Through The Fire
by LadyLuck321
Summary: Sequel to Through Time and Space. Read that one first. The continuation of the story of SnapeAlexis OFC and RemusAmber OFC. Corresponds with Book 4 GOF. This is an effort between LadyLuck321, Midnight Lily, and Steve2 AU now that HBP published
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: This is the sequel to Through Time And Space. If you don't read that first this won't make much sense.

**Chapter 1 New Beginnings**

**When God wants something special done  
in this world...**

**He sends a baby and then...**

**He waits.**

_**Author Unknown**_

****

Alexis woke up to the sound of the babies crying. She waited a moment to see if Snape was going to get up since it actually was his turn to tend to the boys. When there was no movement from the man curled around her she gave a big sigh and made sure she elbowed him as she crawled out of the bed. Turning around to put on her robe she saw the smirk he wasn't even bothering to hide so she did what any wife would do faced with the same circumstance, she threw a pillow at him.

Alexis yawned as she bent over the bassinette set up in a corner of the bedroom. With the boys being less than a week old, they had decided to keep them closer than the nursery. Quickly using her wand she cleaned and changed them before picking them up and heading back to the bed. Handing Snape the babies, she climbed in beside him and opened her robe to give the boys their two a.m. feeding. The postpartum potion she was taking ensured that she would have an adequate milk supply for both boys. Otherwise they would have had to supplement the feedings with formulae.

Snape shifted so that he was holding the three of them. He found it fascinating watching his sons feed. He also found it arousing, "How soon did Poppy say we could resume normal activities?" he whispered against her neck.

Alexis shivered in response to the feel of his lips against her skin, "Two days, three hours and forty-five minutes," she replied. "How do the Muggles manage?"

"What do you mean?" Snape was stroking Aleser's cheek as he fed.

"Muggle women have to wait six to eight weeks after having a baby," she yawned the explanation.

"Why?" Snape was astounded.

"Without magic it takes that long for a woman's body to heal," Alexis snuggled her head against Snape's shoulder, "wake me when the boys are done."

Snape knew that Alexis usually did something with the boys involving putting them on her shoulder and patting their backs, but he had never actually tried to do it himself. But he was the Potions Master so how hard could it be.

Twenty minutes later the boys were back in their bed and he was taking a quick shower to clean the spit up off of his back. Next time he would have to remember to put one of those cloth things over his shoulder like Alexis used.

The next morning he brought the boys to Alexis after using magic to change their diapers. That was the first parenting spell Poppy had taught them. Alexis gave them their breakfast and then watched in surprise as Snape took a burp cloth and placed it over his shoulder and began patting Nathair's back. At his smirk she turned her attention to Aleser and began to burp him.

"What are your plans for today?" Snape asked as he watched her bath Aleser and dress him.

They switched babies and Alexis responded, "I am going to the Weasley's to talk to Molly regarding Ginny acting as godmother for Aleser."

"How are you getting there?" Snape asked concerned.

"The Knight Bus," Alexis responded with a sigh.

Several hours later Stan Shunpike, The Knight Bus conductor, was helping Alexis lift the double pram off of the bus. A lopsided sign stuck in the ground informed Alexis that she was at The Burrow. It was a large stone house that looked as if it had been added onto higgledy piggledy as more space was needed. It was several stories high and very crooked.

As Alexis pushed the pram toward the front door, she could see a red head peeking through the door and faintly hear, "She's here! Mrs. Snape is here." This was followed by a small whirlwind rushing up to her. "Mrs. Snape can I see the baby?" Ginny asked before throwing herself at Alexis for a hug.

"Of course you can," Alexis grinned at the excited girl.

"Ginerva Weasley, you let Mrs. Snape get into the house. I've taught you better manners than to start a visit out in the yard," with that Molly Weasley came hurrying out of the house drying her hands on her apron, "Mrs. Snape, come in and have a cup of tea," she invited.

"Thank you Mrs. Weasley, and please call me Alexis," she offered.

"Oh and dear you must call me Molly," looking into the pram, "Twins, you have twins? Boys or girls?"

"Two little boys, Nathair," indicating the one in the blue blanket, "and Aleser," patting the tummy of the one wrapped in a green blanket.

"I remember what a handful Fred and George were," Molly had taken over pushing the pram as she chatted away leaving Ginny and Alexis to follow behind.

Alexis pulled Ginny into a one armed hug as they headed up to the house, "Having a good summer?"

"Yes mam. Dad's got tickets for the Quidditch World Cup. My brothers, Bill and Charlie, are home for a visit and to go to the match," Ginny started filling Alexis in on all that had been going on so far.

Reaching the kitchen, Alexis grinned as she saw Molly holding both boys with practiced ease, "I just love how babies smell," Molly said with a dreamy look in her eyes, "Ginny get Alexis a cup of tea and some of those biscuits we made this morning," Molly started to get up.

Alexis interrupted, "Would it be alright to stay here?"

"In the kitchen? The parlor is just in here," Molly indicated.

"If you don't mind, it has been a while since I have been able to sit around a family table and enjoy a cup of tea," Alexis smiled softly.

"Of course, if that is what you prefer," Molly was, as always, gracious to her guests, "Ginny when you've finished setting out the tea and cookies, go find your brothers and tell them our visitor is here." Ginny nodded and set down the cups and plates and ran off on her errand.

"Molly," Alexis started, "Ginny and I became close last year while I was guarding Harry Potter."

Molly nodded, "Yes, Ginny told us how much you helped her and all."

"She is a wonderful girl. Severus and I have asked Remus Lupin and Amber Doff to be godparents for Nathair. We want to ask Ginny to act as Aleser's godmother. Since she is not of age, I thought it best to discuss this with you first."

Molly stared at Alexis for a long moment. This was not at all what she had been expecting from a visit from the Draluck heiress. "Why Ginny?"

"Because I am genuinely fond of her, I think she would do an excellent job," Alexis replied honestly.

"So why is it you didn't ask Hermione Granger?" Molly asked.

"Hermione and I don't have the same relationship Ginny and I do. Ginny was having trouble sleeping last year. She and I would stay up talking until she felt she could go back to sleep. We really got to know each other during those late night talks," Alexis explained.

"Ginny wrote me that you were helping her deal with what happened to her during her first year," Molly's eyes held a sadness only a parent who doesn't know how to help their child can feel.

"We helped each other. I'm sure you've heard the gossip and read about me in The Dailey Prophet. I was going through a confusing time as well. Ginny helped me deal with that. She is very mature for her age," Alexis took a sip of her tea.

"I'll discuss this with her father and we will let you know," Molly allowed.

"Thank you for considering it," Alexis smiled.

Molly started giving her advice on how to handle twins and babies in general. Alexis had started making notes when a loud bang signaled the arrival of the Weasley boys. All except Percy who Alexis was told was at work at the Ministry.

"Alexis, these ruffians are my sons; I believe you know Fred, George and Ron. The other two are Bill and Charlie. Boys this is Alexis," before she could finish Bill and Charlie had both stepped up and each taken one of her hands.

"Charmed to meet you," the said in unison before kissing the back of her hand and smiling at her with more charm than any two men should be allowed to have.

"Snape," Molly finished hiding her smirk by nuzzling the babies.

"Snape?" Bill asked.

"Any relation to Professor Snape at Hogwarts?" Charlie questioned.

"Yes," Alexis smiled winningly at the two young men, "I'm his wife."

They dropped her hands as if they had suddenly caught on fire, "Wife," they stuttered.

"Yes, and these are our sons," Alexis nodded over to where Molly was sitting.

Fred and George whopped, "You had twins!" before hurrying over to their mother to try and get her to release the babies.

Molly reluctantly let her twins hold Alexis' twins admonishing them, "You two be careful. Remember they are just babies."

"Mum we know how to handle babies," George said as he cuddled Aleser close and chucked him under the chin.

"After all we took care of Ronnikins and Ginbug when they were in nappies," Fred finished as he put Nathair on his shoulder and began to run his back.

"Yes and how many times did I catch you dropping Ron to see if he would bounce?" Molly asked furiously.

At Alexis' concerned look Fred hurried to reassure her, "Mrs. Snape we would never bounce your babies."

"At least not until they are much older," George amended with a teasing grin.

"Well I see they got old sour pusses hair, but at least they got their mother's nose," Fred grinned over at Alexis who rolled her eyes at him.

"Fred that is no way to talk about your Professor," Molly scolded although mentally she couldn't help but agree with the sentiment.

"Oh mum, Mrs. Snape knows we don't mean anything by it," George said.

"At least not much," Fred added.

"If it is alright with your mother, I believe that at least during the holidays, you lot may call me Alexis. All of this Mrs. Snape is making me feel old," Alexis looked to Molly for approval.

Molly gave her reluctant approval adding, "As long as you are respectful, during the holidays," she stressed, "you may call her Alexis."

Alexis ended up staying for lunch with the Weasleys' and having a blast. Molly was like a favorite aunt and full of helpful advice on babies and marriage. Some of the advice had Alexis blushing but mentally making detailed notes. Any woman, who had managed to have seven children and keep her marriage alive, was worth listening to.

"We are having the christening this Saturday, I hope you will all be able to attend," Alexis added, "The invitations should be arriving tomorrow."

"Where will you be having it?" Molly questioned.

"Professor Dumbledore insisted we have it at Hogwarts. He is going to be officiating at the ceremony."

Molly felt a sense of relief. According to the paper, the Snapes and the Malfoys were on very good terms. She wouldn't have felt right attending a function at Malfoy Manor and there was no way she would ever get Arthur to attend anything there.

"We will look for the invitation," Molly smiled.

Alexis noticed the time and reluctantly rose to get ready to leave. She started looking around for her sons. She wondered how long it had just been Molly and she in kitchen, "Do you know where my babies went?" Alexis asked feeling like a terrible mother.

Molly smiled at her, "The boys took them out into the parlor."

Heading into the parlor, they found Bill and Charlie stretched out on in chairs their feet sharing an ottoman: each with a baby asleep on their chests. Molly told Alexis, "They used to hold their brothers and sister like that."

Fred, George, Ginny and Ron walked Alexis out to signal the Knight Bus; Molly was pushing the pram trying to decide if she could talk Arthur into another baby. Alexis got a hug from everyone before holding her wand out. The Knight Bus appeared with a bang. Fred lifted the pram onto the bus for her and Alexis waved goodbye before bracing herself for the wild ride home.

The next day Snape had decided it was past time for Alexis to learn to apparate. So early in the morning, with Minerva happily watching the twins, he took Alexis out onto the grounds to have her first lesson.

"Severus are you sure this is such a good idea?" Alexis was very nervous.

"Yes," Snape responded as he found a nice open area in the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest.

"If anything happens to me you will have to raise the twins all by yourself," Alexis warned.

"Stop being so melodramatic, if I thought there was any danger to you I wouldn't let you do it. Now, look I am going to walk about twenty feet away. I want you to focus on me and then picture yourself standing beside me and then will it to happen." Snape moved off and stood there waiting.

Alexis stood in the middle of the clearing feeling like an idiot staring over at Snape. But it would be nice to just be able to pop about instead of having to floo or take the Knight bus. The twins had enjoyed all the bouncing but it had left Alexis feeling sick and dizzy.

Snape was beginning to look impatient. His arms were crossed over his chest and his fingers were drumming a rapid beat. Alexis stuck out her tongue at him, which caused him to scowl at her. His scowl was so sexy Alexis just wanted to be right next to him giving him passionate kisses. Suddenly there was a pop and she was standing on his foot.

Alexis looked around in surprise, "I did it?"

"Yes now get off my foot and do it again," Snape snarled.

"Opps, sorry," Alexis stepped back.

"Go back to where you were," Snape instructed.

Alexis tried and tried but she couldn't manage to move herself.

"What were you thinking when you did it the first time?" Snape asked frustrated.

"How kissable you are when you scowl," Alexis grinned at him.

Snape closed his eyes in frustration. Then shrugging his shoulders he walked away and turned around and gave her his best scowl. Alexis shivered and popped and once again was standing next to him. This time she threw her arms around his neck and gave him a good snogging.

Snape indulged himself for a moment before disengaging from the kiss, "Concentrate on apparating," he commanded but couldn't resist one last kiss on her pouting lips.

He apparated to twice the distance as before and scowled at her: again Alexis apparated next to him. "Try picturing me scowling at you over where you were before," Snape instructed.

Alexis concentrated and closed her eyes and tried until the sweat was pouring off her face. Suddenly she heard a pop and felt a wrench, opening her eyes she found that she had moved six feet away from Snape.

Snape sighed, "It is a beginning."

He had her continue practicing until she could finally make it to him and back where she had started. The only reason he stopped working her was a sudden wetness reminded her that it was time for the babies' lunch. He wanted to give it another few tries until she thrust his hand under her robes to feel how wet her shirt had become, "I'm leaking like a cheap cauldron. Minerva is probably pulling her hair out because the boys are screaming. I'm leaving." And she stalked away.

Snape hurried to catch up with her, "That was acceptable for a first lesson. We have to find another way for you to apparate other than me scowling at you though."

Alexis shot him a dirty look and then concentrated for a moment and apparated away. Snape looked around in surprise wondering where the hell she had gone.

"Severus I am at Hagrid's hut," he heard her yell.

He found her waiting on the front steps with Hagrid enjoying a cup of tea, "If you piss me off, I can apparate away from you too," she smiled sweetly at him before handing Hagrid back his mug. "Come on, don't dilly dally, the boys are waiting."

"I don't dilly dally," Snape hissed highly offended.

Alexis just smirked as she hurried to get back to Minerva. The longer she waited to nurse the more painful it became. Minerva looked up when Alexis walked into her office, both babies were contentedly watching a brightly colored ball float and dip and sway above their bassinette.

"Wow, where can I get one of those?" Alexis asked. The sound of their mother's voice broke the spell the ball had cast on them and they both began to cry.

Minerva pulled up a chair and handed Alexis Nathair. Adjusting her robes, she tucked him under and immediately felt him latch on. Snape brought over Aleser and helped her adjust everything so that he too could get his lunch. Alexis sighed in relief as the painful pressure was released.

Later that afternoon, Snape and Alexis took the boys to Malfoy Manor. They had to talk to Lucius and see if he would allow Draco to be Aleser's godfather. They also had to break the news that the twins were boys and not girls. Alexis had generously allowed Snape the pleasure of imparting that information.

A house elf opened the door as soon as the carriage had rolled to a stop. Twinkie escorted them into the smaller family parlor where the Malfoys were waiting.

Narcissa rose and leisurely came forward to greet Alexis with a cool kiss on her cheek. Her casual attitude was belied by the greedy look in her eyes as she reached for the baby carrier that Snape was holding, "Alexis you look wonderful. It is hard to believe that you just gave birth."

Lucius agreed as he sauntered over to look at the babies, "So these are the newest Snape girls."

Snape replied, "Actually Lucius, they are both boys."

Lucius looked up at him sharply, "Boys. Both of them?" as Snapes affirmative nod, he recovered himself, "Congratulations," he offered flatly.

"Yes, we were hoping for a little girl to help strengthen the bonds between our two families," Snape offered expressionlessly, "However, with your agreement, we may have found a way to achieve that goal. At least until we have our next child," Snape smirked.

"When will you try for another?" Lucius asked trying to disguise his eagerness.

"When the twins turn two," Snape responded to Lucius' disappointment.

"What is this alternate method?" Lucius asked thinking something was better than nothing.

"We would like Draco to serve as godfather to Aleser," Snape offered, "It was Alexis' request as her birthgift for me to allow her to name the boys' godparents," Snape continued allowing a trace of displeasure to color his tone.

Alexis flushed and looked at the floor.

"Of course. We would be delighted for Draco to serve as godfather to Aleser. Severus, would you care to join me in my study and we can go over the details for the christening?" Lucius offered with a smirk that perfectly matched the cold look in his eyes.

As soon as Snape and Lucius had left, Narcissa reached in and lifted Aleser from his carrier. She held him awkwardly as if she had not had much practice. Narcissa noticed Alexis looking at her and her usual cold mask fell across her features, "Would you care for some refreshments?"

"Yes, thank you," Alexis smiled noticing that although Narcissa's look was cold and hard, her hands on the baby were gentle and tender.

Narcissa called for a house elf and ordered a tea tray to be brought into the parlor and refreshments to be served to the men in Lucius' study.

"I hope I am not presuming on our friendship," Alexis started, "but I cannot help but wish that Draco had a sister for one of the boys to be betrothed to."

"I would have liked a little girl, but Lucius wanted all of our attention focused on Draco. That way he could have the benefit of our undivided attention," Narcissa replied stiffly.

"With Draco in school now, I'm surprised that you haven't opted for another child. After all you are both still in your youth," Alexis flattered.

Narcissa looked from the twins to Alexis and a small smirk appeared on her face, "Perhaps it is time to broach the subject with Lucius again," changing the subject Narcissa asked, "Tell me about your plans for the christening?"

Alexis complied and the two enjoyed an amiable if slightly stilted conversation.

When Lucius and Severus returned, both seemed surprised to find Narcissa holding a baby. Alexis stepped in, "Lucius, I was just telling Narcissa how much I wish Draco had a sister that we could discuss betrothing to one of our boys."

Lucius' eyes sharpened, "Yes it is a pity. Although Narcissa and I were just discussing the possibility of having another child," he inserted smoothly.

Not by word or motion did Narcissa display that this was news to her instead she smirked, "Yes, I wanted to see if I still remembered how to hold a baby after all these years. Alexis was kind enough to let me practice on Aleser."

"Yes, we will have to call Popkins out of the kitchens to act as a nursemaid," Lucius subtly reminded Narcissa that Malfoy's did not tend to their own children. That is what servants were for.

Draco appeared in the doorway, "You called for me father?"

"Yes, Professor and Mrs. Snape have something to ask of you," Lucius took a seat in the armchair that matched the one Narcissa was seated in. Narcissa had tucked the baby back into his carrier without a break in her icy façade.

"Draco, Mrs. Snape and I would like to ask you to act as godfather for our son Aleser?" Snape's demeanor was emotionless.

Draco looked first to his father and upon receiving his nod of approval, "I would be honored."

"Draco, the baby next to your mother is Aleser," Alexis smiled at him.

Draco walked over to the carrier and looked inside, "He's tiny. Good thing he has your nose Mrs. Snape," Draco froze as he realized that he had actually said that aloud.

"Draco, this is Aleser's brother, Nathair. Would you like to meet him?" Alexis was trying not to laugh. Snape's features were frozen.

Draco looked at no one as he crossed the floor to stand next to Alexis, "He looks the same," Draco sounded vaguely disappointed.

"They are identical twins," Alexis explained with a grin. "Would you like to hold your godson?" Alexis offered.

This time Draco looked to his mother for advice. Her barely perceptible nod had him agreeing.

Draco sat down next to Narcissa. She lifted Aleser and helped Draco position the baby so that his head was supported in the crook of Draco's arm. Aleser squinted up at the blonde blur and then blew bubbles before breaking into a wet, gummy smile, "Mother did you see that?"

"Yes, Draco he smiled at you," no one in the room even thought about mentioning gas to the teen.

After visiting for another hour or so, Alexis and Snape called for the Hogwarts' carriage they were using and took their leave.

Once safely inside the carriage and outside the grounds of Malfoy Manor, Alexis nestled against Snape and asked, "I wonder how long before Narcissa and Lucius announce the impending birth of their second child?"

Snape snorted, "With the way Lucius was looking at Narcissa, any day now."

Alexis could tell something was bothering Snape, "What is it Severus?"

After a moment he replied snidely, "Does everyone have to comment on their noses?"

Alexis had gotten an owl from Molly Weasley asking her to come back to The Burrow for tea and to meet her husband Arthur. When Alexis told Snape about the invitation he quickly offered his excuse of working on Amber's potion and being at a tricky stage so he would not be able to accompany her.

Alexis just grinned and made arrangements for tickets on the Knight Bus. She took the precaution of imbibing an anti-nausea potion before making the trip this time.

Once again, Ginny was the first one out the door to greet Alexis as she pushed the pram up the driveway. Molly and Arthur were waiting at the door to welcome her. To Alexis' disappointment, Molly had set up tea in the parlor. Molly introduced her to Arthur who gave Alexis a long considering look before taking her hand.

There were soon the sounds of a wild stampede as the three youngest Weasley boys made their appearance. Arthur watched in disbelief as Alexis made no objection to Fred and George each grabbing a twin and heading for a seat on the couch. Ron and Ginny settled one on each side of Fred and George and began playing with the babies.

"Ahh the things we will teach you young one," Fred stage whispered to Aleser.

"Yes, my little prankster in training. We will soon have you following in our footsteps," George told Nathair.

Arthur stiffened when Alexis began to chide his twins, "Fred, George, can you at least wait until they can walk, before you start training them in the ways of mischief?"

"Must begin their training early," George responded.

"Yes, we didn't start early enough with these two," indicating Ron and Ginny, "and they are a sore disappointment to us," Fred added.

"At least promise me no exploding diapers," Alexis teased.

"Hadn't thought of that one, Alexis," George grinned.

"Yeah, thanks for the idea," Fred smirked.

"Since it was my idea, can you at least give me a warning so I can make sure Severus is the one that changes those diapers?" Alexis pleaded with a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"Can do," Fred and George chorused.

Arthur was looking from one of the richest witches in Europe to his prankster sons in disbelief. Molly had tried to tell him that Alexis was not your normal rich pureblood. But he hadn't believed it. Not taking into consideration her marriage to Snape and her much publicized friendship with the Malfoys.

Looking over at Molly, he gave her a nod, indicating that he no longer had any major objections to Ginny acting as godmother to Aleser. Ginny had been full of stories of all Alexis had done for her and the other students throughout the year.

Molly spoke up, "Alexis you had something you wanted to ask Ginny?"

Alexis looked over at Molly and a large smile appeared on her face, "Thank you for reminding me Molly. Ginny, I was hoping that you would do us the honor of agreeing to be Aleser's godmother?"

Ginny's eyes widened and she looked from Alexis to her parents to the baby Fred was holding, "Mum can I?"

"If you want to take on that responsibility your father and I have no objections," Molly replied.

"Oh yes, thank you Alexis," Ginny gave Alexis a big hug before going over to Fred and demanding that he hand over her godson immediately. Fred handed Ginny the baby before pulling them both down into his lap.

"I guess this means that we are the boys' goduncles," Fred crowed in delight.

Arthur looked over at Alexis to see how she was taking this, she met his look and winked at him, "I guess that means that you and Molly would be their godgrandparents?"

Molly gasped in delight and went over and took Nathair from George despite George's loud protests, "Yes that is exactly what it means." Arthur just hoped that this meant that Molly would stop hinting about an eighth child.

Severus was reading through the morning mail, "Alexis do you know why we have two invitations to attend the World Quidditch cup?"

"Who are they from?" she asked from the bedroom where she was putting the boys down for a nap.

"This one is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Draluck and is from Cornelius Fudge. This one is from Lucius and Narcissa," Snape held up two ornate pieces of parchment.

Alexis came back in and settled on his lap, happy that once again she was able to take her favorite seat, "You know as much about the one from Lucius and Narcissa. The one from Fudge is probably in response to all the money I have instructed the accountants to start spreading around," Alexis explained as she mentally counted how much longer she had to wait before she could jump her husband: just another six hours. She would have to make sure he took a strengthening potion at lunch time.

"Why are you spreading money around?" Snape asked as he started calculating how soon his wife would be released from the medically imposed celibacy.

"Because I want us to have influence if we ever need it: the only way to assure that is to buy it," Alexis replied cynically.

Snape nodded slowly, "So do you want to go?"

"I wouldn't mind going," Alexis admitted, "Although how are we going to get there since my apparition lessons are going so slowly."

"Fudge has arranged a V.I.P. portkey for the afternoon of the match," Snape consulted the parchment he held, "Would we bring the boys?"

Alexis looked uncertain, "I don't know. I don't think it would really be the best place for two newborns, but I don't think I could leave them overnight. In fact I know since I am nursing I would not be able to leave them for longer than a couple of hours."

"There are charms to take care of that," Snape told her.

"Amber has been begging for a chance to baby sit," Alexis reminded him.

"Let's do it, if Amber is free that weekend," Snape nodded once.

The christening was scheduled for two o'clock Saturday. Everyone was excited. The Great Hall had been decorated for the occasion and all the paraphernalia that Dumbledore would need to perform the ceremony had been set out.

Around one the guests started arriving. The Weasleys arrived by Floo: the Malfoys by private carriage. The rest of the guests arrived by every method known to wizard kind.

The boys were wearing the christening gowns that Narcissa and Lucius had given them. Draco was wearing his best robes and looking slightly nervous. Ginny was wearing new robes and looking very pretty.

At two, Dumbledore called for everyone's attention and asked for the parents to bring the babies forward. Alexis and Snape, each carry one of the boys, approached Dumbledore as he stood on a slightly raised dais, "Namegiving ceremonies have a history almost as old as the human race. It is an occasion when a new birth is celebrated and a child welcomed into the world. Family relationships are deepened and the parents become more fully aware of their responsibilities. Together we are here today to welcome two new members into our circle of family and friends," Dumbledore beamed at the people gathered around, "we also seek to remind all concerned of the great responsibility involved in bringing up a child, and to recognize and appoint those who will have an important role in the child's development. Would the godparents come forward at this time?"

Amber and Remus came to stand next to Snape while Ginny and Draco approached Alexis. "Severus Snape, do you recognize this child as your son and heir?"

"I do."

Albus waved his wand over the baby's head and startled a gurgle from the child as blue sparks came out of the end of the wand, "Who stands for this child?"

"We do," Amber and Remus chorused.

"Do you promise to provide love, support, and care for this child?"

"We do."

"If anything should happen to this child's natural parents, will you comfort and succor him, raising him as if he were your own?"

"We will."

Dumbledore placed his hand on the baby's head in a silent benediction before taking him from Snape, "I present to you, Nathair Wulfric Snape, first son and heir of Severus and Alexis Snape."

The assembly bowed to the baby who started crying. Dumbledore kissed him on the forehead before handing him back to his father.

Snape handed Nathair to Remus and moved to take Aleser from Alexis.

Dumbledore stepped over to and began again, "Severus Snape, do you recognize this child as your son and heir?"

"I do."

Albus waved his wand over the baby's head and green sparks came out of the end of the wand, "Who stands for this child?"

"We do," Ginny and Draco chorused.

"Because these two are minors, who stands for them?" Dumbledore asked

Narcissa stepped up beside Draco, "I do."

Molly stepped up next to Ginny, "I do."

"Do you support his decision and promise to provide any aid to them if they should be called upon to fulfill their duties as godparent?"

"I do," Narcissa replied before stepping back beside Lucius.

"I do," Molly smiled as her daughter before returning to stand with the rest of her family.

Looking back and Ginny and Draco, Dumbledore asked, "Do you promise to provide love, support, and care for this child?"

"We do."

"If anything should happen to this child's natural parents, will you comfort and succor him, raising him as if he were your own?"

"We will."

Dumbledore placed his hand on the baby's head in a silent benediction before taking him from Snape, "I present to you, Aleser Richard Snape, second son and heir of Severus and Alexis Snape."

The assembly bowed to the baby who stared as if wondering what all the fuss was about. Dumbledore kissed him on the forehead and handed him to Snape.

"Please welcome the newest additions to our world," Dumbledore instructed the gathering.

The babies were quickly surrounded by well wishers. Snape soon found his arms empty as Molly claimed Aleser.

Snape made his way to the refreshment table where Lucius joined him. Offering Lucius a glass of punch, Snape poured them each a beverage.

"Interesting choice of godparents," Lucius commented.

"Yes, if I had any idea what Alexis was going to ask for her birthgift I would have performed Imperio on her. She kept talking about a necklace she had seen in Diagon Alley so I was sure that is what she was going to ask for," Snape said allowing a bare hint of displeasure to color his tone.

"Women sometimes need a firm hand," Lucius replied, "guidance in what is proper and expected from a Pureblood."

"Yes, I assure you I will not make the same mistake next time," Severus stated coolly.

Lucius nodded before taking a glass of punch over to Narcissa.

Alexis walked up to Snape and hooked her arm through his, "Didn't we have two sons when we got here?"

Snape smirked down at her, "Yes. But apparently they are going to be even more popular than their father."

"Even if they don't have his nose," Alexis reached up and tweaked Snape's nose with a grin.


	2. After The Party

Disclaimer: I have faced the facts: I do not own any of this.

AN: Thank you Mark Darcy for pointing out the error in the names in the fourth paragraph. And apologies to my Beta Midnight Lily, she caught the error but I uploaded the unedicted chapter...silly me. My only explanation (not excuse) is it was sometime between 1AM and 5AM when I uploaded it.

**Chapter 2 After the Party is Over**

_"It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses." - Mrs. Patrick Campbell _

Alexis and Snape finally managed to collect their children and head back to their quarters. Alexis was glad the christening was finally over. The boys were tired and cranky from all the attention and covered in lipstick kiss marks. Someone hadn't used a non-smearing makeup charm.

Alexis and Snape quickly bathed and changed the twins. Snape settled onto the couch and helped Alexis into his arms providing some needed extra hands as she fed both babies at the same time. Soon they were tucking the infants in for a nap.

They had finally decided to let the babies sleep in their crib in the nursery. Snape had set up the Nanny Goat, a type of wizarding baby monitor, next to the crib and Alexis kept the summoning bell with her. So far Alexis had only gotten up about ten times in one night to check on them. She had caught Snape checking on them twice, but he wouldn't admit to how many other times he had checked that she hadn't caught him.

Snape was stretched out on the bed. Alexis looked at her very sexy husband and decided it was time to use some of the advice Molly Weasley had given her. A flick of her wand and Snape was naked on the bed. Alexis was removing her clothes as she made her way to him. She could tell he was awake because he was showing definite signs of life.

Grinning she bounced up onto the bed and licked his erection like a lolly. Without using her hands she began to lick, nibble and suck her way up and down his shaft, paying special attention to the head of his penis. She felt him shift and when she glanced up she saw that he had pulled a pillow under his head to have a better view of what she was doing. Winking at him she continued to lave him with her tongue. A husky whisper, "Use your hands," had her caressing his balls and then forming a tight ring around his girth. No matter how hard she tried, he was simply too large for her to deep throat, but her hands helped give him that extra friction needed to send him over the edge.

Snape always enjoyed watching Alexis clean up after she finished the job: although sometimes the cleanup was just a prelude to another round. This time, when she had finished licking him clean, she began to kiss and lick her way up his stomach, sucking gently on the skin directly above his groin, dipping a tongue into his navel, sliding kisses up to his chest, before grazing his nipples gently with her teeth and then soothing the slight discomfort with her tongue. She was now straddling him, rubbing her wet heat against his renewed erection. She continued her trip up to his collar bone which she followed first one way and then back to the middle and then the other way, leaving small suck marks along the way. She found the pulse in his throat and began sucking it in time with his heartbeat, marking him as hers. His hands were now caressing her hips trying to maneuver her so that he could sheath himself inside of her. Alexis continued to wiggle just enough that it was keeping them both stimulated, but not enough to help him obtain his goal.

She moved from the column of his throat up to his chin and slid her lips along until they were a breath away from his. "Kiss me," he ground out as his hands massaged her bottom. Alexis grinned and with one deft move, managed to thrust her tongue inside his mouth at the same time as she impaled herself on his erection. Snape groaned into her mouth as he felt her surround him and grip him. She was tighter than she had been before the babies thanks to the healing charms and potions that had been used post partum. Alexis held still as she once again got used to feeling so full and stretched. When she was comfortable once more, Snape flipped her so that she was now on the bottom. Grabbing her legs he arranged them over his shoulders and began to thrust into her. She had never felt him go so deep and didn't even try to hold back the moans of pleasure. Snape watched her face and reveled in the sensations he was able to make her feel. With iron control he managed to keep from loosing himself in her. Until he felt her body begin to shudder in the throes of her own climax. As her inner walls massaged him, he was unable to hold back any longer and with one last thrust spent himself inside of her. He reached over and kissed an ankle before he released her legs to slide back down: turning her once again, so that now she could rest on top of him. Summoning an afghan from the foot of the bed, he tucked it around them both and they fell asleep.

The next morning Alexis and Snape were enjoying breakfast in the staff room: one of the perks about eating with the others is that neither Snape nor Alexis had to worry about the twins while they were eating. Someone was always willing and anxious to have a chance to hold and cuddle them, "They are going to be more spoiled than Draco Malfoy," Snape sneered.

"Love doesn't spoil a child. Letting the child have his own way and lack of discipline spoil a child," Alexis said from the depth of her parenting knowledge gleaned from reading every book on the subject, both Muggle and wizard, while she was pregnant.

"And you don't think they are going to give the children anything and everything their little hearts desire?" Snape asked sarcastically.

Alexis looked over to where Flitwick was already trying to get Aleser to hold his wand and Minerva was transfiguring tea cups into mice for Nathair's amusement, "You may very well have a valid point."

Just then a large flying feather duster crashed onto the table in front of Snape. Alexis prodded it with her wand and discovered that it was actually a very old and ancient owl. Alexis took the package and offered the owl water and food, while privately wondering if he didn't need last rites instead.

Opening the package she found two pairs of matching baby booties and a note from Ginny saying that she had made them herself. Alexis showed them to Snape who grunted his approval before turning back to reading his paper.

When they had finished breakfast, Snape told her it was time for another apparition lesson. Wrinkling her nose, Alexis nodded slowly before finding out if anyone would be available to keep an eye on the twins. Poppy and Minerva almost got into an argument over whose turn it was to watch the twins while Filius levitated the carriers out of the room and stole off with them to the charms classroom.

Alexis and Snape snuck away before Minerva and Poppy could realize that they had been outflanked. Making their way to the same clearing they had used before, Snape had Alexis stand with her back to him and try to apparate next to him. Alexis pictured Snape as he had looked last night when she had him in her mouth and suddenly found herself plastered up against him twenty feet away from where she had been. Snaking an arm around his neck she pulled him down for a kiss, "My reward for performing as ordered Professor," she whispered before giving him another passionate kiss.

Snape finally hauled her over to a tree and lifting her robes, found that she wasn't wearing any panties. His eyes darkened in hunger as he freed himself from his trousers and entered her on one smooth move. Alexis wrapped her legs around his waist and leaned back against the tree to give him room to move. It was quick and it was hard, and it didn't take either one long to orgasm. Alexis let her legs slide down his body as he murmured a quick cleaning charm over them and then adjusted their clothing.

"Now do you think you can concentrate on your apparition lesson?" Snape smirked.

"If I get it right again, will you reward me in the same way?" Alexis purred.

Snape leaned close and breathed against her ear, "No."

Alexis pulled away from him and stamped her foot in aggravation.

"That is very childish," he scolded, "Now if you concentrate and work really hard at your lessons and do a very good job, then I might reward you."

Alexis closed her eyes and concentrated and appeared with a pop back where she had originally started.

"Very good, now do you think you can make your way to the edge of the forest where the wards start and back?"

Alexis slowly nodded her head and concentrated. There was another loud pop and she was gone. A few minutes later she popped back soaking wet.

"What happened?" Snape stared at her.

"I missed and ended up in the lake," Alexis admitted trying to wring the water from her hair.

Snape sighed in irritation and waved his wand so that she was dry once more.

"Thank you," she replied stiffly.

"Try again," he instructed.

Alexis closed her eyes the better to concentrate. There was a pop as she apparated. It took her so long to return that Snape was beginning to get worried. Another loud popped announced that she had made it back. This time she was holding two cold drinks and a bag of Honeydukes chocolate. Handing Snape a drink and offering him some chocolate she explained, "Hogsmeade instead of Hogswart."

Snape grabbed the bottle from her hand and took a long drink hoping to cool his aggravation. After draining the bottle he spoke to Alexis, "You are not focusing."

"Can we do an experiment?" Alexis asked after finishing the chocolate she had in her mouth.

"What?" Snape hissed.

"You apparate to where you want me to go and let me see if I can go there then," Alexis suggested.

"I don't see what that will accomplish but very well," Snape sniped.

After he had gone, Alexis finished her drink and ate another piece of chocolate, before focusing all of her attention on where she wanted to go. A wrench and a pop and she was standing next to Snape. Grinning up at him, "It seems I can easily make it to wherever you are. It is just if I don't have you as a beacon, it's pretty much up to chance where I end up."

Snape looked intrigued, "Let us experiment further. I will apparate to Diagon Alley, you see if you can follow me," and he was gone.

Again, Alexis waited before concentrating and this time it was easier. Instead of concentrating just on the place, she concentrated on Snape and suddenly was standing next to him in Diagon Alley.

"Shall we add another element to the experiment?"

Alexis shrugged her agreement wondering if they would have time to shop before disapparating. One look at Snape's face had her reluctantly shelving that thought.

"I will apparate somewhere, but I am not going to tell you where. You see if you can sense me. Do not apparate unless you are certain you have a fix on me. If you do not show up in five minutes I will come back here for you."

Alexis nodded her understanding and watched as he popped out. Waiting a moment, she then began to focus on Snape. Concentrating, she began to sense him, with some effort she apparated next to him in front of Amber's cottage.

Snape stared at her silently. "What?" Alexis asked crossly.

"Meet me back in the clearing," Snape commanded before disappearing.

Amber stuck her head out the door. Alexis waved, "Apparating lessons," she explained with a shrug. Amber nodded and closed the door.

Alexis closed her eyes and concentrated on Snape. Opening her eyes she found herself at the outer bounds of Malfoy Manor standing next to Snape. "Lucius has anti-apparation wards around his homes," Snape explained before disapparating.

Alexis was seriously considering going to visit Narcissa instead of following Snape around the countryside. Checking her watch she saw that it would soon be time to feed the boys. Sighing she concentrated on Snape and popped back to the clearing.

"I am going to have to consult Albus regarding this," Snape said as they headed back to the castle, "I have never heard of anyone needing another person as a beacon in order to apparate."

"I'm just special," Alexis said facetiously.

"At least I know you can't go gallivanting around without me," Snape replied.

"Professor Snape, I'll have you know that it is impossible to gallivant with twins," Alexis tried looking down her nose at him, which considering she was a good seven inches shorter than he was an exercise in futility.

Snape raised one eyebrow at her and smirked.

"How do you do that?" Alexis asked, "I've never been able to raise just one eyebrow."

"I guess I am just special," he deadpanned.

While Alexis collected the twins from Flitwick, Snape went to meet Amber in the Potions lab. He found an Eagle Owl waiting on him. After delivering the letter, the owl took off not even waiting for a treat. The expensive parchment was sealed with the Malfoy crest. Snape began to read the letter and he couldn't restrain a small smile. This unfamiliar expression greeted Amber and Alexis as they entered the room.

"Quick Alexis, shield the boys' eyes, we don't want them to be blinded by the brilliance of Severus' smile," Amber teased.

"I don't smile. I smirk, scowl, sneer and scoff, but never smile," Snape corrected.

"What were you smirking at then?" Alexis asked.

Snape looked at Amber, "This cannot leave this room," at her nod he continued, "Lucius has requested that I make a very special potion for him."

"What type of potion could Lucius want?"

"It is a very complicated potion and extremely expensive to prepare. It is the filia sexus fertilitas potion."

Amber's eyes began to twinkle.

Alexis just looked puzzled, "Exactly what does it do?"

Amber waved her hand in the air managing to look remarkably like Hermione Granger, "I know Professor, I know. Let me explain Professor."

"Miss. Doff, if you will explain," Snape nodded regally.

"The sexus fertilitas potion is a fertility potion that is designed to determine the sex of the child conceived from the union of the imbibers. The filia sexus fertilitas potion insures that the child will be a female," Amber explained pedantically.

Alexis started to snicker, "Trust Lucius not to leave anything to chance."


	3. Babies' Day Out

Disclaimer: I claim nothing.

AN: Thanks to all those who are sticking with me through this new story. I must confess that my experience with babies is limited to nieces and nephews. So if I get it wrong, someone let me know so I can fix it.

**Chapter 3 Babies' Day Out**

_**Before I was a Mom…**_

**I made and ate hot meals.**

**I had unstained clothing.**

**I had quiet conversations on the phone.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I slept as late as I wanted.**

**And never worried about how late I got into bed.**

**I brushed my hair and my teeth every day.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I cleaned my house each day.**

**I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.**

**I never thought about immunisations.**

**Before I was Mom…**

**I had never been puked on,**

**Pooped on,**

**Spat on,**

**Chewed on,**

**Peed on,**

**Or pinched by tiny fingers.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I had complete control of my mind,**

**My thoughts.**

**My body, **

**And my time.**

**I slept all night.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I never held down a screaming child,**

**So that doctors could do tests,**

**Or give shots.**

**I never looked into teary eyes and cried.**

**I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.**

**I never sat up late hours at night **

**Watching a baby sleep.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I never held a sleeping baby just because.**

**I didn't want to put it down.**

**I never felt my heart break into a million pieces.**

**When I couldn't stop the hurt.**

**I never knew that I could love someone so much.**

**I never knew I would love being a Mom.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.**

**I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.**

**I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.**

**I didn't know that something so small  
Could make me feel so important.**

**Before I was a Mom…**

**I had never risen in the middle of the night .**

**Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.**

**I had never known the warmth,**

**The joy,**

**The love,**

**The heartache,**

**The wonderment,**

**Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.**

**I didn't know I was capable of feeling so**

**Much before I was a Mom!**

_**- Author unknown -**_

Amber and Remus readily agreed to watch the twins for Alexis and Snape so they could attend the Quidditch World Cup. Amber still hadn't told Remus that she was expecting his child. She was nervous about what his reaction was going to be.

Alexis and Snape had brought the babies over with enough equipment to supply a nursery school: a portable crib, carriers, playpen, diapers, powder, toys, blankets, a portable changing station, a baby bathtub, enough clothes for what looked like a month instead of just overnight, and bottles of breast milk stored in a special container that kept it fresh and at the correct temperature. Amber stared at the bottles, "How many babies were you expecting to feed?"

"I wanted to make sure you wouldn't run out," Alexis flushed, "Just call me bossy the milk cow."

Alexis was also leaving Star with Amber and Remus. If they needed her, Star would be able to find her. She had wanted to leave Aniya as well, not that she didn't trust Remus and Amber, but this was the first time she had ever left her babies. But Aniya was acting strange and Snape had left her with Hagrid to see if he could figure out what might be ailing her.

Amber and Remus had finally had to push Alexis and Snape out the door and shut it in their faces. Amber turned around and leaned back against the closed door laughing, she could still hear Alexis shouting instructions as Snape pulled her into the carriage.

Remus was trying to set up the portable crib. It had looked so easy when Snape had demonstrated how to do it. Remus knew that Snape hadn't left it set up on purpose. Although Snape had said he was taking it down so that Remus would know how to break it down if he needed to do so. 'Bullocks,' Remus thought, 'Snape did it just to aggravate me and make me feel inferior. I'll show that annoying prat'

"Remus had you got the crib set up?" Amber asked.

"Not yet, SHI…SUGAR," Remus quickly changed what he was going to say, "Sugar, sugar, sugar."

"Remus stop yelling you are going to scare the twins," Amber scolded as she soothed the already quiet boys.

Remus stuck his knuckles in his mouth and sucked the sting out of where he had skinned them on the crib. "How much longer Remus?" Amber looked over at him impatiently.

Remus slowly took his knuckles out of his mouth, waiting for his healer lover to notice and come tend his small injury. Instead she just stared at him and pointedly looked from him to the still disassembled crib, "Well?"

"Really Remus, you would think that an intelligent man like you could put together a simple portable baby crib," Amber gave him a cross look before getting up and going over to him. "Here let me see it?"

Remus held out his hand waiting for her to perform a healing charm on his still smarting knuckles. Amber ignored his hand and knelt down beside the crib. "This doesn't look too hard," she declared.

Remus stepped back to watch the show.

Thirty minutes later, Amber had taught Remus some new curse words. Suddenly she stood up and kicked the offending piece of furniture. Hopping around holding her toes, because she had forgotten she had taken off her shoes, she watched in disbelief as the crib suddenly began assembling itself.

"I hope you remember where you kicked the bloody thing," Remus said from where he was holding Nathair and Aleser on the couch, "Yes Auntie Amber is a funny lady. Watch her dance for you pumpkin."

Amber was still rubbing her soar toes and she shot Remus a filthy look. Remus responded with a cheeky grin. Amber looked over at the innocent appearing crib and took a cautious step closer. It was perfectly assembled and the mattress was even made up with an adorable sheet and blanket set. A mobile hovered over the crib with dancing unicorns.

Suddenly Remus looked down at Nathair and wrinkled his nose in distaste. Nathair just gurgled happily at him. With his heightened sense of smell, Remus was feeling a little green at the odor coming from his godson, "Amber I think Nathair needs a new nappy."

"Just do the diaper charm on him," she said.

"I don't know the diaper charm," he replied trying to breath through his mouth to minimize the smell. Suddenly the stench was doubled as Aleser decided that his brother wasn't to be allowed to out doo (pun intended) him. Remus was now in series distress, "Amber you have to help me both of them need new diapers."

"I don't know the diaper charm," Amber looked at Remus in dawning horror. They were going to have to do it the old fashioned way.

Amber came and took Aleser from Remus, and holding him gingerly at arms length went over to the changing table and kicked it with her foot. It immediately assembled itself while she hobbled in circles biting her lip to keep from saying the words that trembled on her tongue. You would think she would have remembered to put her shoes on before kicking another piece of furniture.

Placing the baby at the center of the table, she took out her wand and placed a bubble head charm on herself. At Remus squawk, she turned and did the same for him. Remembering that Alexis had told her the changing table was magically spelled so the baby could not fall, roll or wiggle off of it, Amber turned to the diaper bag. 'How hard can this be? I am a trained Healer and Remus is a full Professor. Muggles do it all the time. This should be a piece of cake,' she thought.

An hour later Amber and Remus were standing in the shower trying to wash all the poop off. When Amber had gotten it in her hair, Remus had said enough and sent an Owl to Molly Weasley begging for help. She had apparated and immediately taken over swishing and flicking the babies into a newborn bath that would protect the umbilical cord but allow her to thoroughly clean them. When Remus and Amber returned to the living room, Molly was feeding and rocking Nathair who was smelling like the sweet baby he was instead of a newly fertilized corn field. Amber was looking vaguely disappointed as she had wanted to feed the babies. Molly smiled over at her, "Aleser still needs his lunch."

Brightening, Amber lifted Aleser from the crib and grabbed a bottle. Remus transfigured one of the dining room chairs into a rocking chair for her. Settling down, she offered Aleser the bottle. He gave her a suspicious look as though he knew she didn't have a clue as to what she was doing and refused it. Molly looked over and saw what was going on, "Just rub the nipple against his mouth, as soon as he tastes his mum, he will start to nurse."

Amber did as instructed and a dribble of milk came out. Aleser opened his mouth at that to cry but found that even though it didn't look or sound like his mum, it did taste like her and he was hungry so he began to suckle. Amber grinned up at Remus who was watching her with a strange look in his eyes.

Remus was wishing that Amber was holding their child. She looked so beautiful with a baby in her arms. But what could he offer a woman that would make up for having to deal with the stigma of being married to a werewolf. Only a lifemate would be willing to go through everything involved with joining with a werewolf. Remus sighed, and lifemates were few and far between.

Molly left after teaching them the diaper charm and making sure they didn't have any other questions about how to take care of the babies. Remus and Amber were sitting snuggled on the couch watching the boys sleep. They were exhausted, who knew taking care of two small babies was such hard work.

"Have you ever thought about having children?" Amber asked as she played with his fingers.

"Yes, but it is difficult for lycanthropes," he sighed.

"I don't understand. That isn't something they covered in my healer training," Amber was puzzled.

"Well, werewolves mate for life. And the only people they would be able to have children with are their lifemates," Remus explained as he rested his head on her hair, "When a werewolf finds his lifemate he knows that is the one person who is strong enough and capable enough to deal with," he sighed heavily, "everything involved with being with a werewolf. Not many lycanthropes get married."

"So if I were to get pregnant you would know that I was your lifemate?" Amber asked cautiously.

Remus was silent for a long moment as he fought to control the emotions her words evoked, "If you were to get pregnant I would have you married so fast you wouldn't know what hit you. But since you are using a contraceptive potion…you are using a contraceptive potion?"

"Yes, so if I were to get pregnant while using a contraceptive potion what would that mean?"

Remus pulled back to look at her, "Why all the questions?"

She blushed and looked at her hands, "I didn't mean for it to happen. I was using a potion," she trailed off still not looking at him.

Remus felt a dawning hope, "Do you mean?"

"How soon do you think we can get Dumbledore to perform the joining ceremony?"

Remus let out a whoop that sounding remarkably like a howl and pulled her into his arms, "When?"

"When what?"

"When will we be parents?"

"February," she whispered against his neck.

Remus was treating her as if she were made of spun glass. Amber decided to enjoy it for a while. That was until bedtime, and then it stopped being fun.

They were snuggled up together in her queen sized bed; the babies were in the small guest room right next to the master bedroom. The doors to both rooms were open and Amber had set up the Nanny Goat so that they would be sure to hear the babies if they cried.

The relief from the tension of having a secret from Remus had left Amber decidedly in the mood. She began trailing her fingers down his stomach heading. Remus grabbed her hand and pulled it back up to his chest and held it there. Amber shifted and began to press kisses on his shoulder. She could hear his breathing hitch and feel him tense up; she grinned and began tasting his skin with tiny tickling laps.

"Amber what do you think you're doing?" Remus whispered.

At that Amber sat up and stared at him, "If you have to ask I am doing something very wrong."

"I know what you are doing, but Amber the babies are right in the other room," Remus started to blush, "and you're expecting."

"Yes I am…I'm expecting to get lucky tonight," she leaned in and started kissing his neck, pausing between kisses, "The babies are asleep and even if they weren't they are in the other room and too young to know or care about what we are doing. For your edification, pregnant women tend to get very horny. Has something to do with all the hormones their bodies are subjected to," she had moved from kissing his neck to his lips, "It is very bad for the baby if the mother's sexual tension isn't released."

"Really? You're making that up," Remus accused.

"I am a trained healer, so I think I know what I am talking about," Amber caught him with his mouth open and inserted her tongue inside tasting him. He groaned and shifted her so that she was laying full length on him. His hands moved down to her bottom and began to squeeze her arse rubbing her against his erection.

Breaking the kiss briefly, "Well who I am I to go ask a healers orders," and he took her mouth in a kiss that left them both breathless. His hands began inching up her back, stroking and massaging as they went. When they reached her shoulders, her gown was bunched up and one quick move had it tossed aside. Amber was now sitting up straddling his body. Remus filled his hands with her breasts stopping when she winced, "They are tender," she explained.

When he went to release them, she placed her hands over his, "Just not as firm," she moaned in pleasure as he gently massaged her. Pulling her close, he flicked a nipple with his tongue waiting to hear her reaction, "That feels good."

While he was paying special attention to her nipples, she was rubbing against him; the delicious friction of his erection against her core was making her wet and ready. He slipped a hand down between them and began to rub her clitoris through the wet fabric causing her to buck against his hand.

She pushed her knickers out of the way and released him from his boxers. Not even pausing to remove the rest of their clothes she lowered herself onto him slowly, hissing at the intense feeling of pleasure that flooded her body at the fullness.

Remus closed his eyes as the warm, velvety wetness surrounded him. When she tightened around him, he groaned in pleasure. As she began to ride him, his hands moved to her hips to help hold her steady. His hips began to thrust up to meet hers. Remus was getting closer and closer to his release as he watched the pleasure washing over Amber's face. He wanted them to cum together and knew that he didn't have long. Reaching once again between their bodies, he began to stroke her in time with their thrusts, she managed to open her eyes to slits and smile at him. When he felt the waves of her orgasm take her he released all control and drove into her as deeply as he could and fell over the edge into an ocean of pleasure.

Amber braced her arms on either side of Remus' head and blinked trying to bring the world back into focus. His hands were making lazy circles on her back and his eyes had a sleepy sated look. He pulled her down on top of him so that her head was resting on his chest. Reaching for the sheet, he arranged it over both of them before falling asleep.

At two a.m. the Nanny Goat bell began ringing and the babies' cries could be heard coming from the bedside table and from the spare bedroom. Amber jumped up and hit Remus in the chin before she realized that she had fallen asleep on top of him. Rolling off she pulled on a robe while Remus fixed his boxers and headed downstairs to get two bottles.

Amber proudly performed the diaper charm on both boys. She heard a crash from downstairs followed by some colorful language. Remus hopped into view holding two bottles. At her look, "I tripped over the changing table and kicked it and now it is disassembled," he hobbled up the stairs.

She just nodded at him and took one of the bottles. Going back into the temporary nursery she picked up Nathair and began to feed him. Remus looked from her to the other crying baby to the bottle in his hand, "Go ahead daddy to be, you might as well start practicing."

Remus limped over to the crib and looked down at the squalling infant. Lifting him from the crib he joined Amber on the bed. Watching what she was doing, he began to try to imitate her, remembering what Molly had said earlier, he started to rub the nipple on Aleser's mouth only to start when he lunged at it and began to hungrily feed. When the twins had finished their bottles, Amber summoned two spit clothes and they burped the babies. Settling them back into their crib, Remus and Amber grinned at each other in satisfaction at a job well done before crawling back into bed.

At six, the twins woke them for their breakfast. Remus again stumbled downstairs to get two bottles. Amber smirked as she heard a thump, a yelp and them some more thumps as if someone was hopping around. Remus limped into the room carrying two new bottles, "The changing table is back up," he muttered before picking up Aleser.

Amber just took Nathair from the crib and settled down to feed him, hiding her grin in his thatch of jet black hair. After burping the babies, Remus and Amber decided to go for it and give them bathes. Molly had shown them how to do a newborn bath charm so that the umbilical cord would not get wet.

Amber asked Remus to take Nathair's diaper off while she got the bath ready. She was testing the water like Molly showed her when she heard an, "Oh shi…sugar," come from behind her. Turning she saw a very wet Remus holding the diaper closed.

"What happened?"

"He pissed on me!" Remus exclaimed, trying to wipe his face off and hold the diaper in place at the same time.

Amber giggled. "You think it's funny? Well you are the one who is going to have to put him in the water and you can't keep a diaper over him while he's in the water."

Amber just grinned and came over and took the baby from Remus. Placing him in the tub, she put a washcloth over his lap and grinned back at Remus.

"I hope we have a daughter," she heard him mutter.

"You think little girls, won't urinate on you?"

"Oh I'm sure all babies do, it's just little girls can't aim as well as little boys," Remus smirked.

Amber nodded in agreement and quickly finished bathing Nathair. Remus had a towel ready and wrapped him in it to pat him dry, being careful to keep the towel over certain areas.

Amber refilled the bath for Aleser and with a washcloth handy, removed his diaper and slipped him into the bath. Keep a firm grip on the slippery infant; she shot a quick look at Remus to see how he was doing. Turning back to Aleser she was just in time to see a stream arch out of the tub and down the front of her shirt. Looking for the washcloth, she saw that it had slipped to one side, perfectly positioning his equipment to hose her down, "I hope we have a daughter too," she muttered.

It was nine when Alexis and Snape came to pick up their children. The front door was opened by a very frazzled looking Remus Lupin. He was wearing a pair of boxers, a trace of spit up down his back, and a harried look.

"Lupin, put on some clothes man," Snape sneered while stepping in front of Alexis to shield her from the sight of the half naked man. Alexis was trying to peek around her husband, she was married not dead, and could appreciate the sight of a well built male.

"What?" looking down at himself, Remus blushed seven shades of red before running back up the stairs, "Come in."

Amber came out of the kitchen with her hair confined in a scraggly pony tail and wearing a dressing gown and what looked to be most of a baby bottle of milk, "Damn faulty tops," noticing Alexis and Snape she gave them a weak smile, "Hullo, did you have a nice time at the match?"

Alexis and Snape just stared at her.

"Why don't I just run upstairs and fetch the babies?" before Alexis and Snape could respond, Amber had rushed up the stairs.

Exchanging glances, Alexis and Snape stepped into the previously immaculate house. The portable changing table was half way assembled and listing drunkenly to one side. The playpen was full of baby clothes and toys. There were empty baby bottles spread from one end of the room to the other. Following her nose, Alexis found a pile of dirty diapers. Her eyes widened, "Did you make sure they knew how to do the diaper charm?"

A slow smirk spread across Snape's face, "No, did you?"

Alexis cringed but couldn't help but chuckle, "Nope," a quick wave of her wand had the smelly pile gone. Another wave and an air freshening charm removed the lingering odor. Looking around the mess that was now Amber's living room, "I don't believe we have every properly thanked Poppy for all of the parenting lessons she gave us," Alexis said.

"Indeed," Snape responded surveying the room, "A diamond bracelet?"

"At the very least," Alexis agreed.

Snape began flicking his wand and began packing up the baby paraphernalia. The thumping of feet on stairs heralded the arrival of Remus and Amber carrying Aleser and Nathair. Remus had managed to find some pants, but that was all. Alexis gave Amber a wink when she was caught looking at Remus' chest, she mouthed, "Very nice."

Amber grinned and mouthed back, "I know."

Snape had missed the byplay being too busy taking Nathair from Remus. A quick scan of the infant showed a clean, well-fed happy baby. Snape gave Remus a nod before moving to place Nathair in his carrier. Moving over to Aleser he gave him the same scan before nodding to Amber and settling Aleser in his carrier.

Alexis began to help Amber clean and straighten the house while Snape filled them in on what had occurred after the game. Remus and Amber were both disturbed to hear that the dark mark and been seen in the sky once more.

Remus stepped outside to get the morning paper. The four adults gathered around him to read what the paper had to tell them. "Rubbish," Snape declared angrily, "Alexis, I think I might let you buy The Dailey Prophet after all. Then you can turn it into a children's quarterly."

Remus looked at Snape carefully, "Severus, I was wondering?"

"Yes Lupin?" Snape replied coolly.

"Amber and I are getting married and I was wondering if you would stand up for me?" Remus had braced himself for rejection.

Snape gave him a long considering look and then sighed as if much put upon, "Very well. I suppose it is my obligation since you did agree to be Nathair's godfather."

Remus relaxed knowing that this was the best he could hope for from Snape.

Alexis came running out of the kitchen and launched herself at Remus, much to Snape's displeasure since he still hadn't managed to find a shirt. Giving him a smacking kiss on the cheek, "Congratulations! Severus, did Remus tell you?"

Snape interrupted, "Yes, they are getting married and Lupin seems to feel that I owe him the courtesy of agreeing to stand up for him during the ceremony," an evil smirk played around Snape's lips, "and a bachelor party."

Remus grinned at Snape, "As long as you don't put Hagrid in charge of the entertainment or refreshments."

Amber came up and slid into Remus' embrace, "You are also going to be Uncle Severus," she teased.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant. Since I am your boys' aunt by friendship, I expect you to be my child's uncle by friendship."

Snape had to clear his throat, although his face still remained unreadable, "Of course. Alexis, it is really time that we depart."

Alexis looked at her watch, "Yes, if we hurry we can get home and settled before it is time for the boys' lunch. Thank both again for watching them," Alexis hugged Amber and before she could hug Remus, Snape had stuck his hand out for Remus to shake.

"Yes, thank you," Snape added stiffly.

"Come up to the castle soon and we can discuss your wedding," Alexis told Amber.

Snape was levitating all of their luggage while Amber and Alexis made sure the babies were comfortable and secure in their carriers.

After waving them off, Remus and Amber shut the door and leaned against each other. Remus kissed Amber's hair and said, "Promise me that we will not have twins."

AN: I am going to visit my family for the Easter Holiday. That is why you get two chapters. I won't be able to work on this again until 3/28/05. Since I usually post fairly often...hope you can forgive me for this delay. "X" and "O" to all my readers and reviewers.


	4. Lessons Well Learned

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing.**

AN: Had a great holiday with my family. Writing started slow but finally picked back up.

Mutt of Lothorlien: Thanks for the review. Yes I know that I need to go back and tidy up. But hopefully the mistakes aren't too bad and I thought maybe everyone would rather have me write new stuff and then work on fixing the old stuff when I finished or had writers' block (wink, wink). If I'm wrong and you would like me to tidy up just let me know.

Ravens Jade: Alexis knows through Order of the Phoenix. Regarding killing Sirius: I am trying to stay as close to the books as possible. That doesn't mean if I can write fast enough to get ahead of J.K. that I won't bring him back in my story. The book just says that he went through the veil. I chose to believe that in the AU of fanfiction, Sirius is still alive and waiting for some loyal fanfiction author to rescue him.

Kanina: I am trying to stay as close to the books as possible. Some of what I have planned is hinted at in this chapter.

Everyone else: THANK YOU! Your reviews keep me going. I hope that answered everyone's questions…and now back to our story currently in progress:

Chapter 4 Lessons Well Learned

**One good act of vengeance deserves another.**  
Author: John Jefferson

Alexis found it difficult to sleep that night with everything that had gone on in the last two days. She had tried to unwind by tending the boys, but that had only helped for a little while. Now it was late and she should be asleep, the babies would be getting her up early, but she just couldn't settle down. She kept remembering how helpless she had felt when all the trouble started at the Quidditch World Cup. Nothing she knew would have helped either the Ministry or the Muggles who were being tormented by the Death Eaters. She had been useless, Snape would not Apparate first and she still could not Apparate without using him as a beacon.

She could tell that Snape wasn't asleep either, "Severus?"

"Yes?" he quietly responded.

"I need to learn how to protect myself and the boys. There are going to be times that you're going to be busy or may not be around and I don't want you worrying about me."

Snape snorted, "I agree that you need to learn as much as possible as quickly as possible," in the dark Snape found he was able to speak of things that during the harsh light of day he would not be comfortable speaking of, "However, no matter how much you know, I will worry about you and the boys."

Alexis kissed his shoulder, "I want you to teach me Occlumency and Legilimency."

Snape was silent for a moment, "It is very difficult to learn however, if anyone can learn it I believe you can."

"Thank you," Alexis sighed; she knew Snape wasn't going to like this next bit, "I also want to hire Remus to tutor me in defense and offense. I know you would be the better teacher, but I also know that you're busy with potions projects. Also, Remus can use the money with getting married and the baby."

Snape didn't say anything for a long time. Alexis was starting to worry when he finally spoke, "I will allow Lupin to teach you the basics, if he is willing. After you have learned as much as you can from him, I will continue your education."

Alexis moved so that she was looking down at him, "Have I told you today that I love you?"

Snape appeared to think for a moment, "I don't believe you have."

"Okay, I was just wondering," Alexis pretended to start to settle down.

Snape pulled her down so that she was lying half on him, "I believe you should rectify that oversight immediately."

"Mmmm, I'm feeling kind of sleepy," Alexis yawned for effect, "perhaps tomorrow?"

Snape gave her "the look," he normally reserved for the Weasley twins.

"You want me to do it now?"

Snape nodded once slowly.

"And I suppose you want it right now?" Alexis sighed.

Snape again nodded just once.

Alexis huffed and rolled her eyes, leaning forward she placed a kiss on the right corner of his mouth. "I," moving to the left corner of his mouth she kissed it, "love," looking down at him with all the love she felt shining in her eyes, "you," and she finally kissed his lips. She traced them with her tongue, until he opened his mouth and then she deepened the kiss. Tasting him and sucking on his tongue, when he slipped it into her mouth. His hands were caressing her back, rubbing circles along her spine down to her bottom. She broke the kiss and moved so that she was straddling his hips. Catching the hem of her nightdress, she pulled it over her head and tossed it aside.

She could feel his hardness pressing against her. She grinned wickedly, stretching lifting her arms above her head thrusting her breasts out, rubbing against his erection. Snape smirked at her as he filled his hands and gently caressed her breasts, being careful because she was tender from nursing.

Moving his hands down to her knickers, with one quick snap he had the elastic ripped and he slipped them out from under her. Before Alexis could recover from her surprise at his sudden move, he had slipped a hand between their bodies and began stroking her clitoris. Alexis arched into his hand and her eyes closed at the rush of pleasure. Snape continued to caress her as he shifted to free himself. Alexis was so caught up in the waves of pleasure, he was causing that she was surprised when he entered her in a smooth thrust. She began to move finding a rhythm that pleased them both. Snape continued to rub her until he felt her first orgasm. He then rolled over and began a series of rapid strokes, when he felt her second climax he finally let himself go. With the release of her tension, Alexis was finally able to go to sleep.

The next morning, Alexis made her way to see Remus; she had left the babies with Snape. He was going to be working on his class schedules, insisting he could handle watching two babies who did nothing but eat, sleep and poop.

Alexis kissed him goodbye and reminded him that Poppy was going to be available all day if he needed help. Snape snorted at that and practically pushed her out the door.

Remus answered the door at Alexis' knock, "Hello Alexis, I'm sorry but Amber is at St. Mungos today."

"Actually Remus, I came to see you," Alexis smiled at him, "would you be free to join me on a walk."

Remus grinned, "Amber's filled you in on the neighbors?"

"Yes," Alexis grinned back, "And if I had arranged something with Amber, it might be fun to give them something to talk about, but we'll save that for another time."

Remus nodded and stepped outside, they started walking towards Hogsmeade.

"Remus, would you consider private tutoring in defense?" Alexis asked.

"It would depend on who it was," Remus admitted.

"Remus, I have never been as scared in my whole life as I was that night. I don't want to ever feel that helpless again. Would you teach me defense and offense?" Alexis looked at him pleadingly.

Remus stiffened, "Alexis I don't need a pity job."

Alexis looked puzzled for a moment and then mad, "Remus Lupin, I am asking you because I feel that you're the best person for the job, not because I pity you."

"Alexis you were the youngest Auror, what can I teach you?" Remus asked angrily.

"Remus that is what is so scary; I don't remember any of that. I can do basic spells, the only spell I could have cast to protect myself would have been a full body bind. I don't think that would have been very effective. If you don't want the job, I will have to find someone else. You're mine and Severus' first choice," Alexis stated.

Remus gave her a long look as if trying to see if she was telling the truth, "I'll take the job."

"Thank you," Alexis was relieved, "when can you start?"

Remus smiled at her eagerness, "How about tomorrow morning at 10 up at the school?"

"Wonderful, I don't know if I can tell you how much this means to me," they had walked full circle and now faced, Amber's house, "I left Severus with the twins, I better get back." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before walking away.

Alexis returned to the dungeons to find that Snape was at his desk in their quarters working, while the boys were quietly swinging in mid-air fast asleep. Staring from her sons to her husband, she cocked her head in silent query.

"They were fussing and rocking was the only thing that seemed to sooth them. I had to finish this paperwork, so I used a levitation charm," Snape smirked.

Alexis shrugged and pausing to kiss him, retrieved her papers and settled on the couch. Dumbledore had asked her to be available to help the first years adjust. Minerva had provided her with a list of their names and Alexis was trying to familiarize herself with them.

They worked for a while in companionable silence before it was broken by Snape, "When do you start your lessons?"

"Tomorrow at ten," she responded, "How do you think you pronounce F-O-C-K-E-R?"

"Where will you meet? Focker," Snape responded

"Here at the school. Poor kid, what were his parents thinking naming him Seymour Focker?" Alexis was shaking her head, "Sounds like the type of name kids put down on an attendance list for a substitute teacher. Look another Weasley."

"What!"

"Just kidding," Alexis grinned over at him.

Snape humphed in irritation.

Saturday night came and Snape had made all the arrangements with the proprietor of the Happy Hare to make sure that Remus had a bachelor's party to remember. They would eat dinner in a private room, then enjoy the main show and then return to the private room and dancers for the finale. He had paid extra for the party to be catered; he had even rented an extra large carriage to take them there and back.

They arrived at the club at nine o'clock and were immediately shown to their room. Everything looked amazing. The table was spread with a snowy white cloth and set with bone china, the best Goblin made silver service and crystal glasses. When everyone was seated, three pretty girls dressed in skimpy costumes representing different animals began to serve the steak dinner he had ordered.

One of the waitresses was dressed as a black cat complete with a magical tail, that would caress and tickle the men she was serving. The other waitress was making sure everyone's glass was full, her outfit was a bikini trimmed in white fur, long white ears lined in pink and a fluffy white tail. The final waitress also was wearing white. Her suit was technically a one piece, but it was more a series of criss-crossing ribbons, that were just thick enough to cover what they needed to cover. A long gold tail and a gold horn affixed to her forehead indicated she was supposed to be a unicorn.

Filius was practically bouncing in excitement. Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling like a deranged firefly. Hagrid was enjoying his double portion of steak and the extra large tankard Snape had specifically requested for his use. Remus was impressed with the effort and expense Snape had expended for him. Snape was smirking as he patted himself on the back for a job well done.

After dinner and very expensive wizard cigars enjoyed with glasses of brandy; the gentlemen headed into the main room to watch the featured dancer. Snape found that he was bored. It surprised him to find that he would much rather be home with Alexis and his sons. He looked over at Remus who was drinking another glass of brandy. Snape decided Remus looked bored too. Snape assessed Hagrid, Filius and Dumbledore and decided that at least they were enjoying themselves. Filius was waving the girls over, trying to stuff as much money in their costumes as he could manage. Snape watched as Flitwick, in his excitement, toppled off of the table he was standing on. He smirked as he realized the canny wizard's fall was actually a ploy to get both the waitresses and dancers to 'help' him up. Snape couldn't hold back a snicker as he watched Filius' eyes close in delight as one of the girls rubbed her generous endowments all in his face as she tried to help him to his feet.

"A galleon says he 'falls' again in the next ten minutes," Remus muttered to Snape.

"Two says it is within five," Snape countered.

Four and a half minutes later Remus was grumbling as he handed Snape some money, "You would think the little pervert could last longer than five minutes."

Snape just sneered, "He has found something that works for him, so he is going to play it for all it is worth."

Remus nodded and couldn't help smiling as this time Flitwick was squeezed between two bosomy girls, "Well if he suffocates, at least he will die happy."

Snape snorted into his drink as he saw that the tiny professor did indeed look as if might be in imminent danger of smothering. Filius noticed that Snape was about to come to his rescue and shot him a look that quickly had him resuming his seat, "I believe you're correct Lup…Remus."

Remus nearly chocked on his drink as Snape used his first name. Snape took advantage of the opportunity to pound Remus on the back, strictly as means of helping him clear his airways.

Hagrid started thumping his tankard on the table in time with the music, as a dancer costumed to look like a dragon came slithering out onto the stage. She was wearing a skin tight dragon leather outfit that covered her from chin to ankles. It almost looked as if the costume was painted on her body. At that thought Snape's mind drifted back to the time he had painted a snake on Alexis' naked body and then taken pictures. She had given him a portrait of her based on one of the photos for his birthday.

He was brought back to the present, when a long green glove landed on his head.

The dragon dancer was smiling at him flirtatiously, but quickly stopped when he just scowled at her. She had interrupted him, while had been remembering how he had removed the edible body paint from Alexis. The dancer was now wearing green scale pasties, a green g-string and was breathing fire. Hagrid was clapping so hard the tables were shaking.

The lights went down as the dancer left the stage to raucous cheers and catcalls. Snape started herding the inebriated wizards in his group back to the private room. The owner, Betty, had promised something special for the private number. Snape was more anxious to have the evening over so he could get back to Alexis than he was to see the specialty act, but the quicker the act was seen the sooner he could get home. He noticed that Remus, even though he was the guest of honor, was still sober and was helping Snape hurry everyone along.

The dining table had been removed from the room and replaced with large comfortable chairs. Filius' chair had extra cushions in it so he could see better. After everyone was comfortable and had a fresh drink, music started playing and large double doors opened. Four girls with long manes and tails attached to their brief outfits pranced into the room, pulling what looked like a huge bird cage. Inside the cage were three circular perches, each at a different level. Seated on each perch was an exotic "bird". The ladies were dressed in feathers, complete with feathered headdresses which covered their hair and sequined and feathered masks so that their faces were completely hidden.

The four "horses" stopped and one ran up and opened the front of the cage so the men would have an unobstructed view of the "birds". The birds started swinging in time to the music, as they swung they began to molt. Feathers gently floated to the floor before magically disappearing.

The center bird jumped down from her perch and began using her wings to hide behind. She swayed to the music, using her bright green and silver wings to flirt. Her feathers were still disappearing, now she was wearing a brief halter top that pushed her cleavage up and out. Her bottom was a sequined covered strip that wrapped around her hips and from which hung huge, long, thick feathers that allowed brief glimpses of her legs as she dipped and swayed. Snape found something strangely familiar about this woman. He stared at her as she danced, trying to determine if perhaps she was a former student.

Remus leaned over from where he was seated beside Snape, "Do you recognize the red and gold bird? I feel like I should know her."

Snape spared the bird Remus spoke of a passing glance and then did a double take. There was something very familiar about her. Studying the last bird who was dressed in blue and yellow feathers, he determined that there was nothing about that one to suggest he might know her also.

He watched as the red bird joined the green bird in front of the cage, the two began a very suggestive dance. They two ladies were very limber and Snape was impressed with how well synchronized their movements were. The blue bird soon joined the other two, now all three were moving in harmony. His attention kept returning to the green bird, the three began to twirl and the feathers really flew. As their legs began to appear, Snape began to get a bad feeling about who was under that mask. Looking over at Remus he found the fool grinning at him, "I know who the green bird is," before Snape could respond Remus continued, "it is your wife." Snape's face was frozen in a glare as he watched Remus start to chuckle.

"Yes and if the green bird is my wife the red bird is your fiancé," his words wiped the grin completely off of Remus' face. Remus quickly began intently studying the red bird. Snape saw when the realization that she was indeed Amber hit the other man and felt a certain grim satisfaction, as he saw Remus' face take on a look of extreme displeasure.

Grabbing Remus' arm as he got to his feet to put a stop to the dancing, "Wait, let's teach them a lesson."

Remus looked over at Snape and nodded slowly as he returned Snape's smirk.


	5. Fun And Games

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

AN: Thanks for all the reviews. Keep them coming please, please, please!

**Chapter 5 Fun and Games**

**Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin**

Remus sat back and let Snape take the lead. Snape settled back into a graceful pose, imperiously gestured for the silver and green bird to come over to him. His smirk grew, as he watched her slowly shake her head and try to nudge the red bird over to him. The red bird quickly bumped the blue bird with her hip causing her to stumble closer to Snape. While Snape found it amusing, Hagrid was beginning to get offended on his behalf.

"Now see 'ere. Professor Snape is the one 'hat is payin' for all this. If 'e wants ye to go to 'im, ye' better go on over," Hagrid's beard was bristling indignantly.

With an angry look over her shoulder at her fellow avians, the green bird strutted up to the seated professor. During the twirling all of the long, green feathers in the front of her waist band had floated free, leaving just the ones in the back to form a kind of long tail. Snape then motioned for the red bird to come over. He could see the red bird's chest rise and fall in a heavy sigh, before she squared her shoulders and also shimmied over to him.

Looking at the red bird, Snape said with a nod at Remus, "My companion here is getting married soon. I want you to give him something to think about on all those long, cold, nights that he is in bed with the same frigid woman," Snape could see her eyes behind the mask and they were narrowed in anger.

Remus grinned, "Now Severus, there is no way I would ever call Amber frigid however, she is pregnant, and soon will get fat and unattractive," now he was speaking to the red bird, "give me something to think about when my wife swells up like balloon."

The red bird tossed her head and swung around so quickly her tail feathers slapped Remus in the face. Looking back over one shoulder in a seductive pose, she began swaying her hips to the music. Remus found that knowing it was Amber made it all the more erotic. She managed a high kick and turn at the same time so that now she was facing him. She began to peel off the gloves that had been revealed when her wing feathers had fallen.

Snape then turned his attention to the green bird, reaching into his pocket he pulled out a handful of galleons, "How much for a lap dance?"

At first he thought he was going to get smacked, and then with a flick of her feathered headdress, she reached out a hand and scooped up several of the coins and tucked them into her cleavage. Staring him in the eyes. She leaned over and placing one hand on either arm of the chair he sat in, she swayed hypnotically from side to side, moving her head closer and closer to his. When she was a breath away, she arched her back and lifted herself onto his lap: almost brushing his face with her breasts at the same time. Snape spit a bit of feather out of his mouth, quirking an eyebrow at her all the while maintaining a bored expression. A glance showed him that the blue bird was keeping the rest of the party entertained, briefly he wondered who Alexis and Amber had gotten to help them with this. Turning his attention back to the dancer now shaking her money maker, he yawned, raising a languid hand to cover his mouth. She seemed to take this as a challenge and redoubled her efforts to get a rise out of him. Snape was smirking; she was doing an amazing job of not really touching him while at the same time moving in very provocative ways.

The red bird now had one foot on the chair between Remus' legs and was really putting on a show. Remus grinned, "Not bad, maybe I can get you to give my fiancé lessons?"

She just arched her back, placing her hands on the floor behind her back and pushed off and managed a back somersault before landing in a split. Remus' mouth was hanging open.

A woman dressed in an evening gown came into the room and blew a bird whistle. The three dancers immediately ran back to their cage and seated themselves on their perches. The doors of the cage swung closed. The girls waved at the wizards as their cage was rolled away.

The woman who had blown the whistle was the owner of the club, Betty, "Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your evening," she smiled coolly at the enthusiastic response from Hagrid and Filius. "I'm sorry, but there is another group that has reserved this room for the rest of the evening. You are more than welcome to return to the main room and enjoy more of our stage performances."

Snape and Remus began to gather the group together, ignoring Hagrid and Filius' tipsy protests at ending the evening so soon. Exiting the room, they saw the next group waiting; Remus looked at Snape, "I didn't know they catered to women here as well?"

Snape just shrugged, he wanted to get home and see what Alexis had to say for herself. Just then he heard a very familiar laugh. Looking around the room he watched as a couple of the women shifted to reveal a face he knew extremely well. Grabbing Remus' arm, he pointed over to where Alexis and Amber were laughing and talking with Minerva, Rolanda, and a couple of other women.

Exchanging looks, the two men immediately headed toward the other group. It was unfortunate for Flitwick, that they had been supporting him until they got distracted. Flitwick ended up flat on the floor staring up at the ceiling wondering how the hell he got there and where were all those lovely ladies who had helped him up earlier.

"Ladies," Snape smirked.

"Severus," Alexis laughed up at him, "I won't ask what you're doing here, if you don't ask what we are doing here."

Amber grinned, "Did you have a good time?"

Remus replied, "Well the private dancers were fairly amateurish, wouldn't you say Severus?"

Snape answered, "Yes, I was very disappointed in them, for what I paid I expected something a little more polished and professional."

Alexis, "That's too bad, we have heard such wonderful things about the performers here that we decided to see what all the hoopla was about. Well, maybe the male dancers will be better? It looks like our room is ready. You be careful getting home," Alexis reached up and kissed Snape's cheek, "Wow, it's too bad you didn't have those girls over there, the costumes are gorgeous and the girls look great too."

Snape and Remus turned to look over where Alexis was pointing and they were stunned. There was the red bird, green bird and blue bird all waving at them. Although on closer inspection they realized that it was a single digit wave. The birds were giving them the bird.

"Unless those were your dancers?" Amber had noticed the rude gesture, "I think they may have heard your comments. You had better give them a big tip Severus."

Remus and Snape watched as Alexis and Amber joined the rest of the women and entered the private room.

Remus opened his mouth and then closed it without saying anything, looking from where the dancers had disappeared and then back to the private room. When he opened it again, Snape told him, "Just shut up," and walked over to help Filius to his feet. A few minutes later he managed to get everyone into the carriage and head back to Hogwarts.

Amber and Alexis were leaning on the each other convulsed in laughter. "Did you see their faces when they saw the dancers?" Amber gasped out.

"It was priceless," Alexis nodded.

Betty was smirking, she had made a nice knut this evening but she had to ask, "How did you two get changed and out there so fast?"

"Magic," they gasped out together still laughing.

Alexis admitted, "And practice. That is all we have been doing this week is practicing dancing and the quick change," reaching into her robes she pulled out four purses. Handing the heaviest to Betty, "A little something extra for all you put up with tonight," holding out the other three, "and something for our fine feathered friends, that final wave was perfect. Now bring on the men!"

At that Rolanda let out a whoop and Betty clapped her hands. Three very nicely built young men came in dressed as Muggles. Music began and a disco ball began reflecting sparkles of light as the men began to bump and grind.

Minerva sighed, "I do wish we could have gotten Zorro again," as one of the dancers ripped his shirt off to show a very nice set of abs, "although change can sometimes be good." Hurrying over she pulled out some money and began waving it in the air.

AN: Short chapter but didn't want to leave you in suspense for too long…so where you surprised? Review and let me know.


	6. Going Round

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own anything.

AN: ICCU thanks for the review…I dedicate this chapter to you…because you inspired it!

Steve2: Here's your plug. Thanks for the LONG review I have printed it and framed it to hang over my computer. Being recently divorced this is my outlet so that is why there is so much sex. Just think if I was out trolling the bars, I wouldn't have as much time to write. Also, I swore if I posted a story I would finish it and try to do it in a timely manner (even if I had to pay someone to finish it for me LOL). I hate getting all caught up in a story and then it just stop.

Thanks to everyone who reviews. Keep them coming please, please, please!

**Chapter 6 Going 'Round**

**You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.  
Ray Bradbury**

Alexis was trying to quietly sneak into the bedroom. However, considering that she had enjoyed herself and was very drunk, this was an endeavor doomed to failure. Poppy had provided her with a potion that would keep the alcohol from transferring to the babies through her breast milk. It was a short term potion and if used too often would stop working so it had to be saved for special occasions.

Snape had collected the boys from Poppy, who had volunteered to sit for them while everyone else went out, and put them to bed. Now he was leaning against the headboard watching as Alexis crept into the room with drunken stealth: which meant she was hopping on one foot trying to remove her shoe from the other.

Alexis looked at the bed with bleary eyes. She had managed to get both shoes off and was in the process of removing the rest of her clothes. The robes were fairly simply, up and over the head and onto the floor. The blouse and skirt she wore were presenting more of a challenge. Snape was smirking. He was enjoying this strip show more than any of the others he had seen that night.

She had managed to get her skirt off and now she was wearing her bra, panties and her blouse was dangling from one wrist as she had forgotten to unbutton the cuff before trying to take it off. Snape had to duck as she unclasped her bra and accidentally sent it shooting straight at his head. Alexis still had not noticed him sitting up in the bed watching her. Trailing her blouse, she stumbled to the bed and began to crawl into it. The bed was high and so was she. Snape watched as she leaned against the edge of the mattress. With a Herculean effort, she tried to lift herself into the bed, but was thwarted by her hand slipping on the comforter. The silk blouse against the satin spread made for a very slippery surface. Alexis head disappeared. Snape looked over the side and saw her sitting on the floor. She nodded as if she had reached a decision and struggled to her feet. Snape watched curious as she backed off a few feet before he realized that she was getting a running start. Before he could stop her she had launched herself into a staggering run and with a mighty leap, she hit the side of the bed and slid to the floor.

Snape leaned over to see what she was doing now. She was crawling under the bed. He was trying to decide if he should retrieve her when she began to wiggle back out. She had found the steps the house elves used to be able to reach the bed to change the linens. Dragging them into place, she was finally able to climb into the bed. As she started to crawl over Snape to get to her side of the bed she kneed him in the hip. At his grunt she looked up from where she was straddling his lap, "Severus, are you awake?" she swayed from side to side and tried to focus on him.

"No Alexis, this is all a dream," Snape replied snidely.

Alexis gave a heavy sigh, "Oh that's too bad. If you were awake I would get you to take care of a problem I seem to be having," Alexis yawned and prepared to continue her move to her side of the bed.

Snape's hands on her waist stopped her, "What type of problem?"

"Well, you see," she whispered loudly, "I am very horny. But if you are not awake, there isn't anything you can do about it, is there?"

"This is your dream so I would say that you could do anything you like," Snape replied with a leer.

"That's right," Alexis was so excited she began to bounce on him causing Snape to have to bite back a groan. "I want you to kiss me," Alexis commanded leaning closer.

Snape willingly obliged, using his hands on her waist to urge her closer. He nibbled at her lips until she smiled and opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. Pulling back slightly, "Now, play with my boobs," she gasped into his mouth as his hands came up to caress and fondle her.

"I want to see you, all of you," she demanded lifting her hips so that he could push the covers down off his body, "this is my dream and you are supposed to be naked," Alexis was pouting as Snape revealed his pajama bottoms.

"I can take care of that," Snape pulled his wand out from under his pillow and waved it and removed the rest of his clothes.

Alexis smirked, "Much better," before scooting back until she was straddling his knees. Leaning over she gently ran a finger up and down his erection, "Hello Sergeant Slytherin Snake and how are you this evening?" she whispered against his skin. When it twitched as if in response to her words she giggled before looking back up at Snape, "If I buy you Elephant undies," taking his penis in both hands, "with an extra, extra long trunk, would you wear them for me? Your penis goes into the," Snape interrupted her.

"I believe I know how it works, and no, I would not wear anything so ridiculous," he sneered.

"But Severus, when you get an erection the elephant's trunk goes up and it magically trumpets," Alexis pleaded with him as she continued to handle him.

"How do you know about such things?" Snape asked while wondering why they were even discussing elephant underwear when they were both naked and she was stroking him.

"Raymond was wearing a pair," Alexis leaned down and licked at the head of his penis.

"And just who is Raymond?" Snape managed to get out through clenched teeth.

"He was one of the strippers tonight. But between you and me, I think he stuffs his trunk," whatever reply Snape was about to make to that comment flew out of his head as Alexis took him into her mouth and began swirling her tongue all over.

He groaned in frustration when she stopped to say, "And the sad thing is the trunk was only a medium," before returning to laving him with her tongue.

When she stopped again, he almost pulled his hair out in frustration, "He told me that his girlfriend also does dragons, giraffes and snakes," Alexis giggled, "the snakes come from garter snakes all the way up to giant anacondas," with a considering look at his impressive size, "you would definitely need at least a python if not an anaconda."

Snape was relieved when she finally returned her mouth to his penis. He threaded his fingers through her hair; she pushed her head into his hand and rubbed against it like a cat as she continued to lick him.

"Suck it," he ordered.

Giving him a snappy salute she proceeded to suck and then alternate sucking and licking while pumping him with her hands. When she swirled her tongue around his tip, he lost control.

When he had recovered his breath, he found Alexis laying with her head on his stomach and her arms around his waist, "It's your turn Alexis," he smirked at her.

"No, too sleepy now," she yawned and rubbed her face against him.

"What happened to you being horny?" he asked disappointed as he played with her hair.

"Horny before, sleepy now," Alexis giggled, "I was VERY horny earlier. Do you know how hard it was not to give you a real lap dance?"

Snape's eyes narrowed, "When?" he questioned in a whisper.

"Earlier, you know when I was dancing for you. Amber reminded me when she dropped me off not to say anything to you. But I can tell you anything. You told me so," Alexis' voice was starting to slur with sleep, "You never got mad at all the Valentine's pranks I pulled on you."

Snape was staring at his innocently sleeping wife. So she and Amber had been the dancers tonight and Alexis had been the one behind his Valentine's Day Massacre. This called for some major plotting and planning. She couldn't be allowed to get away with it or she would become insufferable. The main question was would she remember telling him in the morning? A truly wicked sneer made its way across Snape's face; one of the side effects of the potion she had taken to keep the alcohol from entering her breast milk was that she could not take a hangover potion. Snape settled down to get some sleep. His plan of attack would be based on what Alexis remembered in the morning.

Alexis woke to the sound of a thousand tiny little men pounding a thousand tiny little hammers against the inside of her skull. Cautiously cracking one eye open she winced and rolled over against the bright beam of light that had tried to blind her: with the sudden movement, the thousand little men split and became two thousand and exchanged their hammers for mallets. Alexis moaned into the pillow she was trying to smother herself with, even her fingernails hurt.

Snape was standing beside the bed with an evil look on his face and a baby in his arms, "Good, you are awake. Can you help me out by changing Aleser's diaper?" and with that he plunked the baby down with the very full diaper right next to Alexis' nose.

Alexis turned her head toward the baby and made a gagging sound as the full odor of overloaded diaper hit her, "Oh my…what on earth is that?" as she scrambled from the bed and made a rush to the bathroom. The retching sounds led Snape to believe that the first minor act of revenge had been successful. Waving his wand, Aleser was soon in a fresh, clean diaper, "Thanks for the help Aleser. Us men have to stick together," he snickered against the baby's head as he went to check on his wife.

After putting Aleser in his crib and checking on Nathair, Snape headed into the bathroom. Alexis was lying with her head on the seat of the toilet and her eyes were closed. Snape wet a washcloth and wiped off her face. Alexis sighed, "Thanks. I hope I didn't wake you up last night when I came in?"

Snape scrutinized her face, "You didn't wake me," which wasn't a lie, he had been awake and waiting on her, "Do you remember what time you got in?"

"The last thing I remember is leaving the club. Everything else is a fuzzy blur," she grinned with her eyes closed, "Although I do remember a wonderful dream about you. Remind me to tell you about it sometime when I'm not so hung over. That and something about elephants," Alexis' brow furrowed as she tried to remember. Wincing, she smoothed out the wrinkles on her forehead with a shaky hand. Suddenly her eyes popped open, looking up at him, "I'm going to be getting a package sometime next week. Don't open it," she winced at the bright light in the bathroom and closed her eyes again, "Christmas and all that," leaning against his leg, she asked, "You don't happen to have a fast acting poison hanging around anywhere?"

Snape smirked thinking of the twelve different poisons he routinely kept on hand, "Nothing that I can give you," he filled a glass with water from the bathroom tap and handed it to her with a simple headache potion, "Here drink these."

Alexis gulped them down and then gritted her teeth against her stomach's rebellion. When the nausea passed, she nuzzled against his leg. Snape was wearing an evil look as he picked up the metal basin he had earlierbrought in from his classroom and "accidentally" let it drop to the tile floor with a loud reverberating clang. Alexis shot straight up and covered her ears with her hands as she swayed back and forth.

"So sorry, dear, how clumsy of me," Snape said with false sympathy.

Alexis just moaned.

"You need to eat something. It will make you feel better. How about a nice onion and pepper omelet with some of the blood sausage the elves get for Minerva?"

Alexis' hands went from her ears to her mouth as she fought to keep the water and headache potion down that she had just taken.

"Maybe not," Snape replied as he left the bathroom.

Much later Alexis slowly made her way out of the bathroom. Her hair was hanging in a dripping mass down her back and across her face. Snape winced as a blood shot eye peered out from the wet strands of hair that were streaming water down her face.

Taking the towel from her hands, Snape began to blot her hair gently. When he felt her relax against him, he changed from blotting to vigorously rubbing her head. Her hands immediately came up and grabbed his wrists as she moaned at the pain. Snape stopped as her fingernails bit into his skin, "Sorry I was just trying to dry your hair for you."

"Please just use your wand," Alexis begged piteously.

Snape didn't say anything as he waved his wand and her hair was immediately dry. Alexis tottered into the bathroom to hang the wet towel up. Snape waited and was rewarded by a shriek. Alexis staggered out, "What did you do to my hair?" she was pointing at the frizzy mop that was usually a smooth fall of honey blonde hair.

"I don't have much experience with hair and beauty charms," Snape managed to look offended.

Alexis nodded wearily, "I don't suppose you would."

Snape was wondering how to contact Remus without arousing Alexis' and Amber's suspicions. Some of the plans he had would require assistance. He looked over at Alexis and had a thought, "Alexis, what time are you meeting with Remus today for your lesson?"

"Oh pepper, I forgot, I'll have to send him an Owl. There is no way I should be wielding a wand today."

Snape offered helpfully, "Why don't I take care of that for you? You look like you could use some more rest."

Alexis smiled at him gratefully, "You are too good to me."

Severus looked in on Alexis. She had been slowly recovering all day and was almost back to normal, "I have to go into Hogsmeade to pick up a few supplies for the new term that just came in from back order. Would you like to go with me?"

"No thank you," Alexis said, "the boys just went down for their nap."

Snape as always had impeccable timing, "Do you want me to pick anything up for you?"

Alexis thought for a moment, "I can't think of anything. If I do, I'll send Star to you with a note."

Alexis gave him a long kiss.

"What was that for?" Snape asked.

"So you will hurry back," Alexis smirked.

Snape snorted as he headed out the door.

Snape pushed open the door of The Hog's Head pub and looked around for Remus. The place was dirty and musty but they were unlikely to run into anyone else from the school and Snape didn't want word of this meeting reaching Alexis or Amber. Deciding that Remus hadn't arrived yet, Snape stepped up to the bar to get two bottles of butterbeer. The only thing he would trust in this place since he would be able to open the bottle himself.

Remus walked in as Snape was paying for the drinks. Snape indicated a table in the rear. Handing Remus one of the bottles, Snape settled into a chair.

"Interesting choice of meeting places Severus," Remus said looking around, "I don't think I've been in here since seventh year."

Snape raised a brow at this but chose not to comment, "I found out something that I believe will interest you."

Remus just smiled at him and took a drink of his butterbeer, knowing it would irritate Snape that he wasn't asking questions.

Snape gave him an aggravated look before continuing, "The dancers last night were in fact Alexis and Amber," he sat back to wait for Remus' reaction.

Remus sputtered choking on the mouthful of drink he had just taken.

Snape wiped spatters of butterbeer off of his face and robes with a white handkerchief and gave Remus a look of disgust.

"Sorry about that," Remus flushed as he apologized, "How did you find out? I thought…what?...the girls were out there and then the dancers were….?"

Snape sneered, "Alexis came home a little worse for wear and admitted that they were the dancers and that she had been the one behind the Valentine Day pranks."

Remus looked impressed, "Wow, she could give Fred and George Weasley a run for their money."

Snape didn't want to admit it but secretly deep in his Slytherin soul he too was impressed by how Alexis had fooled and manipulated him. It would take a Cruciatus Curse before he would admit it though.

Remus grinned at Snape; seventeen years ago he would have hexed anyone who tried to tell him he would one day say these words to Snape, "So what do you have planned and how can I assist you?"

Snape smirked as he leaned toward the other man, "This is what I thought we would do…"

AN: Bwahaahaa I am taking a six month vacation so I won't be posting for a while. APRIL FOOLS! I tried to post this 4/1/05 but fanfic seemed to be having issues so now it is a late April fools...


	7. A Funny Thing Happened

AN: I don't own it if you recognize it. In fact if you don't recognize it I probably don't own it either.

**Chapter 7 A Funny Thing Happened To Me….**

**Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.  
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)**

Remus and Snape returned to their respective homes, each knowing exactly what they were going to do.

Snape and Alexis were cuddled on the couch, the boys were in their crib and Alexis was feeling frisky, "How about I tell you about my dream?" Snape didn't respond. Alexis squeezed his thigh, "Severus, how about I tell you about the dream I had last night?" Alexis moved her hand higher.

Snape, looked down at her, "Did you say something?"

Alexis pulled away and looked at him puzzled, "Is something wrong, Severus?"

"Of course not, why do you ask?" Snape replied.

"You just seem distracted," Alexis' look was concerned.

"I was just thinking about something," Severus said evasively.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alexis rubbed his leg comfortingly.

Snape gave her a considering look, "It isn't something I should probably discuss with you."

"Severus Snape, you can talk to me about anything," Alexis told him, "I want open communication between us so that we can work out any issues before they become problems."

Snape pursed his lips, "Well, if you are sure?" he started. At Alexis' encouraging nod, he continued, "I wasn't completely honest with you last night."

"About what?" Alexis asked.

"When I told you the dancers were amateurish and that I was disappointed," Snape confessed.

Alexis smiled at him, "Why would you lie about something like that?"

"I didn't want you to feel jealous," Alexis's smiled broadened, "or inferior," Snape continued.

The smile was wiped off of Alexis' face, "Inferior? Why would I feel inferior?"

"The dancers were very good. I don't think I've ever seen any as talented as they are. There was one wearing red and gold feathers who…" Snape's voice trailed off and he just shook his head.

"What about her?" Alexis' voice had sharpened.

"She did moves; she must have used magic to make some of those dance moves without hurting herself. Now the one in green and silver feathers, well she was adequate. But nothing compared to the red bird. I asked the green bird to give me a lap dance, but I really wished I had waited until the red bird had finished with Lupin. Not that I didn't get my money's worth from the green bird, but I just can't help but wondering what the red bird would have done," Snape was watching Alexis from the corner of his eye and trying not to smirk.

Alexis was looking torn, "Why don't you tell me what the red slut did and I bet I could do better?"

"I couldn't ask you to do that," Snape told her, "You just had a baby and she was much younger than you and in better shape. Not that there is anything wrong with your shape," Snape hastened to add.

"How much younger? She couldn't have been too much younger and it be legal?" Alexis was getting irritated.

"You are correct, she probably wasn't that much younger than you are," Snape paused, "You just look a lot older than she did."

"So now I look like an old out-of-shape hag?" Alexis asked indignantly.

"Not at all," Snape hastened to assure her, "And this is why I didn't want to talk to you about it."

Alexis took a calming breath, "No, I want you to feel free to talk to me about anything. I also want to know exactly what she did that turned you on so much because I am going to do it and do it better and knock every thought of her out of your head."

"If you insist," Snape allowed, "You will need some feathers, a g-string, pasties and whipped cream."

Alexis had nodded up until the whipped cream. But she couldn't say anything because she wasn't supposed to have been there.

Snape helped by transfiguring some things into feathers while Alexis fixed up the rest of the outfit. Slinky, the house elf, was able to provide them with a large bowl of whipped cream.

"What are we going to do for music?" Alexis asked.

"Just improvise," he instructed.

"How?"

"You know just hum?"

"You want me to hum stripper music?" Alexis was incredulous.

"Unless you have a better suggestion?" Snape smirked.

"How about you hum and I dance?" Alexis tried.

Snape appeared to think about it for a minute, "That would be entirely too distracting. If you don't want to try it I understand. The red bird is a hard act to follow."

"Humph! I'll show you an act you won't soon forget. Sit down, shut up, and watch this," Alexis commanded as she shoved Snape onto the sofa.

She disappeared into the bedroom and came out a few minutes later wearing the transfigured bird costume. She was humming and singing, "Bah, bah, bah, bump, ditty, bump," as she strutted into the room with hips swinging and feathers swaying.

Snape sat back to watch the show. Alexis stopped in front of him with a shimmy and began to move and dip so that interesting bits of her anatomy would flash into view through the feathers. Snape yawned. Alexis stopped abruptly, "What?"

"Well," Snape voice was as apologetic as it got, meaning not very, "don't you think that's a bit overdone? I mean what the red bird did was much more original."

Alexis had murder in her eyes as she started singing and humming and dancing again. This time she was flashing a lot more than a view of her body and Snape was having a hard time not showing any response. A very hard time.

Alexis was getting desperate. She was trying to remember what Amber had done that might have caught and held Snape's attention so much. She tried the high kick and twirl that Amber had done and grinned as Snape leaned forward.

Her grin quickly turned to a scowl as Snape picked up a magazine off the floor and began to leaf through it. "Severus," she was surprised to hear the note of pleading in her voice.

"Oh, sorry dear, weren't you finished?" Snape asked.

"I want to know what Amber did that you found so enticing. Then I am going to do it and do it better until you say Amber who?" Alexis had walked up until and leaned over until she was inches away from his face. Bad move. Snape reached out and grabbed her and pulled her into his lap.

"What's this about Amber?" he inquired with a wicked smirk.

"Did I say Amber? I meant ambidextrously do…oh shite, you know don't you?" Alexis was pouting.

"Know what? Is there something you want to confess… I mean tell me?" Snape sneered.

"Shut up you great git," Alexis leaned back against his chest with her arms crossed and blew a feather out of her face, "How long have you known?"

"Since you crawled onto my lap that night," Snape embellished with a straight face.

"Liar," Alexis accused. "You suspected but then we threw you off the scent with the dancer doubles," Alexis stated.

"Let's just say a little bird told me," Snape nuzzled her neck. "Now, how are you going to make this up to me?"

"What do I have to make up to you?" Alexis asked indignantly.

"Do you want it in alphabetical order or by order of importance?" Snape asked studiously.

"That much?" Alexis grinned back at him. At his slow nod of agreement, "What do you have in mind?" She twisted on his lap so that now she was straddling him, "How about a real lap dance? Since you already paid for one?"

Snape leered, "That will be a good place to start." '_And_,' he thought, '_Halloween is coming up and that is when I will teach you not to prank a snake_.'

Remus returned home with a large box of Honeydukes chocolates and a big bunch of wild flowers he had picked along the road.

Amber was sitting on the sofa trying to knit a baby blanket when he got in. Handing her the flowers and the candy he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Remus this is so sweet. What is the occasion?" Amber smiled as she got up to put the flowers in water.

"Oh, no reason, just to say thank you for putting up with me," Remus flushed guiltily.

"What do you mean put up with you?" Amber came back and put the vase with the flowers on the coffee table, "What have you done?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing dear," Remus stuttered.

"Look wolf boy, you better 'fess up and 'fess up now. Whatever it is, it cannot be as bad as what I would imagine," Amber was now standing toe to toe with Remus.

"Promise you won't get mad," Remus tried to bargain.

"It depends on what it is as to how mad I'll get. Now spill," Amber demanded.

"Well, the other night when I said the dancing girls were disappointing, I lied," Remus said in a rush.

"That's not so bad," Amber relaxed and began to open her box of chocolate.

"Yes, well there was one dancer who really was amazing. I couldn't believe some of the stuff she could do," Remus leered.

Amber grinned, "Tell me about it, maybe I can duplicate it for you. Only since you seemed to enjoy it so much," she quickly added.

"She did this twirly thing and then she bent her body in the most amazing ways," Remus watched the secret smile on Amber's face and went in for the kill, "and those green and silver feathers just seemed to beckon and… it is just hard to explain."

Amber stopped with a candy half way to her mouth, "Green feathers?"

"Yes, Snape had one in red feathers come and do a dance just for me and she was okay. Kind of average, you know nothing to write home about. But the one in green feathers, man she was something else. Snape paid her extra for a lap dance and all I could do was imagine it was me sitting there with that gorgeous creature in my lap."

"Really?" Amber bit viciously into the candy she held as if it were the head of a green bird.

"Yes, she was…words fail me," Remus was laying it on thick now, "I mean she had a body made for sin and moves that would make a stick stand up and take notice. Not that there is anything wrong with your body," Remus leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, "after all you are a healer not a professional dancer: and you're pregnant."

Amber flopped down in a chair and scowled at Remus, "Are you saying that she has a better body than mine?"

"No not at all," Remus hastened to reassure her, "just a different body. You know more toned and muscular and maybe a little bigger in certain areas."

"Where, her ass?" Amber asked nastily.

"No, not her ass, well…her top," Remus closed his eyes and smiled as if he were remembering.

"You think she has bigger breasts than I do?" Amber asked indignantly.

"Well, yes dear, I do," Remus said apologetically, "I went back to see if I could get her to give me a lap dance, but she had already left for the night."

"You did what?" Amber's eyes were blazing.

Remus replied hesitantly, "I went back," gulping audibly, "but she was gone," he hastened to add.

"Of course she was gone, she was with me you nimrod and I'll have you know that Alexis and I are exactly the same size," Amber continued, "In fact we wear the same bra size, and I fill it up a little bit better. So there, I'm bigger than she is."

"What does this have to do with Alexis?" Remus asked silkily.

Amber looked up with the deer in the headlights look and she took a big bite of chocolate and shrugged as if she had no idea what he was talking about.

Remus approached the chair she sat in and leaned over placing one hand on each arm, effectively trapping her, "What does this have to do with Alexis?" he asked again.

"She was the bitch in the green feathers. Happy now! And what do you mean the red bird was just adequate. I would like to see Alexis try that back flip and end up in a split while being pregnant."

Remus kissed her on the nose, "The red bird was much sexier and a much better dancer than the green bird. In fact I don't even remember what the green bird did that night I was so busy focusing on the red bird."

Amber gave him a cross look, "Really?"

"Really, and if you and Alexis ever pull anything like that again, Severus and I are going to take turns giving you and Alexis the paddling you both deserve."

"Kinky," Amber teased and then turned serious. "If you and Severus every go to another strip club or have dancing girls come out of a cake again, Alexis and I are going to take turns hexing certain important parts of your and Severus' bodies."

Remus winced, "As long as you and Alexis agree no more male strippers?"

"Deal," Amber grinned, "Now how should we seal this deal?"

Remus scooped her and the chocolate up in his arms and headed to the bedroom, "I have a few ideas."


	8. Sex Ed

Disclaimer: See previous chapters 'cause I still don't own it.

AN: Special thanks to Midnight Lily and Steve2 for all their input and editing and proofing on this chapter and the story.

**Chapter 8 Accentuate the Positive**

**"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." -- Jessica Alba**

Alexis and Snape had just returned from the start of term staff meeting. Snape was snickering and smirking at her the whole way back to his office. Finally Alexis had had enough, "What is so amusing?" she asked exasperated.

"Dumbledore really got you this time," he smirked at her.

"What are you talking about?"

"You agreed to be responsible for the first years," Snape was sniggering.

"Yes I did," she snapped back at him not liking the feeling of being the butt of some joke of which she didn't know the punch line.

"You should have asked what all that entails," he informed her.

"I did," she said indignantly.

"Ahhh, but you didn't ask him to clarify 'and a few other things' now did you?" he admonished.

"What did I agree to do?" Alexis asked him beginning to get nervous.

"One of the 'other things' is to teach a sex education class," Snape told her with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

"_What?_" Alexis asked surprised, "Who usually teaches that class?"

"The heads of house take it in turn," he told her smirking.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" she accused.

"Because this year it would have been my turn," Snape sniggered again, "and I felt you would do a much better job than any of the others." He shook his head, "Minerva gives such a technical lecture that most of the children leave without a clue as to what sex is about but a very good vocabulary of the Latin names for the anatomy involved. Flitwick's lecture is couched in such ambiguous terms that the students don't even realize that they have had a sex education class. And finally Pomona's lesson involves stamens and pistols and the poor kids feel like it has been just another Herbology lesson."

"And how do your lectures go?" Alexis asked archly.

"They are technically correct," Snape replied stiffly.

Alexis grinned at him, "You give them a book to read."

Snape humphed and refused to answer.

As they entered their quarters Slinky came out of the nursery fussing at Star who was fluttering in his hands, "Missus Snape's dragon lizard not supposed to be in the babies' cribs. Missus not like that at all, you stay in here," as Star hissed at the house elf, Slinky replied, "And none of that bad language. Slinky not let you teach young masters such words." The not-so-tiny reptile hung its head. "Slinky will let you sit on the crib rail when he changes the young masters next time," Star's head lifted at the promise of that treat.

"Slinky, how are the boys?" Snape asked.

"Master Snape, sir, the young masters are good. Young masters slept the whole time sir and missus was gone," Slinky bowed to Snape and released Star. Alexis petted the dragon lizard that settled on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Slinky. Professor Dumbledore has agreed that you will be assigned to our quarters exclusively from now on to help care for the boys now that classes are due to start," Snape informed him.

Slinky bowed again, "Slinky is happy to care for the young masters."

"That is all for now," Snape dismissed the elf and Slinky disappeared with a pop.

"So, what book did you use?" Alexis asked.

Snape went over to a bookshelf and pulled out a thin book and handed it to Alexis. She looked from the book to Snape and then back to the book. Turning it over she looked at the picture of the author on the back and then again looked at Snape, "Please tell me that you did not use a Gilderoy Lockhart book to teach sex education?"

"What? It is a good book," Snape defended his choice.

"So You Want To Know About Sex: A Complete Guide to Sexual Intercourse By the Five Time Winner of _Witch Weekly's _Most-Charming-Smile Award," Alexis read the title of the book aloud. "Have you even read the book?"

"Why would I need to read the book? I know all about sex," Snape declared before heading into the nursery to check on the twins.

"That he most certainly does," Alexis murmured under her breath as she began flipping through the pages of the book. Alexis was wondering if she would trick… no, talk… Amber into helping her with the class or at least the curriculum. After all, Amber as a trained healer, should know all about this stuff.

Later that afternoon Alexis had returned from a meeting with Dumbledore. She had tried to warn him about Moody, but he had refused to let her say anything. His theory was that to try to change the future could only result in something worse happening, if you could even in fact change it.

Alexis was pacing back and forth muttering to herself, "Irritating old coot,"

"You really shouldn't talk about your husband that way," Amber teased. "After all, he isn't all that old," she said as Snape walked in.

Snape shot her a bored look before asking Alexis, "I take it your meeting with Albus was unproductive."

"It depends on what you mean by productive," Alexis fumed. "He carefully listened to all my arguments, told me no and then put a charm on me so that I couldn't tell anyone even if I wanted to."

Amber looked between the two, "Do I even want to know what you are talking about?"

Alexis opened her mouth but nothing would come out. Snape replied, "It is school business that we are not at liberty to discuss."

"I'm sorry, Amber, I shouldn't have even mentioned it in front of you," Alexis apologized.

"No problem. Now Severus said you wanted my help with something?" Amber replied with a grin.

Snape snorted as he went to see his sons. Alexis gave him a warning look, "Yes, friend, pal, confidante..." she was interrupted as Remus came in.

"Partner in crime," he added as he went over and hugged Amber from behind, resting his hands on her stomach, "How is my baby today?"

Amber reached back and kissed his cheek, "I'm fine."

"That's good, but I was talking to my other baby," Remus nuzzled her neck.

Alexis asked, "If I could continue since I was so rudely interrupted?"

"What are you two plotting now?" Remus asked suspiciously as Snape came out of the nursery carrying the twins. Remus went over and took Nathair from Snape.

Snape smirked, "Alexis has to teach the first years sex education."

Remus laughed, "Do you remember our sex education class?" he asked Snape.

Snape shuddered, "I've been trying to forget it."

Amber and Alexis looked at them expectantly. "No, absolutely not, I refuse to discuss that class," Snape sneered.

Remus laughed harder, "I forgot about that," he had a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Not another word, Lupin, or this child will be the first and last that you will ever father," Snape threatened.

Remus just shook his head at the two witches, "Amber, would you really want me to risk our future progeny?"

"It depends on how funny the story is," Alexis answered for her; Amber slapped her arm in protest.

"Hey, you might not care about Remus' ability to function, but I do." She whispered in an aside, "Plus I can weasel it out of him later when we are alone."

"I heard that," Snape snarled.

"Don't worry, Severus," Remus said, "I won't break. No matter what pressure she might bring to bear."

"I never knew you were such a drama queen, Lupin," Snape sneered.

"If you are going to be insulting…" Remus said indignantly.

"Now boys, play nice," Alexis snickered with a wink at Amber that silently conveyed that whatever one was able to learn, she would tell the other.

Amber nodded her understanding, "Now what did you want to ask me, Alexis?"

Alexis had to think for a moment because the conversation had gotten so off track, "I need help with the sex ed class I have to teach."

Remus came up and bumped her on the arm, "Does wittle Alexis need Amber to give her The Talk? I would think that considering whom I am holding, you would already know where babies come from."

Alexis ignored him, "Well, what do you think?"

Amber looked at her cautiously, "Exactly what type of help do you need from me?"

"Oh just with the course material," Alexis said casually, "after all you are a trained healer."

"So all you want is for me to help you set up the lecture material?" Amber was smart enough to get everything spelled out before making any type of commitment.

"Yes," Alexis said truthfully, and then added in a rush, "and for you to come in and help me give the lecture."

Amber looked at her as if she had grown another head, "You want me to help you teach the class?"

"Yes," Alexis said pleadingly.

"What's in it for me?"

"My undying love, gratitude and friendship?" Alexis offered.

"I already have all of that," Amber replied. "What else do you have?"

"The warm glow of knowing you did a wonderful favor for your bestest friend?"

Amber thought about that for a moment, "Nope, what else?"

"I'll really owe you big?" Alexis finally offered.

"That is kind of ambiguous. How about you owe me one really big favor and three little ones?" Amber bargained.

Alexis gave her a considering look before finally holding out her hand, "Deal."

Amber shook the proffered hand, "Okay, let's get started then. Boys, why don't you order us some dinner?" this last to Snape and Remus.

Remus looked at Snape, "Do you find it strange that someone who is younger than we are refers to us as boys?"

Snape just glared at him as he went to the hearth and called for Slinky.

After dinner Alexis and Amber settled down with Snape's Lockhart book and a supply of parchment and quills.

"We need to discuss the basic mechanics, responsibility and protection," Alexis wrote down as Amber nodded flipping the pages.

Amber stopped at one and started laughing. "What?" Alexis tried to take the book from her but Amber held it out of reach.

"Listen to this: 'A man's maleness will swell and engorge if properly stimulated. Once it has reached full size, on average four to five inches,'" Amber stopped reading. "Four to five inches?" she looked at Alexis.

Alexis shrugged, "Well it is a book for young boys."

"No it's not," Snape called from where he and Remus were explaining the finer points of Quidditch to the twins who were sleepily staring at the two men.

"Don't you think they are a little young for all of that?" Alexis asked.

"You can never start too early instilling a proper appreciation of this sport," Remus replied pompously.

Alexis and Amber just rolled their eyes before turning back to the task at hand. "Four or five inches?" Amber repeated shaking her head before continuing to read from the book, "'…it will be ready to be sheathed in the feminine core of his partner.'"

Alexis interrupted, "Did we miss the part about preparing your partner and foreplay?"

Amber flipped through the book, "Nope. Apparently the sight of his four to five inches is supposed to be all that her feminine core needs to be properly prepared for the sheathing."

"Severus Snape, I cannot believe you gave this rot to a bunch of impressionable eleven year old," Alexis said trying not to fall off the couch laughing.

"It came highly recommended," he defended his choice.

"If you follow this book that will be the only thing that comes," Alexis muttered. Amber slapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

"I didn't catch that," Snape hissed.

"Because I didn't throw it hard enough," Alexis blew him a kiss before turning back to Amber. "I think we should just toss that load of dragon dung and start with the basics."

Amber nodded and dropped the book causing Lockhart's picture on the back to shake an outraged fist at the two women. Ignoring the photo, Amber asked, "What exactly are the basics?"

"You know, anatomy, the woman's reproductive cycle, sperm, egg. Those basics," Alexis replied.

Amber picked up her quill and pretended to write, "Anatomy: Tallywhacker, bits, manroot, maleness…" Alexis shoved her, laughing.

"I think we can be a tad more scientific about it," Alexis scolded. "The correct healer terms would be more appropriate."

"Those are the correct healer terms," Amber said indignantly. "You don't believe me, you just come by sometime during Quidditch season. You would think all those professional players would remember to use a preventive potion so they wouldn't get jock itch." Amber shook her head at the vagaries of professional sports figures, "I can better understand the beaters not remembering, one too many bludgers to the head, but the seekers and chasers," she trailed off as she noticed Alexis' look of stunned amusement. "But I digress. I have an old anatomy text I'll bring by and we can use it for that portion of the lecture."

Alexis nodded, "That should take care of the anatomy and the egg, sperm details. Then we would do the responsibility speech and then, in line with that, contraceptives. Do you think we should work with Professor Engvall?" At Amber's questioning look, "The Muggle studies professor. We could incorporate Muggle contraceptives as well."

The ladies turned at Snape's snort. "What now?" Alexis asked him impatiently.

"Wilhelmina Engvall should be wearing a sign around her neck saying 'I'm Stupid,'" Snape hissed. "That way people wouldn't expect anything from her."

Alexis looked at Remus who was nodding in agreement, "Remus Lupin, I never would have thought you would be agreeing with such a mean remark."

Remus didn't even look embarrassed, "Have you had many dealings with her?" when Alexis shook her head in denial, Remus continued. "Severus isn't being mean, he is being truthful. The light in that woman's eyes is the sun shining through the hole in the back of her head. If you spend more that five minutes with her your I.Q. starts to drop."

Exchanging a look, Alexis scratched Muggle contraceptives off the list. Walking over to the bookshelf, Alexis pulled a potions book and a charms book off of the shelf and returned to sit next to Amber on the couch handing her the potions book before opening the charms book, "Here's one, 'The Shooting Blanks charm.'"

"Give me that," Amber grabbed the book. "That is 'The Temporary Vasectomy Charm,'" she said disgustedly as she handed Alexis the book back.

"Yeah, if you do that charm you are shooting blanks," Alexis grinned.

Amber tilted her head to one side considering, "I never thought of it that way. Severus, do you ever teach the Conceivetacus potion?" Amber asked.

Snape looked up, "Never."

"Why not, it looks like a fairly simple potion to prepare?" Amber was confused.

"Yes, the Conceive----tacus potion is," Snape stressed. "You use it to help conceive children. I think you want the Contraceptivius potion which prevents conceiving."

"Yes, a very important distinction," Amber flushed. "I specialize in magical bites not pregnancy and fertility," she said defensively.

Alexis asked Amber, "Have you ever used the Condomonius Charm?"

Remus replied, "Most men don't like to use that one." As they glared at him, "Well, they don't. It doesn't feel the same and it decreases sensitivity."

Amber looked up from the potions book, "Here's a 'Mortem Sperma Potion.'"

"What does it do?" Alexis asked as she wrote it down on the parchment.

"It kills the sperm," Amber replied, "so that it cannot fertilize the egg."

Both Remus and Snape winced at that and shifted in their chairs.

"What about this one? It is a 'Diaphramus Charm.' It works sort of like the Condomonius Charm, but inside the woman instead of outside the man. It has to be renewed every six hours though," Alexis read.

"That's not so bad," Amber said, "write it down. Now, how detailed are we going to get?"

"What do you mean?" Alexis looked up from her notes.

"Are we going to teach them about marital aid charms?"

"Since none of them are married at eleven, I don't think we would need to do that," Alexis said.

Amber gave her a look, "That is just what they are called. You don't have to be married to utilize them."

Alexis gave her a blank look.

"You know, they are also for single girls, a Macc," Amber hissed trying to make sure Remus and Snape weren't listening.

"A Mack? What on earth are you talking about?" Alexis was totally confused now.

"Not Mack, M-A-C-C: Magically Activated Climax Charm," Amber whispered.

"Ohhh," the light bulb went off, "Muggles call them Bobs," at Amber's questioning look, "Battery Operated Boyfriend," Alexis elaborated.

"What's a battery?"

It was the first day of classes and the rumor mill was already in full swing. Fred and George came hurrying into the Great Hall at lunchtime and sat down next to Harry and Ron, "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" Ron asked around a mouthful of food. Hermione, who was sitting across from him, averted her eyes from the disgusting sight.

"Alexis is going to be teaching sex ed this year," Fred responded.

Lee Jordan settled down across from them, "I heard that a friend of hers is going to be helping her teach the class."

"I wonder if it is going to be the friend that we escorted from the gate to the castle last year?" George grinned at Fred.

"She was hot," Fred agreed. "I wonder if we can sign up for remedial sex ed?"

"What do you mean remedial sex ed?" Harry asked, "When do you take that class?"

"First year," Lee replied.

"First year," Harry was indignant. "I didn't take a sex ed class first year. I would have remembered that."

"Yes you did," Hermione told him.

"When?" Harry and Ron asked in unison.

"It was the week after flying lessons started. The girls had theirs the week before the flying lessons and the boys the week after. Professor Sprout taught it," Hermione sighed.

"That was sex ed?" Harry exclaimed, "I thought we were just having a special Herbology class."

By dinnertime, everyone knew that Alexis Snape was teaching the first years' sex education class. The only ones not truly interested in the matter were the first years.

Dumbledore stood up at the start of dinner and made the following announcement, "I have been approached by a delegation of students representing all four houses with the request that a course be offered to second years and above in Health Studies. It would be a refresher course and an expansion on the course taught to first years. After careful consideration I have decided to allow this course. I had requested Madame Pomfrey and Professor Flitwick," a couple of "No's!" were quickly stifled by students, "teach the course; however, they declined the honor of this position. So, I have decided that as Madame Snape is handling the course for the first years, she can expand her material and also teach the new course. Sign up sheets will be available in each common room. Class times and dates will be provided to those who sign up. Now, on with our supper," Dumbledore sat down to thunderous applause.

Fred and George Weasley were raising their fists in victory. They had led the move to get the new course added for this year. Ron looked up at the head table, "Snape doesn't look too happy about this."

"Alexis won't mind," Fred assured his brother.

"It's not Alexis I'm talking about," Ron said. "Snape is so mad he is shaking."

Everyone in the vicinity turned to stare at the head table. Ron was right. Snape face was its usual frozen mask of derision, but as he lifted his goblet to take a drink, they could see a slight tremor, only visible because of the movement of the contents in the glass. What would be barely noticeable in anyone else was a glaring and frightening display of temper for Snape.

"What can he do?" George shrugged. "Dumbledore has already announced the class and who is teaching it."

They had been so focused on Snape that no one had noticed Alexis enter the Great Hall until she leaned down to tell them, "What can he do, Forge? He can be the teacher's assistant for the class. Have a pleasant evening," she smirked as she strolled up to the head table, leaving behind a group of stunned faces.

As soon as decorum would allow, Snape excused himself from the table. Making his way stiffly from the hall, it was apparent that he was exercising a firm control not to reveal how he truly felt about his wife teaching the new class.

"You don't think he knows which students asked Dumbledore for the class, do you?" Neville Longbottom asked nervously.

Alexis was in the bedroom when she heard Snape come in. She rushed out at the horrible choking sound that seemed to be coming from the other room, afraid that maybe he had been attacked in the hallways. Nothing good could come from such sounds being made. She looked around desperately for her husband and finally found him collapsed on the couch, bent double and holding his sides as if he were in great pain.

"Severus, hold on, I am coming. We'll get you to Poppy and she will be able to…" Alexis abruptly stopped talking as Snape sat up. He wasn't in pain. He was laughing his ass off.

Alexis stamped her foot in a childish display of temper, "Severus Snape, if you ever scare me like that again, I'll… I don't know what I'll do but I know you won't like it."

Snape had regained control of himself enough to sit up straight and resume his more normal sneer, "If what Albus told me is correct, you will be teaching sex ed to all of the male students of Hogwarts," he had controlled the laughter and was now just snickering at her.

"You knew about this?" Alexis asked him incensed.

"Yes," he smirked.

Alexis flopped down beside him, "There is no way I am going to be able to talk Amber into teaching all those classes with me," she watched Snape out of the corner of her eye, "I guess I'll just have to be alone, the only female in a room full of hormonal males teaching them all about sex," Alexis sighed.

Snape's smirk was history as he gave her a glare, "I don't think so. If Amber cannot assist you, then the class will have to be cancelled."

"Either that or you can assist me in teaching it," Alexis smiled with saccharine sweetness.

Snape's look should have frozen her to the spot. However, Alexis was made of sterner stuff and just returned his glare with a small smirk.

Snape replied icily, "I will owl Amber tonight and explain the particulars to her. I can almost assure her cooperation."

"Snape, what do you have planned?" Alexis asked suspiciously.

"Just know that I will not be assisting you with that class," Snape smirked.

"Nothing too wicked," Alexis admonished, "after all she is our friend and the godmother of one of our sons."

Snape's smirk did little to reassure Alexis.

Alexis had been surprised when Amber showed up to help her get ready for the new class. When asked what Snape had used to get her to agree to it, she had smiled and said, "Chocolate flavored pre-natal potion and a flavorless anti-morning sickness potion."

Alexis had made a mental note to get Snape for that one. He had told her that he couldn't make it chocolate flavored.

Alexis and Amber stared in disbelief at the sign up sheets. It seemed Snape had been correct and every boy in every house from third year on up had signed up for the class. Only a few second years had signed up, it seemed that they were still trying to recover from the class they had taken last year and had no desire to repeat the experience. No amount of persuasion on the parts of the older students could convince them that Alexis' class had to be very different. You could tell that someone had mentioned sex ed in front of a second year by their pale, clammy complexion and the haunted look in their eyes.

"Hey, do you see this here?" Amber asked Alexis.

Alexis looked over her shoulder as Amber began shuffling the sign up sheets pointing to names that were on all four of the house lists. "What were Fred and George thinking to sign up four times for the class? And who did they get to sign them up in Slytherin?" Amber said impressed in spite of herself.

"If you subtract George and Fred six times, we have about one hundred and thirty names here," Amber threw her hands in the air.

"Have the classes on Saturdays," Snape offered from where he was going over his class schedules, "that will weed out some of the miscreants."

"Great idea, Severus, have the classes on Saturdays, that will weed out the miscreants," Alexis said sarcastically later that week. "Now we have one hundred and sixty-nine students signed up." Looking over the revised sign up sheets, "It looks like the majority of the new students are females. We should be able to just have one ladies class," Alexis rubbed her forehead trying to remember what she might have done in her former life to have produced such bad karma.

There was that one time she had taught her four year old cousin the one hundred bottles of beer on the wall song right before his parents took him on a two day car trip. Or there was the time she had convinced her best friend's little sister that cauliflower was really rat brains: but, she had been punished by having to clean up after Susie had gotten sick all over the dining room table. It couldn't have been the time she put kool-aid in the showerheads of the girl's locker room at school right before the cheerleaders finished their dance practice. The only thing she could think of that she might have done when she was still Alicia, that would generate enough bad karma that she was having to teach sex ed to teen boys was helping put skunk stink in the heating vents of her best friend's ex-husband's house, and saturating his air filter with it. Unless, it was smearing tuna fish on the back of the drawer where his girlfriend kept her underwear; but, that was justice, not just revenge and it really didn't matter because she was stuck teaching the class anyway.

"What's this about more students signing up for the class?" Amber asked as she came into the room.

"Most of them are girls, so I think we can just add one class for all the girls and teach them at the same time," Alexis sighed.

Amber got a wicked grin on her face, "You know, the guys have escaped from all of this remarkably unscathed."

"Hmmm, now that you mention it, Severus was supposed to be teaching the first years this term. What do you have in mind?" Alexis asked.

"How about we tell our guys we want to run the older students' lessons by them?" Amber

asked.

"That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea," Alexis was tired and had been worried about the class, so she should be forgiven for being a little slow on the uptake.

"Yes, but the lessons we give them won't be suitable for student consumption," Amber leered.

"OH!" Alexis replied as the light bulb went off.

Dumbledore had assigned Alexis her own office. Snape had insisted that it be near his and the castle had obliged by putting her office one floor up and directly above his. After Snape had expressed his displeasure with this arrangement, a stairway was added connecting the two offices.

Alexis had managed to avoid Moody for the entire first week of school. Her luck ran out though when he showed up in her office one afternoon.

"Alexis Draluck, youngest Auror to be accepted into Auror training, receiver of numerous citations for bravery, and nominated for the Star of Circe. I cannot believe that you willingly married Severus Snape. What were you thinking?" Moody berated her, leaning over her desk to where she was sitting.

Alexis leveled a cold look in his direction, "Thank you for the history lesson, Professor Moody, however, I was under the impression that you taught Defense."

"Surely, you remember being an Auror and us working together?" Moody shouted.

"Two things: one, I don't remember much of anything prior to waking in the hospital last year," Alexis replied with a snarl, standing up to better glare at him. "And second, don't call me Shirley."

Moody looked completely dumbfounded, "I didn't call you Shirley."

"Since you found your way here, I believe you can also find your way out," Alexis said pointedly.

"I don't know what type of spell that snake has you under, but this isn't finished. Not by a long shot. I'm keeping my eye on you and Snape. Dumbledore may trust him, but I don't." Moody turned and clumped out of the room.

Snape came in just in time to hear the last bit of conversation. Alexis looked up at him and became concerned, he was even paler than usual, "Severus, what is wrong?"

"Alexis, I just came from an appointment with Madame Pomfrey and she recommended that we abstain while Moo… I mean, until I am completely healed," Snape told her with a straight face.

"Healed from what?" Alexis asked running careful hands over him trying to find out where he was hurt.

Snape bit back a groan as her hands skimmed the front of his trousers, and then had to close his eyes because she had stopped with her hands brushing his fly, "Severus, what did you do to Sergeant Slytherin Snake?" There was very real concern in her eyes.

Snape saw a way out, "Just a muscle pull."

"Oh you poor baby," Alexis said her hands fluttering nervously above what she thought was the injured area, "What can I do for you?"

Only the thought that Moody might possibly even now be observing them made Snape say, "Just a few months of rest and abstaining should put everything right."

Alexis took a step back, "A few months for a pulled muscle? Severus is there something you are not telling me? Are you seriously injured in some way and don't want to worry me? Is there another woman!"

Snape watched as Alexis managed to wind herself up. It was actually a fascinating process. However, when she started demanding the names of the women he was going to replace her with and threatening to move in with Minerva and take the boys with her, enough was enough, "Alexis Draluck Snape, stop," his quietly spoken command had her biting her lip in consternation.

"Severus, just tell me what is bothering you," Alexis settled into her chair behind her desk.

Snape pulled her up, took her seat, and then pulled her back into his lap, "Muscle pull?" she asked with a smirk.

Snape ignored that, "How much do you know about Moody and what his magic eye can do?"

Alexis found that she couldn't say anything. The charm Dumbledore had put on her kept her from responding.

Snape didn't seem to notice, "His eye can see through almost anything, even into our quarters."

Alexis looked at him indignantly, "So you are going to cut me off because you are afraid he is going to get his jollies by watching us?"

"I don't believe I would have put it that way," Snape replied. Alexis made a move to get off of his lap, "Where do you think you are going?"

"I'm going to take care of this problem right now," she replied wiggling in a most distracting manner.

"What are you going to do?" Snape replied trying to hold her still.

"I'm going to tell him that if even thinks about invading our privacy I'll invade him and," she made descriptive gestures with her hands that caused Snape to wince.

"If you tell him not to look that is only going to convince him that there is something to look for," Snape reasoned.

"Then you will put up wards to keep him from looking," Alexis nestled back into his arms.

Snape preened a bit at her confidence in his abilities. He decided to talk to Dumbledore about the wards, not wanting to admit to Alexis that he didn't know any strong enough to keep Moody out.

AN: "and don't call me Shirley" from the movie Airplane and "the light in her eyes" line in one of David Eddings books (too lazy to look up which one)


	9. Private Lessons and Flying High

Disclaimer: I still don't own it so you still don't sue.

**Chapter 9 **

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer   
--Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

Snape stormed through the hallways not even able to get his usual enjoyment out of watching the students scurry to get out of his path. Dumbledore had refused to put up privacy wards, insisting that Moody was too ethical to spy on a married couple. Snape knew that there was no way that he was going to be able to perform his husbandly duties if there was a chance that Moody might be looking in.

Just then he noticed Alexis in the hall talking to some of the students. She looked up as if she had felt his gaze on her and her eyes darkened before she sent him a smile that held a wealth of promise for later that night. That firmed his resolve, along with other things, and he decided to confront Moody. But later, right now he had to get to teach a class, in thirty minutes, but he did have to prepare for the class.

When he had completed everything that could possibly be completed, Snape headed to Moody's office. He arrived as Moody was leaving for dinner, "Professor, if you have a moment I require a word with you?" Snape said icily.

"What do you want, Snape? I was just leaving," Moody replied impatiently as his magical eyed roamed all over Snape, pausing briefly on his left arm.

"This will only take a moment," Snape stated determined to get this over defensively crossing his right arm over his left.

Moody gave him another look before stepping back into his office. Snape entered and closed the door behind him causing Moody to reach a hand into his robes and pull his wand out.

Snape looked at him impatiently, "What do you think you are going to do with that?"

"Constant Vigilance! You may have Dumbledore and Draluck fooled but you don't fool me. A snake doesn't change its stripes," Moody replied, before cracking the door open slightly.

"If you meant Alexis, her name is Snape now," Snape replied stiffly.

"I am going to figure out what spell you put her under to make her agree to marry someone like you," Moody growled at him, "and when I do, you will be back in Azkaban and this cursed marriage will be over."

Snape's eyes flashed and Moody actually took a half step back before he recovered, "What did you want?"

Snape paused before hissing, "My wife is concerned about our privacy. She would like your assurance that you will not invade our privacy."

Moody glared at him out of his one normal eye as his magic eye rolled around and down presumably looking into the dungeons, "What are you trying to hide?"

"Nothing," Snape replied, "I… she just doesn't want to worry that you may scan our quarters while we are," Snape paused to clear his throat nervously, "involved in activities," again he cleared his throat, "that married couples involve in."

"What type of activities? Do you have her involved in dark magic?" Moody asked.

"No," Snape stated vehemently, "We are married and we enjoy certain," Snape glanced away for a moment, "intimacies that we would not want to have on public display."

"What are you talking about?" Moody growled.

Snape was getting frustrated. "Use your imagination," he sneered.

"I am using my imagination, and I cannot think of anything good that you could be doing with Alexis that you would not be able to do in front of the public," Moody paused to take a swig out of his flask. "If you don't want people watching then it must be something to hide in the dark," he said suggestively.

"Well, actually, she likes to have the light on…" Snape replied before he thought.

"What are you talking about?" Moody asked. "Speak plainly, man," he demanded.

The door to the office swung open and Alexis stepped in, "You want plain, Moody? I don't think you can handle plain, but here goes," Alexis said with a cool level look. "We want to make sure that we can make wild, hot, passionate love without having to worry about you leering, I mean _peering_ in at us."

Moody stared at Alexis and then looked at Snape before flushing red, "I would… why… would… never…" Moody sat into his chair behind his desk looking flustered, "I would never do something like that," he managed to creek out after a moment.

"See that you don't," Alexis stepped up until she was looming over the seated man. "Because if I get even a hint or a passing thought that you might even have considered looking into our quarters," Alexis gave him a long assessing look from his head to his toes, "let's just say that no matter how vigilant you are… I will find a way to make sure you regret it." Turning to take Snape's hand, "Darling, let us retire to dinner."

Snape mutely walked with her out of the office. On the way to the Great Hall he kept casting sidelong looks at her, "What?" she asked with a small smirk playing around her lips.

"Nothing, dear," coming to a stop he looked up and down the corridor before pulling her behind a large statue of Clothide the Clever and giving her a long passionate kiss.

When she caught her breath, "What was that for? Not that I am complaining, but I want to know for future reference, just in case I want to do it again."

"You are incredibly sexy when you are threatening someone," Snape smirked before returning to their interrupted journey to dinner.

Later that evening, Alexis looked up from her notes, "Severus, would you help me with something?"

"It depends on what it is," he said from where he was grading papers.

"I've never taught a class. Will you listen to my portion of the lecture and let me know what you think?"

"All I have to do is listen?"

"And watch me," Alexis clarified, "I don't want to come across as nervous or unsure."

"Very well, when would you like to do this?"

"Do you have time tonight? We will be teaching the first upper class this Saturday and if there is anything I need to work on I would like to have the extra time," Alexis explained.

Snape nodded briefly, "Can you give me a minute to finish these papers?"

"Of course, I'll just get everything ready while you finish up," Alexis rose and walking over kissed his head before heading into the bedroom. A few minutes later, Snape called out that he was ready.

Alexis came in dressed in loose black robes fastened all the way to her chin and falling all the way to sweep the floor, her hair was scraped back into a severe bun and from somewhere she had obtained dark rimmed glasses. The look was austere: Snape nodded his approval.

Alexis began her lecture with a technical but understandable explanation of the male reproductive system. She had moved on to the female reproductive system when a trickle of sweat ran down her forehead. Pausing, she bloated it away and then unfastened the top two clasps on her robes before continuing. More sweat began to dew her brow, without pausing this time, Alexis finished unfastening her robes. Snape didn't say anything because she was wearing a cardigan and long wrap skirt that fell down to her ankles, the look was slightly less formal, but still modest. She had started discussing secondary sexual characteristics of the male body, when she finally just shrugged the robe off and tossed it on a chair.

When she moved on to female secondary sexual characteristics she unzipped and removed her cardigan and revealed a low cut tank top showing a good example of the anatomy she was currently discussing. Snape was frowning slightly.

While moving slowly to and fro, she started discussing the body's reaction to stimulation. Snape noticed that her skirt was cut so that every time she took a step, a good portion of her leg was revealed.

Snape had stopped paying attention to the lecture and was just watching as more and more of her leg was shown. The longer she walked, the more the slit slipped and the higher it went. When Alexis turned to retrieve something from the box she had brought in with her, Snape was able to return his attention to her lecture. She was discussing contraceptives. He nodded as she mentioned the standard charms and potions available to witches and wizards. Snape frowned again when she started talking about Muggle contraceptives. She had pulled out a small foil wrapped square. Describing how a condom worked she stressed that proper application of the condom to the penis was the key to the effective use of this method of Muggle birth control.

Snape was puzzled when she pulled a banana out of the box. Opening the package she began explaining how to properly apply one, "Use an unlubricated or flavored condom as lubricated or spermicide condoms taste awful, and put it in your mouth so that the reservoir tip is facing your throat. Then with your tongue take the reservoir tip and press it against the ridge behind your front teeth squeezing out any air," she demonstrated by placing the condom in her own mouth, "Next, place the condom on the end of a hard penis, if uncircumcised use your hands to pull foreskin back. With your lips, or ever so lightly with your teeth unroll condom over penis like so," Alexis demonstrated using the banana.

Snape was so shocked and frankly aroused that all he could do was stare. After Alexis had finished making the banana safe for sex, she began to discuss male masturbation. She demonstrated the proper method of handling a penis on the banana. Snape just sat there watching, until she began to discuss female masturbation and began to discuss stimulation of the nipples and manipulation of the clitoris.

"Enough," he roared, "there is no way that you are going to use this material."

"Too technical?" Alexis looked up at him.

"Too lewd!"

"What do you mean, Severus?" Alexis asked puzzled.

"The thing you did with the banana, and then discussing masturbation… what were you going to do next? Give them a demonstration?" Snape was incensed.

"Do you think I should?" Alexis asked with mock sincerity.

"No, of course I don't think…" Snape stopped and took a deep breath. Walking over to her he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Alexis was wiggling trying to get down.

"You must be punished," Snape intoned.

"For what, you big ape?" Alexis was trying to see if she could reach his arse to pinch it.

"For trying to corrupt the morals of a major?" he replied.

"Don't you mean minor?" she said just as she managed to pinch him.

Snape responded by bouncing her on his shoulder, knocking some of the breath out of her, "No, you were trying to corrupt my morals and I am not a minor."

"Glad you finally caught on," Alexis wheezed out, "I thought I was going to have to strip down completely before you figured it out."

Snape slapped her butt for that one causing her to rear up in protest, "Hey, that hurt," she tried to rub the offended area but couldn't reach it at the angle he had her at.

Reaching the bed, Snape tossed her on it, "You haven't perused anything yet?" he leered before crawling into her welcoming arms.

George and Fred cornered Alexis in the halls the next morning on her way to breakfast, "Madame Snape," George called.

"We hear," Fred said.

"From a little bird," George added.

"That you are having some difficulty," Fred stated with a grin.

"Mastering the fine art of Apparating," George finished.

"So we would like to offer you," Fred bowed.

"For only a nominal charge," George rubbed his hands together.

"Our services as flight instructors," Fred bowed again.

"You want to teach me to fly a broom?" Alexis asked.

"Yes," George smiled.

"That is the general idea," Fred grinned.

"I thought you liked me," Alexis accused.

"We do," they chorused looking confused.

"You want to put me on a thin twig and make it rise in the air, Merlin knows how high, so that I can plummet to my death? That sounds as if you hate me," Alexis was white.

"Not so, my dear Madame Snape," George patted her arm.

"Flying is very safe, in fact according to the school records you were a superb chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. We thought that it would be just a matter of reminding you what to do," Fred explained so concerned at Alexis' pallor that he and George stopped the twin speak routine.

Alexis was regaining some color. She patted their arms, "Thank you for the thought, boys, but I am going to pass."

Snape walked up and sneered at the Weasleys, "What are you passing on?"

"Fred and George offered to teach me to fly a broom," Alexis explained.

Snape looked at the two young men in front of him, "That actually is not a bad idea," as everyone looked at him in shock, "Not that these two walking pranks teach you, but that you learn. I will talk with Madame Hooch about giving you lessons." Snape took Alexis' arm and they headed into the Great Hall, ignoring her protests that she really didn't see why she should need to learn to fly.

Alexis found herself later that morning on the quad with Rolanda and a school broom. "Rolanda, I don't want to learn how to fly," Alexis was pleading.

"Nonsense, you were an excellent flyer. All you need to do is remind your muscles what to do," Rolanda assured her. "Now stand over the broom and say 'UP.'"

"Up," Alexis whispered.

"With force," Rolanda instructed, "and louder."

"Up," Alexis said barely above a whisper and jumped when the broom leaped into her hand, stinging her palm.

"Now, put a leg over it and when I blow my whistle kick off, hover for a moment, and then land," Rolanda said.

Alexis whimpered as she obeyed. The broom hovered for a moment before the front end slowly rose in the air and Alexis slid off the back to land with a thump on the ground.

"You have to hold it steady," Madame Hooch instructed, "now try again."

Alexis got up from the ground and brushed her bottom and then straightened her robes and tried to smooth her hair. "NOW!" Rolanda yelled causing Alexis to jump and give her a hurt look.

"Stop stalling."

Alexis got on the broom and hovered for a moment but before she could touch back down, the broom started forward a few feet. Alexis remember what had happened to Neville Longbottom, and she tried to jump off the broom only to have her robes catch on the handle. Before she could free herself, the broom started forward again and then started dragging her all over the quad.

Rolanda was trying to hit the broom with a spell to make it stop, but it was moving too erratically. Finally Alexis' robes ripped leaving her in a muddy heap on the ground.

Running over to her, Rolanda looked down at her, "Alexis, are you hurt?"

Alexis glared up at her, "If I'm not are you going to make me get on that thing again?"

"Well yes," Roland said, "When you fall off your broom you need to get right back up on it again."

"Then I am fatally injured and if you would just come back in about five minutes I should be gone," Alexis said solemnly.

Rolanda held out her hand, "I'm sure you would be gone, now get up and get back on that broom."

Alexis groaned as she allowed Hooch to pull her to her feet. Limping over to where the broom had finally stopped she went to kick the twigs, however before she could make contact the broom moved forward and she ended up flat on her back again.

Getting up, Alexis moved over beside the broom and stood next to it glaring. When it hadn't moved for a whole minute she went to swing her leg over it only to watch as it darted forward. She repeated this move several more times before giving up and leaping at the damn thing. She managed to grab the twigs and once again she was dragged all over the quad too stubborn to let go of the broom. The broom started to rise and Alexis' feet were soon dangling about five feet from the ground. There was an ominous cracking noise and Alexis closed her eyes as she felt the twigs she was clinging to start to bend and break.

Alexis was glad that the recent rain had left the ground soft as she lifted her mud covered face up out of the puddle she had landed in. Of course this time she had to land on her front. Looking over at Madame Hooch, Alexis was overjoyed to see that there was now a cluster of students assembled to bear witness to her humiliation.

Getting up and wringing muddy water out of her hair, Alexis stumped over to Rolanda who was standing next to the cursed broom which was hovering perfectly still at exactly the right height to be mounted. Grabbing the broom she handed it to Alexis, "Hurry up, I decided to combine your lesson with tutoring some of the students."

"Ain't that just peachy," Alexis gritted out as she tried to wipe the mud off of her face.

Madame Hooch had everyone line up to the left of their brooms, "Now this is a mixed bag. Some of you are having difficulties mastering your brooms while others of you have asked me to help you with specific problems you are experiencing and the rest of you want me to teach you more advanced flying moves." She was pacing up and down the line of students, "As I give you your instructions, you may practice carrying them out, while I move on to instruct the next student. By the time I have finished with the last student, it will be time for the first to return and get further instructions or corrections. Any questions? Good."

Alexis looked up as a snowy white handkerchief was held out to her. Looking over at the Good Samaritan, she saw it was Hermione Granger, "Thanks," wiping her face, "I'll replace this for you as soon as I can."

"That's ok," Hermione smiled nervously her eyes on Madame Hooch getting closer and closer.

Alexis could hear Hermione muttering, "I hate to fly. Why do you have to pass this class in order to graduate? Deep breaths. You can do this; you have read every book in the library on the theory of flight."

"Hermione, you are going to do fine," Alexis said encouragingly.

Looking her over, Hermione didn't look reassured, "How long have you been flying?"

"Too long," was Alexis' fervent reply which she hastily amended at Hermione's horrified look, "I haven't flown since I recovered last year. What I meant was too long today," she finished explaining.

Just then Rolanda arrived to instruct them, "Ladies, I want the two of you to practice getting on your brooms, hovering, moving forward about twenty feet and then touching back down."

Before they could respond she was hurrying to tell off a couple of third years who were racing each straight up into the sky.

"Hermione, why don't you go first," Alexis generously offered.

"Oh, I couldn't do that, Madame Snape, it wouldn't be respectful," Hermione was unusually quick on her feet today.

Alexis tried to stare Hermione down, but fear of flying was stronger than fear of a teacher and Hermione wasn't budging.

"_Today_ Mrs. Snape and Miss Granger!" Hooch shouted at them from across the field.

"Together?" Alexis offered. Hermione nodded briefly and they both looked at their brooms with deep-seated suspicion.

"Up," they chorused. They exchanged a cautious grin as the brooms obediently slapped into their palms. Mounting the brooms they hovered for a moment and then touched back down. Pleased with their success Hermione said, "Now let's see about flying forward twenty feet."

Alexis nodded with grim determination not to let a bundle of twigs and wood get the best of her. Just as before, the brooms behaved perfectly. Alexis and Hermione were now hovering twenty feet away from where they had started. Alexis was starting to feel a little more at ease, grinning over at Hermione, she said, "Hey this is a piece of cake," just before her broom took off like a rocket.

Hermione desperately tried to get her broom to land, but it wouldn't respond. Hermione decided to jump off since she wasn't that high up, just as Alexis speed by on her out of control broom. Hermione's broom seemed to take this as some sort of challenge and with a strange hiccupping lurch it too took off.

Several of the students stopped what they were doing to stare in amazement as Madame Snape and Hermione Granger competed in some form of aerial follow the leader. They gasped in awe as Alexis executed a perfect barrel roll and clapped for Hermione as she exactly duplicated the tricky move.

When Alexis started doing loop-de-loops fifty feet in the air and Hermione followed right behind her, the cheers of encouragement were deafening. Madame Hooch looked up to see what all the fuss was about and stared in horror as Alexis began to fly upside down in a complicated pattern over and around the Quidditch goals at one end of the field and Hermione mirrored her at the opposing end.

Suddenly the two brooms shot off faster than any school broom had moved in recent memory. They were headed straight for a head on collision. It was happening too fast for anyone to do anything; everyone was staring in stunned silence. At the last possible moment, Alexis leaned so that she was flying with her right side parallel to the ground and Hermione leaned so that her left side was parallel to the ground and they passed each other with only centimeters to spare. The audience gasped in amazement before starting to yell, "AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!"

The brooms turned at almost perfect right angels to shoot up into the air another fifty feet before arcing over and heading straight back down to the earth. Once again the crowd held their breath as they waited to see what the two daredevils would do now. The brooms stopped on a dime, a mere foot about a large mud puddle and the two riders slowly slid down the broom to land with a large splat face first in the muck. The crowd groaned their disappointment at the anti-climatic ending to the exciting performance.

Rolanda started breathing again as she hurried over to the puddle shouting over her shoulder, "Class dismissed." She could hear several of the students commenting on what they had just witnessed, "Do you think Hermione will teach me how to do a barrel roll?"

"I want Mrs. Snape to teach me how to fly upside down."

"That was cool but the trick where they went straight up into the air and then came back down, now that was really something to see, although they do need to work on their dismount."

The students' voices faded away as they headed back into the school.

Alexis lifted herself out of the mess and helped Hermione up. As one they pulled out their wands and cast a fire hex on the brooms that were bobbing up and down in the air as if they were laughing at them.

Alexis got a strange sense of satisfaction watching it burst into flames. When it was nothing but a pile of ash she put an arm around Hermione and they started limping back to the castle. Passing Rolanda who was staring at them in shock Alexis told her, "Buy the school forty new brooms, whatever type you want, and charge them to me. When you get them in, let me know because I plan on having a bonfire with the old ones."

"What about your lesson?" Rolanda shouted after her. "Hey, there's no need to be rude!"


	10. The Time Is Right

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: Dress compliments of Midnight Lily.

AN2: If you review and have a question, I will email a personal answer to you if you provide your email address either in your profile or in the body of the review. Thanks to all thous that review.

**Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.**

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

**Chapter 10 The Time Is Right**

Alexis and Hermione limped into the Entrance Hall and parted ways. Alexis began to make her way down to the dungeons. She was leaving a trail of mud behind her.

"What do you think you're doing making a mess for me to clean up? Detention tonight. If the Headmaster would only allow me to flog you, then you students would think twice about tracking mud all over…" Filch's voice trailed off as the mud covered creature turned around: all that could clearly be made out were two eyes glaring out of the filth and grime.

"Argus, I apologize for making this mess," Alexis gritted out. "I will find some way to make it up to you."

"Madame Snape?" Filch stuttered out.

Alexis paused, "Yes, Argus, if you don't mind I would like to go get cleaned up. I am truly sorry about the mess," she resumed her journey leaving Filch staring after her mouth agape.

She was halfway down the dungeon corridor when classes ended. Alexis gave up trying to walk against the stream of students and just leaned against the wall and endured the stares and whispered comments while the mud started to dry. It was getting very itchy.

A few of the students stopped as if to say something, but Alexis' look quickly convinced them to move on. She continued on her way to her quarters determined to take a long hot shower followed by a longer, hotter bubble bath.

A hand in front of her face stopped her once again, "Am I ever going to be able to scrape this mess off of me?" she asked the hand.

"Alexis?" Snape asked surprised.

"Yes, darling, I could really use a hug about now," she gave him a pleading look.

Snape looked her from her muck-matted hair down to the gunk she was still dripping on the floor, "I don't think so."

"This is the second thing I owe you for," she said moving around him, not caring about the giant smear she had left on the wall.

"How is this _my_ fault?" Snape asked as he walked a careful distance from her not wanting to get anything on his robes if he could help it.

"You insisted I learn to fly. Or was that someone taking Polyjuice Potion impersonating a tall, dark and dead sexy Potions Professor this morning who wouldn't listen to me?" Alexis sneered.

"You need to learn to fly for your own safety," Snape asserted.

"Well, you were not the one being dragged all over the quad and falling into mud, now were you?" Alexis hissed. "I felt oh so safe, let me tell you."

Snape realized that she was in no mood to be logical and admit that none of this was his fault so he held his tongue.

"AND, I owe you for telling me that you could not make the potion in chocolate flavor. Don't think I've forgotten about that one," Alexis was muttering more to herself.

"What potion?" Snape asked before he could stop himself.

Alexis stopped, flipped her hair over her shoulder, splattering him and the hallway with mud, then turned and faced him with renewed fire in her eyes. "The prenatal potion. Amber told me that you bribed her to help me with the sex ed class." Alexis took a step closer to Snape and began poking him in the chest leaving muddy dots, "I begged you to do that for me. Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you occasionally profess to love and you told me the potion wouldn't work if you made it in chocolate flavor. Now suddenly, as if by magic, you have created exactly what I wanted, **_but_** for another woman! If I didn't know that Amber was totally devoted to Remus I might be jealous!"

Alexis swung around so fast her hair flew up in a clump of filth and hit Snape in the chest leaving a trail across the front of his robes. Snape rubbed his chest where it was stinging from the impact of her hair. It was so heavy and thick with the goop caking it that it had actually hurt when it hit him.

"Alexis, wait," Snape said hurrying after her.

"Severus, I want to be clean again," Alexis said not stopping.

Snape braced himself and reached for her arm fighting a feeling of revulsion as the mud squelched between his fingers, "The potion, let me explain one thing." Alexis looked up at him. "The chocolate flavoring does have one side effect that I didn't think you would like," at what he interpreted as a concerned look, "nothing that will hurt Amber or the baby. The only ingredient I could find that wouldn't stop the potion from absorbing into the body and still give the chocolate flavor," Snape paused briefly, "also suppresses the libido." He waited for the explosion.

Alexis' lips started twitching, "You mean that Amber gets chocolate and Remus gets nothing?" At his cautious nod, "Did you tell either of them?" When he shook his head she started chuckling, and then laughing before throwing her arms around him, "That is too funny. Mean, but funny."

Alexis returned to her many times interrupted journey leaving a mussed and bemused Potions master to follow her. He desperately needed a change of clothes as well.

Snape entered his quarters and had to stop and look around to make sure he hadn't inadvertently entered his classroom, the pall in the room of gloom and despair was so thick he could be forgiven for wondering. Alexis was snuggling Nathair and Star as though trying to draw comfort from the warmth of their bodies. Remus was holding Amber who was snuggling Aleser. Remus looked up in relief as Snape entered the room, "I came in and found them like this," he told Snape. Both women just continued to stare blankly into space, a look of abject misery etched onto their faces.

"Did the kitchen run out of double chocolate, chocolate chip, fudge brownie ice cream?" Snape asked.

"There's some in the cold sack," Alexis said absently waving towards a large container sitting next to the couch.

Looking around, Snape could see evidence of a chocolate orgy: there were empty bowls with barely a smudge of chocolate ice cream left in the bottom; empty candy bar wrappers littered the floor around Alexis and Amber; the biggest box of Honeydukes extra rich, extra dark chocolate truffles Snape had ever seen was empty on the coffee table. As he moved further into the room he kicked a bottle that went rolling madly around on the rug. Picking it up he read the label aloud, "YooHoo." A quick look showed more of the strange drink bottles strewn haphazardly throughout the area, "Alexis, what is going on?" Snape asked a trace of worry in his voice.

Alexis looked up as if noticing him for the first time, "Severus? I am so glad you are here. You won't believe what those bast…" looking down at the baby in her arms, "those bottom feeding, blowhards at the Ministry have done." Snape walked over and settled beside her pulling her into his arms, "They refused to file Remus' and Amber's betrothal agreements."

Amber dipped a spoon into what Snape now realized was a bowl of chocolate icing and ate it slowly, "Yes, I'm pregnant and I can't get married."

"What are you going to do?" Snape wanted to know.

Alexis handed him Aleser and rummaged through the mess on the floor until she found a chocolate smeared piece of parchment, "That is what we were working on when Remus came in."

"What is that?" Remus asked craning his head.

"It is a list of curses, hexes and jinxes we thought appropriate for the Head of the Department of Magical Contracts and Marriages," Alexis explained, wiping a large smudge off the paper and then licking her finger.

"Is that Fudge's name?" Snape asked nodding at the list.

Amber replied, "Yes, we tried to get him to override the decision, but one of my friends at the Ministry told me that the actual order not to allow our marriage had come from Fudge. He thinks it is just a stage I am going through. He cannot imagine a nice Pureblood witch like me wanting to be shackled to a werewolf."

Snape had to suppress a shudder at the look in Amber's eyes. He would not want to be in Fudge's shoes when these two got finished with him. Snape continued to read the list over Alexis' shoulder, "Bribe him?"

"Amber won't let me buy Fudge or even rent him until he signs off on the marriage agreement," Alexis told him.

"I can't let you spend that much money," Amber said. "Fudge may be a cheap bastard, but he has a high price."

"Blackmail?" Snape read the next item on the list in surprise. "What were you going to blackmail him with?" he was curious.

Alexis rummaged some more in the debris on the coffee table and handed Snape some photos while Amber handed another set to Remus.

Snape looked at the first photo and started to sputter, "WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THESE?"Remus' mouth was just opening and closing as he stared in stunned disbelief.

"We made them," Alexis said absently.

"Made them?" Remus managed to get out, "How did you make something like this?"

Alexis glanced over at him, "My attorney, Letta Gates, brought a product to me that her cousin, Bill Gates, no relation, invented."

Snape interrupted, "No relation, but you just said they were cousins?"

"Yes, they are cousins, but Bill Gates is no relation to _THE_ Bill Gates," Alexis explained.

"Who?" came at her from Remus and Snape. She had already explained to Amber earlier.

"Never mind, he is a famous Muggle," Alexis sighed. "Anyway, Letta brought this invention to me," this time the interruption came from Remus.

"Your attorney's name is Letta Gates?" he snorted.

"Yes, her full name is Leticia Louise Lanell Gates. If that was your name, wouldn't you go by Letta?" Snape and Remus both nodded. "Letta asked me if I might be interested in backing the production of Bill's invention. She feels that it is going to be huge."

"What is it?" Snape asked impatiently, "and what does it have to do with these photos?"

"The name of the product is PhotoCharm. It allows you to cut and paste two photos and make them look like one," Alexis held up one of the photos, "See we took this photo of a drag queen in a corset, heels, fishnet stockings and holding a whip and put Fudge's head on it. We couldn't find one where he wasn't wearing that damn green bowler hat," Snape thought that was the least of the photo's problems as the body started strutting around in circles shaking its butt while Fudge's head wandered off to the side of the photo and began banging itself against the edge.

Remus was flipping through the pictures enjoying them now that he knew that while the Minister of Magic was a great, annoying, prejudiced, prat, he was not a drag queen fixated on S and M. He levitated a photo over to Snape, "Severus, take a look at this one."

Snape grabbed the photo out of the air and smirked, "Where did you get a picture of a dominatrix that looks so much like McNair?"

"We put his face on her body," Alexis explained watching the doctored photo as a whip was flicked knocking Fudge's bowler hat off. Fudge's head looked angry and seemed to be telling off the body it was attached to for not retrieving his hat.

"I can see that," Snape said as he watched the body turn too quickly, making it look as if McNair's face was growing out of the side of the head.

Another picture showed a man, dressed in a pink ballerina tutu that clashed horribly with the green of Fudge's hat, dancing en pointe. As he pirouetted, Fudge's head remained stubborn and wouldn't turn with the body. Alexis thought it had kind of a reverse Linda Blair Exorcist effect.

Snape looked up from the photos, "Why don't you get married in France?"

Everyone stopped and looked at him, "Why would we get married in France?" Amber asked.

"They are much more accepting of mixed marriages. You attended Beauxbatons?" at her nod, "Alexis has several properties over there, she can sign one over to Remus so that he will be a landowner. That will satisfy all the requirements for you two to get married. Once you are married over there, the Ministry over here has to recognize your union."

The last time Snape had been the recipient of so many hopeful looks was when he had started choking at dinner one night in the Great Hall. Three fourths of the students and several of the staff had waited to see if he would be able to dislodge the obstruction from his throat. Luckily Minerva had seen what was going on and had whapped him a good one between the shoulder blades. Snape privately thought she had gotten way too much enjoyment out of hitting him and had been a tad too enthusiastic about it. The bruise had lasted for three days.

"Do you really think that would work?" Amber asked.

"I admit that I fully expected the Ministry to make difficulties so I looked into alternate possibilities. Strictly to fulfill my role as best man," Snape hastened to add. "I had my attorney contact a firm in Paris and they just owled me the information. As long as one of you attended school in France and one of you owns property, the waiting period is waved."

"Which property are we giving them?" Alexis smiled at her husband.

"I had the Paris attorneys prepare paperwork to transfer title on a house just outside of Paris," Snape said not even trying to look modest.

Remus started to say, "Alexis, Severus we cannot allow you to give us…" when a sharp elbow jabbing into his stomach stopped him.

"I don't know how we can thank you, we will transfer the title back as soon as the marriage is recorded," Amber assured them.

"I don't think so," Alexis smirked, "It will be our wedding present to you." Snape nodded his agreement, "Now, Severus, since you have taken care of all of this, what about the wedding?"

"Actually, I did have a few people contacted, just as a means to expedite the proceedings," Snape defended himself as he got up and retrieved a thick folder and handed it to Amber.

Looking through the papers, she stared at Snape impressed, "A few people? You have everything arranged for the wedding. All the rest of us have to do is show up. You even have portkeys arranged for the guests."

"I just took the liberty of reserving the caterers, florists and a few others. Narcissa Malfoy was very helpful in providing me with the names. I had a special delivery to make to her and Lucius and was able to ask her then," Alexis and Amber smirked at the thought of what the special delivery was. The Malfoy's should soon be announcing the pending birth of a daughter, "The only item I did not even make an attempt to handle was the dress."

"Madame Coutrea," Alexis and Amber said at the same time.

When Amber and Alexis walked into Madame Coutrea's shop, they were immediately led to a private dressing room and the Madame soon appeared with her sketchbook in hand.

Looking from Amber to Alexis she gave a big smile and called to her assistant, "Bring the dress immediately. I knew that it would not be long before you would also be married," she informed Amber.

A linen draped rack was wheeled into the room. Madame Coutrea stood up and with a flourish removed the cover revealing a dress that was a true work of art. The underskirt and the bodice were satin. The bodice had clusters of pearls sewn to it with five pearls sewn around a center rhinestone.

The centerpiece of the bodice was a cluster of leaves. The trim that came across the shoulders and surrounded the centerpiece were bullion flowers. Bullion is tiny coils of wire or embroidery floss that are sewn down. This was very visible in the train. The trim met at the center front of the gown with a flower and ties that came out of the flower. The waist of the gown was trimmed with pearls.

The neckline of the gown was not smooth; it had large uneven trim around it. The gown was off-the-shoulder. The overskirt was a crinkly sheer fabric, like an organza it had some iridescence to it. The sleeves were a semi-sheer crinkle, and covered with gauntlets that are tied on at the shoulder. The gauntlets had antique lace and pearls sewn to them. Part of the upper gauntlet was English net with embroidered swirling vines. The lower gauntlet was also English net, but with large embroidered flowers. There were matching shoes on a shelf on the rack. The shoes were made of satin covered with Indian muslin and woven with silver thread, in a magical combination of iridescent materials embellished with rich embroidery. The transparent heels are made of hand-molded crystal and are decorated with refined silver beading.

Amber was staring at the dress and nodding. Alexis grinned at her friend and then looking at Madame, "We will take it."

"You had better since I made it in the young misses' size," Madame Coutrea sniffed.

Alexis looked up from the mail the next day. "We have an invitation to dinner with the Doffs," she told Snape. "They want to know if Wednesday night at seven would be convenient."

"Why didn't Amber just ask us when they were here yesterday?" Snape asked irritated.

"I guess she didn't know her parents were going to be inviting us all to dinner to discuss their wedding," Alexis replied. "So, are we free Wednesday night?"

"Amber's parents have invited us to dinner?" Snape grabbed the letter from her hand reading it over quickly.

"What is so surprising about that?" Alexis wanted to know.

"They were very involved in the first war against the Dark Lord. They have refused to socialize with anyone who was even suspected of being one of his supporters," Snape explained absently.

Alexis waited to see if he was going to say anything else.

"They are also reputed to be slightly odd," Snape continued after a moment.

"What do you mean by odd?" Alexis grinned. "Amber seems fairly normal." Thinking about that for a moment, "At least in public," she amended.

"I personally have never met them. I have just heard about them. She is a bit of a mystic and he is as enamored with Muggles as Arthur Weasley. In fact the two families are on very friendly terms."

"Do you want to have dinner with them?" Alexis was curious.

"We are free Wednesday. If you want to go, we will go," Snape allowed.

Alexis wrote a polite acceptance and sent it by owl.

Wednesday night found them standing at the door to the Doff home. It was a modest appearing town home in an area of London that had a fair number of wizarding families. Before they could knock on the door it was opened by an attractive witch in her late forties who said with a faint French accent, "Hello, you must be the Snapes. I am Aurora Doff, welcome to our home," she stepped back and waved them inside.

Snape helped Alexis off with her cloak, "I am Severus Snape and this is my wife, Alexis," he introduced. Before he could hand over their cloaks, Mrs. Doff had pulled him into a hug and used the collar of his robes to pull his head down so that she could plant a kiss on his check. She released him to turn and to give Alexis the same treatment.

"My dears, Amber and Remus have told us so much about you that I feel I know you already. Everyone else is in the parlor, why don't we join them?" She took the cloaks from Snape's unresisting hand and gave them to an elderly butler who had materialized from the shadows, "Farthley will take care of your wraps," and she led them down into a room immediately off of the entrance hall.

"Darlings, I told you they were on the doorstep just waiting to come in, my sixth sense is never wrong about these things. As you know I see many things before they actually happen," she said with a regal air.

Amber had walked over to greet them. Whispering in Alexis' ear, "That is because she peers out of the front windows." In a louder voice, "Come and meet the rest of the inmates," leading them toward a tall grey haired wizard sitting in an armchair and talking with Remus.

Drawing near they could hear what was being discussed, "So Remus, what is the purpose of Department Stores? I cannot believe that they would have departments for sale, although I sometimes feel that some of the Departments at the Ministry, if they aren't for sale, are at least for rent," he said wryly. Looking up he smiled at his daughter.

"Daddy, these are my friends, Alexis and Severus Snape. This is my father, Steven Doff," after introducing them, Amber walked over to sit on the arm of Remus' chair.

Mr. Doff had risen and was holding out his hand to Snape. "Professor Snape, Mrs. Snape," he offered in greeting.

"Please, call us Alexis and Severus," Alexis offered with a polite smile.

Mrs. Doff hurried up, "And you must call us Aurora and Steven," patting Snape on the arm as she walked by him to stand next to her husband.

Remus who had also gotten to his feet at Alexis' arrival, leaned over and kissed her check, "Alexis," and offered his hand to Snape, "Severus."

"Remus," Snape briefly shook the proffered hand.

"I tell you it is the same Professor Snape," a tall gangly youth said to his female counterpart as they entered the room.

"How would Amber know the premier Potions master in all of Europe?" was the sarcastic question.

"And these are my brother and sister, Darien and Darla," Amber said with a twist of her lips.

"No, we are not twins," Darla said with a weary sigh of one who has been asked the question way too many times.

"Obviously not," Snape said. "You are the older by about fifteen months."

Darla grinned at that, "I think I'm going to like him." Looking at her sister, "Can I keep him?"

"It _is_ you," the blonde boy said with a note of awe in his voice. "I read your paper on the Solidarity Potion. It was brilliant. How you explained the interaction of the arrow root with the tincture of sliver nitrate was so clear and well defined. I have all of your papers saved in a binder in my room. Would you have a chance to autograph them for me?"

Alexis had a possessive grip on Snape's arm and was glaring daggers at the younger girl who was trying to flirt with Snape.

"Darla, Darien, stop it," Amber ordered, "Darla, sorry dear, but he is already taken by the witch on his arm. Now if you do not want to get hexed seven ways to Sunday, you will pull back and shut up. Darien, give the man a chance to sit down before you start in on him."

"Children, you heard your sister, you have been taught better manners than you are currently displaying," their father scolded quietly.

At his words the two grinned, "Yes, daddums," Darla walked over to her father and hugged him.

Darien came over to stand beside Snape almost bouncing in his eagerness to be noticed, "Sir, if you have a moment, I was wondering if you would perhaps be willing to look at a potion I am working on?"

Before Snape could respond to that, Darla came up, "Dar, leave him alone. At least let him eat dinner before you bother him with your boring and stinky concoctions. If he goes up to your room before dinner, the smell will kill his appetite." Darla reached for Snape's hand, "Professor, why don't you come over here and sit with me? You can tell me all about yourself."

Before she could take his hand, Alexis stepped between them and hooked an arm through hers, "Why don't I tell you all about our twin sons? I even have pictures here if you would like to see how much they look like their father. You know, we were just talking the other night about how much we needed to find a young, but responsible, _child_ to baby-sit the boys on the weekends," Alexis was dragging the protesting young witch over to a love seat.

Snape smirked as he turned to the young man standing at his elbow, "Perhaps after dinner, if your parents do not object, I will have time to look at your work."

"Thank you, sir," Darien said respectfully.

"Professor, can I offer you a drink?" Steven Doff asked.

Snape nodded his acceptance as he joined the other two men in a pre-dinner drink.


	11. Dinner With The Doffs

Disclaimer: I hereby claim to not own anything.

**Chapter 11 Dinner with the Doffs**

_**Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."  
- Red Buttons**_

Alexis settled down on one side of Darla while Amber sat on the other. Darla was still protesting at being dragged away from the men. "Darla, you have to learn who you can and cannot flirt with," Amber told her sternly, "and the husband of a jealous and vindictive witch is definitely a NOT."

Alexis grinned at the pouting young woman. "You are what, nineteen?" Darla nodded still sulking. "How long has it been since you've seen the Weasley boys?"

"Who?" Darla asked.

"Arthur and Molly Weasley's sons," Alexis looked at the bewildered girl.

"Daddy knows Arthur Weasley from work but I don't think I've met any of his sons," Darla said taking an interest in the conversation. "How many does he have?"

"Six," Alexis smirked. "And Amber has met them all."

Amber leaned back in her seat and pretended to study her nails as Darla started asking, "What do they look like? How old are they? Did they go to Hogwarts because I don't remember meeting any Weasleys at Beauxbatons?"

Amber just ignored the barrage of questions.

"Ber, if you don't start talking… I'll…" Darla looked around the room trying to think of a threat that would insure her sister's cooperation and inspiration struck, "I'll pull out the baby pictures."

That got Amber's immediate attention, "You wouldn't dare!"

"Talk then," Darla demanded.

It was Amber's turn to pout as she sulkily complied, wondering how to get around the charms her mother had used to protect the photo albums. Aurora had charmed them the first time she had caught her children trying to feed them to the fire. Now the albums and photos were fire proof, tear and crumple proof, and if you tried to take them out of the parlor, you would get a nasty shock. They had even tried throwing them through the doorway, but all that happened was the albums had bounced back off an invisible ward and broke Great-Aunt Gertrude's urn, scattering her ashes all over the floor. The urn had been easy to fix, a simple Reparo Charm, but the ashes were another matter. The old bat had insisted on being cremated on a funeral pyre like her Norse Ancestors. This resulted in a mountain of ashes and no way to separate Great-Aunt Gertie's ashes from the wood ashes, so all of them were dumped together in a fifty gallon drum of an urn. They had figured the top layer had to be Great-Aunt Gertie or it would have taken about ten of the urns to hold all of the ashes left from the pyre. Amber shuddered just thinking about how long it had taken them to clean up the ashes and get them back into the urn. She just hoped that no one would ever notice all the carpet fuzz that was now included in with the ashes.

Darla continued to question Alexis and Amber about the Weasley boys while Snape was conversing with Remus and the Doffs.

Steven had returned to quizzing Remus regarding Muggles. Remus had made the mistake of being able to answer one of his innumerable questions about Muggles so now Steven considered Remus an expert. "So, Remus, Muggles have so many different types of shops: Department Stores, Super Markets, Mega Stores and what are these Mauls I have heard about? They sound rather dangerous."

Remus looked at his future father-in-law who was staring at him intently, "Well Steven, I have noticed that myself," Remus glanced over at Amber hoping to be rescued. "I don't believe that the Mauls are as dangerous as they sound."

Snape was enjoying Remus' discomfort and so decided to add to it, "Remus, what do Muggles do at their Mauls?"

Steven nodded his approval at Snape's apparent interest in Muggles.

Remus gave Snape an 'I'll get you later look' before trying to answer, "I believe that they gather in large numbers there."

"But what do they actually _do_ when they gather in such _large_ numbers?" Snape goaded.

Alexis had left the two sisters discussing ways and means for Darla to meet the Weasley wizards. Sitting on the arm of Snape's chair, she joined the conversation, "Who gather in large numbers where?"

Steven answered her, "Remus was going to explain the purpose of Muggle Mauls and why they are not as dangerous as they sound."

Steven enthused, "I was in London last year and saw a telly-fusion show about Mauls when I passed one of their electwrisity shops. They had the telly-fusion on in the window. It is amazing what Muggles can do without magic. Their telly-fusion is similar to our paintings and photographs where everything moves. It is like a series of paintings or photos all in the same frame. I found it fascinating. The show seemed to be focusing on Mauls as homes for displaced zombies. It even had a part dealing with safety measures in dealing with zombies, including actual photos of a zombie revolt at one of the Mauls. It does give me hope for future Muggle-Wizard relations. If Muggles can be that understanding of zombies, especially considering how many Muggles were eaten during the revolt, then surely they can learn to get along with wizards amicably. After all, we won't eat them."

With extreme difficulty, Alexis controlled her facial expression; she desperately wanted to laugh at Steven thinking Dawn of the Dead was a documentary. "Actually, I believe that Muggles were using Zombies as a form of cheap night time security guards at the Mauls; however, as you saw on the telly-fusion, it just didn't work out. Too many customers were getting accidentally locked in at night and eaten."

Steven nodded thoughtfully, "That would be bad for business. The Ministry had to stop using zombies as night time security guards for the exact same reason."

Remus chimed in, "Yes, I remember my grandfather telling me about when he was a young boy, the villages would hire zombies to patrol at night. They didn't have the same problem with people getting eaten, just the zombies were so stupid and slow that they were constantly getting caught out after the sun came up. A dried out zombie is a horrible sight according to granddad. Truthfully, any zombie is a horrible sight, but even worse than a regular zombie is one that has been exposed to sun and heat."

Alexis tried to get the conversation back on target. She had noticed Farthley standing in the shadows. She could have sworn that when the conversation had turned to zombies eating people he had licked his lips. With a mental note to make sure to NEVER be alone with Farthley, she said to Remus, "I'm sorry to interrupt, you were explaining about how Muggles gather together to shop at the variety of stores that are contained under the roof of a Muggle Mall," she said politely.

"Yes," Remus gave Alexis a look of relief at her assistance while Snape gave her one of reproach for ruining his fun.

"Muggles gather in large numbers at their Mauls in order to shop. Many different shopkeepers maintain premises at the Mauls. That way, Muggles don't have to go to many different areas in order to make a variety of purchases," Remus had watched as Alexis nodded as if encouraging him to continue his explanation.

"Ahhh, now I understand, it is just another way for Muggles to shop," Steven sighed in disappointment. "If it wasn't a home for displaced zombies I assumed from the name it to be some type of Gladiatorial Arena where two Muggle Champions would Muggle duel. Alexis, are you also interested in Muggles?" Steven was always looking for someone who shared his passion.

Alexis smiled, "I do find them interesting," she admitted with twinkling eyes, wondering what Steven would say if he knew that he was actually talking to a thirty-something Muggle inhabiting the body of a twenty-something witch.

"So if Mauls are Muggle shopping centers, how do Strip Mauls fit in?" Steven asked intently.

Remus choked on his drink, Snape started coughing to hide his insane desire to actually laugh and Alexis bit her lip hard before turning an innocently questioning look on Remus, "Yes, Remus, I have never fully understood the purpose of Strip Mauls myself?"

Farthley appeared from the shadows and managed to wheeze out, "Dinner is served," thus saving Remus from having to answer.

Aurora touched Snape's arm to get his attention, "Severus, dear, I sense that you are concerned about something. I just wanted you to know that I will focus on you the next time I scry and perhaps the spirits will be kind enough to reveal to me the solution to your problem."

Snape managed to reply, "Thank you. Any assistance is appreciated."

Aurora smiled at his response. Not many people were as open and accepting as he to assistance from the beyond.

The couples rose and still chatting headed into the dining room. Alexis and Snape stopped abruptly upon seeing a traditional Asian dinning table surrounded by low cushions. Everyone else seemed to be taking it in stride, so Alexis headed over to the cushion Aurora had indicated. Snape came up behind her and was trying to figure out how to politely seat his wife. Exchanging looks, they both shrugged and managed to lower themselves without looking too clumsy.

Aurora smiled at her guests, "The spirits are so much more receptive if we follow the ancient customs."

Farthley brought in a large bottle wrapped in a linen napkin. It was the strangest wine bottle Alexis had ever seen. When Farthley poured the first glass for Steven, Alexis couldn't believe the dark caramel colored fizzy drink coming out of the bottle. Noticing Alexis' interest Steven smiled, "I have a treat for us. This is drink that is very popular with Muggles. I have managed to obtain a few bottles of it and only serve it when we have something to celebrate. It is non-alcoholic so that Amber can partake."

Alexis nodded with a smile, "I am looking forward to trying it." Alexis watched Snape closely as he cautiously brought the bubbling beverage up to his nose. Before she could stop him, he had taken a big sniff and immediately started coughing as he inhaled the carbonation bubbles. When he recovered, he put the glass back on the table and regarded it with dark suspicion. Alexis picked up her glass and sipped from it almost gagging at the syrupy taste of warm cola.

A maid entered the room carrying the first course of a beef and barley soup. Placing her napkin on her lap, Alexis looked for her silverware only to see chopsticks and a paper-wrapped drinking straw instead. Looking from her soup to her chopsticks she decided to see how her hostess was going to handle eating her soup.

After everyone had been served, the Doffs all picked up their straws and removed the paper wrapping. Steven noticed that their guests were not eating, "A friend of mine brought me these Muggle devices. He got them at a Muggle eating establishment. They are perfect for eating soup," he demonstrated by placing his straw into the soup and gently sipping the hot liquid.

Remus and Snape nodded as they too began to drink their soup. Alexis' hands were trembling slightly as she unwrapped her straw. She was trying not to remember the time her mother had scolded her for doing this very thing when she was five. Before she could take her first sip of soup, Darien sputtered, looking at her he explained, "You have to be careful or the bigger pieces get stuck in the tube and block it."

"Thank you for the instruction," Alexis replied.

When the straws were clogged more than they were clear, Aurora rang for the next course, roast beef with vegetables. After Steven had carved the roast, the maid began to serve it. Alexis was wondering if she could perform a sticky charm on the chopsticks so that the food would stay on them until she could get it to her mouth. The food smelled wonderful and she was very hungry.

Aurora picked up her chopsticks, "I was amazed when I saw these tiny wands that the Muggles used to eat with and just had to buy some. I decided that this was the perfect occasion to use them for the first time. I was saving them for a special dinner."

"They are very pretty," Alexis complimented looking at the black lacquered sticks with inlaid mother of pearl.

Snape picked up one of the sticks and pointed it at his food and waited. When nothing happened he shook the stick and then tried a swish and flick: still nothing. Remus had resorted to poking his potato with the end of the stick and eating it off of the point. Darien and Darla saw what Remus was doing and began to copy him.

Soon everyone at the table was poking their food with the pointed end of one of the chopsticks and eating that way. Alexis decided to go with the flow and poked and ate with the rest of them.

"I don't understand why they give you two wands," Aurora said as the main course was cleared.

"Perhaps it is a desert wand," Amber offered.

Her mother's eyes brightened at that until she remembered that she was serving banana pudding for dessert.

After licking the pudding off of the chop sticks, they all returned to the parlor to discuss Amber and Remus' wedding plans. Aurora had approved of almost everything Snape had arranged; it was mainly a matter of firming up the guest lists and travel arrangements.

Remus' list was short, but Amber's more than made up for it. The Doff's had a large extended family and feelings would be hurt if everyone wasn't invited.

The guest list was finalized at one hundred and twenty-five: twenty-five from Remus and one hundred from Amber. It would have been a much longer list, but all of the Ministry people they normally would have invited, were left off for obvious reasons.

Farthley appeared with a tea and coffee trolley that also contained a large crystal ball. Aurora asked, "Amber, would you pour while I get ready to gaze into the orb. I want to check and make sure that we are prepared for any obstacles that may come our way."

"Of course, mother," Amber poured everyone coffee. When Alexis went to say something, Amber whispered, "Trust me, you do NOT want to drink tea with my mother. Unless you want your tea leaves read?"

"Coffee with cream and sugar please," Alexis replied quickly and Snape quickly seconded.

Everyone politely waited while Aurora consulted her crystal ball, "Ahhh, Remus, Amber, I see a very happy future for you with many children. Your first child will be a little girl. You will enjoy a long and close friendship with Alexis and Snape. Your children will be close friends. Alexis, Snape, I see some more children in your future as well. How unfortunate," Aurora's paused, "well, I suppose it was too much to hope that none of your offspring would inherit the nose," Alexis squeezed Snape's hand while biting her lip. "He also inherits your intelligence, Severus, as well as your nose and Alexis' sense of humor so he is a very popular individual with many friends." Aurora paused again before looking up at Alexis, "Dear, you are an old soul in a young body." After another moment, "That is all the crystal has to show us for tonight."

Darien walked up to Snape, "Professor, if you have finished your coffee, perhaps you would be able to look at my potion?"

Snape looked to Steven and Aurora for permission. Upon their nods of approval, he rose to his feet, "Very well. Show me what you are working on."

Remus got the feeling Steven was going to start asking him more questions about Muggles, "Severus, Darien, perhaps if I could join you?"

Darien barely glanced back from his intense conversation with Snape to wave a hand in agreement. Remus hastily excused himself and hurried after the others. Steven noticing that he was going to be left alone in a room full of women making wedding plans, quickly excused himself with a mumbled explanation.

Aurora smirked, "Now that we are alone, Amber, I want to know something."

"Yes, mum?" Amber answered.

"I've always wanted to know, is it true what they say about werewolves?" At Amber's puzzled look. "That they are real animals in the sack, almost insatiable and with incredible stamina?"

Alexis choked on the sip of coffee she had just taken. When she had regained her breath, "Yes, Amber, tell us all about it. Don't consider any detail too small or trivial."

Amber just shook her head at her mother, "Well, to be honest, small and trivial are not words I think of when I think of Remus in the sack," she primly reached over and helped herself to a biscuit off the tea trolley and sat back with a smug look.

"Do go on," Aurora and Alexis encouraged while Darla looked embarrassed and intrigued at the same time.

When the men returned about an hour later, they found a group of flushed and giggling ladies in the parlor. Snape and Remus both grew uncomfortable at the appraising looks they were now receiving. "Do you get the feeling that we may have been a topic of conversation?" Remus quietly asked Snape.

Snape nodded briefly, "And I don't think we want to know the context of our inclusion in the conversation. Alexis, it is late and we have classes tomorrow."

"Yes dear. Aurora, I have had a wonderful time. We must get together soon," Alexis said warmly to her hostess.

Everyone got up, "Darien, go let your father know that our guests are leaving," Aurora instructed her son.

Hugs and promises to get together again were exchanged as Snape and Alexis retrieved their wraps. In the general confusion of their leaving, Aurora whispered to Snape, "He is returning soon. I have seen it. Trust Alexis. She loves you very much and is stronger than you think. You are stronger than you think and your aura isn't as black as you believe. One night, not too long in the past, you had three dreams: the first represented your apprehension regarding Alexis; the second your apprehension regarding your children; and the last is a promise of a future possibility. Hold that promise close when things look the darkest. "

Snape gave her a long hard look before surprising them both by pressing a quick kiss to her cheek, "Thank you." With one last look into Aurora's eyes, Snape helped his wife into her wrap and they began their journey home.

Alexis smiled up at Snape, "I don't know why people say the Doff's are odd," and they both Apparated to the gates of Hogwarts, Snape going first so Alexis could follow him, and then began their walk home.


	12. Wedding Bell Blues

Disclaimer: I don't own this.

AN: This story has become a collaborative effort between me, Midnight Lily, and Steve2. While I will take credit for the main story line, both Midnight Lily and Steve2 have made substantial contributions that I personally feel have greatly improved the story. If you need an example, for those of you that have already read Chapter 9, go back and read it again after the newly revised chapter has posted (replaced it 4/14/2005 so it should be up by 4/15/2005 at the latest).

**Chapter 12 Wedding Bell Blues**

_LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."  
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911_

Amber and Remus' wedding had gone off with barely a hitch. Guests had arrived when and where they were supposed to arrive, the vows were said with no stumbling or embarrassing moments and the ladies had all teared up at the appropriate moments. In fact the actual wedding itself had been hitchless: it was the reception that had proved interesting.

Professor Dumbledore had given special permission for the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione to attend the wedding. They would portkey over with Alexis and Snape Friday evening after classes and return Sunday morning.

Ginny and the Weasley twins had volunteered to baby sit the Snape twins while Snape and Alexis were busy with wedding arrangements. That was the only reason Snape had agreed to escort the Gryffindor group. He trusted Ginny to keep Fred and George in line, and by bringing their own babysitter, they could bring the twins. It would have been hard to find someone to keep the boys since Hogwarts was going to be short staffed with many of the teachers attending the wedding and it just didn't feel right leaving the boys to the care of a house elf for three days straight.

Snape had tried to get away with only escorting Ginny, but she had refused to go unless he agreed to escort the rest. Not that any of the rest were all that thrilled about having Snape as a chaperone. Arthur and Molly would be meeting them in France and would take over the responsibility.

Dumbledore had officiated at the ceremony and everything had gone off smoothly. The babies had slept through the whole event under the watchful eye of Molly Weasley. Remus had never looked happier and Amber positively glowed.

Snape had arranged a reception immediately following the wedding. Alexis admired the three tiered wedding cake that was floating gently above a champagne fountain. There was a band playing on a raised dais and several serving stations scattered throughout the room.

"I am really impressed," Alexis said smiling up at her husband.

Snape accepted the compliment as his due. The band leader called for everyone's attention, "Mr. and Mrs. R. J. Lupin will open the dancing."

The band started playing a Muggle song, Could I Have This Dance For the Rest Of My Life as Remus swept Amber out onto the floor and they began to sway to the music.

After they had danced for a moment in the spotlight, the master of ceremonies asked for the mother and father of the bride to join, then best man and maid of honor. Finally the floor was opened to everyone.

Snape held Alexis close as they danced thinking back to the first time they had danced. "At least I don't have to worry about the length of your skirt this time," he whispered against her ear.

"No, but if I drop anything tonight I am going to let you pick it up for me," she whispered back. Her dress was floor length, but the top had a deep v-neck.

"I really wish you wouldn't wear such provocative clothing," Snape said again. "At least not until Aniya is finished brooding."

"Just think, our little Aniya is going to be a mother," Alexis grinned. "Although I'm still trying to figure out when and how she met the father."

"From what I could understand, she is actually an '_it_.' She decided she wanted to have children to train to protect our children so she laid eggs and fertilized them," Snape explained.

Alexis shrugged philosophically. This wasn't the strangest thing she had ever heard after all.

Molly and Arthur had retired and taken Aleser and Nathair with them after extracting promises of good behavior and making threats of dire consequences should the promises be broken from their brood.

Alexis was dancing with Remus and Snape was dancing with Amber when the first guest turned into a giant canary. Before long there was a whole flock of giant yellow canaries fluttering around one of the food stations.

Fred and George were looking around wildly, "It wasn't us. I swear we wouldn't do something like that to Professor Lupin."

At another table the guests were turning into piglets. They started running around squealing. "We haven't even released the Porcine Petit Fours yet," Fred said, looking around for an exit.

The piglets were soon joined by kittens scampering all over the place. George looked at Fred, "Did you bring the Kitty-Kat Klusters?" Fred shook his head still trying to find the exit as far away from the infuriated bride and groom as possible.

Just then one of the piglets ran into a waiter causing the waiter to trip and fall on the end of the table holding a punch bowl.

The punch bowl flew up in the air and stopped as about four levitation spells hit it at the same time.

Unfortunately, the force of so much magic hitting the fragile glass container caused it to shatter.

Since the punch bowl had been the focus of the magic, the glass shards continued to float in midair; however, the punch fell in a sudden downpour on Amber's unsuspecting aunt.

Poor Aunt Maude let out a squeal to rival the piglets and in a knee jerk reaction cast a hex hitting her sister-in-law whom she had not spoken to in twenty years.

The sister-in-law retaliated to the unprovoked attack by casting a jelly legs jinx; unfortunately, the tickling hex she had been hit with had her hand shaking so badly that she missed Aunt Maude and hit Uncle Erwin.

Now Uncle Erwin had indulged himself in all the free liquor and was slightly the worse for wear. His advanced state of inebriation coupled with the jelly leg jinx led to him not being able to maintain his balance in the slightest. Panicking as he started to fall, Uncle Erwin grabbed the first thing that came to hand: Cousin Pam's robes.

Now Cousin Pam's robes were already under a great deal of stress because she had recently invested in an augmentation potion. Being a cheapskate, she had purchased the potion from Mexico instead of paying the extra and getting it from a licensed Beautification Healer. So instead of going up one bra size, she had gone up two bra sizes on the right breast and four on the left. She had not purchased new robes and had instead squeezed herself into ones she already had, causing the seams on her robes to become structurally unsound. The already stressed seams finally gave out when Uncle Vernon grabbed the front of Cousin Pam's robes to keep from falling, leaving Cousin Pam in nothing but her knickers and bra, revealing the true horror of an improperly prepared augmentation potion as one breast not only was larger than the other, it was covered in scales and the other breast was blue: although not much of the blue could be seen because Cousin Pam had stuffed that cup with socks to try and even out her cleavage.

Now the sight of Cousin Pam in nothing but her knickers and bra with one scaly breast and one blue breast caused Great Uncle Homer to grab his chest and start panting.

His son, Homer Jr., ran up to help his father thinking that Homer Sr. was having a heart attack.

Senior proceeded to push Junior out of the way as Senior was not having a heart attack but was in fact grabbing for a camera in the top pocket of his robes and Junior was going to be blocking the shot of Cousin Pam.

Junior, being ninety himself, was not all that steady on his feet and when Senior pushed him out of the way Junior fell and landed on what had at first been a piglet, but had quickly grown to a full size hog.

The hog took off running with Junior draped over its back. A round of magic was fired at the hog _and_ Junior in an attempt to rescue the elderly wizard and the hog that was in fact a transfigured guest. This resulted in the hog turning purple with pink daisies and Homer Jr. levitating into the air and beginning to spin wildly about two feet off the floor face down.

One of the kittens noticed Junior's tie hanging down and spinning so began to try and catch it. The kitten was so proud of itself as it managed to hook its tiny claws into the spinning silk: until the force of the spinning material jerked it off of its hind feet and sent it flying through the air to land hissing and scratching on Aunt Bea's new hat. The kitten decided that anyplace was better than where it was at this current moment in time and took off running, straight down the back of Aunt Bea's new robes.

Aunt Bea was a lady of large girth and enjoyed the freedom of loose robes.

The kitten got lost inside the voluminous fabric and started running laps, jumping her garters and crossing her thighs.

Aunt Bea hadn't noticed the kitten landing on her hat and so was very surprised to feel something soft running across her thighs. Looking over at her neighbor, a wizard by the name of Mr. Crapse, she gave the surprised man a come hither look and grabbing his robes pulled him into a passionate kiss. Now Aunt Bea had married four wizards and buried four wizards so if there was one thing she knew how to do it was kiss a man. It wasn't long before the wizard under attack went from pushing her away to pulling her to him.

The embrace had proceeded to the point where a pool had started on whether or not the couple would actually consummate their embrace where they sat, or if they would come to their senses and get a room.

Before the bet could be decided, the Kitty-Kat Kluster wore off.

Aunt Bea's embrace suddenly became a ménage a trois as the kitty lost in her robes had never managed to find its way out before the spell broke.

Aunt Bea now had one wizard trying to get into her robes and one wizard trying to get out from under them. The lady hadn't had so much attention since her second honeymoon and became overwhelmed by all the sensations and fainted.

This did allow the onlookers to assist the kitten, now transformed back into a guest, out from under her robes.

Cooler heads luckily prevailed when Mr. Crapse saw another man coming out from under his new lady love's robes and started to challenge him to a duel. They were able to distract Mr. Crapse by turning his attention back to Aunt Bea who was starting to come round and thus prevent the challenge from being issued.

By this time, all the canaries had molted, the pigs had porked out and the kittens had shed, leaving confused and angry guests wondering what the hell had just happened. Remus and Amber, along with the Hogwarts staff who had attended the wedding, were advancing on Fred and George Weasley. It looked as if the infamous twins had finally gone too far. No one was listening to their protestations of innocence.

Ginny loved her brothers, but even she felt they were about to get what was coming to them. After all this was Professor Lupin, _everyone_ liked him. If it had been Professor Snape's wedding, well then she might have helped them escape. Leaning back against a table to watch the show and also placing herself in position to run for her parents if it looked like the mob was actually going to do permanent damage to the twins, Ginny started to help herself to a snack from the tray a waiter had just brought out. Looking closely at the treat she had just picked up she realized it was one of Fred and George's Canary Creams. Grabbing the arm of the waiter she asked him, "Where did you get these?"

The waiter had a decidedly blank look on his face as he replied, "There was a large bag with boxes of these and other confections under the main table in the kitchen."

"Who told you to put them out?" Ginny asked, still not able to believe that Fred and George might in fact be innocent.

"No one told me to put these out. The head waiter just told me to keep the trays full. We were running out of sweets and so I used these. Did I do something wrong?" the waiter was beginning to get nervous.

"No, you didn't do anything," Ginny soothed him, before turning and pushing her way through the crowd. Using elbows and pinches, as she was too young to use magic outside of school, to get to the front of the mob, she reached Amber and Remus who were in an intense discussion of just what to do with Fred and George. Ginny grabbed Remus' arm as he was telling Amber that shaving them bald, painting their bodies blue and turning them out in the streets naked might sound like a good idea now, but since they were underage, might result in legal problems later. Remus looked down at Ginny impatiently. "Professor Lupin, they really didn't do it. I promise. I just found out from a waiter that he put the stuff out by accident."

"What did you say, Ginny?" Amber and Remus asked.

"They didn't deliberately put out all that stuff. I don't know why they brought it, but they didn't intend it for your guests. A waiter found the stuff and put it out by accident," Ginny was still holding onto Remus' arm as his wand was still twitching in the twins' direction.

"You are positive?" Remus asked.

"Yes sir, I am positive," Ginny said with a pleading look in her eyes that stronger wizards than Remus Lupin had been unable to withstand.

With a sigh and a last convulsive twitch of his wand, Remus turned to the angry mob that was holding aloft burning center pieces and serving forks chanting, "Kill the Monsters! Kill the Monsters!"

"Wait! EVERYONE WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Remus yelled. Once he had everyone's attention, "They really are innocent."

"This time!" came a voice from the crowd. "Let's get 'em for all the stuff they've done in the past! Maim the monsters! Maim the monsters!"

"SHUT UP, RON!" Fred and George hollered.


	13. Tangled Web

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own.

AN: This story is a collaborative effort between, me, Midnight Lily and Steve2. So what you don't like belongs to them, everything else is mine… just kidding.

**Chapter 13 Tangled Web**

_Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others._

_Groucho Marx_

Sunday morning Alexis and Snape went to join Molly and Arthur Weasley and Aurora and Steven Doff for breakfast. The newlyweds were off for a weeklong honeymoon compliment of the bride's parents.

Molly and Arthur had insisted on keeping the babies last night. Well, actually Molly had insisted and Arthur had just gone along with Molly's wishes. Now Aleser and Nathair were being spoiled by Aurora and Molly.

Alexis wondered wryly if she would get to hold her babies at all this weekend.

Darla came in looking very pretty and surrounded by Weasleys. Ron, Fred and George were paying her a gratifying amount of attention. Charlie had, to her extreme frustration, treated her like a little sister. Percy had not felt he should take time off from work to go gallivanting all over the continent. No one had thought to point out that he could have arrived Saturday and left Sunday and not missed any work.

Harry, Hermione and Ginny came in and settled around the breakfast table. Hermione was shooting death glares at Darla and Ron. Alexis patted her on the shoulder as she went to get her and Snape a cup of coffee. On her way back she paused to whisper in her ear, "Ron is too young for Darla. Darla is more focused on Charlie, simply because he is ignoring her; and Ron is an oblivious prat." Hermione gave her a grateful look. Hermione and Alexis had grown closer ever since the flying lesson: near death experiences tended to have that effect on relationships.

Darien came in yawning and rubbing his eyes sleepily with one hand while holding a truly hideous hat in the other. The hat was puce green with two bats spread out over the brim; one in the front and one in the back, their heads meeting at the crown. The bats were charmed to flap their wings randomly and let out a high-pitched squeak. "Has anyone seen Aunt Bea this morning?" Darien asked around another yawn. "I found her hat in the hallway."

"Did you check her room?" Aurora looked up from feeding Nathair.

"I knocked on her door but no one answered."

"Steven, perhaps you better go check on her, she's not as young as she used to be," Aurora turned to her husband. It was his older sister after all.

Steven nodded and headed out the kitchen taking his coffee with him. A few minutes later he came back holding a piece of parchment and shaking his head. Handing the note to his wife he refilled his coffee cup and sat back down at the magically expanded table.

Aurora read the parchment, shook her head and then read it again before bursting into laughter. When she had calmed sufficiently she explained to the curious on-lookers, "Bea and Marlone Crapse have eloped."

"Is that the bloke she was…" looking at his mum and dad who were blissfully unaware of the debacle that had happened at the reception last night after they left, "…sitting next to?" Fred finished.

"Yes," Steven replied with dancing eyes; everyone was in on the conspiracy to keep Molly at least from finding out the mayhem that her sons' inventions had caused.

"I can't believe I didn't see this coming," Aurora fretted. "I must cleanse my aura as soon as we get home. A blocked aura is nothing to play around with. I really should have seen this in the crystal or tea leaves or something."

"There, there, Aurora, your oldest daughter was getting married. I'm sure all the energy from something so important to you and your family just caused interference in the ether. A good cleansing and you should be back to your normal receptiveness," Alexis consoled.

Darien sat next to Snape; he couldn't believe his luck that no one else had snagged the chair for themselves, "Professor?"

Snape looked over at the young man. He wasn't sure how to deal with him. Snape had never been the focus of hero worship before and it made him uncomfortable. He knew he was as brilliant as Darien thought him, but he just wasn't used to anyone else recognizing and appreciating it.

"Darien, since you were never a student of mine and you are an adult, I believe you may call me Severus," Snape couldn't help but smirk as he noticed all of the stunned looks being directed at him from those who had been his students as well as those who currently were his students.

"Thank you, Severus," Darien positively glowed. He had been fascinated by potions ever since he sister had returned from her first year at Beauxbatons. He had snitched her textbooks as a prank. Only problem was he had gotten locked in the attic where he was hiding them. Out of sheer boredom he had started looking through the books. Nothing really held his interest until he started reading the potion's text. When his mother had finally scried his location four hours later, he was hooked. His parents had finally given into his begging and bought him a beginner's potion kit. They had also magically reinforced his room after the third explosion. He was proud to say that he hadn't exploded anything in over a year now.

When Darien had studied the Wolfsbane Potion, the name Severus Snape had kept reoccurring. Further research had revealed to Darien that Snape was considered one of the top three Potion Masters in Europe. Darien had begged his parents to allow him to attend Hogwarts as soon as he discovered that Snape taught there, but his mother had stood firm on him attending her old school of Beauxbatons.

The current students of Hogwarts School were staring at Darien as if he were some strange new species never before seen. Ron whispered to Harry and Hermione, "He's as bad as Percy is with Crouch."

"At least Snape knows Darien's name," Fred snickered before his attention was claimed again by Darla.

Darien asked, "Severus," blushing slightly at the privilege, "I was wondering if you knew why Cousin Pam's augmentation potion would have reacted like that?"

Snape could feel Alexis' gaze on him, "In what way?" Alexis squeezed his thigh under the table.

Darien looked confused, "Weren't you there when Uncle Erwin pulled her robes off?"

"I may have been, but I must have been distracted by everything else that was going on," Snape replied carefully.

"Whose robes got pulled off and what all was going on?" Molly asked suspiciously.

"Uncle Erwin had too much to drink and started to fall. He tried to break his fall by grabbing Cousin Pam, but unfortunately he grabbed the front of her robes and they ripped under his weight," Alexis hastily explained.

Molly was still giving her brood suspicious looks, "Hmmmm…."

"Molly, look I think Nathair is smiling at you," Alexis turned Molly's attention away from her boys.

Darien looked as if he was about to say something else when he felt a sharp pain in his shin. Looking around the table he tried to figure out just who had kicked him. Snape retrieved his attention, "Darien, what symptoms did Cousin Pam display?"

Alexis leaned over and whispered, "Severus, if you didn't see the woman in nothing but her knickers and a bra with two vastly different sized boobs, one in royal blue and one with green scales, I am taking you to get your eyes examined."

It finally struck Darien that Snape wasn't unobservant, that he was circumspect. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to admit in front of one's wife that he had been looking at another woman. Snape smirked as he responded to Darien, "Whoever made it probably tried to substitute the much cheaper eel blood for the dragon's blood."

"But eel's blood is so unstable, how would they have even added it?" Darien didn't even notice when his mother put a plate of food in front of him.

"If the eel's blood is concentrated and added to rat brains and then passed through a goat's bladder, it forms a gelatinous substance that will remain stable until it melts. If you add it right as it is starting to revert to a liquid state it will mimic dragon's blood in color and texture. However, as you could see the results will vary," Snape pretended not to see the looks of revulsion on many of the faces seated at the table.

"That would explain the difference in size, but why the scales and the color?" Darien was shoveling food into his mouth much like Ron would had he still been eating.

Snape was enjoying the discussion on many levels. Darien was the type of student that Snape actually looked for: intelligent, earnest, and interested. The added bonus was all this talk of blood, brains, and boobs was making the rest of the people present green. "Another popular substitution in the Augmentation Potion is elephant dung for Phoenix tears," Snape expounded. "The dung, of course is in much more plentiful supply and much cheaper than the tears: of course the taste has to be disguised, usually by adding burnt bluebird feathers, which would account for the blue color. Now the scales are much more difficult to explain."

Before Snape could try there was a retching sound and Ron, looking decidedly green said, "Please…"

Darien totally misunderstood and happily began to explain, "Elephant dung has a distinctive taste and odor that would have to be camouflaged in order for the imbiber not to recognize it. Burnt bluebird feathers are a common way to disguise the taste; not that they taste any better. However, because they cause such a strong burnt taste and odor and they are cheap, they are used most…" Darien trailed off watching Ron run from the room with his hand over his mouth. Turning to Snape with a puzzled look, "He left before I could explain why they should have added puréed chicken feet and beaks with gopher guts to leach the color out of the feathers." Darien shrugged at the inconsistency of some people who asked for an explanation and then ran off before it was complete.

Alexis looked over at Snape and Darien, "Severus, why don't you and Darien take this discussion into the other room?" There were many fervent nods of agreement from the slightly green guests seated around the table.

Darien looked around astounded that he was the only one who wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to learn from the master. Shaking his head in disbelief he and Snape headed out of the kitchen.

Fred and George stood up eager to make their escape, before they could leave, Alexis stopped them with a gimlet glare, "Boys, you didn't forget that you promised to help clean up from the reception?"

Correctly reading the warning in her eyes, "Of course not, Alexis, we were just heading that way," Fred smiled winningly.

"Yes, we were just going to gather a few things we might need," George added.

Molly looked at her twins caught somewhere between surprise and suspicion, "Fred, you and George volunteered to help Alexis clean up?"

"It was the least we could do," Fred said polishing an imaginary halo.

"Why the least?" Molly asked leaning slightly toward suspicion.

"To thank her for making sure we were invited and had a way to get here," George interjected.

"I'll meet you in the ballroom in five minutes. Don't make me come looking for you," Alexis warned.

"Yes, Alexis," they chorused.

As the twins walked out, Charlie walked into the kitchen and immediately headed for the coffee. Darla, with careful timing, got out of her seat and managed to let him plow right into her knocking her to the floor. Darla gave him a furious look, "Watch where you are going!" She was furious because her plan hadn't worked. He was supposed to have caught her, leaving her pressed up against him and held in his arms, instead, now she was sitting on the floor desperately wanting to rub her throbbing bottom.

Charlie managed a sheepish grin, "Sorry, didn't see you there," before stepping over her and pouring himself a cup of coffee. Keeping his back turned to her, he allowed a grin to spread over his face.

Fred and George had quickly run back into the kitchen to help the pretty young witch to her feet, taking advantage of the moment to help her brush off her clothes, paying special attention to the back of her robes. "Thank you Fred, George, it is nice to see at least some of the Weasleys know how to treat a lady," Darla flounced out of the room with her nose in the air.

"Charles Weasley! I taught you better than that!" Molly began to scold her son.

Aurora interrupted before Molly could get into full tirade, "Molly, leave the boy alone. He knows exactly what he is doing."

Molly turned to Aurora, "What are you talking about? You can't mean to tell me you approve of how he has been treating your daughter?"

"Darla is used to boys falling all over themselves whenever she crooks a finger. Charlie has caught her attention by ignoring her, or treating her like an annoying younger sister. Now she will be doing everything that she can to attract his attention. She will chase him until he catches her."

Molly looked closely at Charlie, "Just what is your game, young man? She is a nice girl from a good family and I won't have you playing fast and loose with her."

Charlie grinned, "Mum, you have always told us that you knew as soon as you laid eyes on dad that he was the man you were going to marry," Molly nodded slowly. "Well, as soon as I saw Darla, I knew that she was the one. I also knew that the best way to get her attention was to pretend I didn't want it."

"Exactly how did you know this?" Molly asked suspiciously.

"I told him," Aurora said calmly. "As soon as I saw Charlie I knew that he was the one for Darla. I love my daughter but she can be headstrong so I figured a little help wouldn't be a bad thing."

Molly turned with renewed interest to Aurora, "Have you seen anything else? Like grandbabies?" she asked eagerly.

Aurora's face lit up, "Yes, you and I are going to be sharing lots of grandbabies."

"If there is anything I can do for you Charlie, you just let me know," Molly told her furiously blushing son.

Darla found Bill in the library dozing in an armchair. Sneaking up beside him she used his ponytail to tickle his neck. She had to stifle a shriek when he suddenly reached out and grabbed her pulling her into his lap.

"That was not nice," Bill said in threatening voice. "Now you must be punished."

"Please, sir, not punished," Darla pleaded trying not to laugh.

Bill sighed, "Okay. I'm too tired to punish you anyway," he yawned.

"You shouldn't have gone out last night with Cousin Pam," Darla said giggling.

"Yes, but she knows all the best clubs," Bill said cracking one slightly red eye to look at her.

"Don't you mean all the cheapest clubs," Darla asked.

"Cheap is sometimes good," Bill said. "Although I did take a hot shower with special soap when we came back, and I didn't drink anything unless it was served to me in an un-opened bottle at most of the places we went last night."

Bill noticed that while Darla was smiling it didn't reach her eyes, "So, how did it go this morning?"

Darla crossed her arms over her chest and huffed back against the arm of the chair, "Your plan worked fine, up until the part where he didn't catch me and I fell to the floor. I think I bruised something."

"Did he at least help you up?" Bill wanted to know.

"No, he said sorry he didn't see me and then stepped over me," Darla gave Bill a disgusted look, "I thought you said it was a plan guaranteed to work?"

"I'm sorry kid, it has always worked in the past," Bill told her looking surprised as he rubbed her back comfortingly. "Are you sure you want someone so dumb?"

Darla leaned her head on his shoulder. She and Bill had been talking last night at the reception the first time she had seen Charlie. He'd had to catch her to keep her from falling. Bill had helped her to a quiet corner and was going to get help for her. He wouldn't listen to her protests that nothing was wrong with her until she had finally broken down and explained what had happened.

Darla had reached up and touched his earring and told him exactly what breed of beast it had come from and how and where Bill had gotten it. Bill had taken that in stride. Being a curse breaker he had ran into stranger things. Seeing that Bill accepted that, Darla looked over at Charlie, "Do you know who that redhead is over there? I'm going to guess you do since there is a strong family resemblance."

"He's my younger brother Charlie, why?" Bill now was worried that maybe Darla had seen some disaster befall his brother, "Did you see something bad happen to him?"

Darla grinned at that, "Depends on what you define as a bad thing. I saw him getting married."

Bill decided it could be worse, "To whom?"

"To me."

Fred and George followed Alexis into the reception room. "Remus and Amber decided that although you didn't deliberately set out to ruin their reception," Alexis held up her hand to forestall any interruptions, "if you hadn't brought the bloody items, nothing would have happened. So you get the joy of cleaning up the mess your inventions caused. WITHOUT MAGIC."

"No magic," Fred wailed.

"It will take us all day," George complained.

"Yes, it will so you better get started," Alexis said grinning at them. "Brooms, mops, trash bags are over there," Alexis settled herself into a chair to watch.

With much grumbling and complaining the two began to pickup the mess. They had made a good start on cleaning up the trash when suddenly with a squawk Fred was now a flying piglet. He had bright canary yellow wings attached to a pig's body. The strangest thing was the feathered tail instead of a normal curly pig's tail.

"George, what happened to Fred? Surely you didn't let him eat anything?" Alexis was staring at what used to be Fred as he ran and jumped flapping his wings, coasting for a moment before crashing to the ground.

"One, I don't know what happened. Two, why would we eat anything, and finally," George said, "don't call me Shirley."

Alexis gave him an aggravated look before trying to hit Flying-Pig Fred with a stupefy charm. Fred was moving too erratically for her to get a good shot. He had crashed into a table when he popped back to normal.

"George, help me find the trash bag I was filling up, something in there turned me into the flying pig and I didn't even have to eat it! If we can figure it out, it would be the perfect prank!" Fred enthused.

George hurried over to the trash bag in question and began pawing through it. With a pop he became a strange combination of pig, canary and kitten. It was the ugliest thing Alexis had ever seen. Fred was yelling and running for the bag, "Don't move George, I want to see what you touched."

George, whonow had the head of a pig, the body of a kitten, a canary tail and was covered in a strange mix of cat hair and feathers, let out a squeal and took off running. Unfortunately his head was too heavy for his tiny kitten body and he fell over scraping his chin on the carpet. Fred managed to grab him just as he turned back into George.

Snape and Darien came in to find George sitting on Fred's lap and not too much cleaning done. "Alexis, I can see this is going to take a while. Darien and I are going to run out to a shop I know of to get some potion's ingredients."

Alexis gave them a nod and a smile as they left. She could hear Darien saying to Snape, "I thought those two were twins?" Snape could be heard responding and then Darien saying, "They seem awful close for brothers."

Alexis turned back to the two red-faced boys, "Go wash your hands and come back. It looks as if we are going to have to use magic or you two will be changing back and forth all day."

Fred whispered to George on their way out, "I told you it would work. Now we can use magic and get it done faster."

"Brilliant as always bro," George whispered back.

Charlie was packing in his room getting ready to return to Romania. Hearing the door open and close he didn't look up thinking it was Bill coming to finish packing. Charlie jumped about a foot when he felt soft hands run up his back and around his waist; Bill had never touched him like that!

Now there was a feeling of warm softness pressed up against his back and someone was nuzzling against him, "Bill, I've been hoping to catch you alone," Charlie heard Darla whisper against his back.

Charlie felt a stab of jealousy and hurt before retaliating in kind, "Stacie, I thought I told you not until tonight," Charlie said huskily.

"You…you…" the previously gentle hands were now digging painfully into his sides.

"Carla? Lona? Ouch what was that for?" Charlie grabbed the fingers that were now clawing and pinching him. Holding them he ducked out from under the arms and turned to face his tormentor, "Darla?" he managed with unflattering disbelief, "what are you doing in here? This is my room. I'm not sure where your room is," lying through his teeth, "but I'm sure someone knows if you have forgotten."

Charlie had to move quickly to avoid a kick Darla had aimed at a sensitive area, "Now see here, little girl, you could seriously hurt someone by doing that," he scolded her.

Darla was wiggling and squirming trying to get free to do damage to the annoying git. "I am not a little girl and I know you can seriously hurt someone that way. Why do you think I was trying to do it? I thought you were Bill," it was Darla's turn to lie. She had known that it was Charlie and thought this was one way to get his attention. She had been surprised at how angry it had made her when he called her by someone else's name. Now he was going to pay!

Charlie decided that it was time he got rewarded for his patience and self control. He let Darla's knee make contact with the outside of his leg and proceeded to fall back on the bed, turning at the last moment so that Darla was pinned under him on the mattress, "Now look what you have done," Charlie complained.

"ME!" Darla was almost incoherent in her frustration and resumed her squirming and wiggling much to Charlie's enjoyment.

"Yes, you. And now you have aggravated an old dragon injury and I cannot move," Charlie said pretending to grimace in pain while at the same time shifting so that he was pressed even closer to her.

Darla stopped moving and said, "Charlie, I'm sorry. Where does it hurt?" Now she was trying to free her hands so that she could soothe his pain.

Charlie released her hands and rested his head on her chest snuggling up against her, "It is my back."

Darla shivered at the feel of his breath on her skin, "What can I do to make it better?"

Charlie kept his head down, "Just let me rest here for a moment. Sometimes it stops all by itself."

Darla nodded while running soothing hands as far down his back as she could reach.

"Darla?"

"Yes Charlie?"

"I hate to ask this," Charlie paused.

"No, you can ask me anything, Charlie. I feel so bad about hurting you," Darla ran gentle fingers through his hair.

"It's just that the buttons on your robes are pressing into my face and it is really uncomfortable," Charlie told her.

"Oh that is simple," Darla said with a smile as she shifted the fabric on her robes so the buttons were over to one side.

That wasn't what Charlie had had in mind, "Thank you," he said rather petulantly.

"No problem, but Charlie, if your back isn't getting better maybe we need to call for someone. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to stay like this, I've already lost feeling in my legs," Darla said apologetically.

"Here let me see if I can help," Charlie shifted so that he was still pinning her but more of his weight was supported by the bed. He began rubbing her legs through the fabric of her robes.

"What are you doing, Charlie?" Darla managed to squeak out.

"I'm trying to restore the circulation to your legs," he told her with an innocent look.

"I think they are fine now," Darla breathed out staring into his eyes.

"If you are sure," Charlie said as he continued to stroke her.

Darla tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled his head down to hers, "I'm sure," she whispered against his lips.

"DARLA? WHERE ARE YOU? DARLA?"

Charlie and Darla sprang apart as though they had been electrically charged. Charlie rolled off of her with a groan as the voice came closer, "DARLA GET YOUR FAT ARSE DOWN HERE! MUM AND DAD ARE READY TO GO!"

"I am going to kill him," Charlie heard her mutter right before she yelled, "JUST A MINUTE YOU MORON!"

"WE ARE LEAVING IN TEN MINUTES WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!"

"OKAY!" she hollered back before rolling on her side to look at him, "Are you going to be okay?"

Charlie reached out a hand to push back a silky strand of hair, "I'll manage," he said bravely.

"I am sorry I hurt you," Darla said softly.

"I know you didn't mean to," Charlie told her forgivingly.

"Do you think I can OWL you while you are in Romania? Just to check and make sure you recover," Darla hastened to add.

"It would be nice to have someone to write to," Charlie admitted.

Darla moved closer, "I had fun this weekend."

"I did too," Charlie smiled trying to remember he was supposed to be in pain and not able to move.

"Well I guess I better go," Darla shifted even closer.

"Someone will be looking for you soon," Charlie moved his fingers to the back of her neck drawing her near.

"Yes, they will," Darla inched over some more.

BANG! The door flew open and hit the wall revealing Molly and Aurora in the doorway, "CHARLES WEASLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT INNOCENT CHILD?"

Darla jumped off the bed and turned on the two witches, "He wasn't doing anything and I am not a child! He hurt his back and I was trying to make sure he was going to be ok."

"And just why was it necessary for you to lay on the bed with him, young lady?" Aurora asked sternly.

"I AM NOT A CHILD!" Darla told them again. Turning to Charlie, she leaned down and gave him a brief hard kiss. "And I will do what I want with Charlie when I want to!" before storming out the door. They could hear her yelling at Darien, "WHERE IS MY LUGGAGE, YOU GREAT PRAT?"

Darien's response was lost in the sound of a slamming door.

Charlie folded his hands behind his head and gazed up at the ceiling savoring the memory of Darla pressed against him and the all too brief kiss. That was until Molly and Aurora appeared looming over him.

"You will not take advantage of her!" His mother told him, jabbing him in the chest with her finger.

"And while I support you two being together, **no** hanky panky," Aurora jabbed him a few times for good measure.

Charlie rubbed his chest and gave them a wounded look, "Yes, mothers."


	14. The Happiest Place on Earth

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

AN: This is a collaborative effort between me, Midnight Lily and Steve2. So if you don't like it… it's not my fault.

**Chapter 14 The Happiest Place On Earth**

_"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."  
Socrates._

Remus and Amber woke up early their first morning together as man and wife. They had spent the night in Paris and now were on their way to the Apparition Point to start their honeymoon journey. Amber had their tickets and travel itinerary out as they made their way to the Paris departure point.

"Where exactly are we going again?" Remus asked.

"Mum and dad used there regular travel agent. Marge said she knew the perfect honeymoon spot; a place in the states called 'The Magic Kingdom,'" Amber said reading from a brochure.

"I thought America was a democracy? I didn't realize they had any kingdoms over there?" Remus said. "It must be within their wizarding society."

Amber nodded, "That makes sense to me. Wow, look at the picture of the castle," Amber said. "It's not as big as Hogwarts, but then not many castles are."

Remus was looking at the picture, "I wonder if that is where the American school is for witches and wizards. It would make sense that they would keep it in the Magic Kingdom."

"This says The Magic Kingdom is the happiest place on earth," Amber continued to read from the brochure. "Take a walk down Main Street USA, visit Tomorrow Land and Fantasy Land. This place must be huge. I wonder how they hide it from the Muggles." Amber was letting Remus guide her in the queue for the Transatlantic Apparition Point while she continued to look through the packet of information.

They were next in line to depart. Remus handed their tickets to the attendant, "The Magic Kingdom, Florida, United States of America," she read aloud, "Have a pleasant trip. Just step into the circle and relax, on three, two, one, go."

There was a loud crack and suddenly Remus and Amber were in a bright room and another attendant was helping them from the dais they had Apparated onto, "Welcome to Florida, orange juice is available through that doorway over there, enjoy your visit."

Another attendant with a gorgeous tan was waiting in the next room. "Have a taste of Florida sunshine," holding out tiny paper cups of orange juice.

Remus and Amber both accepted a cup while looking around the room.

"Just follow the signs to baggage pickup and transportation," the smiling attendant told them cheerfully.

Taking Amber's hand, Remus led her from the room and followed the yellow signs until they came to another room where a large carousel was rotating. Every few moments a loud crack would herald the arrival of another set of luggage. Remus nabbed his and Amber's suitcases and headed out to transportation.

A tiny little man in a black suit and cap was holding up a sign "MR. AND MRS. R.J. LUPIN".

Approaching him cautiously, Remus said, "We're the Lupins."

"Come along then, no time to waste, the quicker there the quicker I can get back for my next fare," hoisting their luggage up until he resembled nothing more than a mound of bags with feet, the tiny man tottered off towards the door.

Remus and Amber followed their luggage, not exactly sure what was going on. They exited into the early morning coolness. They had left France at 8 AM and arrived in Florida at 2AM. The tiny man was dumping their luggage into the back of a long, black car. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he looked at the couple, "Ever hear of traveling light? Well get in, I can't leave without you. No matter how much I might like to," they heard him mutter as he opened the back door for them.

Remus bent over and stuck his head into the auto to check it out. He was not going to let his wife get in to a vehicle unless he was sure it was safe. He had just enough time to see that the vehicle was empty before he felt a shove on his rear and he went sliding across the slick leather seats and ended up with his face smushed against the opposite door. Amber let out a squeak as she was unceremoniously tossed inside as well.

Before they could get themselves sorted they felt a lurch and heard a horn blowing. Through the window of his car door, Remus could see a tiny arm with a tiny hand come out of the driver's window giving the horn blower the tiny finger.

Remus helped Amber sit up and then he reached forward and pressed a button that was marked with a down arrow. The dark glass separating the driver from the passengers slowly disappeared, "Where are you taking us?"

The little man looked at him in the rear view mirror, "To your hotel. And don't lower the glass again," he said forcefully as he pushed a button on the dash.

Remus watched the glass go slowly up before it stopped suddenly, "And don't touch anything back there, I just cleaned it up and I don't want to have to clean smudges off of my windows," with that the glass resumed its journey up.

Remus and Amber exchanged looks. "He must be related to Severus," Remus grinned.

They arrived at the hotel and the car door was opened by a uniformed bellman, "Welcome to the Disney Contemporary Resort," as he helped Amber out of the limo.

The tiny little driver had opened the trunk and was now tossing their luggage willy nilly onto the sidewalk. When he had finished unloading the trunk he hurried around and thrust a clipboard into Remus' hands, "Sign here, here and here."

Remus saw that everything had been taken care of including the tip so signed as quickly as he could being unused to using a ballpoint pen.

"Finally," was the last thing they heard as the tiny little man got back into his big black car and drove off.

"Don't mind Tank," the bellman advised,

"Tank?" Amber said confused.

"Yes, your driver. Don't tell me he forgot to introduce himself again?" The bellman was pushing their luggage on a rolling rack into the hotel.

"That tiny little man's name is Tank?" Amber asked in disbelief.

The bellman grinned, "That's his nickname and the only one he'll answer to. He's just like a tank, rolls right over anything that gets in his path. Don't rightly know what his real name is. Now you can call me Tink, 'Cause I like to tinker with things. Right this way to the front desk, you just want to sign in and then I'll take you up to your room," the loquacious bellman smiled at them.

"Thanks, Tink," Remus said as he and Amber headed up the foyer to the front desk.

"Welcome to The Disney Contemporary Resort, my name is Ms. Tunk. How may I assist you today?"

"I am Remus Lupin and this is my wife, Amber," Remus told the smiling night clerk.

"Do you have reservations?"

"Not too many. I mean we have never been to the States before and this is very different from England, but everyone has been very nice so far… well other than our driver… but everyone else has been very nice…" Remus trailed off as he realized what she meant. "Yes, they should be under Lupin."

"Ahh here they are Mr. Lupin, the honeymoon suite, congratulations. Here are your keys and your resort credit cards. All charges will be billed to the account that made the reservations. You can use them anywhere within the Magic Kingdom. Here are your park tickets. As guests of the resort you are allowed inside any of the parks an hour before they open to the general public, tomorrow it opens at 9 AM so you can enter anytime after 8 AM. The fireworks display is at 8 PM inside Disney World Park, the laser light show begins at 9 PM at EPCOT. If you have any questions or if there is anything I can do to make your stay more pleasant, please let me know."

Remus just nodded at the rapid fire information, "Thank you?" he said when she paused for breath.

"You are welcome Mr. Lupin. Now Tink will take you to your rooms," with a wave of her hand, Tink was behind them.

"Mr. and Mrs. Lupin just follow me," he trundled off with the luggage cart toward a double row of elevators. "The honeymoon suite. Now isn't that nice. I should have known right away with the glow your pretty little bride has. Me and the missus will be celebrating our fiftieth anniversary this year."

Tink led them out onto the fifth floor and down a long carpeted hallway. There were rooms on one side while the other side was open to the lobby and restaurant. There was a long narrow track that ran through the center of the hotel and out the other end stretching off as far as they could see. This was a far cry from The Leaky Cauldron. Taking the small stiff card that Ms. Tunk had said was the room key from Remus, Tink inserted it into a slot on the door and when a little green light lit up he opened the door and waved them inside.

Much to Tink's delight, Remus swept Amber off her feet and carried her over the threshold. Tink followed pushing the luggage trolley, "Here is the main room, with a king-sized bed, through here is the bathroom with whirlpool tub, you have a small sitting area over here and your balcony overlooks the pool. TV and remote are in the armoire, alarm clock and phone beside the bed and complimentary coffee maker is beside the sink. If you need anything just ring the front desk," he said as he unloaded the luggage.

Remus slipped some money into Tink's hand as he was exiting the room, "Thanks Tink."

Shutting the door, Remus looked to see how to lock it. Carefully reading the directions he was able to turn the deadbolt and slide the chain on.

Amber got up and began to unpack. Remus watched as she pulled a large bottle out of her case.

"What's that?"

"Oh, that's the pre-natal potion Severus made for me. Its chocolate flavored," Amber said licking her lips.

Remus found that unbearably arousing, "Come here and say that," he leered.

Amber had just taken a dose of the vitamin potion, "Not right now Remus, I want to unpack before everything gets wrinkled."

Remus stared at her. Until recently she had been chasing him down demanding attention. In fact he had been forced to start taking a strengthening potion in order to keep up with her.

"Are you feeling okay, Amber?" Remus asked her.

"Yes, why?" Amber was trying to decide if two doses of the pre-natal potion would be over doing it.

"You just seem a little distant lately," Remus came up behind her and hugged her.

"Don't be stupid, you know I love you," Amber kissed him on the cheek and then moved to finish unpacking. "I guess we better settle down for a nap so we will be well rested." Amber went into the bathroom and began to strip down, " So what do you want to do for the rest of the day? We can tour The Magic Kingdom and then watch the fireworks display tonight."

"Is that what you want to do on the first full day of our honeymoon?" Remus questioned.

"Either that or we can go to the EPCOT center and see what that is all about. Or there is a pool here at the hotel. Whichever you want to do is fine with me," Amber was changing into a nightshirt and pulling the covers down on her side of the bed. Being pregnant meant never having to say no to a nap, "You don't think this place is a Muggle resort, do you?"

"With a name like The Magic Kingdom?" Remus laughed as he got ready to get back in bed with his wife.

Remus smiled as he pulled out a vial Snape had slipped to him right before they left the reception. It was Viagerus Potion, Snape had told him it should be enough to last through the honeymoon. Remus never would have thought that Snape would turn out to be such a good friend. Taking a small sip of the potion, Remus stripped down to the buff and slipped into bed next to Amber. Snuggling down he was surprised to find Amber wearing a pair of his flannel pajamas and sweat socks. Slipping a hand under the top he found she also had on an undershirt. Remus finally reached soft silky skin and began to slide he's hand up to her breast. Gently caressing and pulling on her nipple he started to kiss her neck. An elbow to his stomach had him gasping for breath, "Not now Remus, I'm sleepy," Amber yawned.

Remus reared up to look down on his wife who was now snoring lightly. Remus was a gentleman, not an unthinking beast, well only during the full moon and that was a couple of weeks off. No meant no. Settling down beside Amber he took her into his arms and spooned around her. A sleepy pat on the arm was his reward.

Remus found it hard, literally, to fall asleep. He was wishing he had never taken that damn potion. The excitement from the last couple of days caught up with him and he was drifting off when Amber gave him another elbow to the ribs, "Remus I told you no. Now stop poking me with that thing and go to sleep."

Remus rolled over away from Amber so the results of taking the Viagerus Potion would no longer poke her. Hugging his pillow instead of his wife, Remus stared into space wondering if this was a portent of how the rest of his honeymoon was going to go.

Remus followed Amber down to the lobby where they were directed to the fourth floor concourse, "Can't we just Apparate to the entrance?" Remus looked suspiciously at the long, ultra-modern looking train that was straddling the narrow track far above the ground.

"No, they don't seem to allow that. Come on, everyone else is getting on." Amber took Remus by the hand and dragged him over to the cabin directly behind what looked to be an engine of some kind.

"Welcome aboard folks, just sit back and relax. We will be departing in just a moment," the driver gave them a friendly greeting.

Remus had Amber move all the way to the middle of the carriage. He wasn't taking any chances with either of them causing the train to tip over. There was a brief toot of a horn and he heard a muffled "All clear," from the rear of the train and a voice saying to step away from the doors. Remus and Amber watched as the doors swung shut all by themselves, "See, I told you this was a wizard resort," Amber whispered in delight.

"What did they say this thing was again?" Remus whispered to Amber.

"I heard moan-o-rail," Amber whispered back.

Just then someone began to talk. Remus looked all around wondering where the speaker was, Amber tugged on his arm, "They must be using a sonorous charm since it seems to be the guy that was in the caboose of the moan-o-rail."

Remus nodded his understanding trying to pay attention to what the man was saying, but the speed and the height they were traveling at was making him dizzy. He was used to flying a broom, but this was totally different. He was feeling a tad claustrophobic. Finally with a screeching halt and a jolt, they stopped. The doors opened again by magic.

Remus got off and forgot to watch his head, even though the voice had just reminded everyone, and gave it a jarring bump. Helping Amber down with one hand, he was rubbing his head with the other, "I can understand why they call it a moan-o-rail," he complained.

Amber pulled him over to an out of the way spot and made him lean down until she could see the bump. Pulling her wand out she muttered a quick healing spell before kissing it.

"Isn't that sweet, Herb? She kissed his bump to make it better, just like I used to do for you," Amber heard a tall, painfully thin older woman say to her short, chubby, balding husband.

"Yes, Gladys, but you never had to pull my head down," Herb chuckled.

"Oh, don't mind us. It is just so nice to see young people in love," Gladys smiled at the younger couple.

Amber smiled back, "We just got married two days ago."

"Congratulations, and from your accent you're British? Is this your first trip to Disney World?" Gladys gushed.

"Thank you, yes and yes," Amber laughed in answer.

"Come on Gladys, leave the young people alone. They just told you they are on their honeymoon and they won't want to be hanging out with two old farts like us," Herb said taking Gladys by the arm and starting to lead her away.

"Make sure you take the train ride around the park first, that will give you a better idea of what to see. And if you are going to eat dinner in the park you better go ahead and make reservations or you will end up eating hotdogs from a street cart. Don't forget to sign up for…" Gladys' voice trailed off as Herb continued to pull her away the last thing they heard was, "But Herb, I have to go to the bathroom."

"The natives are certainly friendly," Amber said. "I wonder where we would go to make dinner reservations."

After they had presented their tickets at the gate, they entered under the train station and stared down Main Street at Cinderella's Castle, "Wow, it is almost as pretty as the picture in the guidebooks." Amber said.

"Look, those must be some of the students," Remus pointed to a group of children about twelve years old all wearing similar clothes of shorts and t-shirts, "They certainly dress more casually over here."

"Well it is Sunday, perhaps they visit the town on Sundays instead of Saturdays," Amber said.

"Maybe," Remus shrugged. "Now the man at the ticket booth said to go to City Hall to make dinner reservations, that is… over there," Remus pointed to a building with the appropriate sign on it.

Entering the building they queued up with the rest of the guests. When their turn arrived they approached the counter and were greeted with a smile, "Good morning and welcome to The Magic Kingdom. My name is Tenk, how may I make your stay more enjoyable?"

"We would like to make dinner reservations?" Remus told him.

"Are you guests at one of the resorts?"

"Yes. The Disney Contemporary Resort," Remus replied.

"Do you have your hotel room key?" Tenk politely asked.

Remus handed it to him and he inserted it into a slot, "Mr. and Mrs. Lupin?" at their nod, "Where would you like to make reservations?" Tenk handed them their key back.

"Do you have any suggestions?" Remus asked stunned by the level of magic at the Magic Kingdom.

Tenk made some tapping noises, "How about six o'clock at the Crystal Palace?"

They shrugged, "Sounds good to us."

"Wonderful, dinner for two at six o'clock," Tenk pulled out a colorful map the likes of which they had never seen before, "You are here," Tenks circled a spot on the map, "and the Crystal Palace is here," he circled another spot, "the quickest way to get there this way," and he drew a line. "Any questions? Anything else I can help you with? Well enjoy your stay and any of the cast members will be happy to assist you." As they were turning to walk away, "Oh, and congratulations on your wedding."

Remus and Amber stared at him in shock before thanking him and heading out. When they were in the street Remus looked at Amber, "And you thought this place might be a _Muggle_ resort?"

Amber just nodded her agreement, "So where to now?"

Remus pulled out a brochure, "The only thing I don't understand is why the photos don't move," he complained.

"Maybe it is too expensive to make up so many brochures with moving pictures," Amber shrugged. "Or maybe American Muggles don't use moving pictures like we do."

"It is just very disconcerting to see all these people just stuck there," Remus complained jabbing a finger at some people watching a frozen parade, trying to see if they maybe just had to be urged to move. Giving it up as a lost cause, he looked around, "There's the train station and Gladys did say to take the train around the park and see it first."

"Sounds like a plan," grabbing Remus' hand Amber headed toward the train station.


	15. Back To Reality

Disclaimer: I don't claim anything.

AN: This is a collaborative effort between me, Midnight Lily and Steve2.

**Chapter 15 Return to Reality**

_No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public._

_Mark Twain _

Alexis poured Remus and Amber cups of tea before settling down beside Snape on the love seat in their quarters, "So, how was the Magic Kingdom?"

"Parts of it were amazing and others were frankly disappointing," Amber said. "The Haunted Mansion was perhaps the most disappointing. There weren't any ghosts but there were all these things that kept popping up and down. I asked one of the maids if the ghosts were on strike or something and she just looked at me as if I was crazy."

"The scariest place was the one called, It's a Small World," Remus couldn't control a shiver. "All those golems dancing and singing the same song over and over while you are trapped in a small boat."

"They had golems?" Snape asked.

"Yes, all over the place. I can't imagine the charms and wards they had to use to keep them contained. But I never saw any outside of the houses they had for them," Remus explained. "Each set of golems seemed to belong to a family and were contained within a special house. They let the guests ride in carts of various types through the houses and view them."

"Yes, and they must have captured every water sprite in America," Amber added.

"What do you mean?" Alexis looked puzzled.

"Some of the carts were actually boats that would float along by themselves. They either had them charmed or they had captured water sprites and were making them push the boats," Amber explained. "Although I did think that keeping all those animals under spells is cruel." At Snape's questioning look, "They have a tour of the jungle and they have bewitched elephants, apes, zebras and lots of other animals to stay around the river so the guests can view them. It makes the animals all stiff and fake looking."

"They did have the best preservations spells I have ever seen," Remus admitted. "The zombies they had in the Hall of Presidents were hardly decomposed at all. And they actually could enunciate clearly. Most of the time the tongue is so rotten you can't understand what a zombie is saying."

"Pomona would have loved the greenhouses at EPCOT," Remus said. "They were hydrophonic and the experiments they were doing were amazing. Hagrid and Charlie would have enjoyed the energy ride. They had the strangest looking dragons there. Only one of them had wings. I've never seen those species before."

"EPCOT had charmed water fountains. The water would actually dance to the music," Amber enthused. "Remus was trying to figure out what charm they had used and got splashed right in the face."

"At least I didn't scream at the Country Bear Jamboree," Remus nudged her.

"How was I to know the animal heads on the wall were charmed to talk and move? I've never even heard of a spell to re-animate animals much less make them talk," Amber defended herself.

"There were some things that we couldn't see because of Amber's pregnancy. Space Mountain was one. Not that I was all that interested in going into space. It would have been interesting to see what type of magic they used to get there though," Remus admitted.

"They also had something called Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, but it looked more like a lake and was maybe ten feet deep it that. The queue for that was way too long for us to even consider finding out what it was about," Amber told them.

"One of the families in the Magic Kingdom was having an open house, literally," Remus chuckled. "The Robinson Family actually live in a tree and they were allowing people to tour their home. It was amazing what they had done, but it was way too open air for me."

"All the steps were rather bothersome too," Amber added, "and I couldn't believe that none of the family was home to greet the guests: just seemed rude to me. I did enjoy the bird show. They had some of the smartest birds I have ever seen in the Tiki Room."

"It sounds like you enjoyed yourselves," Alexis said.

"We had a really good time. The strangest thing of all though is they almost seem to worship a mouse," Amber replied.

"Did you say they worship mice?" Snape sneered.

"Not mice: just one mouse. His name is Mickey and he must have accidentally gotten into an engorgement potion because he is about four feet tall. They have statues and pictures up of him everywhere. People even dress up like him. They sell hats with giant mouse ears on them. They have even fixed it so he has a mate, Minnie, who is a female mouse that is also about four feet tall. There are parades during the day to celebrate Mickey and Minnie. It was all very strange," Remus shrugged.

"The magic over there is very different. Although the school is out in plain sight, all the classrooms are hidden. You can walk right through the middle of the castle and out the other side and never see a student or even see where the stairs might be leading to the classrooms and dormitories," Amber explained. "Nothing like Hogwarts or Beauxbatons. And the school uniforms, they don't seem to have any single uniform. The students appear to mainly wear shorts and t-shirts with the occasional pair of jeans. Muggle studies must be very popular. I knew that American wizards didn't wear robes like we do, but I don't think I saw a single person wearing anything but Muggle clothes."

"That and the crazy costumes they had for the staff," Remus added. "The staff dressed up like all sorts of animals. Not just the Mickey and Minnie Mouse, but ducks, dogs and pigs as well as all sorts of others."

"Do you think they were trying to become Animagus'?" Snape asked.

"If they were it was the clumsiest attempts I've ever seen," Amber shook her head. "We brought you back some souvenirs." Amber opened her bag and pulled out two small packages and two larger ones. "These are for Nathair and Aleser," handing them the smaller ones, "and these are for you two."

Alexis opened the ones for Nathair and Aleser to reveal tiny little t-shirts with Mickey Mouse on them. "Those seemed to be the most popular of the school uniforms shirts," Amber explained.

Alexis handed Snape his gift and waited to see what it would contain. First out of the box was a black beanie type hat with two black plastic ears stuck on either side. Turning it around Snape saw that 'Severus' had been embroidered on the back. Next he found a straw that had been bent to form the outline of a round head and two round ears, "We got everyone straws. They are re-usable," Amber said with a grin.

Snape nodded his understanding while continuing to empty the box; a t-shirt with a short dwarf with a large nose on the front and then a rear view of the same dwarf on the back was next. The inscription under the dwarf was 'Grumpy'. "I got you that," Remus grinned.

"I'll remember that," Snape threatened. He removed the final item from the box. It was a set of thin stick-like rods in various colors with long feathers in matching colors attached to the rod.

"Those are self-inking quills," Amber explained. "The ink inside corresponds to the color of the quill. Although they aren't like any quills I have ever used before. They are very popular over there."

"Thank you, it was very thoughtful of you," Snape said with a grimace wondering how soon he could spill something acidic on that awful t-shirt.

Alexis began to rip the paper off of her present. She also had a hat. This one had a red bow on it and her name on the back. Her t-shirt had a young girl on it holding a frog up and inscribed underneath, 'I had to kiss a lotta' frogs to find my prince.'

"I picked that one out too," Remus grinned.

Alexis was careful not to look at Snape. She also had a straw and some self-inking quills. Getting up she gave Remus and Amber a big hug, "Thank you. I can't wait to wear my t-shirt to the next Hogsmeade visit."

Snape gave her an appalled look.

Amber reached into her bag and pulled out an unwrapped box, "We picked up some things for the rest of staff. We got this for Albus," holding up what looked like a small animal of some kind, "it is a coonskin cap," turning to show the tail hanging off the back, "although it is not real coonskin. We brought everyone else straws and self-inking quills."

"It sounds like you stayed busy the whole time you were there," Alexis commented while Snape just smirked.

"Oh yes, everything was so fascinating that all we did was come back to our hotel room and fall into bed, sleep for a few hours and then we were up and running again," Amber said as she fluffed the tail on Albus' hat.

Alexis looked at Remus who seemed rather tense. Snape was trying not to snigger as he thought of the little bottle of blue potion he had given Remus before he left.

"I'm really looking forward to seeing Madame Maxine again," Amber said as she settled back next to Remus. "When are they arriving for the Tri-Wizard Tournament?"

"This Friday," Snape responded.

"I can't believe that Hogwarts will be the first school to host the Tournament in over one hundred years," Remus said as he cuddled Amber. "Have you heard what the tasks are going to be?"

Snape answered because Alexis couldn't due to the charm Dumbledore had put on her, "Not really. I've heard some rumors but nothing definite."

"Whatever they are it should be pretty exciting," Remus said.

Snape decided that he could not wait for Halloween to carry out his plan. The Tri-Wizard Tournament delegates would be here and the fewer witnesses the better. He moved his plan of attack up to the Wednesday before Halloween.

Wednesday morning Alexis and Snape were eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Alexis looked up from her paper when an owl tore it trying to get her attention. Taking the letter she gave him a bite of toast and sent him on his way. "I wonder who this is from?" Alexis turned the envelope over looking for a return address before opening it up.

Out popped a bright orange jack-o-lantern singing, "Happy All Hallows Eve, You are as pretty as an autumn leave, Happy All Hallows Eve."

Alexis grinned, "I wonder who it is from? It's a little early but no matter. It is still a nice thought." At that the jack-o-lantern blew her a kiss and then began to recite,

"_There was a young man from Wales  
Whose yachting technique never fails.  
He dines on baked beans  
And plenty of greens,  
And his farts put the wind in the sails."_

Alexis blinked at the grinning pumpkin before turning to look at Snape, "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Snape said looking up from his paper.

"The limerick that thing just said," Alexis said waving at the floating jack-o-lantern.

"I heard it sing a truly atrocious song to you but nothing else," Snape told her.

The jack-o-lantern blew her another kiss and when Snape went back to his paper and spit pumpkin seeds at her before singing:

"_There was a young man from Leeds  
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.  
Within an hour  
His cock was in flower,  
And his balls were all covered with weeds."_

Alexis' was looking around the Great Hall, "Hush, you horrible vegetable, there are children present."

"What was that, Alexis?" Snape asked.

"You didn't hear it?" Alexis looked over at Snape. "You didn't hear the nasty limerick that vegetable sang?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Snape asked putting a hand to her forehead to check for fever.

"I am feeling fine," Alexis gritted out. "I am going to insist that Poppy check your hearing though," Alexis got up and stormed out of the hall followed by her pumpkin.

When Alexis got into the hallway, she turned to look at her floating nemesis who just spit more seeds at her before breaking into another song:

"_There was a young man from Australia  
Who painted his balls like a dahlia.  
Tuppence a smell  
Was all very well  
But thruppence a lick was a failure."_

Alexis smiled sickly at a couple of Ravenclaws who were passing by giving her strange looks as they headed to breakfast.

The pesky pumpkin had started a new song that had Alexis looking around for to make sure that there were no students anywhere within the sound of its voice:

"_Do your nuts hang low?  
Do they wobble to and fro?  
Can you tie 'em in a knot?  
Can you tie 'em in a bow?  
Can you throw them over your shoulder  
like a Continental Soldier?  
Do your nuts hang low? _

Do your nuts Flip Flop?  
Can you use them as a mop?  
Are they stringy at the bottom?  
Are they curly at the top?  
Can you put them in a shower  
With a giant daisy flower?  
Do your nuts Flip Flop?

Do your balls hang out?  
Can you shake 'em all about?  
When you try to tuck 'em in,  
do they just hang out?  
Can you roll 'em to the ground,  
with a clunk and a pound?  
Do your balls hang out?"

Alexis pulled out her wand and tried "Finite Incantatum." Nothing but another song:

"_There once was a talented terrier,  
Who liked to bite girls in the derriere.  
With a yip and a yap,  
He'd snip and he'd snap,  
And the fairer the derriere the merrier!"_

Alexis hurried off to her office with the damn pumpkin floating behind her now blowing raspberries at her. She managed to shut her door before the pumpkin could follow her in.

Sitting down at her desk she sprang up again with a disgusted cry. The raspberries had been full of pumpkin guts and now the back of her robes were wet and slimy. She tried a scourgify charm and all that happened was the mess spread even further.

When she found out who was responsible for this they were going to get it!

Taking off her robes and using them to clean the back of her chair she threw them on the floor next to the door. Damn and blast why hadn't she insisted on a fireplace in her office? Well, she didn't have anything to do today. She had planned to spend most of it in her office anyway working on the sex ed classes. The charm on the pumpkin would wear off and she could go on about her business.

Alexis was immersed in her lesson plan when a tapping had her waving her wand at the door, "Enter," not even thinking about what might be out there.

Her eyes widening in comprehension as the floating jack-o-lantern came into her office singing:

"_A nudist by the name of Roger Peet  
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet,  
But one chilly December  
He froze every member,  
And retired to a monkish retreat."_

"OUT," Alexis hollered while the pumpkin laughed at her.

"Silencio," was tried next and all it did was turn up the volume.

"Stupefy," now the jinxed jack-o-lantern was spinning as it floated around her.

A banishing charm had no effect and she was afraid to try a blasting curse. It would probably just multiply the nasty bugger. She put up a shield charm when it started blowing raspberries again. Looking around at the mess that was quickly becoming her office she wanted to bawl.

She had tried catching the damn thing, not really sure what she was going to do with it once she caught it… but at least it was doing something. It would float just out of her reach and then dip down to bop her on her head before darting out of reach again. She had taken her robes and attempted to use them to bag the blighter, but it had just spread more of the mess around her office.

She was sitting on the floor in a pool of pumpkin pulp peering at the pernicious pest when Snape came in looking for her to take her to lunch.

She had conceded defeat and was now singing along one arm wrapped around the pumpkin leaning on it as it continued to float,

"_A young man whose sight was myopic  
Thought sex an incredible topic.  
So poor were his eyes,  
That despite its great size,  
His penis appeared microscopic."_

She joined in on the next song as Snape just stared at her in disbelief.

"_God, bless my underwear  
My only pair.  
Stand beside them,  
And guide them,  
As they sit in a heap by the chair. _

From the washer,  
To the clothesline,  
To my dresser drawer,  
To my rear!

God, bless my underwear,  
My only pair.  
God, bless my underwear,  
Or I'll be bare."

"Alexis, are you ill?" Snape asked her cautiously.

Alexis just blew a raspberry and threw pumpkin goop at him. While the pumpkin was distracted and laughing she managed to grab its stem and began pulling on it, "Quick Severus help me, if I can just get the top off I can kill it," Alexis had a crazed look in her eyes.

"Calm down, Alexis, it is just a jack-o-lantern," Snape tried to sooth her.

Alexis was now rolling on the floor holding on to the stem with one hand and throwing wild punches at the pulling pumpkin, "No, Severus it is evil I tell you, **_evil_**."

She threw herself on top of the pumpkin and began trying to hold it still so she could get the top off, "If I can just get it open I can rip its guts out and that should end this torture."

Snape was now trying to pull Alexis off of the struggling vegetable, "Alexis, get a grip on yourself."

"**_No_**! Severus, you don't understand. This thing has been stalking me all day, singing horrible limericks and stupid songs, I must end its reign of terror," Alexis was frantically trying to claw off the pumpkin top.

"Alexis, I will kill it for you if you just calm down," Snape had wrapped his arms around her and was holding her down.

"You promise?" Alexis asked in a quavering voice.

"Yes," came Snape's quiet assurance.

Alexis sighed and allowed Snape to help her to her feet, "Kill the pumpkin, Severus."

"_I'll_ take care of the pumpkin; _you_ just slip down our staircase and into our quarters and get cleaned up," Snape told her.

"Promise you won't let it follow me?" Alexis begged. "I don't think I can stand another limerick."

"I promise."

"Thank you, Severus," Alexis threw herself into his arms covering him in even more pumpkin goop. "I love you. You are so brave!" Throwing a last glare at the still hovering jack-o-lantern she headed to get cleaned up.

Severus waited until she was well out of sight before waving his wand and the vegetable and grinning evilly, this was just part one of his revenge.


	16. Payback is Hell

Disclaimer: I don't claim anything.

AN: See Story Summary. Thanks to all who are reading and huge hugs and kisses to those who review.

**Chapter 16 Payback is Hell**

_Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't._

_A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is._

_Horace Walpole_

Snape finished taking care of the Jerk-o-Lantern and on his way back to his quarters called a house elf to clean up Alexis' office. When he entered the bathroom where Alexis was disrobing in order to start cleaning up, he was careful to hide his smirk, "Are you feeling better now?"

Alexis started and looked behind him, "Did you kill it, Severus?"

"Yes, it is gone. You have nothing to worry about," he told her while privately thinking, _at least for a little while._

Alexis smiled at him in relief before asking with a leer, "Do you have time to help me clean up?" running her fingers up to the top fastening of his robes.

"Well, maybe a quick cleanup," he smirked at her before stripping down and joining her in the shower.

Alexis came out of the bathroom toweling her hair dry with a very satisfied smile on her face. Slinky had the boys on a blanket on the floor. Alexis flushed bright red as she thought back to some of the things she had just screamed out. Slinky looked over at her and just grinned a toothy grin, "The young masters have to spend some time on the floor or they will not learn to crawl. Too many people are holding them too many times," he scolded her. Star was curled up on the very edge of the blanket keeping a watchful eye on Slinky and the boys. She was absolutely fascinated by the babies and Slinky had a hard time keeping her from getting in his way.

Snape came out of the bedroom dressed in fresh black robes and with a quick kiss to Alexis headed to his next class.

Alexis decided to work in the sitting room. She wasn't ready to face her office yet. Visions of prurient pumpkins kept floating in front of her eyes. Slinky brought her a sandwich as she had missed lunch being busy cleaning up.

A knock interrupted Alexis' review of her lesson plan. Waving for Slinky to stay with the boys, she got up to answer the door. Remus was standing in the hallway looking lost, "Remus, did I mix up the days and miss our lesson?" Alexis asked as she stood back to let him in.

"No," Remus said without his usual smile. "I need your advice."

"Of course. Anything I can do, you know I will," Alexis assured him as she offered him a seat.

Slinky had taken the boys into the nursery to give them some privacy.

"It's Amber. I don't think she loves me anymore. She says she does and most of the time she acts like she does, but, well… things haven't been what they were," Remus said blushing. "I was wondering if she had said anything to you?"

Alexis shook her head, "Only how happy she is with you and how much she loves you."

"This is embarrassing, but I don't know who else to ask," Remus said looking at Alexis. "But when Amber was first pregnant she was very loving. I mean _REALLY_ loving and now it is like someone hit a switch and turned her off."

Alexis was staring into the fireplace trying to think how to handle this. Finally she asked, "When did you notice the change? I mean did she start doing anything differently… other than that?"

"I can't really think of anything that changed," Remus said thinking hard.

"Did she change her diet, her sleep patterns, anything that might have caused this reaction?" Alexis was trying to point the way.

"She added chocolate to her diet and a few other things, but nothing strange. She is getting plenty of sleep. The only thing I can think of is she started taking that pre-natal potion Severus gave her. But you took that and it didn't change you that way, did it?" Remus asked anxiously.

"The potion Severus prepares for Amber is slightly different from the one he prepared for me," Alexis said cautiously. "He makes it in chocolate flavor for Amber."

"Didn't he make it in chocolate flavor for you?" Remus asked remembering all the whining Alexis had done about craving chocolate.

"No, he told me he couldn't make it in chocolate flavor," Alexis said giving him a steady look wondering if the lack of physical stimulation was affecting Remus' intelligence. After all, the blood was being directed away from his brain depriving it of much needed oxygen.

"Then how could he make it for Amber in that flavor?" Remus asked confused.

"He added an ingredient to her potion. Perhaps it changed something," Alexis offered with a significant look. She could almost see the light bulb go off over Remus' head as he finally caught on.

"That **_bastard_**! And then he gave me the Viagerus potion to take on our honeymoon," Remus was clenching his hands into white knuckled fists.

"He did _what_?" Alexis asked trying not to giggle.

"He gave me a bottle of Viagerus potion before we left, saying since it was our honeymoon, I might need it. It was the LAST thing I needed, let me tell you," Remus said adamantly. "You've got to help me."

"Do what?" Alexis looked at him wide-eyed.

"Get him back of course," Remus said as if that were the only logical action.

"You want me to help you arrange and execute a plan of revenge against my own husband, the man I love and respect above all others, the father of my children, my soul mate?" Alexis grinned at him.

"Yes," Remus replied succinctly.

"I just wanted to make sure I was clear on that. What do you have in mind?" Alexis smirked.

"No, I won't do anything that will permanently scar Severus," Alexis told Remus for the fifth time.

"It would only be a small scar and it would only be noticeable when he took his pants off," Remus urged.

"NO! And you cannot tattoo across his arse 'Snape is a poopoo head'. Not only is that childish but I happen to like his arse as it is," Alexis told the frustrated man.

"How about if I just paint it across his arse?" Remus asked hopefully.

"Maybe, but not in permanent paint, it would have to come off after a couple of washes," Alexis warned him, "and what is it with you and Amber and shaving people bald, painting them blue, stripping them naked and locking them outside? Sheesh, that is what Amber wanted to do to Fred and George."

"What's the fun in not using permanent paint? And when you come up with a good idea, you don't just abandon it due to some technical difficulties," Remus exclaimed. "Look, you come up with something then. You came up with all those Valentine's pranks, I would think coming up with one small act of revenge would be easy for you."

"What Valentine's pranks?" Alexis asked trying to appear innocent.

"Don't give me that. I know you were responsible for Severus' Valentine's Day Massacre," Remus told her while racking his brain for something to do to Snape.

"How do you know that?"

"Severus told me."

"How did he find out?"

Remus smirked at her, "You told him."

"_When_?" Alexis asked indignantly.

"The night of Amber's party, you got sloshed and told him," Remus was grinning at her now.

Alexis' mind was racing, "He was the one behind the mad jack-o-lantern. That great git! Acting like he was rescuing me from his own twisted creation. Okay, now we really have to get him."

"That is what I have been saying all along," Remus complained.

Alexis shut him up with one look and began to plot and plan.

The plan really was rather simple. They were surprised they hadn't thought of it before, now all they had to do was see it through…

Remus found Snape in the Potion's classroom cleaning up before heading to dinner, "Severus, I need some more of the Viagerus potion."

"You need some more Viagerus potion? I thought you said that all you and Amber used your hotel room for was to sleep?" Snape looked surprised.

"Severus, don't tell me you are so plebeian that you and Alexis have never been a bit adventuresome in the locals you chose?" Remus waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I mean limiting oneself to just a hotel room, how absolutely boring."

Snape huffed. He was not boring and he had the painting to prove it. He bet Remus had never painted a masterpiece on Amber with edible body paint. But something wasn't right here. "Does Amber need anymore of the pre-natal potion? I might as well brew her some if I am going to brew you some more Viagerus," Snape offered casually.

"Not that I know of, in fact she accidentally forgot to take it with her on the trip and so she still the last batch you made for her." Remus said cheerfully. "Speaking of Amber she wanted me to ask you something."

"What?" Snape said shortly.

"She wanted some ideas on what to get Alexis for her birthday," Remus told him.

"Alexis' birthday?" Snape had a deer in the headlights look.

"Don't tell me you forgot her birthday? _AGAIN_?" Remus asked smirking at him in a Snape-worthy manner.

"What do you mean again?" Snape sneered.

"Well you forgot it last year and it looks like you forgot it **again** this year?" Remus needled him.

Snape was frantically searching his brain trying to remember when exactly Alexis' birthday was, "I have not forgotten it," he stated firmly, "I just haven't gotten around to planning for it yet."

"You really like to wait until the last minute," Remus said with a hint of admiration in his voice, "I mean her first birthday after your marriage and you are waiting until two days before it to plan anything. Nothing like working under a little bit of pressure."

Snape did some quick calculations. _Friday_, he thought, _her birthday is Friday_. _But what do I get her?_

Remus was enjoying himself. Watching the vague look of panic flicker in Snape's eyes, "I mean, when she told Amber she had never had a surprise party Amber thought about throwing her one, but with you being her husband and all, Amber figured you would want to handle that."

"A surprise party?" Snape looked a Remus hoping he had heard him incorrectly.

"Yes, Alexis said she has never had a surprise party before in her whole life. Of course with her having been in a coma all those years, she didn't have a party at all during that time. And then you forgot her birthday last year, so you really need to do something special to make it up to her," Remus urged.

"She really wants a surprise party?" Snape asked again.

Remus just nodded his head.

"A small intimate gathering of just the four of us?" Snape pulled quill and parchment over to begin making notes.

"Severus, Severus, Severus," Remus gave Snape a look filled with pity. "Do you really think that having a party with just the four of us is going to make up for all those she missed all those years she was comatose **and **make up for the fact that your **forgot** her birthday last year?"

"The four of us and the rest of the staff?" Snape tried, Remus shook his head in denial. "The four of us, the rest of the staff, the Weasleys and the Doffs?"

Remus continued to shake his head while Snape said, "The four of us, the rest of the staff, a few of the students and the Weasleys and the Doffs?"

"Well, that would be the absolute minimum you could get away with. If you want her to think you only love her that much, I guess you could do that?" Remus said doubtfully.

"The whole bloody school and everyone in the wizarding world that we have even briefly spoken to more than once?" Snape gritted out.

"Do you think you could arrange that in less than three days?" Remus said looking impressed.

Snape just buried his face in his hands wondering how the day that had started so nicely was now ending up so badly. Snape looked up with renewed hope, "Narcissa Malfoy," he said grabbing a fresh sheet of parchment.

"What about Narcissa?" Remus asked.

"She can throw together a surprise party for Alexis in a day and a half. Why didn't I think of that sooner?" Snape was smirking.

"I guess that would work," Remus looked doubtful.

"Why would it not work?" Snape snarled.

"Do you really want Alexis to know that you had another woman plan her surprise birthday party? I mean doesn't that just shout out that you forgot her birthday and had to call in the Calvary?"

Snape was ready to hex Remus, "Either come up with something constructive or get the hell out of my dungeons," he growled.

"That's a nice way to talk to someone who is trying to help you," Remus said indignantly.

"Well then actually say something that is going to help me," Snape hissed.

"I don't think you are really going to be able to arrange a surprise party in the time you have," Remus said shaking his head.

"Then do you have any actual suggestions that I could actually use?" Snape sneered.

"Hey, I was coming to you for suggestions. She's your wife after all. I mean you should know her better than anyone else," Remus said pointedly.

Snape snarled at him.

"Well, I guess I can tell you what I did for Amber's birthday. She really enjoyed it," Remus smiled as though he was remembering how she had expressed her appreciation.

"Well?" Snape sniped, "What did you do?"

"She turned twenty-five so I got her twenty-five roses in her favorite color of lavender. I took her out to a nice dinner in Hogsmeade. Then when we got back to the house I had a box of Huneydukes best chocolates and a bottle of champagne waiting. The bed was covered in rose petals and there were candles everywhere," Remus reminisced.

"Alexis will be twenty-two this year and the delegations from the other schools will be arriving that night so I don't think I could arrange to have the night off to take her to **London** for a nice dinner. But maybe I could arrange to have the next night off and take her to a nice little bed and breakfast. But what about the boys?" Snape said thinking aloud.

"Amber and I will be happy to take the boys for the night," Remus offered. "After all you did for our wedding it is the least we can do."

Snape looked at Remus, "Thank you, Remus." Snape almost felt guilty about the pre-natal potion. Almost.

Friday morning arrived and Snape had everything planned and in place. Remus had been a tremendous help in arranging everything. Snape didn't know how he would have managed to do it all without his help.

He escorted Alexis into the Great Hall. A quick glare at his house table had all the Slytherins standing up. Alexis looked from them to Snape who was giving her a small smirk. He nodded at his students and reluctantly and off key they began to sing:

"_Happy Birthday, now you're one year older.  
Happy Birthday, your life still isn't over.  
Happy Birthday, you did not accomplish much.  
But you didn't die this year I guess that's good enough. _

So let's drink to your fading health, and hope you don't remind yourself  
your chance of finding fame and wealth decrease with every year.  
Does it feel like your doing laps, and eating food and taking naps,  
and hoping that some day, perhaps, your life will hold some cheer.

Happy Birthday, what have you done that matters?  
Happy Birthday, you're starting to get fatter.  
Happy Birthday, it's downhill from now on.  
Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone.

Happy Birthday, you wish you had more money.  
Happy Birthday, your life's so sad it's funny.  
Happy Birthday, how much more can you take?  
But your friends are hungry so just cut the stupid cake.

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Dear Madame Snape."

Alexis' smile looked more like a grimace as she nodded at the Slytherins who were sneering at the rest of the students daring them to say anything. Alexis cleared her throat several times before getting out, "Thank you, please return to your breakfast."

The students complied with relief as Snape escorted Alexis to her seat at the head table. Alexis noticed that there were balloons attached to the back of her usual chair and a pile of gaily wrapped gifts waiting on her. Snape pulled out her chair and helped her sit down before motioning to Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Zambini, and Parkinson who approached the table each carrying a basket overflowing with roses in every color that roses come in.

"Happy birthday," Draco smirked as he handed her the basket of roses. Alexis pulled him down to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you," she mumbled.

Each of the Slytherins repeated the birthday wish and presented her with their basket of roses. Crabbe and Goyle almost tripped over themselves when Alexis kissed their cheeks as well. The presentation finished, Snape sent them back to their seats at the Slytherin table. Snape looked unbearably smug as he said loud enough for everyone in the hall to hear, "Happy Birthday, Alexis."

All the girls in the hall were sighing at the romance of it all. Who would have thought that Professor Snape would have it in him to do something so romantic? In fact it looked as if Mrs. Snape was about to cry she was so happy.

"Thank you, Severus," Alexis said quietly. In fact it was just loud enough that if the hall hadn't been so quiet waiting on her response to this grand gesture no one but her immediate neighbors at the head table would have been able to hear the rest of her comments. But everyone was holding their breath waiting and wondering what someone could possibly say to express their gratitude, "However, it would have been nice if you had remembered my birthday last year."

Her comments were quickly passed to the back of the room in hurried whispers. Snape was now getting looks of disgust and pity. He could hear the waves of comments flowing out over the room… he forgot her birthday last year!

Alexis had her face buried in her flowers. Minerva reached over and handed her a handkerchief. Snape looked at Minerva who just sniffed at him before putting a comforting arm around Alexis.

"Severus, you really must love me to have done all this for my birthday. Especially since you didn't do anything to remember it last year," Alexis was dabbing at her eyes. Poppy had gotten up and was patting her comfortingly on the back while giving Snape dirty looks.

Alexis got up and threw her arms around the startled Potions Master, "The only thing that could have made it even better is if you had actually done it for me _on_ my birthday which was yesterday," Alexis sobbed out loud enough for the whole hall to hear.

"Yesterday?" Snape was awkwardly patting her back.

"Yes, October 29th is actually my birthday," Alexis covered her face with the handkerchief and ran out of the hall with her shoulders shaking.

A renewed mutter ran through the hall, "He got her birthday wrong! After completely forgetting it last year!"

Snape stormed out of the hall furious. He was going to find that mangy wolf and Alexis would have a wolf skin rug for her birthday.

Snape flooed Remus and snarled at him, "Lupin!"

"What can I do for you this morning, Severus?" Remus asked smiling.

"You can explain to me why you told me Alexis' birthday is today when it was actually yesterday?" Snape snarled.

"I never told you her birthday was today," Remus defended himself.

"You told me Wednesday, that her birthday was in two days. That would mean that her birthday would be TODAY!"

"Not at all, Severus," Remus explained calmly. "Wednesday was day one and Thursday would have been day two."

"Only if you are a complete moron," Snape sneered.

"There is no reason to be insulting because _YOU_ messed up _YOUR_ wife's birthday," Remus said coolly.

Snape was almost incoherent in his rage. Taking a deep breath he growled, "You will meet me in my office today at lunch time and help me fix this mess that you have gotten me into," Snape pulled back out of the flames before Remus could protest.


	17. You Say It's Your Birthday

Disclaimer: I still don't own it.

**Chapter 17 You Say It's Your Birthday**

_"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused."  
- Shirley Maclaine_

Snape was on his way to teach his first class when Draco Malfoy stopped him in the hall, "Professor?"

"What?" Snape snarled.

Draco held out a bit of parchment, "Here's the name of father's jeweler. If you tell him I sent you he will give you a good price on a little something for Mrs. Snape," at Snape's glower. "It's what father does whenever he forgets mother's birthday."

Snape watched as Draco turned and headed to his first class. Looking down at the paper in his hand he carefully stowed it in an inside pocket of his robes.

It was midmorning and Snape had a free period. There was a very timid knock on his office door, "Enter," was the unwelcoming growl.

The door cautiously crept open and to Snape's immense surprise Neville Longbottom was standing there trembling, "Ppprrroofffeessor Snape," he managed to stutter out.

"What is it, Mr. Longbottom?" Snape sneered.

"I thought… well I just remember… I mean I know…" Neville was still hovering in the doorway.

"Spit it out, Mr. Longbottom, I don't have all day," Snape spat out.

"I-forgot-my-grans-birthday-one-time-and-she-forgave-me-when-I-gave-her-some-of-her-favorite-flowers," Neville said all in one breath. He pulled a large bunch of snap dragons out from behind his back and held them out to Snape. "I heard Mrs. Snape tell Professor Sprout that snap dragons are her favorite. When I saw some in bloom at the Green House, I asked if I could have them. Here," Neville thrust them toward Snape.

Snape took the bunch noticing that they had been carefully wrapped in paper and a bow tied around them, "Why?"

"They're her favorites," Neville said looking confused.

"No why would you…" Snape trailed off unable to finish his question.

"Oh, well I've had lots of practice apologizing for forgetting stuff so I thought this was one time I might be able to…" it was Neville's turn to trail off.

Snape looked at Neville before nodding once, "Five points to Gryffindor, Mr. Longbottom. Now get out of my office."

Neville gave him a small grin before leaving.

Snape left his office to begin teaching his second class. Tension was high in the sixth year Gryffindor-Slytherin double potions classroom. Snape noticed that instead of being split by house, his room was now split by gender. All the females were seated on one side of the room; still mainly by house affiliation, while all the males were seated on the opposite side of the room.

The boys were giving him looks of sympathy while the girls were glaring daggers at him. Snape thought to himself, _This is going to be a long day._

Lunch time finally arrived. Snape had been sending notes to Alexis all day and had looked for her between his classes. She was nowhere to be found and all the notes were returned unanswered. When Remus knocked on the door, Snape jerked him inside and slammed the door behind him, "What took you so long?" he demanded.

"It is just lunch time," Remus told him.

"You have got to fix this mess that you caused," Snape told him.

"_I_ caused?" Remus asked indignantly.

"Yes, _you_," Snape was adamant. "If you had been more specific about the actual date of her birthday this never would have happened."

"Well, I will admit to feeling slightly as though an extremely miniscule amount of this could possibly, _maybe_, be partially my fault," Remus conceded. "So I talked to Alexis before I came to see you."

"What? Where is she?" Snape demanded.

"Hmmm? Oh she, Amber, and Darien are holed up in an old Potion's classroom about three doors down from here," Remus told him.

Snape immediately headed for the door. "Where do you think you're going?" Remus asked him.

"To see my wife," Snape stated one hand already on the doorknob.

"She won't see you yet," Remus informed him, "and they have locked and warded the door."

"Why not?" Snape hissed.

"Alexis wants you to be proud of her. So she is working on something for your birthday. When is your birthday by the way?" Remus questioned.

"Never mind about my birthday; what is Alexis working on?" Snape snarled.

"Oh, she had Darien bring over all sorts of potion's books. She found one that she is going to make. They wouldn't tell me what it is supposed to do, but Darien said it was really complicated. And I think Amber mentioned something about lust… or was it dust… anyway Alexis is determined to do this for you. Darien said that some of the ingredients are really rare and hard to come by. You would probably be the only one who would know where to get them," Remus finished.

"Are you sure Amber and Darien are going to be helping her brew this potion?" Snape insisted.

"Yes, they made her promise not to try anything without them both being there," Remus said, "Why?"

"Because Alexis has trouble brewing coffee, much less a complicated potion," Snape hissed.

"But she made those potions for me last Christmas," Remus contradicted.

"Poppy made those potions while Alexis handed her the ingredients, AND Poppy had to watch what Alexis handed her because twice she gave her the wrong ingredients," Snape sighed. "Alexis understands the how and the why of potions, she just can't put it all together. She came up with the idea for making the potion for you, and she worked out what ingredients would work the best. She just couldn't brew them together to save her life."

Remus nodded his understanding. Amber was wonderful at everything but cooking. She couldn't boil water either the magical or the Muggle way. The last time she had made him breakfast, Remus had to pour his omelet into the African violet pot sitting on the kitchen table. Then he had to replace the plant after it keeled over.

"Do you have the list of ingredients she needs?" Snape sneered.

"Yes, hold on a minute," Remus pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket. "One box of chococrocs, one," Snape interrupted.

"What the hell are chococrocs?" he wanted to know.

"It says here, chocolate covered crocodiles. They cannot be more than two feet in length and the chocolate coating has to have been applied during the dark of the moon on the first Saturday of any month beginning with a 'J'."

"And she needs a whole box of them?" Snape asked. When Remus nodded, "How do you get chocolate covered crocodiles into a box?"

Remus referred to his parchment. "Very carefully," he read.

Snape nodded, "What else?"

"A dead ghost," Remus read from the list.

"What in the world is a dead ghost? I mean a ghost is already dead so how can you have a dead one?" Snape was getting even more frustrated.

"It is the final ecto-plasmic essence of a ghost that is crossing over. You have to collect it in a special flask or it will dissipate," Remus lectured. "Perhaps you can talk The Bloody Baron into crossing over? I mean after all he has been haunting Hogwarts for eons."

Snape glared at him. Remus shrugged, "Perhaps you can convince Binns it is time for him to retire?"

Snape growled. "I'm trying to help you!" Remus gave him an innocent look.

"Then explain to me exactly where Alexis came up with all these ingredients? I have been teaching potions for fourteen years and I haven't heard of them before," Snape demanded.

"It is a really old, old, old potions book that Darien found while he was a student at Beauxbatons. In fact, although he won't admit it, he may have nicked it from the school library," Remus continued. "It is so old that it is actually written in a French dialect that neither Darien nor Amber are familiar with. So the translation may be slightly off."

"So you don't even know if these are real ingredients?" Snape accused.

"Darien is positive that these translations are correct," Remus assured him. "Well at least ninety-five percent positive. But that is close to completely positive."

Snape started rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Are there any other ingredients?"

"Just a few more," Remus told him, "The breast feather of a dodo bird."

"But dodos are extinct, how am I to get a breast feather?" Snape sniped.

"That is one translation that Darien is only about seventy-five percent sure of," Remus confessed, "it could actually be the dress leathers of a day old Kurd."

"_WHAT?_"

"Kurd's wrap their babies in leather dresses. It is a practice that went out of fashion about two hundred years ago," Remus said. "Alexis wants both if you can get them, just to be on the safe side."

"Spanish Moss from a cypress tree collected under the light of a waxing moon while standing naked in wooden shoes," Remus went on.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape said.

"That is the last ingredient Alexis needs you to get for her," Remus told him.

"How sure is Darien of that translation?" Snape asked dryly.

"He is one hundred percent sure of it," Remus grinned. "Well everything but the naked in wooden shoes part that is."

"So perhaps I could remain clothed while collecting this specimen?" Snape asked flatly.

"Not exactly, he is sure that you have to be naked. He just not sure if they are wooden shoes or with no shoes," Remus said apologetically.

Snape just groaned.

The last class of the day was dismissed early so that the delegations for the Tri-Wizard Tournament could be welcomed properly. Snape was gathering his stuff together wondering how he was going to be able to obtain the ingredients he needed. The sound of a throat clearing had him looking up to see Blaise Zambini waiting, "What is it, Mr. Zambini?"

"Professor Snape, I don't know if you realize it or not, but my family owns Fantastic Furriers," Blaise told him proudly.

"And why would that interest me?" Snape asked coldly.

"Because I have arranged for you to purchase any fur in the store at cost plus five percent. I was thinking a nice present like that might go a long way to smoothing things over with Mrs. Snape." Blaise gave him a wink, "Us men have to stick together after all."

Nodding briefly and wishing that a simple purchase could really smooth things over, Snape told him, "Thank you. You had better hurry or you will be late."

Before he could leave, Snape was interrupted again. This time by Ginny Weasley, "What is it Miss Weasley?" Snape sneered.

Ginny gave him a long look before saying, "Dad has forgotten mum's birthday and their anniversary loads of times. Now one of us makes sure to remind him, but mum always forgave him. After making him suffer some," Ginny grinned. "I just thought you needed to know you aren't the only one who forgets."

Snape didn't have a chance to say anything before Ginny had left the room. Snape could feel a massive headache coming on. He had known that being married would involve some changes and compromises: but, he had never even entertained the thought that he might actually be the object of sympathy for any of his students. It was insufferable. He was willing to sacrifice a lot to make Alexis happy, but his pride and dignity must remain intact. He must have the fear of his students in order to maintain control in the classroom. He would just have to show them that he didn't need their gestures. Snape straightened up, holding his head high; he could smooth things over with his wife without anyone's assistance. He was strong, intelligent and able. Striding from the classroom Snape felt better able to handle whatever else might come at him.

Moments later he came hurrying back in and disappeared into the store room. Emerging he was carrying a large bouquet of Snap dragons and pulling a slightly crumpled piece of parchment from his pocket. _Waste is a terrible sin,_ he thought self-righteously.


	18. Impossible Possibilities

Disclaimer: I still don't own it.

**Chapter 18 Impossible possibilities**

_**"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."  
- A.H. Weiler**_

Remus caught up with Snape right before he was leaving to join the rest of Hogwarts in waiting to greet Beauxbatons and Durmstrang schools. "Severus, wait up," Remus called.

"What is it now Lupin?" Snape sneered.

"Look, this will be quick but I think you will want to hear it in private," Remus said seriously.

"What now?" Snape asked tiredly.

"I really don't know how to tell you this other than to just say it," Remus paused. "Alexis thinks it would be a good idea for you to find someplace else to sleep tonight."

"What?" Snape gritted out from between clenched teeth.

"She is changing the locking charms and warding the rooms so that you cannot get in. She said that normally she would go home to her mother, but since her mother is dead she is going to change the locking spells on your rooms. Look, Severus, she is just mad and hurt. Amber is going to talk to her so this should only be for a couple of nights. A month at the most," Remus told him.

"A _MONTH_? Where am I going to stay for a night much less a month?" Snape leaned back against his desk.

"I'm sure you could kip with Filius," Remus said.

"Have you ever been to his quarters? Everything is sized for him. There is no way I would even fit in his room, much less be able to sleep on his couch," Snape snarled.

"I'm sure Hagrid and Fang would find room for you," Remus offered.

"Bah, I couldn't survive the drool and I wouldn't trust him not to relieve himself on my leg," Snape said pacing furiously.

"I'm sure Fang is house trained," Remus assured him.

"I wasn't referring to the dog," Snape sniped.

"I understand there is room in the Gryffindor dorms," Remus said slyly.

"Bite your tongue, I am a Slytherin born and bred," Snape said haughtily.

"But you married a Gryffindor; I believe that makes you an honorary Gryff…" Remus smirked at him.

Snape interrupted, "Finish that sentence and you will truly understand the meaning of pain."

"Harry Potter told me there was an extra bed in his dorm," Remus shrugged.

"It must be closer to the full moon than I realized," Snape said. "That is the only explanation I can find for you making such a ludicrous suggestion."

"Actually I just like watching your nostrils flare whenever you hear the name Harry Potter," Remus sniggered, "Harry Potter… Harry Potter. It is fascinating how they flare just that tiny bit at the sides," Remus dropped the finger he had been using to point at Snape's nostrils because it looked like Snape was about to take a bite out of the offending digit.

Remus backed up slightly, "Look, you are going to be late. Worse comes to worse you can sleep in the teacher's lounge.

Snape snarled as he stormed out followed by Remus.

Snape finally caught up with Alexis in front of the castle. She was standing with Darien and Amber waiting with everyone else. Slipping up behind her, he reached around and held out the bouquet of snap dragons. "Nice try, Severus," Alexis sniffed, "but obviously you don't respect me enough to make sure you remember my birthday. So until I finish the potion and make you proud, I just… I can't … you will have to understand," Alexis stood stiffly.

"Alexis, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this," Snape hissed behind her. He smirked as he watched her shiver at the feel of his breath on her neck. At least he still had that going for him, "After the welcoming feast we will retire to our chambers and discuss this like rational adults."

"I don't think so Severus," Alexis said quietly.

Snape was starting to get mad, "Alexis," just then the Beauxbatons' house-sized carriage could be seen approaching, "we WILL discuss this later."

Alexis managed to give Snape the slip before the welcoming feast was over. Determined to get this settled once and for all, Snape headed to their rooms. On the way he was once again accosted by Remus, "Snape, we have to talk. This is getting totally out of hand."

"What is it now Lupin?" Snape snapped.

"Amber just told me that she has to support Alexis through this trying time," Remus complained.

"And?" Snape asked sarcastically.

"My wife has decided to stay with your wife until your wife forgives you," Remus stated. "Now, that is totally unacceptable. What are you going to do about your wife?"

"Come with me, this has gone on long enough," Snape swept down to the dungeons.

He snarled when he found that the locking charms had been changed and began throwing spells at the door until there was a sudden bang and the door and part of the wall disappeared, "Honey, I'm home," Snape sneered.

"What?" Alexis and Amber were staring at the hole where the door used to be.

"Remus, I believe that belongs to you," Snape said pointing at Amber, "I suggest you take her home."

Remus walked over and began to urge Amber from the room. Amber just stared from Snape to the devastation he had wrecked, "Yes, Remus, I think I would like to go home," she said weakly.

When they had left, Snape cast another spell and the door and wall were repaired, "Now, Alexis, I believe we have some things to discuss."

Alexis was just staring at him blinking slowly. Snape walked up to her, "Alexis, are you ready to discuss this like a rational adult?"

Alexis looked up at him and slowly shook her head.

"Alexis, I apologize for messing up your birthday, but locking me out of our rooms is not the way to deal with it," Snape reasoned. "You made it clear that open communication was imperative to the success of our marriage."

Alexis placed a finger over his lips. Snape looked puzzled but stopped talking. Alexis grabbed the collar of his robes and pulled him down to her, "This doesn't mean that you don't have to get me those ingredients, but damn you're sexy when you go all powerful wizard on me," and with that she jumped him.

Snape decided once again that he would never understand this woman in his arms, as he carried her into their bedroom.

Alexis woke up with Snape wrapped around her. He had one leg thrown over her; his left hand was tangled in her hair; and, his right arm was around her waist and his right hand was on her stomach. There was no way she could get out of the bed without waking him, "Severus," she said wiggling experimentally.

His hand tightened in her hair and his arm pulled her closer, "Severus, I need to get up," Alexis wiggled some more.

"No," Snape nuzzled her neck; "if I keep you in bed then you can't be mad at me."

"Unless you know a spell to take care of certain needs, you are going to have to let me up," Alexis said delicately.

"I am a powerful wizard," he was tracing patterns on her neck with his nose. "I know a plethora of spells, charms, hexes, and other assorted magic."

"Severus, if I promise to come back to bed will you let me up for five minutes?" Alexis shivered as he was now sucking on her neck.

"If you must," Snape began untangling his fingers.

"I really must or I really will be embarrassed," Alexis kissed the hand that had been on her stomach and made a run for the bathroom.

In four and a half minutes Alexis came back and crawled into bed next to Snape, "Now, we need to talk."

"That is **not** what I had in mind," Snape asserted.

"I know, but Severus we have to work through this. I don't like being mad at you and I really don't like feeling as if you don't respect me," Alexis was staring at the canopy.

"You really want to make that potion?" Snape asked.

"Yes, I do. I think it is important for our relationship that I prove to you that I can do it," Alexis turned to face him, "but I can't do it without your help."

"Very well, I will get you the ingredients," Snape was now staring up at the canopy.

"Thank you," Alexis was now tracing patterns on Snape's chest with the tip of her finger.

"Is that all?" Snape leered at her. "After all I do have to collect Spanish moss either totally naked or wearing wooden shoes?"

"Perhaps I can find something to make it worth your while," Alexis smiled back before leaning down to kiss him.

Remus had gotten some regular Pre-natal Potion from Madame Pomfrey. Now he had to talk Amber into substituting it for the chocolate flavored potion. Remus armed himself with Sinfully Dark Chocolate Truffles and Double, Chocolate, Chip Fudge Brownie ice cream.

"Amber, I have some bad news," Remus sat her down in the kitchen. "The chocolate flavored pre-natal potion turns out to have some side effects and you are going to have to switch back to the regular potion."

"But I haven't noticed any problems," Amber whined.

"You are just going to have to trust me on this," Remus soothed her by popping a truffle in her mouth.

"Are you sure Remus?" Amber asked around the mouthful of rich, gooey, sin.

"Yes," Remus gave her a big spoonful of ice cream.

Amber licked the spoon clean and opened her mouth for another bite, "If you say so, darling." Remus just gave her another truffle before getting up to pour out all of the remaining chocolate potion she had left.

Darien was waiting for Snape and Alexis in the potion's classroom, "Severus, I was hoping to have a word with you? If you have the time?"

Alexis kissed Snape before heading to her potion's lab three doors down, "I'll see you at lunch."

Snape looked at Darien, "Yes?"

"I was wondering if you had ever considered possibly taking on an apprentice?" Darien asked anxiously.

"I have not," Snape told him shortly. "Now was there anything else?"

"Would you consider allowing me to apprentice to you?" Darien was nothing if not persistent.

"I will consider it," Snape paused. "I do not think it would work out."

Darien was crestfallen, but stubborn, "Why not?"

"I prefer to work alone," Snape told him.

"As your apprentice I could take over some of the more tedious aspects of teaching," Darien tempted with a significant look at the pile of parchments on Snape's desk.

"Darien, I do not believe there is the budget available for an apprentice," Snape said discouragingly.

"Room and board would be enough to start," Darien persisted.

"I would have to talk to Dumbledore," Snape tried to put him off.

"I already have and he thinks it is a wonderful idea," Darien enthused. "I'll start Monday," and left before Snape could stop him.

"Bullocks," was Snape's comment.

Remus found Snape once again in the dungeons, "Severus, I have a favor to ask."

Snape gave him a look, "Why do you think I would do you a favor?"

"Because you owe me," Remus tried.

Snape remained silent. "Because I will owe you?" Remus amended.

Snape nodded sharply, "What is the favor?"

"Amber is craving water cress," Remus told him.

"And what does that have to do with me?" Snape asked sarcastically.

"It is a specific type of water cress. It is salt-water cress. I have no idea where to get it. And she wants it fresh. I was hoping you might know…"

Snape gave an irritated huff, "Yes, we will need to fly to a specific cove I know of. There are wards to prevent Apparition. How soon do you need it?"

"Is now too soon?" Remus asked.

An hour later the two wizards were on brooms, Remus was following Snape closely. Snape was thinking this wasn't so bad, an hour there, thirty minutes to get the salt-water cress and then an hour back.

Remus called across to Snape, "At least we have nice flying weather."

Snape nodded sharply just as there came an ominous roll of thunder, "You had to say that didn't you?" he asked irritably.

The dark clouds appeared as if by magic. A crack of lightning had Remus and Snape taking evasive maneuvers. Remus' sigh of relief was cut short as the heavens opened and water began to flood down on them. Gritting their teeth they continued to fly on.

Snape felt as if he were frozen to his broom when the cove came into view. Prying his fingers from the broom handle, he pointed down and Remus followed his descent.

Teeth chattering, Snape looked at the waves crashing on the shore, "We have about ten minutes before the tide comes in and floods the cove. Give me the bag and I will get you some water cress."

"What bag?" Remus asked.

"Don't tell me you forgot to bring something to put it in?" Remus snarled.

"I thought you were taking care of that," Remus defended himself.

"What do you have that we can transfigure into a bag?" Snape asked.

"Nothing," Remus said after a moments thought.

"What about a t-shirt or your boxers?" Snape growled.

"I'm not wearing either," Remus flushed bright red at that confession.

Snape growled as he asked, "Are you at least wearing a shirt under your robes?"

"No, it is getting close to the full moon and I stay hot," Remus explained.

Closing his eyes and counting to ten, Snape went behind a rock and came back a few minutes later with a green silk bag.

"Where did you get that from?" Remus asked curious.

"You don't want to know," Snape told him as he headed in search of the salt-water cress.

Alexis came in as Snape was stripping out of his sodden clothes. His robes and shirt were in a wet heap on the bathroom floor. He had removed his trousers preparing to take a hot shower, Alexis blinked at him, "Severus, what happened to your shorts?"

Snape stepped into the shower, "You don't want to know."

Alexis and Snape were enjoying a cup of tea; Snape's liberally laced with Ogden's Old Fire Whiskey. Slinky answered a knock on the door and Remus came in looking frustrated.

Snape gave him a suspicious look. Nothing good had come from any of Remus' recent visits.

"Remus, how are you?" Alexis made as if to get up but Remus waved her to remain seated and Snape had a firm arm around her, "Have a seat. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"No thank you. I hate to ask you, but I really don't have a clue as to how to get this," Remus began.

"What is it now Lupin?" Snape sneered.

"You know that drink Steven served at dinner?" They nodded. "Amber is saying that she HAS to have some. It is a Muggle drink and I don't have a clue as to how to go about getting it."

"Do you know if it is Coke or Pepsi?" Alexis asked.

Remus and Snape stared at her, "Some people can tell the difference between to two," she said defensively.

"How would you know?" Remus asked.

"Muggle studies, I have been working with Professor Engvall," Alexis quickly ad-libbed.

"Oh," Remus shrugged. "I really have no idea which one it is. All I know is I found it entirely to sweet and syrupy."

"Most Muggle grocery stores would carry both," Alexis told him.

"Grocery store?" Remus asked with a hint of panic in his eyes.

"Yes, it is where Muggles go to buy their food," Alexis grinned at him.

"Alexis, could you go with me to get some?" Remus begged.

"No she cannot," Snape told him firmly.

"Why not?" Alexis shifted to look at him.

"It is too dangerous," Snape told her.

"A trip to the grocery store is dangerous?" Alexis queried.

"Yes, a trip to a Muggle grocery store would be fraught with danger," Snape said flatly.

"Just what dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, might I face going into a Muggle grocery store to purchase some cola?" Alexis sniggered.

"They are too numerous to mention," Snape replied.

"You don't have any idea what a trip to the store would involve, do you?" Alexis smirked.

Remus and Snape Apparated to Diagon Alley, Professor Dumbledore had requested a meeting with Alexis so she hadn't been able to go with them.

Snape read the careful list of instructions Alexis had insisted on writing for them, "First we have to go to Gringotts and exchange some money."

Remus was leafing through the strange paper that Muggles consider money, "I hope we have enough. Alexis said twenty pounds should be more than we would need."

"How much did you get?" Snape asked.

"I got one hundred pounds," he replied, "I wanted to make sure we can get an ample supply so that we do not have to return any time soon," Remus said while Snape nodded his agreement.

Tom at the Leaky Cauldron was able to provide directions to a Muggle grocery store. Ten minutes of walking had them standing in front of a large square garishly lit building. Brightly colored signs were in the windows advertising the specials for today while long streams of pennants criss-crossed over their heads, fluttering in the breeze. A huge banner stretched across the front of the store "GRAND RE-OPENING".

"How do you re-open a store?" Remus asked Snape.

Snape just ignored him because he wasn't going to admit that he didn't know, "Let us get this cola stuff and get back. I have to be there for the Halloween Feast tonight and the naming of the champions."

Remus nodded and they headed toward the doors. Stepping on the black mat in front of the door, they both sprang back reaching for their wands when the doors whooshed open. They stood there staring until an elderly woman pushed past them with a muttered, "Excuse me," and walked through the automatic door.

Snape cautiously followed the grey-haired Muggle into the store watching as she pulled a strange wheeled contraption from out of a long line of such things and pushed it down an aisle. Snape walked confidently up to the line and grabbed the handle of the closest thing and tugged it like the woman had. The whole line of contraptions clinked and clanked but the one he was tugging did not come free.

Remus walked up beside him and gave it a tug. Again there was no separation. Snape tugged again more forcibly. A second even harder tug freed two of the strange wheeled push trolleys. Backing it up, Snape gave Remus an impatient nod to the end of the second cart, "Pull on that one."

Remus took hold of the one on the end while Snape held the handle of the original trolley, "Ready?" Remus nodded and they both gave a tug. Snape almost pulled Remus into the basket of the trolley with the force of his pull, "Lupin, can you not even manage a simple task like this?"

"I wasn't ready for you to pull so hard," Remus explained, "Try it now," Remus braced himself and Snape tugged again. Now there was a crowd waiting for their turn to take a cart. Remus and Snape had been wrestling with the carts for several minutes and the crowd was starting to get irritated.

Finally a little girl of about twelve walked up to Snape and said, "Excuse me, mister." Snape looked down his nose at her. "Let me help you, move please," she told Remus and then she held the handle and kicked the edge of the trolley while lifting it slightly and banging it on the floor. The end cart rolled free and another customer grabbed it and rolled away with it. The girl grinned at the two men, "My dad can't get them to work either," before grabbing a trolley for her mom.

"Not a word," Snape told Remus, "not a single word or I am leaving."

Remus just took the trolley and headed down the nearest aisle.

"Where did that little girl go?" Remus asked looking around. They had been searching the store for the drink that Amber was craving without success. Time was slipping away and Snape needed to get back to Hogwarts.

"May I help you gentlemen?" an acne-covered teen in a green apron and matching green bow tie asked.

"Where is your cola located?" Snape asked.

"Aisle four, down that way," a long skinny arm pointed down the way they had just come.

Snape grabbed the cart and began to push it toward aisle four. "Hey, that's my trolley," Remus told him hurrying after him.

Just then they turned down aisle four and stopped staring. The whole aisle was lined with bottles and bottles of strange drinks. There were large bottles and small bottles and medium bottles and then there were bottles that were held together somehow in sixes and then there were boxes that had the same markings on them as the bottles and then there were little metal cans.

"Where is the list that Alexis gave us?" Remus asked.

Snape pulled it out of his pocket and began reading it hurriedly, "It just says to take the cola off the shelf and take it up to the front of the store and pay for it at the 'check-out'," Snape sniped.

"She asked when we were sitting in your quarters what type of cola we were looking for. Do you remember what she called them?" Remus asked desperately.

Snape thought for a moment, "Pep something and then there was the one that sounded kind of like cola but not. Start reading the bottles," Snape instructed, "Just remember the drink was dark colored," Snape looked at the various colors available.

They had narrowed it down to five different drinks; there was Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer and Mr. Pib. Remus wanted to put the Root Beer back because Amber was pregnant and shouldn't have any alcohol. Snape agreed so that narrowed it down to four.

Snape said, "Just grab ten of each of them and let's get out of here."

"Ten?" Remus asked surprised.

"Yes ten, I have no plans of accompanying you on another one of these fools errands so you will want to stock up," Snape snorted.

"You might change your mind," Remus grinned.

"Why on earth would I do that?" Snape sneered.

"Because I have found one of the ingredients you need for Alexis," Remus smirked.

"In a Muggle establishment?" Snape was incredulous.

Remus reached to the shelf opposite the cola's, which Snape now noticed, had a large selection of candy. Picking a large box off the shelf he gave it to Snape.

"Choco-crocs," Snape read, "chocolate covered crocodile shaped sweets. This can't be what they meant?"

"Maybe not, but will Alexis know the difference?" Remus smiled.

"Remus, that is almost worthy of a Slytherin," Snape said.

"There's no need to be insulting," Remus protested.

Remus and Snape filled the trolley with cola and boxes of Choco-crocs. Snape had sent Remus back to the front of the store to get another cart since they were rapidly filling up the one. Snape looked up at a loud crash at the end of aisle four to see Remus surrounded by cans of some type.

"Blasted trolley," Remus muttered as with a quick look around he went to pull out his wand.

"Lupin," Snape said in a warning tone.

Giving him a dirty look Remus quickly picked up the cans and replaced them on the shelf and began to push the new cart toward Snape, who quickly saw why Remus had knocked into a shelf. All four of the wheels on the trolley seemed to be trying to roll in different directions. Remus had to physically force the thing down the aisle in a more or less straight line. "You couldn't find one that actually works?" Snape sneered.

"This was the only one left and I know why now," Remus complained.

"Hurry up, I need to get home," Snape snarked.

"I am hurrying. If you think you can do any better you take this trolley," Remus growled.

"I have filled my trolley," Snape sneered as he started to fill Remus' cart.

"Now we go to the 'check-out lane' pay for the cola and we should be able to go home," Snape stated as they headed back to the front.

Snape was fuming by the time Remus finally managed to force his trolley to the check-out lane, "It certainly took you long enough to get here."

"Next time you take the hexed trolley and I take the normal one and then we'll see how fast you get anywhere," Remus growled.

Snape looked at the normally even-tempered werewolf and decided not to make any further comments.

Snape watched the people in the queue in front of them and when it was there turn, carefully unloaded the drinks and boxes onto the counter. The person behind the counter stared at all the bottles of cola before asking, "Thirsty are you?"

Snape gave him a glare for his insolence that quickly had him ringing up their purchases.

When everything was rung up, paid for and bagged, Remus looked at Snape, "How are we supposed to get all of this home?"

"Follow me," Snape ordered pushing the cart that the bags had been placed in out of the store. Remus followed him, not really understanding what he was going to do.

Snape found a slightly darker area of the parking lot and waited until Remus had caught up with him, "Apparate," he told him. Remus nodded and then there was a loud crack. Snape looked at the buggy full of bags, "Idiot."

Another crack and a red faced Remus was back grabbing the handle of the shopping trolley and then two cracks so close together they sounded like one and that corner of the parking lot was empty.

They Disapparated in front of Remus and Amber's cottage in Hogsmeade. "What are we going to do with these things?" Remus asked Snape.

"That is your problem," Snape told him as he gathered together the bags holding the Choco-crocs and with a crack was gone.


	19. What The Heck?

Disclaimer: I don't claim it, although I would really, really like to.

AN: Kudos to Midnight Lily and Steve2. Couldn't continue to do it without their marvelous input and editing.

**Chapter 19 What the heck?**

_"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."  
- Robert Heinlein_

Snape was snide that night as he and Alexis returned to their quarters after the Halloween Feast. "Potter," he spat out as if ridding his mouth of something nasty, "I should have known that somehow the Boy Who Gets Away With Everything would manage to become a tournament champion. And Moody insinuating that someone entered Potter's name in order to kill him: _preposterous_."

Snape was busy pouring himself a stiff drink so he didn't notice Alexis freezing and staring at him wide eyed as Dumbledore's charm took hold preventing her from telling Snape anything about what she knew based on her previous life as Alicia. Alexis managed to fight off the stasis enough that she could move her arms. She was gesturing frantically trying to get Snape's attention.

"Bahh! I cannot believe Dumbledore can't see through Potter's innocent act. I mean the boy hasn't obeyed rules since his first day here. He is just like his father." Snape turned and saw Alexis nodding at him frantically, "I'm glad that you at least agree with me," he turned and downed the drink in his hand.

Alexis' hands were bunched into fists and she was looking for something within her reach that she could throw at Snape to get his attention. "What does Moody know? I mean I realize that Potter has enemies but what could they hope to gain by entering him in the Tournament?"

Alexis was still trying to get Snape's attention. Snape turned back to her and she drew a finger across her neck in the universal sign of cutting one's throat. "Do you have a sore throat?" Snape asked. "I can whip you up a potion for that." Alexis shook her head; apparently it was the _Muggle_ universal sign for cutting a throat and not a wizard sign.

Snape returned to his tirade pacing back and forth in front of Alexis, "I personally might harbor the occasional daydream about Potter's untimely demise," he looked at Alexis who was nodding her head and gesturing with her hands for him to continue. "You too? Alexis I knew there was a reason I married you," Snape gave her a quick kiss before resuming his pacing. "There are much easier methods of killing Potter. Based on his abysmal performance in my class, all we have to do is wait for him to test one of his own potions." Snape snorted.

He smirked at Alexis who was clenching her fists trying to think of some way to communicate to Snape, misunderstanding Alexis' agitation, "Don't worry, I won't let him blow me or the dungeons up. If I can keep Longbottom from doing it I can certainly keep Potter from destroying the school."

Snape continued his rant, "It is so frustrating that Dumbledore won't let you tell us what should happen this year," Snape snarled looking over at Alexis.

Alexis nodded vehemently and tried to mime to Snape that she wanted to tell him something. Snape patted her arm as he walked by her, "You know who is behind all of this; if he would only let you tell us." Snape faced her and Alexis began to twirl a finger in circles next to her temple, "Yes, I agree, it is crazy for Albus not to take advantage of your knowledge."

Alexis twirled her finger and pointed to her eye three or four times, but Snape was lost in his thoughts and didn't even notice. Alexis threw her hands in the air and Snape looked up at the movement, "I understand how much this must grate. You have that regrettable tendency to want to help people," Snape smirked at her.

If Alexis could have moved her lower body she would have stomped her feet in aggravation. Taking a deep, but silent breath she motioned to Snape to come to her. Snape totally misunderstood and walking up to her held her close, "Alexis, I know you would tell me if you could. Between Lupin and Potter this has been an extremely tiring day. I'm going to bed. Don't stay up too late," Snape kissed her and headed into the bedroom.

As soon as he was out of the room Alexis was freed, running into the bedroom she opened her mouth to say something to Snape and immediately froze again as Dumbledore's spell took hold. The spell released her and Alexis returned to the other room and walked over to Snape's desk and pulled a quill and parchment over and began writing down everything she could think of to warn Snape about for the upcoming year.

Thirty minutes later she was reading it over to make sure she hadn't left anything out. Grabbing up the paper she hurried into the bedroom and woke Snape up and handed him the parchment. Snape read it quickly and then looked at Alexis puzzled, "Did you wake me up to give me a recipe for making lemon drop candy cookies?"

Alexis grabbed the paper back and read it again; somehow her thirty minutes of hard work had been transformed into a recipe. Briefly she wondered if she could make the cookies for Dumbledore and include a little surprise for him, before deciding that he was really only trying to do what was best. Crumpling up the parchment she threw it into the fireplace, "Go back to sleep Severus, I'm sorry I woke you up."

Snape asked, "Are you feeling ill, Alexis? You have been behaving strangely all night."

"No, dear, I am not ill. Let me brush my teeth and then I'll come to bed," Alexis smiled wearily at him.

'_Wiley old coot_,' Alexis thought as she readied herself for bed. There had to be something she could do. She just had to figure it out.

Monday morning at five a.m. there was a loud knocking on their door; Nathair and Aleser started crying and Alexis shoved Snape to get him to go see who had the unmitigated gall to wake them up this early. Alexis managed to crawl out of the bed and headed into the nursery to take care of the twins while Snape went to find out who had a death wish.

"WHAT?" he snarled as he opened the door.

"Good morning, Severus," Darien's chipper greeting was enough to make a strong person ill. "I told you I would start Monday morning and here I am."

Snape's hand was in the pocket of his robe holding tightly to the handle of his wand. He was mentally reviewing the hexes and jinxes that he knew to decide which one would be the most painful, without doing permanent damage.

Alexis came up with a baby in each arm, "Severus, who is it? Is there a problem?"

"Hello, Alexis, I'm sure Severus told you I was starting as his apprentice today. Where should I put my things?" Darien gestured to a large trunk and several bags that were taking up a goodly portion of the hallway. Darien was craning his neck trying to see beyond Snape, "Which way to my room?" he asked as he tried to get inside.

"Hi, Darien. I'm sure Severus will be able to tell you what to do with your stuff. I'm just going to settle the boys back down," Alexis fled the scene determined to keep her sons safe from any fallout.

"What do you mean your room?" Snape asked coldly.

"Room and board for my work," Darien reminded him, "If you will just point me the way to my room, I'll get out of your hair."

"Slinky," Snape yelled in the direction of the fireplace, not even bothering with Floo powder.

A pop and Slinky appeared wearing a hand towel around his waist and with a shower cap over his ears, water still trickling down his back, "Yes Professor sir, what can Slinky do for you?"

"Go back and finish your shower, get dressed and then come back here and show Mr. Doff where he will be staying. Ask the Headmaster if you haven't already been told," Snape said flatly.

"Right away Professor sir," Slinky disappeared with a pop and then reappeared within seconds. Now dry and dressed in his customary tea towel toga, "Mr. Darien Doff sir, if you will be following Slinky, I will be showing you to your rooms."

Darien looked as if someone had cancelled Christmas, "I won't be staying here with you, Severus?"

"Darien, Alexis and I have just the nursery and our bedroom and the sitting room. We really don't have space for guests. I am sure Slinky has set you up on a nice set of rooms not too far from here," Snape was trying not to hex the young man.

"I could sleep on the couch," Darien offered. "I don't really take up much room."

"Darien, follow Slinky, I will come and get you on the way to breakfast and we can talk then," Snape wondered if this was a portent of how the day was going to go as he ushered Darien to the door where Slinky had already removed the trunk and bags.

At seven Snape went to collect Darien; opening the door to his chambers he found Darien sitting in the hallway reading a book and waiting on him, "Hello, Severus, I didn't think you would know where my new rooms are so I decided to wait on you here."

"Very well," Snape said quietly, "follow me and I will show you to the Great Hall where we have our meals." Snape felt rather as if a puppy had followed him home as he led Darien through the castle explaining the routine of meals and lessons.

Darien had a small notebook with him that he was making copious notes in. Snape noticed that Darien was using one of the self inking quills that Remus and Amber had brought back from their honeymoon.

Noticing Snape's regard, Darien held up the notebook, "Ingenious device. It is a Muggle product. The paper is lined and all connected by this piece of metal. It keeps everything neat and tidy."

Snape took it from him and glanced over it before handing it back to Darien wondering if Alexis would know where he could purchase some. It would be much more convenient than the rolls of parchment he was currently using.

Alexis looked at Snape, "You want to know where to get Muggle notebooks?"

"Yes," Snape replied succinctly.

Alexis grinned at the thought of taking Snape into an office supply store, "There are several places you can buy them. If that is all you want you can usually get them at the grocery store."

Snape looked aggravated at the thought of having to go back, "What do you mean if that is all I want?"

"If you are going to use Muggle notebooks, you might want to see what else they have available," Alexis suggested.

"For example?" Snape queried.

"Paper clips, ball point pens, sticky notes, staplers, highlighters," Alexis trailed off at the glare Snape was giving her.

"Why don't we plan a Muggle shopping trip? We can invite Remus, Amber, Aurora and Steven," Alexis offered, "That way you can look around and see if there is anything else you might find useful."

Snape didn't appear all that thrilled about the idea but he kept remembering how convenient Darien's notebook was to use. He reluctantly agreed to the outing.

Alexis looked around at the piles and stacks of bags, bundles and parcels. She should never have suggested taking them on a Muggle shopping trip. The first curiosity about her knowledge of Muggles had been satisfied by explaining that she had been spending extra time with Professor Engvall the Muggle Studies teacher. Everyone had been very impressed with how well she had learned her lessons; at least until she got them lost in Muggle London.

Alexis had never been to Muggle London. She was familiar with Muggles and the items they used, at least the American version of them. Alexis cover was well and truly protected by the fact that she knew nothing from first hand experience about Great Britain.

Steven had been very impressed with how fearlessly she had approached a Muggle please-man and asked him for directions. Snape, on the other hand, had almost caused a problem by the way he was glaring at the poor guy. Alexis had been able to smooth things over by explaining that she was taking mental patients on an outing.

When they arrived at the large shopping complex, Alexis had been hard pressed to keep everyone together. Steven had wanted to explore every shop, while Snape had wanted to head directly to the office supply store. Snape had been sidetracked by a kitchen supply store. He had found the measuring spoons on a ring very practical and had wondered if he could require the students to purchase them. By the end of each school year, at least one student in each class had lost several if not all of their measuring spoons.

He had also been impressed with the price of the marble cutting boards, the quality of the knives available and he had appreciated the practicality of the thin flexible plastic cutting sheets that allowed you to first cut your ingredients and then pick the whole thing up and dump it in the cauldron. He had purchased several of the mini-food choppers, for ingredients that didn't need to be as carefully cut.

One of the employees had been giving a demonstration on food processors. Snape had been all ready to purchase a commercial grade model until Alexis had explained that they worked on electricity. From the look on his face, Alexis wondered how long it would be before Snape had figured a way to either get electricity to work around magic, or electrical appliances to work without magic. When Alexis had gotten the total for his purchases she was glad that she had arranged credit cards for everyone with Gringotts. It looked like a regular Muggle card, but instead of a monthly statement, the money would come directly from one their vaults.

Alexis had to control Steven; he would have purchased one of everything in the store if she hadn't stopped him. That had made her really popular with the sales clerk who had been helping him.

Remus and Amber had been wandering the store, stopping to chuckle at the various items and wonder what some of them could possibly be used for. Aurora had told one of the customers that she really shouldn't have come shopping today since her aura was so blocked. The woman had fled the shop when Aurora had offered several helpful suggestions on how to clear it.

Alexis, Amber and Aurora had dragged everyone into a baby store. Amber and Remus had found out that they were having a girl. Everyone left that store loaded down with tiny pink outfits, adorable baby blankets and more baby toys than any one child could need. Snape had purchased a giant stuffed wolf that was almost as big as a real one and gave it to Remus telling him it was a present for the baby. Snape had felt that was suitable revenge for the Grumpy t-shirt. Especially since Remus had to carry it for the rest of the day.

Steven had insisted on going into an electronics store. He had purchased some plugs and wires and a cunning set of pliers that all folded up in a neat little case. No of the others had been all that interested in the electronics store. Alexis had tried to stand near the front of the store and keep an eye on everyone else while simultaneously keeping Steven from buying the whole store. She had gotten distracted by the sight of Remus handing Snape an ice cream cone. She was waiting to see if Snape was going to make Remus wear it when she noticed that Steven was deep in discussion with one of the sales associates. Hurrying over, she was just in time to prevent him from buying a cell phone. Alexis had to be forceful when telling the clerk that reception would be a definite problem where Steven lived in spite of the number of towers that were being erected and the already extensive coverage area the company provided.

Alexis had to physically drag Steven from the store after he discovered computers. They were even more interesting than the televisions. She had relented and bought him a laptop with a powerful battery and at least two replacement batteries. She had warned him that he would have to find somewhere to charge the batteries and no you cannot do it with magic. Also, whatever he did, do not try to use it at home as all the magical energy would ruin the delicate piece of equipment. Alexis had promised to return soon and help him find a nice Muggle internet café where he could use his new toy.

The food court was a new experience for all. Steven was the only one who seemed to fully enjoy it. Snape had looked at the hamburger and French fries Alexis had gotten for him as if she had proffered poison instead of food. Steven had taken his first sip from the drink Alexis had gotten him and had been amazed that it was served over ice. He had made Alexis purchase him one of every flavor of soda to try. Aurora had agreed with him that from now on they too would serve the drink cold. Alexis had drawn the line when he wanted to buy a dozen child's meals just to get the tiny plastic toys.

Arriving at the office supply store Alexis told everyone that they would have to be fairly quick about their purchases because it was getting late. It would have had more of an impact if anyone had hung around to hear her. Before she could get more than two words out of her mouth everyone had scattered in a different direction.

She found Snape and Remus wrestling with the shopping trolleys. They each managed to free one from the line and took off. Alexis hurried after Snape who was pushing his cart like an old hand.

Snape headed directly for the notebooks. He stopped suddenly in front of Alexis causing her to run into his back when he reached the aisle. There were shelves and shelves of notebooks, notepads, legal pads, and loose leaf notebook paper. There were binders and folders and accordion files. Alexis watched in shock as Snape started filling up the buggy with what looked to be almost one of everything.

"Severus, do you really think you need all of that?" she asked him cautiously.

"I will not know what will work the best for me until I have carefully examined each one. It would be preferable to do that in my office," Snape explained.

Alexis didn't buy it for a minute. No one else would be able to tell, but Snape was having fun. When the first cart was full, Snape pushed it up to the check out counter and told the startled clerk, "Watch my selections. I desire to continue shopping and have need of another trolley."

Alexis followed him to the aisle containing writing utensils. Snape was carefully perusing the offerings, "Do you know how these things work?" ignoring the strange look he received from another shopper.

"Yes, what do you want to know?" Alexis responded.

"How do they get the ink in this tiny cylinder?" he held up a pen.

"Now that I don't know," Alexis confessed.

They had closed the store down. Snape's purchases alone had taken up three registers and four rolls of tape. Alexis was trying to figure out how in the world they were going to get all of this stuff back with them.

Snape had just smirked at her before heading to a quiet spot and Apparating to the Doff's house. Alexis had followed him taking her own two buggies of purchases and was quickly followed by the rest of the party.

While Snape had purchased more than anyone else, everyone had put a serious dent in their money pouches. Alexis had made Snape and Remus take the shopping trolleys back to the store. She could just see the Muggle news reporting on the recent rash of shopping trolley thefts.

AN: Radingsouls4u, yes that was a little nod to Labyrinth, which I also love.

Fallenhunter, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, authoress, yes thing for dark haired, snide men with more intelligence than manners.

MarcDarcy, glad you are back! I missed you and your reviews.

GraceRichie, thank you for all your reviews and I am really enjoying both of your stories.

Loverofallthingsliterary, I apologize, I had to read your name three times before I realized it was literary not slithery (thought you were a big fan of Slytherin). Thanks for your reviews.


	20. Collecting

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own it.

**Chapter 20 Collecting **

_"Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you."  
- Satchel Paige_

Snape looked up from his breakfast as a large barn owl delivered a letter to him. Alexis fed it a bit of toast as he opened the missive. Inside was a note from Remus:

"**Thought this might help with your search." **

Snape looked at the flyer that had been folded in with the note. It was a Muggle advertisement showing the dates for a display at the botanical gardens. Circled in red ink was Cypress trees and Spanish moss. Snape noticed that the show was due to start this Saturday.

Remus met Snape at the Three Broomsticks later that evening, "So what did you want to see me about, Severus?"

"It is time that you paid your debt," Snape smirked.

"What did you have in mind?" Remus asked cautiously.

"You are going to help me break into the botanical gardens and liberate some Spanish moss for that dratted potion Alexis wants to brew," Snape took a sip of his drink and watched the color drain from Remus' face.

"I'm going to do what?"

"You and I are going to obtain one of the ingredients Alexis needs for her potion," Snape stated firmly.

"That's what I thought you said," Remus sighed in resignation.

Snape had discovered that the display would be completed on Thursday night in time for a reception Friday evening before the exhibit would be opened to the general public Saturday morning. It was approaching midnight when the two wizards Apparated into the gardens.

"Damn and blast," Snape heard from Remus' direction.

"What is it?" he hissed.

"I landed in the swamp display," Remus hissed back as he squelched toward the sound of Snape's voice. Just then there was a large plopping sound. "What was that?" Remus asked as he cast a dim light with his wand.

Snape looked around, "I believe it was a frog. There was something in the flyer about including some native fauna as well as the flora in the exhibit. Now if you don't mind, let us get on with our task before we are discovered."

"Give me a hand out of this mess," Remus requested.

Snape looked down at the man who was standing shin deep in murky water. "If you pull me in I will hex you," he warned.

"That would just be childish," Remus said pompously wondering if he could get away with pushing Snape in later.

Snape held out his hand for Remus and with a mighty heave got him out of the water. The two wizards walked over to where a large, sturdy fence was separating them from the elevated path that led through the greenhouse containing the exhibit.

Shrugging at the incomprehensible actions of Muggles, Remus said, "I would think the Cypress trees would be on this side of the fence."

Snape nodded his agreement and the two headed off to find what they needed. Snape had also lit his wand so that he could see where he was going. It only took a moment for them to find the large tree in the middle of the swampy water. Long strands of grey Spanish moss was hanging down out of their reach.

Snape turned to Remus, "Lupin, if you are ready?" and he pulled a pair of wooden shoes out of pocket and enlarged them back to normal size.

"What do you mean '_if I am ready_'?" Remus asked him suspiciously.

"This is where you pay back your debt to me," Snape said holding out the shoes. "Now strip. We will need to collect two specimens. One with you in the wooden shoes and one without shoes at all."

Remus looked as if he were about to choke, "If you think for one minute I am going to climb that tree starkers to get a potion ingredient for YOUR wife, you are insane."

Snape gave him a look. "If that is how Gryffindors repay their debts?" he sneered.

Remus said, "That is not going to work. You will not shame me into getting naked and collecting Spanish moss for you."

"So much for Gryffindor honor," Snape smirked.

Remus gave him one last fulminating look, "There is no way I am doing this by myself. It will go faster if we both collect the specimens. One of us can do it in wooden shoes and one with no shoes, AND if I do this all debts are cancelled and you will owe me."

Snape considered, "It makes no sense for both of us to disrobe to collect the moss."

"Either we both do it or you do it by yourself," Remus was adamant.

Snape snarled, "Lupin, there is no way I am getting naked and climbing a tree."

"That makes two of us. Might as well go home," Remus said stubbornly.

"Very well, you wear the shoes though," Snape finally conceded with poor grace.

Remus waited until Snape began to strip down and then he too stripped down and neatly folded his clothes before placing them neatly on the ground next to the tree. Tucking his wand behind his ear he began to climb the tree muttering the whole time. Snape was able to follow him up the tree by the light of his wand and the light of the waning moon. He winced in sympathy as Remus began to inch out along a branch to get to where the moss was hanging. Snape was just glad that he didn't have to straddle a branch and put his family jewels in danger.

Snape found a thick branch that extended out over the water. By holding onto another branch that was directly above his head, he was able to carefully inch out to where the moss was dangling. He had managed to wrap some around his wrist leaving his hands free. Looking over to where Remus was he saw that Remus had reached the middle of the branch when there was an ominous creaking noise. Looking back over his shoulder Remus saw a face peering at him with a wicked grin. "What the fu….?" Remus exclaimed as the branch started bouncing.

Snape heard Remus' muffled cry as well as what sounded like giggles and he watched as Remus clutched the branch he was spread across with arms and legs locked in a death grip, "Lupin, stop playing around and get the damn moss," he snarled in a whisper.

"There's someone here," Remus called trying to keep his voice down.

"Where?" Snape quietly asked.

"In the tree," Remus said as he cautiously loosened his grip on the branch.

Snape peered over to the branches of the tree where Remus was. But they were too dense to allow him to see much of anything, "I don't see anyone. Get on with the task," Snape ordered.

Remus wondered if he could cast an impotency hex without Snape figuring out it was him. Staring into the shadows where he had seen the face, Remus carefully released one hand from the branch and stretched up trying to reach the moss dangling just above his fingertips. Deciding maybe his eyes had been playing tricks on him, Remus let go of the branch with his other hand, gripping it only with his thighs and proceeded to stretch to reach the Spanish moss. He had just managed to tangle his fingers in the tip of the strand when he heard another giggle and the branch he was on started shaking again.

The moss was more firmly attached than he would have thought and he couldn't free his hand from it to grab his shaking perch. Remus had just enough time to think, '_Oh shit!_' before his legs lost their grip and the branch bucked him up. The moss took that moment to pull free and as he went down, the springy branch sprang up catching him right in the groin.

Making his way back down the tree trunk, Snape heard a thin high scream that raised the hairs on the back of his neck, "Lupin, what was that? Stop playing around and get the moss and let's get out of here." Snape waited a moment but there was no response. "Lupin? Lupin, answer me right now."

Remus managed a low moan, before dropping his handful of moss down. Snape was staring up into the tree trying to find Remus when something fell on his face. Stifling his instinctive shout, he freed his face and realized it was the ingredient they were here for. Stuffing it in the bag he had brought, "Lupin, were you wearing the wooden shoes when you picked it?"

Just then a series of crashes announced something else falling out of the tree, Snape managed to lean back in time to avoid being hit by a wooden shoe. "You could have just answered," he snarled forgetting there was another shoe until it hit him in the forehead knocking him to the ground.

Remus heard a stream of obscenities come up from the bottom of the tree with a vague sense of satisfaction. His aim had been true. Pushing the pain to the very back of his mind, he reached up again and pulled another clump of the moss free. This clump he draped across his shoulders as he shimmied back toward the trunk of the tree.

He had almost reached a point where he could start climbing down when he heard the giggling again. Peering into the shadows he was able to make out a face. Realizing it had been seen; it came around from the back of the tree and giggled at Remus.

"Severus, we have a problem," Remus said quietly while smiling at the giggling creature.

"You are going to have a big problem if I find out you dropped that shoe on me on purpose," Snape growled as he picked himself up from the ground.

"Severus, you said something about native fauna being part of the exhibit, we have a problem with that fauna," Remus said in a hushed voice never taking his eyes from the curious being who was examining him.

"Don't tell me you are scared of a tree frog?" Snape smirked derisively.

"It's not a frog, it's a dryad," Remus explained.

"Oh shit," Snape exhaled.

"My thoughts exactly, now if you have something more helpful to add I'm ready for it," Remus was still smiling at the small female looking figure with long grayish green hair trailing over her brown skin. Her fingers were long and her nails came to sharp points that enabled her to climb her tree easily. Her only covering was some leaves and her hair. Her eyes were bright and inquisitive and full of mischief and she was at most about three feet tall.

"Do you have anything to offer her?" Snape called up.

"Severus, I am completely naked except for some moss draped across my shoulder, what do you suggest I offer her?" Remus gritted out through clenched teeth as he tried to maintain a smile.

The dryad began to move closer to him and Remus froze. Those nails could do serious damage. With careful grace she approached until she was within inches of his face. Reaching up she ran gentle fingers through his hair before giving it a sharp tug and pulling free several strands complete with a bit of scalp. A quick kiss on his cheek and the dryad ran back into the shadows.

Rubbing a hand on his soar head, Remus as quickly as possible positioned himself to climb back down the tree. "Lupin, what are you doing?" Snape hissed.

"She took some of my hair as an offering. Move back I'm on my way down," Remus said.

Snape took a few steps back as he pulled on his boxers. Rubbing his forehead he found a tender bump and cursed roundly. He wondered if he could hit Remus with one of the shoes. There was a creaking and cracking and Remus fell the last few feet to land with a splash in the water at the base of the tree.

He threw the moss at Snape who just managed to catch it. Stowing it in the second bag Snape smirked at the wet, bedraggled, and naked wizard glaring at him, "Have a nice trip?"

Remus snarled at him as he pulled himself up onto the bank next to Snape. Turning suddenly to look over his shoulder, "Did you hear that?"

Snape looked around and both men extinguished their wands as they noticed bobbing lights heading their way from outside the structure. Crouching down in the shadow of the tree they could hear the doors open and the sounds of voices.

"I don't know about this, professor," a man voiced his doubt. "Are you sure it will be safe?"

"That is why we built the path up and put the fence around it. There is no way they will be able to hurt anyone," another voice reassured. "They should be waking up from the tranquilizers," there was a hint of excitement in the voice now. "Did you bring the chickens? They will be hungry after their long trip."

"I have them right here," was the nervous reply. "How do you feed them?"

"Oh you just throw the chickens to them."

Remus was tapping Snape on his shoulder. Snape shrugged him off impatiently trying to tell where the two men were headed. Remus insistently nudged Snape until he turned to see what he could possibly want.

Remus was staring wild-eyed at a log floating in the water. Snape was wondering what had gotten into the other man, when the floating log, opened it's mouth revealing rows of sharp, pointed teeth and hissed at them while yellow glowing eyes reflected the light, "Apparate now!" Snape said.

Remus nodded and with a loud crack they were both standing at the gates of Hogwarts. "Can I have my clothes?" Remus inquired.

"I gave them back to you," Snape told him as he shook out his pants in order to cover his boxer-clad form. It was all he had managed to grab before they had Apparated.

"No you didn't and I am getting cold," Remus glared at him.

"I gave them to you when you fell out of the tree," Snape insisted.

"You did not," Remus insisted in turn.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too, oh this is ridiculous," Snape snarled.

"I agree, now just give me my clothes and I will be on my way home," Remus said with as much dignity as he could muster.

"I don't have your clothes," Snape insisted.

"Than what are you putting on," Remus was shivering and staring hard at Snape was he struggled to pull on a pair of trousers.

"These are my clothes," Snape told him.

"I don't believe you," Remus shivered again.

"I don't care what you believe," Snape snarled.

Remus grabbed hold of one of the legs of the pants and began to tug, "Give me my pants."

"These are my pants," Snape insisted refusing to release the fabric.

"Look, you have your boxers, just give me the trousers and I can make my way home," Remus tugged harder.

"I have to walk through the castle and there is no way in hell I am going to do that in just my boxers," Snape tugged back firmly.

"Pr'fessers, did ye need some 'elp?" Hagrid's voice had both men jumping guiltily realizing how ridiculous they looked engaged in a tug of war over a pair of trousers.

"Pr'fesser Lupin, if ye don't mind me sayin' ye seem te 'ave misplaced yer clothes," Hagrid said in his approximation of a whisper.

"Actually, _I_ haven't misplaced them, Professor Snape _has_," and Remus turned on his heel and headed toward Hogsmeade before remembering he was a wizard and could Apparate, with a crack he was gone.

Hagrid shook his head before looking at Snape, "I wouldn't want te 'ave to be the one explainin' to me missus where I had lost me clothes."

Amber woke up to someone pounding on the front door. Amber climbed out of bed and headed downstairs and peered through the window at the front stoop. No one was there. Wondering if she could have been dreaming, she headed back to bed. Before she was half way up the stairs the pounding came again.

She took a firm grip on her wand and looked out the window again, this time she saw Remus' waving his wand from the bushes next to the door.

Opening the door cautiously she looked out into the yard, "Remus, what are you doing out here?"

"The wards are up and I can't Apparate into the house," he hissed looking around to see if they had woken any of the neighbors.

"Well get into the house, and why are you in the bushes?" Amber's question was answered as Remus streaked from the bushes into the house, picking her up to get her out of his way and slamming the door with his hip at the same time.

"Remus, where are your clothes?" Amber managed to ask calmly.

"Somewhere between here and the botanical gardens," Remus said casually as if it were perfectly normal to be wondering around naked in the middle of the night.

"You were helping Severus collect the potion ingredients?" Alexis said from her comfortable perch in Remus' arms.

"Yes," was his succinct reply.

"Did you forget that this was a plot between you and Alexis to get back at Severus?"

"He challenged my honor as a Gryffindor," Remus told her seriously.

"As long as you had a good reason to get naked and climb trees in a Muggle botanical garden, dear," Amber kissed him as he carried her up to bed.

Severus hobbled up the long drive from the gates to the entrance to the castle. He wondered if he had managed to step on every stone or if it just felt like it. Why couldn't he have remembered to grab at least the wooden shoes? Although he was glad he had managed to bring both bags containing the Spanish moss with him.

He was going to have a long talk with Dumbledore about why inter-grounds Apparating was not allowed. He could understand not being able to Apparate into the grounds but it made no sense not to be able to Apparate from place to place within the castle and grounds.

A particularly sharp rock chose that moment to make its way under Snape's right foot. Snape hexed the rock to dust and then felt like seven types of fool as he looked at the wand in his hand and then transfigured two leaves into shoes.

He was still limping from the previous bruises and scrapes but was not collecting any new injuries. Snape managed to make it into the castle without running into anyone. His luck ran out there though as Peeves was engaged in a running battle with Mr. Filch. Peeves was lobbing water balloons at the enraged man and cackling like a hen about to lay an egg.

Filch was sputtering with fury while chasing after Peeves, not looking where he was going he ran right into Snape knocking him on his arse. "Professor, I didn't see you there," Filch apologized as he offered a hand to help Snape to his feet. "Professor, if you don't mind me saying so, you seem to have lost some of your clothes. I bet it was Peeves who stole them. Wait until I tell the Headmaster that Peeves is stealing clothes from the professors, he will have to throw him out then," Filch hurried off to write up his report on Peeves.

Snape didn't have the energy to correct Filch. Glaring at Peeves he dared him to say anything, "One word from you and I will have a long talk with the Bloody Baron."

Peeves threw his remaining water balloons at Snape before zipping down a side corridor. Snape managed to dodge all but two of the balloons. With water dripping from his hair he finished making his way to his quarters.

Snape woke the next morning to an itching sensation all over his neck and wrists. Alexis took one look at him and snorted, "Where on earth did you get chiggers?"

Snape was scratching his wrists and neck, "What are you talking about?"

"You have chigger bites all over your neck and wrists. Did you get the Spanish moss for my potion?"

"Yes, and what the hell are chiggers?" Snape snarled as the itching got worse.

"Stop scratching it only makes it worse," Alexis warned. "Chiggers are tiny mites that live in Spanish moss. You need to medicate the rash or it will last seven to eight days."

"SEVERUS! SEVERUS, GET YOUR SKINNY ASS IN HERE AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Alexis hurried into the parlor to find Remus' head sticking out of the fireplace. It was red, puffy and swollen.

"Oh my, Remus, what happened?"

"Ask your husband," Remus gritted out. "I am covered head to foot in a red itchy rash.

"Head to foot?" Alexis repeated. "How… naked? You let him talk you into gathering the moss? Severus, how could you? I thought you were going to get these ingredients for me. You get over to Remus and Amber's house and treat him right now," Alexis ordered.

AN: loverofallthingsliterary: I like your version of your name (grins) since I also love all things literary. Thanks for the reviews.

Jonquillejaune: Thanks for the heads but on the name changing uncle. I'll get that corrected and thanks for the review, glad you like the story.

Greyfalcon: Thanks for the idea for the dryad!

Camila: Yes, Snuffles will make an appearance. In GOF he shows up around March so we have a little while before we see him again…but I have some definite ideas about his role in this story. Midnight Lily has named baby girl Lupin that will be revealed in a future chapter.

Radingsouls4u: I agree it would be great!

Carsonsheir: Glad you enjoyed it!

GraceRichie: Always great the hear from you. Can't wait for your next updates!

MarkDarcy: I am also the same way about those types of stores. Although my real favorite is trade shows where they give pens and pads, etc away as advertising promotions. That is where I really have to control myself. I went to one last year and came back with three bags full of stuff…ahhh the good old days.

Thank you to the ones who read but don't review. Hope you are liking the story too.


	21. All Good Things Must Come To An End

Disclaimer: I don't claim.

**Chapter 21 All Good Things Must Come to An End**

_Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more._

_Mark Twain _

Snape was even more irritable than usual. The salve he had used on his rash was not really helping. It had turned out that Remus not only had chigger bites but also a very bad case of poison ivy. Snape decided that if he was going to have an apprentice he might as well use him.

Darien was setting up the potion's classroom for the first lesson of the day. The class would be second year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. The two houses got along rather well and the Ravenclaws kept the Hufflepuffs from making too many mistakes. Darien should be able to handle teaching them.

Darien looked up with a smile of greeting that quickly turned to a frown of concern upon seeing Snape's neck and wrists, "Professor, where on earth did you get chigger bites? What did you put on them? Great-aunt Jeanne Marie had a salve that would clear them up in a couple of hours. Would you like me to whip it up for you?"

Snape impatiently waited out the flood of questions, "Obtaining a potion ingredient for the bloody potion Alexis is determined to make; a calamine potion; yes."

"I didn't know Alexis was making a potion, which one is it?" Darien asked curious.

"The one you translated for them," Snape sneered as through a great effort of will he refrained from scratching.

"I didn't translate a potion," Darien said and noticing that Snape's fingers were twitching with the effort not to scratch. "Let me go get Great-aunt Jeanne Marie's book from Amber and I'll make up that potion for you."

"Is you aunt's book written in French?" Snape asked beginning to get a suspicion that everything was not as it seemed.

"A French dialect; she married a Cajun wizard and moved to Louisiana in the United States. Her mother-in-law taught her some amazing Cajun recipes for both potions and food. She made these amazing sweets she called choco-crocs. They were chocolate covered crocodile shaped treats that would just melt in your mouth. She made a fortune when she sold the recipe to a Muggle company who tried to produce them commercially, but they are no where near as good as Auntie Jeanne's." Darien came back to himself, "I'll be right back," and he hurried from the room.

When he came back he carried a large, heavy, tome that was about four inches thick. He was flipping through the pages, "Here it is: Chigger-Rid. We have all the ingredients in the storeroom, I'll just start it?"

"That would be appreciated. Do you think I could look through the book?" Snape asked quietly.

"Certainly," Darien smiled and laid the book open on one of the work tables and began to gather the ingredients he would need.

Snape marked the place in the heavy, dusty book and began to flip through the pages. He could read enough French to realize that he had no hope of translating what was written on the pages before him. Trying to act casual Snape asked, "What are some of the other potions and recipes in this book?"

"Well there is the Feathered Dodo breast," Darien enthused. "Of course you don't use real Dodo bird breast, but quail or duck is a good substitute. And then one of my personal favorites is Dead Ghost. It is the white chocolate version of Death By Chocolate. Very rich. You have to drink almost a whole bottle of milk while you are eating it in order to cut the richness," Darien was busy mixing ingredients and didn't notice the expression on Snape's face. "She had some home remedies that had been passed down in her husband's family for generations. This is one of them," Darien nodded at the potion he was making.

"Fascinating," Snape said absently as he tried to determine if Lupin had been in on it or just Alexis and Amber. Thinking back to the misery that Remus was now experiencing and how he had climbed the tree last night, Snape could not see him knowingly participating in the ruse. Now the next step was to determine what was to be done with his treacherous wife and her evil side-kick.

"Darien, does your book have anything to help with poison ivy?" Snape queried.

"I believe so, would you like me to look it up and then brew a batch? This one should be ready in about ten minutes."

"That would be extremely helpful," Snape smirked as a plot began to hatch.

The Chigger-rid potion Darien had brewed for Snape was a vast improvement and had cured his chigger bites in only a few hours. Snape visited Remus later that afternoon with the Chigger-rid and the poison ivy potions as well as his plan.

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Amber let Snape in and directed him to the bathroom. Remus was chin deep in a grey lumpy substance that Snape identified by smell as oatmeal, his hair was plastered with the stuff and it was caked all over his face, leaving only a small smear of uncovered area for his eyes, nose and mouth, "Remus, what are you doing?"

"This is the only thing that is keeping me sane," Remus replied through barely slitted lips.

"It looks as if you are sitting in porridge," Snape said with his lips in a curl of distaste.

"That is exactly what I am doing. An oatmeal bath is keeping me from scratching myself raw," Remus glared at the smirking Snape.

"I have something here that will be much more effective than oatmeal," Snape dangled two bottles in front on him temptingly.

"What are they?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Two potions from an old book, one is Chigger-Rid and the other is for poison ivy," Snape was now watching Remus' reaction closely. "Darien got them out of the same book as Alexis got her potion." Snape found it impossible to read Remus' face with all the oatmeal caked on it.

"Really, have you tried it yet?" Remus questioned. "Or do I get to be your test subject?"

"I used the Chigger-rid and in twenty minutes the itching was gone and in three hours the rash was completely gone."

"Well give it here then," Remus demanded as with some effort he lifted his arm out of the thick glop that filled the tub.

Snape stared at the hand that was held out to him, although the only reason he could tell it should be a hand was that it was attach to Remus' wrist. It was lumpy and there were no discernable fingers just a large paw.

"What happened to your hand?" Snape asked appalled.

"Oh, I was scratching so much Amber put mitts on my hands," Remus explained. "Now give me the bottles."

"Just a moment," Snape held the bottles just out of Remus' grasp. "I need your help with something."

"Helping you is what got me in this mess in the first place," Remus' glare was ruined by the plop of oatmeal falling off of his nose.

"I discovered that there is no potion. That Alexis has just picked out a list of strange recipes and sent me on a wild Fwooper chase," Snape sneered.

"And this was after you messed up her birthday?" Remus asked wondering if he could get enough purchase to lunge and grab the bottles from Snape.

"Well yes," Snape admitted. "But that was an accident and mostly your fault."

"And what about the jerk-o-lantern you sent her?"

"That was a partial revenge for the Valentine's Day Massacre," Snape defended himself.

"So when does all of this stop?" Remus asked sinking back into the tub tiredly.

"As soon as I am ahead," Snape said as if that was the most reasonable thing in the world.

"And if you never get ahead, then this will go on forever?" Remus asked. "When the two of you are old and feeble you will still be trying to get one up on the other one. Will you be kicking her cane out from under her while she loosens the screws on your wheelchair?"

Snape sat down on the closed toilet. His Slytherin nature was such that he could not stand the thought of allowing someone to get the better of him. But Remus did have a point, how much longer could they go on like this?

"Look, someone is going to get hurt if the two of you keep this up," Remus warned. "And I can almost guarantee it is going to be me. So if you two don't mind, why don't we call for a truce?"

"A truce?" Snape said as if had never heard such a foul word.

"Yes, a truce," Remus was adamant. "You can let her know how smart you are because you figured out her trick on you and that can be your one up. Then you can be the bigger person and suggest a cease fire."

Snape thought about it as he absently leaned forward and held the first vile to Remus' lips, "Give that one five minutes and then you can have the next potion," he explained.

"So if I confront her with her perfidy and then offer to forgive her that would make me the better man?" Snape said out loud.

"No, it would make you the man that sleeps alone on the sofa," Remus replied with a grin. "You can't go in all confrontational. You have to be slick. Just present her with the items on the list. You said that some of the ingredients were actually recipes?" Remus said, playing dumb.

"Yes, the dead ghost, breast feather of a dodo bird, and the choco-crocs," Snape replied.

"Do you think you could get the house elves to cook them for you?" Remus was thinking hard.

"Probably, why?" Snape asked.

"Why not prepare her an elaborate dinner with the potion ingredients she asked for? That way she will know that you know about the deception and it will give you the advantage in the truce negotiations."

"That just might work," Snape conceded as he handed Remus the second potion. "But if it doesn't then you will assist me in any plan that I deem appropriate."

"Deal," Remus said as he choked down the second potion.

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Snape got Darien to translate the recipes for Feathered Breast and Dead Ghost for the house elves. Slinky assured Snape that there would be no problem fixing these for a special dinner. Remus' contribution was to take the twins for the evening. By taking the twins he made sure they were out of the line of fire and gave the couple time to work through the truce without having to worry about the boys.

Amber invited Darien to dinner as well, that way they could keep him from bothering Snape and Alexis. Darien would bring the twins with him and Amber would make sure all three boys spent the night.

Snape channeled his Slytherin traits into making sure the evening was perfect. He wanted to show Alexis that he was on to her without allowing her to much wiggle room. Snape was determined to come out on top in the truce negotiations.

Snape went up to Alexis' office and escorted her to their rooms. Alexis looked around at how the room had been fixed and smiled as she remembered their first intimate dinner together: hopefully this one wouldn't end in an allergic reaction.

Snape seated her at the candlelit table and poured her a glass of chilled champagne. "What are we celebrating?" Alexis asked as she took a sip of her wine.

"Our life together and how wonderful it has been," Snape smirked at her. "I know I don't tell you this often enough, but I do love you," Snape leaned down and gave her a slow gentle kiss. Alexis' eyes were bright with unshed tears at the romance of the gesture.

"I know that I can depend on your love," Snape continued as he seated himself, "and your total honesty."

Alexis froze as she was about to take another sip of the champagne, "I love you too, Severus."

Snape took her hand and kissed the palm, letting his tongue dart out and tease her skin, "Yes, having someone I can fully trust is so important to me."

Alexis shivered and began to feel a little guilty about some of the pranks she had pulled on Snape. "I love you too, Severus," she said a little desperately.

Snape took her hand again, "Alexis, having you to trust and knowing that you would never do anything to embarrass me or cause me any type of pain, I don't know if I have the words to express how that makes me feel."

Snape realized that he may have over done it with the last statement, "Why don't we start dinner? I had Slinky prepare a special dinner for us."

Snape served her the first course of field greens in a balsamic vinegar dressing with black grapes and walnuts.

They talked of inconsequential things while enjoying their salads. Alexis spoke of how she was nervous about teaching her first sex ed class next week. Snape warned her to be strict from the start and not to allow the class to be disruptive. A firm hand was needed with the imbeciles that masqueraded as students.

The next course appeared with a pop. Alexis tasted it and found it delicious, "What is this, Severus? I don't think I've seen it served here before?" Alexis took another bite as she waited for Snape to answer.

"It is feathered dodo breast," Snape replied with a smirk. Alexis started choking on her mouthful. Snape walked around and patted her on the back to clear her airways.

When she had recovered he returned to his seat and proceeded to finish his portion.

"Dare I ask what we are having for desert?" Alexis inquired.

"Dead ghost and choco-crocs of course," Snape replied with his most potent sneer.

"I have wanted to try the dead ghost," Alexis allowed with a grin. "How long have you known?"

"Long enough," Snape replied. "Alexis, this has got to stop before someone gets hurt."

Alexis gave a heavy sigh, "I suppose you are right."

"I am always right," Snape smirked.

"I don't know if I would go that far," Alexis grinned. "But no more tricks or pranks, from either of us."

"Agreed, now that I am ahead of you," Snape agreed.

Alexis narrowed her eyes, "And just how do you figure you are ahead?"

"Because I figured out your potion problem before you could complete it," Snape explained.

Alexis considered it for a moment. She would allow him this victory because she knew she had gotten off relatively lightly considering the Valentine's Day Massacre, "I concede the field to you. You are the Master Manipulator, the Premier Prankster and as always dead sexy."

Snape nodded once regally in acceptance of the accolades.

Alexis and Snape had no way of knowing what the other was thinking and would have been surprised to find how much they mirrored the others thoughts: they had agreed not to prank each other, but nothing was said about playing pranks on any one else.

AN: jonquillejaune: BTW I love your name. Glad you enjoyed the chiggers.

Melissa: The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (Mark Twain). Life

intruded so I didn't have as much time to write as usual. But, my life is back to

normal (read boring) so I should be able to update more often. Also, please,

please, please, let me know exactly where I mess up on names, that way I can go

back and fix them (this note to anyone who finds a mistake). Thanks.

GraceRichie: I was married for eleven years, if you want a man to do something challenge

his honor or tell him he is too old to do it!

MarkDarcy: Always a pleasure to hear from you! Microwave any new Spanish moss you

collect and that will kill the chiggers.

JennSmith: You are welcome!


	22. Teach Me

Disclaimer: I decline to claim.

**Chapter 22 Teach Me**

_Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. _

_Albert Einstein_

Alexis came back from teaching her first sex ed class exhausted, frustrated and vaguely amused. Snape was grading papers when she came in. Without a word he got up and poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her.

Downing it in one gulp she held out the glass for a refill. "I take it your first class didn't go well?" Snape asked with a slight smirk.

"I expected some misconceptions and to run into some hedge witches tails, but this… I just can't believe that parents send their kids to school so ignorant of something so vital," Alexis slumped down on the coach.

Snape settled beside her and pulled her feet into his lap, pulling off her shoes he began to rub her feet. "Tell me about it," he requested with a bigger smirk.

"Ahhh, that feels so good," Alexis took a sip from her second glass of wine. "Did you know that twins come because the mommy and daddy plant two cabbages?" Snape snorted, "Oh, I had to give one of your Snakes detention."

"Why?" Snape stiffened slightly.

"Because she was rude to Amber," Alexis tried to swallow a chuckle. "She said that she could see how Mrs. Lupin could tell them how to _get_ pregnant but obviously she didn't know how to prevent it."

"No points?" Snape asked.

"I took points from Gryffindor and Slytherin for trying to embarrass each other," Alexis was shaking her head at the memory.

"What did they do?"

"Miss Truly asked if it was true that you could go blind from masturbation." Alexis started.

"That could be a valid question," Snape defended his house.

"I wouldn't have taken points, but the second part of the question was: '…and if so is that why Hampton has to wear glasses, you know, because she isn't doing it right?'" Alexis continued. "Then one of the Gryffindors said that it is apparent Miss Truly masturbates because she is crazy."

Snape snickered.

"And you wouldn't believe the names they came up with for a woman's menstrual cycle: the monthly owl; the crimson curse; bitchy witchy week; kneazle has a nosebleed; red witch; trolling for vampires; and vampire's lunch sac were just some of the more amusing ones."

Snape looked a little green at that, "Not your cup of tea?" Alexis asked with a grin for his masculine discomfort. "They calmed down after a bit and we were able to go over female anatomy. I am really not looking forward to tomorrow," Alexis groaned.

"Why is that?" Snape asked.

"We go over male secondary sexual characteristics and the male anatomy," Alexis picked up a pillow and tried to smother herself with it.

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The next morning found Alexis and Amber in the classroom with all of the first year girls. They were exchanging looks of resignation as the chattering and laughing eleven year olds hurried in and took their seats.

"Good morning class," Alexis started.

"Good morning, Mrs. Snape," came the response, liberally interspersed with giggles.

"We are going to be discussing males today. I will allow a certain amount of giggling due to the subject material. However, if it gets out of hand I will take points and or assign detention as I see fit. This is something that you need to know and any attempt to embarrass another student will result in detention and points being taken. Is that clear?" Alexis waited until everyone had nodded. "Now, that doesn't mean that you cannot ask any legitimate question. Mrs. Lupin, if you don't mind."

Alexis waited while Amber, with a flick of her wand, attached a poster on the wall with the outline of a male body on it.

"Today we are going to be discussing secondary sexual characteristics of the male," Amber waited out a few giggles. "Can anyone name some of them?"

One Ravenclaw raised her hand while blushing furiously, "Yes, Miss Quirke?"

"They start getting visits from the Good Dream Fairy," was her surprising contribution.

"The Good Dream Fairy?" Amber asked in surprise.

"Yes, I heard my older brothers talking about it. Ryan was telling Timmy something wasn't anything to be bothered about, that all guys got visited by her when they hit a certain age," Orla Quirke explained while still blushing. "Ryan was showing Timmy how to do the laundry while they were talking."

Alexis decided that she was going to have to ask Snape if there was a somber potion to help her keep a straight face. "Boys do start having specific dreams when they reach puberty. We will go into that further a little later. Right now we are going to discuss the fact that they may start shaving their faces, developing hair on their chests, under their arms and around their genitals."

Eleanor Branstone raised her hand, "What does religion have to do with hair growth?"

"I beg your pardon?" Alexis was stumped.

"You said they start to develop hair around their genitals." Alexis nodded. "My mom is Jewish and my dad isn't so my gran says he is a genital," Eleanor asked completely serious.

"Miss Branstone, I believe that would be Gen_tile_," Alexis said not daring to make eye contact with Amber. "The word I used was genitals, which refers to the external reproductive organs, in males that would be the penis and testes and for women the vagina."

"That makes more sense," Eleanor looked relieved.

"Why are some guys hairier than others?" Emma Dobbs asked as she raised her hand. "My dad doesn't have hardly any hair at all, he is bald as an egg, but my mum's dad looks like a bear. We went swimming one time and it looked like he was wearing a hair shirt."

Amber carefully explained about hirsutism and male baldness.

"What do you do if you fall in love with someone who is all hairy?" came from a Hufflepuff.

"That is slightly off subject, but if you really truly love someone, you won't care if they look like a bear rug or if they are bald. True love is seeing someone else's faults and loving them anyway," Alexis explained. "Now let's go on to primary sexual characteristics," Alexis used a pointer to indicate the poster on the wall and as she began to detail what is what, magical drawings of the organ began to appear in the appropriate places on the drawing.

During this part of the lecture there was complete silence from the classroom. When she had finished, Alexis with great reluctance called for questions.

"Can guys really get blue balls and die from it?" Miss Truly displayed her precociousness.

"No, next question," Amber tried.

"What are blue balls?" asked a confused Hufflepuff.

Alexis and Amber closed their eyes and prayed for divine intervention and at that moment the bell rang, "Class dismissed," they chorused in relief.

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Friday night found Alexis and Amber celebrating the end of the first part of the sex ed class. Now all they had to do was get through a week with the first year boys and then all those weekend classes with the rest of the school.

Remus and Snape had met Alexis and Amber at the Three Broomsticks. They were going to eat and relax. Remus grinned at the two frazzled witches, "So are you ready for the boys?"

A question which earned him dirty looks from both Alexis and Amber, "I guess not," he teased.

"Why don't you and Severus teach the boys?" Amber asked with a smirk.

"You couldn't pay me enough to teach that class," Remus laughed.

Snape allowed, "For once, as much as it pains me to admit it, I must concur with Remus."

"What did you two know about sex when you were eleven?" Alexis asked.

"Everything," Remus bragged before continuing, "that could possibly be wrong, we knew."

Snape raised one brow in derision, "My father sat me down before I started Hogwarts and explained his version of the 'birds and bees' which was basically, as a Snape you are a pureblood and while Mud…Muggle born are for dalliance, only a Pureblood is appropriate for forming permanent alliances. And not to get any girl 'in trouble' and then he taught me a contraceptive charm and sent me on my way."

"Short and to the point," Alexis raised her glass in toast.

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A week later in the Snape's quarters Alexis and Amber celebrated the end of this portion of their teaching career and entertained Remus and Snape with highlights from the class.

"Mr. Ackerly told us that his dad explained to him that his older sisters would be really cranky every month and to leave them alone when they got that way: oh, and if he found any strange looking stuff in the bathroom _not_ to touch it," Amber started.

"Best advice you can give a guy," Remus agreed with a grin, ducking the pillow Alexis threw at him.

"The Good Dream Fairy made another appearance," Alexis grinned. "Mr. Whitby explained that to those in the class who hadn't heard of her and the importance of learning how to do your own laundry."

Remus and Snape exchanged puzzled looks before it hit them what she meant. "I really liked her," Remus smiled in remembrance, "much better than the Tooth Fairy."

"And Mr. Braddock had to ask if masturbation caused hairy palms and then laughed as everyone in the class looked at their hands," Amber laughed.

"That one is so old it has mold on it," Remus complained.

"Not to an eleven year old," Amber replied.

"Some of the names they had for sexual intercourse where priceless," Amber chuckled.

"Do tell," Remus invited.

"Let's see some of the more inventive: horizontal hula, bit of bouncy bouncy; driving the pink love bus into tuna town, couch Quidditch, skin the Kneazle, and score the Quaffle are just the best I can remember off the top of my head," Amber was laughing so hard her eyes had started to tear up.

"What is it about Slytherins and how 'advanced' they are?" Alexis teased. "Mr. Braddock also wanted to know if it was true that men peaked at eighteen and women at forty."

"What did you tell him?" Snape asked.

"Not from personal experience," Alexis said with a straight face.

"You did not?" Remus was laughing so hard he almost fell out of his chair.

"No, I didn't," Alexis admitted. "I told him certain Muggle studies seemed to support that assumption; however, wizards, with their longer life spans did not appear to follow that trend."

"How did he react to that?" Snape wanted to know.

"He looked very disappointed," Amber snickered. "I think he was trying to make a case for some one-on-one education," Amber continued not noticing Alexis' warning look.

"Indeed," Snape said coldly.

"Now, Severus, he is an eleven year old Slytherin. Would you really expect anything different from him?" Alexis tried to defuse the situation.

Snape made no response and Alexis mentally winced as she wondered what Snape would do to the poor boy.

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Fred and George Weasley along with their friend Lee Jordan cornered Dennis Creevey in the Gryffindor Common Room before dinner Friday night, "So Creevey, you just finished the sex ed class with Mrs. Snape and Lupin?"

"Yes," Dennis blushed as he remembered some of the stuff they had talked about.

"How was it?" Fred asked.

"Did you learn anything?" George inquired.

"Was there any hands-on demonstrations?" Lee leered.

"What do you mean?" Dennis was puzzled by the rapid fire questions.

"Two very pretty witches, teaching such a potent subject," George waggled his eyebrows at the confused eleven year old.

"Surely they gave demonstrations," Fred winked.

"Demonstrations of what? And don't call me Shirley, that's Collin's middle name," Dennis stuttered out.

Fred and George filed away that tidbit of information for future use, "You know, Dennis, demonstrations on _how_ to do _things_?" Lee smirked knowingly.

"They showed us how to do contraceptive charms," Dennis said not sure if that is what they meant.

"That's all?" Fred asked disappointed.

"They had a poster of a girl and it showed the female reproduction organs. It was actually kind of gross seeing what a girl has on her insides. Not that the poster of the boy was all that much better. I really could have gone on for the rest of my life without knowing what the inside of my bits look like," Dennis scrunched his face in disgust, "and finding out what girls have to do every month. That is disgusting. Although it really makes you wonder about them. I mean they cry and whine and moan if they get a parchment cut, you wouldn't think they would be able to do that for a solid week," Dennis shook his head.

George, Fred and Lee walked over to the far corner of the common room, "Well, I have to admit that I am really disappointed in Alexis," Fred sighed.

"Yes Gred, I thought that she would be a tad more imaginative and forward thinking," George sympathized.

"You know Forge," Fred got a sly look on his face, "I wonder if anyone else has questioned any of the first years."

"What are you thinking Gred?"

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Ron, Harry and Hermione were sitting at their usual spot at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall when Fred, George and Lee came in and plopped down around them.

As if continuing a conversation, "I don't believe it mate, I just can't see Dumbledore allowing it," Fred commented.

"I tell you the class for the older students is going to be a '_how to_' class," Lee insisted.

"Nope, there is no way," George disagreed.

"Look I overheard Mrs. Snape telling Mrs. Lupin that she had found a way to charm something called a movie projector so that it would run without magic. They are going to show us Muggle movies of people actually having sex!" Lee whispered at a level deliberately designed to get everyone's attention.

Lee now had every student in the near vicinity's complete and undivided attention, "They were talking about how it would demonstrate all the different positions and be easier than just trying to talk about it or use a picture to demonstrate."

Dean Thomas leaned over, "You mean they are going to show us Muggle stag films?"

"What's a stag film?" Ron asked.

Dean flushed, "My cousin showed me one, it has people shagging. One guy was snogging two girls at the same time."

Neville looked like he was about to pass out at the thought of seeing two girls snogging one guy.

"Now really," Hermione said at her prissiest. "There is no way that teachers are going to show us something like that."

"She's probably right," Fred nodded. "I doubt if it will be more than one bloke and one girl."

Before Hermione could continue she found herself alone at the table except for the first and second years. The rest of her classmates had gone to spread the word about what could be expected in sex ed the next day.

Fred and George had moved over to sit with some Ravenclaws they knew. Lee came up during the middle of their discussion of Quidditch, "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" George asked.

"Mrs. Snape is going to demonstrate how to use a Muggle condom," Lee whispered.

"What's a condom?" one of the Ravenclaws asked loudly.

"It's what a Muggle bloke puts on his bits to keep his girl from getting pregnant," Lee explained.

"And Mrs. Snape is going to demonstrate how to use one?" disbelief evident in the question. "How, on herself?"

"How can she do that? She hasn't got any bits," Fred asked in disgust.

"She is going to use a banana or a cucumber," Lee continued.

"I don't believe you," Stephen Grimes said while the rest of the Ravenclaws nodded their agreement.

"Hold on," Lee turned around and grabbed a passing first year, "Banana or cucumber?"

"Cucumber," he stuttered out looking at his friends for help.

Releasing his arm, Lee turned back to the group he was talking to, "See I told you so." The looks had gone from disbelief to cautious acceptance.

The group of first years continued on their way out of the Great Hall. No one else heard one of the guys whisper to the one Lee questioned, "Why did he want to know what you had for dinner?"

The hapless eleven year old just shrugged in response.

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Saturday found Amber and Alexis in one of the largest classroom looking out over the sea of faces wondering once again how the heck they had gotten themselves into this mess. They were also wondering at the avid looks of intent interest on all of the faces present.

Fred and George Weasley were sitting front and center grinning wickedly at the two witches. Alexis gave them a look that warned of horrible retribution should they disrupt the class. Fred started polishing an imaginary halo and George began to preen his invisible wings.

Alexis rolled her eyes at their antics and then called the class to order, "Welcome to Remedial Sex Education. We have some very important ground rules to set up before we begin: there will be absolutely no embarrassing of your fellow students…"

Fred interrupted, "Does that mean the teachers are fair game?"

"No," Alexis continued. "Any disruption of the class will result in the person causing the disruption being expelled from the class and they will not be allowed to return. This is an elective class. So Mrs. Lupin and I can elect to evict you from it. Any questions? Good. Let us begin."

Forty-five minutes later, "No Mr. Weasley, this is not a class on how to pick up witches. That is something you have to learn on your own and no you cannot practice on me or Mrs. Lupin."

A voice from the back of the room asked, "When are we going to see the moving pictures?"

"What moving pictures?" Amber asked trying to see who had asked the question.

"You know the Muggle moving pictures of people shagging," a different voice responded.

"We are supposed to get to see some stag films," yet another voice came from the far corner of the room. Alexis and Amber realized that the students were using a variation of the sonorous charm so that the voice was changed and appeared to be coming from all over the room.

"I can only guess as to where you might have gotten that idea," Alexis said with a pointed look at the Weasley twins. "But I can only assure you that we will not be showing any form of Muggle moving pictures. For those of you who have not picked up on it, Muggle items requiring electricity do not work at Hogwarts due to the amount of magical interference." Alexis heard Hermione whisper "I told you so."

"Now if we may continue," Alexis was interrupted again.

"Does that mean you are not going to need my cucumber?"

Alexis closed her eyes and silently counted to ten. When that didn't help, she counted to twenty, "I'm not even going to ask why I would need a cucumber," forestalling any attempt to explain, "and I don't want to know why you would think I would need a cucumber."

"How about a banana then?"

"No fruits nor vegetables will be used in the teaching of this class. Fred and George Weasley: detention with Madame Pomfrey." Seeing Lee Jordan's smirk, "Mr. Jordan you will join them. I will arrange your detention with her myself as I have something very special in mind for you three," Alexis was thinking that the expectant father lecture Poppy had given Severus would be just punishment for the three mischief makers.

As they started to object, "I do not want to hear it. The only reason you three have not been evicted from the class is that I do not have any proof that you are the source of the rumors. Be satisfied that all I am requiring of you is a detention."

The three settled back in their seats with sulky looks while Amber and Alexis continued their lecture.

"We have gone over some of the more common contraceptive measures available to witches and wizards. These will prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases; however, if you are going to be involved with a Muggle you need to use Muggle contraceptives and protection," Alexis ignored the look of disgust on some of the faces.

"Mrs. Snape," a Hufflepuff fourth year tentatively raised her hand, "What method is one hundred percent effective in keeping you from getting pregnant?"

"Abstinence," was Alexis' succinct reply.

"My gran told me to keep a knut between your knees," another Hufflepuff offered.

"How does that help?" a Slytherin asked sarcastically.

"As long as you keep your legs closed, the knut won't drop and you can't get pregnant," she snickered.

"Just a more imaginative way of saying abstinence," Amber grinned.

Someone trying to disguise their voice asked from the back of the room, "So who is the better lover, Professor Snape or Professor Lupin?"

Before either Amber of Alexis could recover from the shock that anyone would ask such a question a heated debate broke out among the girls in the class with the Slytherins championing their head of house and the rest of the girls on Remus' side and the boys looking on in horror.

"Obviously it would be Professor Snape, you know what they say about the size of a man's nose reflecting the size of his… assets," Pansy Parkinson offered.

"Yes, but Professor Lupin is a werewolf, so he would be have to be a real animal in the sack," Angelina Johnson rebutted.

"Professor Snape is a perfectionist, he would bring that quality to the bedroom," came from a Slytherin seventh year.

"Snape's voice would be enough to make most women hot," a sixth year Slytherin added.

"If you could keep him from cutting you to ribbons with his razor sharp tongue," a Ravenclaw sneered.

"If his tongue is that dexterous in other ways, he can use it on me anytime," Alexis tried to find who had said that with no luck.

"Professor Lupin has the better butt," a fourth year Hufflepuff opinioned.

Amber whispered to Alexis, "I have to agree with that."

Alexis gave her a dirty look before whispering back, "I agree that Remus has a very nice butt, however, I believe Severus' is superior in form and muscularity."

"Well you are entitled to your opinion," Amber sneered. "No matter how wrong it may be."

"I'll have you know that Severus has the perfect male bottom. It is the perfect shape and size and is firm and you could just wish that Remus' butt was a nice as Severus'" Alexis said indignantly.

The class had stopped their debate to listen to the two witches who had gotten progressively louder.

"You wish," Amber retaliated. "I can bounce a knut off of Remus' butt it is so tight and firm and he is an amazing lover."

"I don't doubt that," Alexis conceded. "However, Severus is a tireless, considerate, masterful, _and_ amazing lover."

"We did it four times in one night," Amber countered.

"We did it _six_ times," Alexis sneered.

"I bet," Amber smirked. "But in and out in and out in and out, doesn't really count as six times."

"You take that back," Alexis demanded.

"I will not," Amber refused.

"Remus isn't half the man Severus is," Alexis stated with conviction.

"He doesn't have half the nose Severus has, I'll give you that," Amber grinned nastily.

"I am so sorry," Alexis started. "I mean you know what they say about the size of a man's nose reflecting the size of his attributes, so obviously Remus really isn't half the man Severus is."

"You take that back," Amber said drawing her wand.

"You take back what you said about Severus first," Alexis drew her wand.

"You first," Amber cried.

Neither witch noticed several of the students running from the classroom. Draco Malfoy burst into Snape's office panting for breath, "Professor, come quick! Mrs. Snape and Mrs. Lupin are getting ready to duel."

Remus had just arrived to get his potion, "Mr. Malfoy, what did you just say?"

"I said your wife and Professor Snape's wife are about to get in a duel," Draco had almost caught his breath and turned to head back to the classroom.

Remus and Snape hurried after him, "What are they dueling over?" Snape asked.

"Which of you is the better lover," Draco responded to their astonishment.

When the three arrived at the classroom, they found that all of the desks had been pushed against the wall and the students were standing around staring at the two women.

Alexis had just cast a jelly-legs jinx, "You should be used to that, since I'm sure that after three times, that is what Remus is reduced to."

Snape looked at Remus, "Three times?"

Remus just shrugged modestly.

Amber retaliated with a Leg-locker curse, "Ha! I just found a new method of birth control."

Before Alexis could respond, both Snape and Remus cast _Expelliarmus _and confiscated their wives' wands. Snape looked around at the disappointed students, "Class dismissed, and if I hear any mention of this all of you will get a month worth of detentions with Mr. Filch."

The students nodded their understanding and filed out of the room.

Snape turned back to find that Remus had had to step between the two women to keep them from continuing the battle. "Alexis, Amber," Snape snarled getting both their attention, "I am very disappointed in the two of you. How could you act that way in front of the students?"

"She started it," Alexis pouted.

"Did not," Amber hissed.

"That is enough," Snape shouted.

Remus quickly cast a silencing charm on the room and sealed and locked the door.

"If you two cannot act like adults we will have to separate you," Remus threatened while struggling to maintain a straight face.

Alexis and Amber both hung their heads and scuffed a toe.

"You are supposed to be best friends. And here you are casting hexes at each other like common hooligans. Alexis, Amber is pregnant did you even stop to consider that?" Snape chastised.

Alexis looked at Amber horrified. "Amber I am so sorry, are you okay? I didn't think about the baby. I didn't hurt you did I?"

Amber saw how scared Alexis was that she had hurt her. "No, you didn't hurt me or the baby. I'm sorry about fighting with you."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm sure Remus is an amazing lover and he has a sexy butt," Alexis said much to Snape's displeasure.

"Yes he is and does, but that doesn't mean that Severus' butt and abilities are any better or any worse than Remus'," Amber allowed to Remus' amusement.

"Perhaps we can agree that they tie for world's best lover and sexiest man?" Alexis offered.

"Agreed," Amber said and hugged Alexis.

Snape and Remus exchanged looks of masculine disbelief at the vagaries of women.

AN: MarkDarcy: Thanks to one of my most loyal reviewers….I'll see if I can get you that Dead Ghost recipe.

GraceRichie: Darien will be getting his eventually. (evil grins)

Jonquillejaune: I like your name even more now that you have translated it for me.

JennSmith: Hope you enjoyed the sexed class.


	23. Family

Disclaimer: Standard Disclaimers apply

**Chapter 23 Family, Can't Live With Them, Can't Shoot Them**

_I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family._

_Trey Parker and Matt Stone__, South Park, Cat Orgy, 1999 _

Alexis escorted the Weasley twins and their friend Lee Jordan to the infirmary, "Madame Pomfrey, these three seem to feel that sexual education is a joke. I was wondering if you would able to give them the expectant father lecture? Just so they realize exactly what may happen if they are not serious about their responsibilities."

Poppy gave the three a gimlet glare and pointed to her office. "Come back for them in three hours," she instructed Alexis. As the boys headed to her office, she gave Alexis a wink and a nod.

When Alexis returned to the hospital she found Fred with an ice pack against his head while George was mopping up a bloody nose, "Where is Lee?"

George pointed over to a cot in the far corner. "What happened to him?"

Madame Pomfrey came back with a potion for George's nose, "He passed out."

"What happened to these two?" Alexis asked in horrified amusement.

"That one started to retch and hit his head on the desk," she said coolly as she pointed at Fred, "and this one tried to run from the room and hit the door breaking his nose."

"Well at least you finished the lecture," Alexis said trying not to grin.

"Actually we barely made it half way through before Mr. Jordan passed out, and these two didn't make it much farther than that," Poppy said in disgust.

"Will you be able to finish the lecture tomorrow evening?" Alexis asked.

Poppy's reply was interrupted by two loud thumps. "Probably not," she replied, looking at the two teens now passed out on the floor.

Alexis looked up from an owl she had received. "Severus, would you have any problems with Darla sleeping on a cot in the nursery during the first task of the Tournament?"

"Why cannot she stay with Remus and Amber?" Snape asked irritably.

"Full moon," Alexis answered.

"If you wish, you may invite her. But she had better not turn into as big a nuisance as her brother," Snape groused.

"He's lonely, Severus," Alexis said, although even her patience was wearing thin. "You know what he needs?"

"A good kick in the…" Snape started.

Alexis interrupted, "A girlfriend." Snape looked stunned. "Yes, if he had a girlfriend to focus some of this energy on, he wouldn't be so lonely." Alexis was getting excited by the idea of matchmaking, "Do we know any young witches of his age?" she looked over in inquiry at Snape.

"A whole school full," Snape answered. "But since he is faculty, they are off limits."

"What about the girls from Beauxbatons? Since they are technically not students of Hogwarts would they be available?" Alexis was determined not to give up on her excellent idea.

"I believe he already knows most if not all of them and has not expressed even the remotest desire to further that acquaintance," Snape said repressively.

"Maybe he is just shy," Alexis murmured while Snape decided to just observe the mayhem that was certain to result. It should approve amusing as long as he didn't get dragged into it.

Alexis waited until Darla had arrived the Saturday before the first task before putting her plan in motion. She wanted to see if Darla knew what type of girl Darien might fancy. Amber had not been the slightest bit of help although she had agreed to assist Alexis in her matchmaking plot, once she found someone to match him with. Remus had taken to calling them the Pimp Pair; Alexis swore she wasn't buying him any more Muggle novels.

Meeting Darla at the gates, Alexis escorted her back to the castle, "How have you been?"

"Well, the parents said to tell you hello and that they can't wait to have another shopping trip," Darla smiled absently. "Do you know when Charlie is going to arrive?"

Alexis decided to tease her a bit, "Charlie who?"

"Charlie Weasley," Darla gave her a look Snape would have envied. "We have been writing and he is supposed to be here for the first task."

"I believe they will arrive shortly before midnight tonight," Alexis replied contritely.

"Good, that gives me just enough time to get ready," Darla smirked.

Snape growled to Alexis, "Just how long does it take for one small girl to get ready for dinner?" glaring at the bathroom door that Darla had disappeared behind some two hours ago.

"Just consider it practice," Alexis advised.

"Practice for what? A plumbing problem?" Snape sneered.

"Nope, for when we have daughters," Alexis laughed.

"Remind me to have at least two more bathrooms installed before that blessed day," Snape snarled.

"I'll make a note," Alexis continued to laugh at him.

Darla came out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam just in time for them to leave for dinner. The Great Hall was sparsely populated due to it being a Hogsmeade weekend; most of the students had stuffed themselves with candy or had already eaten by the time Alexis, Snape and Darla made it to dinner.

Alexis used dinner as an opportunity to question Darla about Darien's taste in girls. Darla's response was not encouraging. "Alexis, if he didn't shave regularly, I would think he hadn't reached puberty yet."

"Do you know if he even likes girls?" Alexis asked in a low voice while making sure that Darien was deep in conversation with Snape.

"Come to think about it, I really don't know," Darla looked surprised. "I guess he could be gay," she conceded.

Alexis gave Darien a suspicious look wondering if that was his interest in Snape. She would have to find out if Darien was gay. If he was that only put a slight crimp in her plans… instead of a girlfriend she would have to find him a boyfriend.

Later that night, Alexis and Snape were alone in their quarters. The boys were asleep in their cribs and Darla was down at the dragon pen visiting Charlie. If she wasn't back by one, Snape was going to look for her.

"Severus, I need you to find out something for me," Alexis was snuggled in Snape's lap.

"What do you want to know?" Snape was wondering if he should go ahead and bring Darla in. He hadn't trusted Charlie Weasley when he had been a student at Hogwarts and he saw no reason to start now.

"I want you to find out if Darien is gay," Alexis was carding her fingers through Snape's hair.

"I think I can….I beg your pardon?" Snape stared at Alexis in shock.

"I want you to find out if Darien is gay," Alexis said as if that was the most reasonable request in the world.

"And just how and why would you want me to do that?" Snape grabbed her hand to keep her from distracting him.

"You are so intelligent and cunning I know you will have no problem finding a way to discreetly find out about his sexual preference and I need to know so I can figure out whether to find him a girlfriend or a boyfriend."

"No," Snape replied still holding Alexis' hand.

"Severus, he respects you. He would want to confide in you," Alexis was tugging on her hand trying to free it.

"No, you are not involving me in any way shape or form in this ridiculous plan," Snape began kissing her fingers in his attempt to distract her, "Why don't you ask one of his sisters?"

"Because they don't know," Alexis' eyes were glazing over as Snape was successfully distracting her by sucking on her fingers.

Alexis head was now lolling back on Snape's shoulder as he moved up her arm and began kissing her neck. Just then the clock chimed one and Snape jumped to his feet dumping Alexis on the floor with a resounding thump. "Where is that girl? If Weasley has taken advantage of her…" Snape's threat trailed off as the sound of the door creaking open was heard.

Alexis was still trying to recover from her sudden descent from arousal to pained arse. Snape finally noticed his wife splayed in a graceless sprawl on floor, "What are you doing down there?" Snape helped her up.

Darla came in with ruddy checks and rosy lips looking thoroughly snogged. "Goodnight," was all she said as she dreamily made her way into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Snape glared at the door, "How much time does one person need to spend in the bathroom?"

Alexis replied, "When it comes to young women…you really don't want to know."

Alexis hunted Darien down Sunday afternoon. Everyone had refused to help her so she was just going to have to do it herself. She finally managed to corner him in the library, "Darien, there you are," she whispered brightly as she settled in the chair next to his.

"Hello Alexis," he said politely before returning to studying the potions book he had gotten from the restricted section.

"Darien, you spend so much time with Severus I really don't think I know you all that well," Alexis tried, "Since your parents are so far away, I feel like, just for their peace of mind, I should make sure you are well and happy here at Hogwarts."

Darien marked his place in the book, "I am both," before returning to the page.

"But Darien, you spend all of your time working, don't you want to have some fun?" Alexis smiled at him gently.

"I am having fun," Darien looked at her puzzled as he indicated the book he was reading, "I have access to all of these books and Severus to teach and train me. What more could I want?"

"Someone who shares your interests and to spend time with?" Alexis offered.

"But I have Severus for that, who else would I need?" Darien was really looking confused.

"I was thinking someone closer to your age, that you could also enjoy other _activities_ with," Alexis said delicately.

Darien patted her hand, "I am fine, Alexis. Don't worry," he returned to his reading leaving Alexis frustrated.

Alexis moved away and settled in a different part of the library. She was going to have to rethink her strategy. Suddenly it hit her and she borrowed several magazines from some of the girls in the library.

She found Darien exactly where she had left him. Settling in the seat as before, she got his attention with a softly spoken request, "Darien, I was wondering if I could have your opinion?"

"Certainly," Darien said with a sigh and slightly less politely than before.

"I want to redecorate our quarters and I was wondering what you think of these colors?" Alexis had opened one of the magazines to a spread showing how to maximize minimum space with clever spells.

Darien looked from the magazine to Alexis, "Shouldn't Severus be giving you _his_ opinion since they are _his_ quarters too?"

"Oh, he doesn't care about this type of thing," Alexis waved that suggestion off. "What color would you say this is?" Alexis pointed to a mint green wall in the photo thinking if he was straight he would green but if he was gay…

Before he could answer Madame Pince announced that the library was closing in five minutes, Alexis looked at him, "Why don't you join us for tea?"

"Thank you," Darien gave her a strange look.

"Come on with me now and you can visit with Darla," Alexis urged determined to find out which way she needed to go with the young man today so she could get busy finding him a special friend.

"Alright," Darien said in a low soothing voice as if speaking to someone slightly mad.

Alexis brought him into the sitting room and thrust him toward the sofa, "Just have a seat there and I will be back in a moment." Alexis hurried into her bedroom and came back with an armful of Snape's clothes, "I was wondering if you could help me match up these outfits for Severus? He is hopeless when it comes to colors. All he wants to wear is black, black and more black," she chattered nervously.

"Alexis, where is Severus?" Darien was convinced that Alexis was having some time of breakdown. That was the only way he could explain her strange behavior.

"Oh, he will be here shortly. What do you think of this tie with this shirt?" Alexis held up a Muggle dress shirt and tie that she had hurriedly transfigured while she was in the bedroom. The shirt was pale pink and the tie was a garish orange with neon green stripes running through it.

Darien winced at the bright tie against the pale shirt. "What do _you_ think of it?" he asked still in that calm soothing voice.

Alexis lied, "I think it goes together beautifully."

"Then that is all that is important," Darien smiled at her encouragingly.

"Okay what about this combination?" Alexis held up pinstripe robes in a charcoal gray with brown tasseled loafers.

"Again, Alexis, it is what _you_ think that is important," Darien said not even looking at her offering.

Alexis was about in tears as she gathered the clothes and carried them back into the bedroom. That had been futile. Flopping down on the couch beside him she racked her brain trying to figure out a way to determine which way to proceed. Looking down at the floor she had an idea, "Darien, what do you think of my shoes?"

Before he could answer the door opened and Snape, Darla and Charlie Weasley came in. Darien had never been so relieved to see someone. He was really concerned with how Alexis had been acting.

Snape had the twins and Alexis jumped up to help him with them. When they had disappeared into the nursery Darien leaned over to his sister and whispered, "I am really concerned about Alexis. She is acting strange today."

"How?" Darla looked at him.

"She keeps asking me questions about decorating, clothes, colors and shoes and getting all antsy about my answers," Darien was keeping an eye on the nursery.

"Is that all?" Darla asked.

"What do you mean is that all?" Darien turned his attention to his sister. "What do you know?"

"She is trying to figure out if you are gay," Darla replied. "By the way are you?"

"What?" Darien asked confused. "Why would she want to know if I am gay?"

"She wants to fix you up with a friend and she wants to know if it should be a guy or a girl," Darla explained reasonably. "So which team do you seek for?"

"Why does she want to fix me up?" Darien wanted to know.

"So tell me, are you a Chaser or a Beater?"

"Which one is which?" Charlie asked confused.

"Which which is which?" Darla looked over at him.

"I'm not asking about witches, I want to know which one is which way?" Charlie tried to clarify his question.

"I'm not following you," Darla replied, "Which way is what one?"

"You just asked him if he is a Chaser or a Beater."

"Yes, I did."

"So which one would be which way?"

"Huh?" Darla was eloquent in her confusion.

"For Merlin's sake you moron, he wants to know which one would indicate straight and which one gay?" Darien went on as she still looked confused, "Is a Beater straight or gay?"

"You know I really don't know," Darla replied, "I've just always heard that expression. I would think that a Beater would be straight and a Chaser gay."

"Damn, I was hoping to get Fred and George on that one," Charlie huffed.

"Excuse me but can we get back to me?" Darien asked impatiently, "Why would she want to find me a special friend?"

"Because you are an annoying brat, why else?" came the older sister response.

"She finds me annoying?" Darien asked looking like a little boy whose pet krup had bitten him.

"Just the fact that you want to spend every waking minute with her husband, now are you bent or straight?" Darla asked.

"I don't spend _every_ waking minute with Severus," Darien said indignantly, although if he were honest with himself, he did spend an inordinate amount of time with the man.

"Look, Dar, I know you respect Severus and want to learn as much as you can from him, but you do really need to find some other ways to relax than studying potions and stalking him," Darla ruffled his hair. "So which way do swing?"

"I can't believe you have to ask me that," Darien said in disgust.

"Well, I don't remember you dating anyone," Darla defended herself.

"Do you remember the magazines you threatened to tell mum about?" Darien prodded her memory.

"OHHHHH, okay now I know," Darla grinned at her brother.

"Know what?" Alexis asked as she and Snape came back from putting the boys to bed.

Darla smirked at Alexis, "Darien wants a boyfriend."

"WHAT?" Darien looked at his sister. "What magazines did you find? They must have been some of Amber's 'cause I didn't have any that would make you think that."

"Just kidding," Darla was laughing hysterically, "He's straight."

AN: jonquillejaune: Glad you enjoyed the last chapter, hope you find this one almost as funny.

Radingsoul4u: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed and thank you for reviewing.

GraceRichie: Ahh! But I like ooey gooey lovey.

MarkDarcy: Sounds like you have reason to brag….way to go Mr. MarkDarcy!

JennSmith: Thank you, I have been trying to live up to the bachelor/bachelorette parties chapter for a long time now.


	24. Time Passes On

Disclaimer: Standard ones apply. Not making money from this, not my characters.

Chapter 24 Time Passes On

_Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view._

_Murphy's Law_

The day for the first task of the Triwizard Tournament had arrived. Snape was enjoying the look of sick despair on Potter's face. "Serves him right for entering the blasted tournament," Alexis heard him mutter into his morning coffee.

Catching the look Alexis gave him, Snape got a tad defensive. "If he did not feel that rules are for other lesser mortals, he would not have found himself in this situation. Everyone was warned about how dangerous the tasks are going to be," Snape finished his coffee and got up to head to his first class.

Passing Potter he was unable to resist, "Mr. Potter." Harry looked up warily. "I just wanted to wish you luck," Snape smirked coldly at Harry's look of astonishment, "you are going to need it," and Snape swept away in a swirl of black.

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Alexis and Snape settled into the stands. Snape was still smirking over Potter's predicament. Catching Alexis' disapproving look, "It's not as if he can get seriously hurt, there are numerous safeguards."

Alexis was holding Aleser and Snape had Nathair. Darla was sitting next to Alexis and her eyes were trained on Charlie Weasley. Darien was sitting next to Snape. He was still in a bit of a snit regarding the whole boyfriend/girlfriend debacle. But he had taken the sentiment to heart and had gotten permission to form a potions club. So far he was the only member, but he did have high hopes of encouraging some of the students to join.

Alexis was jiggling Aleser on her knee as they announced what the first task would be, "Are you sure this is safe?" she whispered to Snape.

Snape looking imperturbable as usual, "Alexis, there are dragon keepers, anti-flame wards and spells and _I_ am here to protect you and the children."

Alexis smothered a grin at his words, "Yes, dear."

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Letting out a breath of air she hadn't been aware of holding, Alexis leaned up against Snape. Even though she had known what was coming, actually seeing the four champions facing the dragons had been nerve racking. She had only had to elbow Snape once: when he had snickered when Harry got nicked by the Hungarian Horntail's tail. The task was finally over and all scores were in. Snape and Alexis took the boys back to their quarters.

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Darla excused herself to go see if Charlie would be free later not noticing that Darien was following her. He felt that now was a good chance to get back at her for the magazines. Darla found Charlie sending an owl to his mom to let her know how Harry had done in the challenge.

Charlie pulled Darla into his arms and was getting ready to give her a kiss when he noticed Darien staring at them, clearing his throat, "Hello, Darien, good to see you again."

"Were you going to kiss my sister?" Darien asked.

Charlie flushed red but before he could answer Darla had, "Yes, any other questions?"

"Well, since you asked," Darien deadpanned. "Since the parents aren't here I feel that it is my responsibility as your brother to protect your honor," turning to more fully face Charlie, "Mr. Weasley, exactly what are you intentions toward my sister?"

Charlie blinked rapidly; he had played the protective brother but had never been on the receiving end before.

Darla again interrupted, "This is none of your concern, now go away."

"I'm afraid I cannot do that," Darien shook his head in mock regret. "I've been told that you are considered an attractive girl, although I really don't see it, your arse is huge and your nose takes up most of your face, but other blokes have assured me that you are shaggable. As your brother it is my duty to make sure you aren't. Shagged that is," he clarified seriously.

Darla broke free from Charlie and stalked up to Darien, "Look, twerp, I am your _elder_ sister, so I don't require your protection or assistance. Now scram."

"I know that you are well able to take care of yourself. In fact I have experienced some of your more dirty hexes," Darien scowled in remembrance. "Maybe Charlie is the one I should be protecting; she has a wicked jock-itch hex, man," this last to Charlie. "And watch out for her Prince Charming charm."

Charlie found his voice, "What is that?"

Darla was glaring daggers at Darien, who figured that since she was wearing girly shoes he could outrun her, "That is where you kiss her and you turn into a frog, the reverse of the old fairytales."

Charlie looked at Darla, "I only used it on guys who pushed the whole issue of a goodnight kiss. It wore off in five minutes and gave me enough time to get into the house."

"Brilliant," Charlie enthused. "Can you teach it to my sister Ginny?"

Darla smiled, "Be happy to teach her," behind her back she made a rude hand gesture to her brother.

"See, that brings up the whole issue of protecting your honor," Darien interrupted. "I don't think you want to protect it from Charlie, so as your brother it is my right to prevent you from smudging the family name by behaving inappropriately."

Charlie was now holding Darla's arm to keep her from going after Darien. "Did you just call me a slut?" she growled.

With a skill born from years of practice, Darien judged that it was time for a strategic retreat before Darla remembered her wand. "Not at all, I was just remembering how you were telling me that you found Charlie irresistible and very sexy," Darien had been cautiously backing up as he spoke to better position himself to run for it.

Darla was now a very pretty shade of bright red and was tugging on her arm trying to reach the source of her aggravation.

Charlie grinned at Darien's back, "You better make a run for it as I'm not sure how much longer I can hold her back," he hollered to the quickly disappearing young man.

"Gaahhh!" Darla exclaimed as she buried her face in her free hand. Charlie pulled her to face him, "So you think I'm irresistible and sexy?" Darla kept her head turned away.

Charlie tugged her until she was once more in his arms, "Well that is a good thing because I think you are irresistible and very sexy too."

Darla peeked at him from between her fingers. The look on his face had her dropping her hand and leaning in for his kiss. Maybe she would only hex Darien instead of permanently maiming him.

888-

Snape had one eye on the clock as he played with the boys. If Darla didn't show up soon, he was going to go looking for her. Alexis was trying to control a grin as she looked at Snape sitting on the floor with Aleser and Nathair, his idea of playing with them consisted of him holding up flashcards that he had made up of basic potion ingredients. There was a drawing of the ingredient and he was telling the boys what each one was, "Bezoar, bezoar." Snape held up the next card, "Mandrake, mandrake."

"How many of those cards do you have?" Alexis asked him from where she was curled up on the sofa.

"Three hundred and forty-three," Snape replied. "I just made them up for the basic potion ingredients. When they have these memorized I will create some for basic potions and then have them match the cards to the potions. That way they will at least know what ingredients to use for what potions. I don't think they should start brewing potions until they are at least five. Although if they are particularly advanced, which I am sure they will be, I may start them at four."

"As long as you chop the ingredients for them," Alexis smiled at Snape.

"Of course, I won't teach them to use knives until they are at least seven," Snape said indignantly.

Alexis nodded and went back to her book. As long as he didn't push them too hard, she didn't see where this would harm them. And they were staring at the cards so who knew what they may retain.

888-

Alexis smiled and rose to give Narcissa a coolly correct air kiss on the check, "I was so glad when I got your invitation to meet you for lunch."

Narcissa returned the air kiss and the two witches seated themselves at the small table. They were back at The Cat and Mouse Tearoom.

"I wanted you to be among the first to know," Narcissa said with a thin smile. "Lucius and are expecting."

"Congratulations, Narcissa," Alexis smiled at her warmly. "I hope you will allow me to host a little celebration for you? Just the girls, give us all an excuse to get together."

Narcissa quickly hide her look of surprise, "I couldn't put you out."

"But I insist, after all you have done for me and Severus this is the very least I can do. It will give me an excuse to take the dust covers off of Draluck Manor," Alexis looked up as the waiter came to take their order.

After they had ordered, Narcissa replied, "I will have to check with Lucius and see what our plans are."

"Of course, I was thinking some time over the Christmas holidays, if that would be convenient," Alexis offered. "If you will just let me know when it would be convenient and if you would prefer a luncheon or a dinner and if you have a guest list?"

Narcissa nodded slowly.

"I am going to be unforgivably nosey," Alexis said with an unrepentant smile, "but did you find out what you are having or did you want to be surprised?"

"A little girl," Narcissa answered allowing herself a small smile.

"Wonderful," Alexis pretended it was news to her.

888-

"No absolutely not," Snape said firmly.

"Why not?" Alexis asked aggravated. "Amber and I agreed to trade gowns after I had the babies. I want to wear the gown she wore to our reception."

"There is no way you are wearing that scrap of cloth excuse for a gown to the Yule Ball," Snape was coldly furious at the thought. "I have enough trouble keeping the hormonal teens at this school in control. It would look bad on my employment record if I had to hex any of the students who had the bad taste to leer at you or drool on you."

"Then I will just have to go shopping for new robes," Alexis stated with a frown of aggravation.

"That will be acceptable," Snape smirked. "But, this time I will accompany you and I will assist you in choosing robes."

Alexis gave him a hard look, "I have been buying clothes for myself for a fairly long time now. I don't believe I require your assistance."

"Yes, you have and you have been doing an admirable job of it; however, since you have never bought dress robes as faculty for a school ball, I thought you might appreciate my many years of experience," Snape said trying for diplomacy.

"I'm not going to win this argument?" Alexis asked huffily.

"Were we arguing?" Snape asked with only a small smirk.

888-

Madame Coutrea had smiled widely when she saw Alexis returned to her pre-pregnancy figure. The smile had melted from her face when Snape had made his wishes known for a demure gown suitable for a matriarch.

Alexis had shot him a dirty look, "Madame, I believe we are going to have to reach a compromise between dowdy and daring. Although I might need something for holiday parties so don't put away your sketch pad yet."

Madame smiled smugly at Snape before flipping to a couple of drawings of gowns that had Alexis in raptures and Snape in apoplexy, "That is entirely too much skin and too little gown."

Alexis sighed, "Perhaps for the holiday parties, but I need something for the Yule Ball at Hogwarts: something that won't have the young ladies trying to hex me."

Madame Coutrea nodded, "Perhaps this?" The gown had a heart shaped neckline and was fitted to the waist where it flared from the hips to the floor. The sleeves were long and came to a point on the back of the hand.

Snape nodded reluctantly, "Perhaps if you raise the neckline about four inches."

"Leave the neckline alone," Alexis ordered. "Can you have it made up in Slytherin green with silver accents."

Madame nodded and when Snape wasn't looking, showed Alexis the drawing for the back of the gown. Basically there was no back to the gown; it was open from the neck to the waist. Alexis looked at it longingly and then shook her head slightly to Madame Coutrea's disappointment. Drawing her finger along the back of the gown she indicated to only leave it open from the neck to the middle of her back. That way if she danced with someone, their hands' would not be touching her bare back.

"I'll have it ready for you in a week," Madame told her sighing at the thought of having to cover one of her few clients that could and would carry off some of her more daring designs.

"How about you make me up a selection of gowns? That way I will be prepared for anything the holiday season may bring," Alexis grinned.

Madame nodded eagerly at the thought of being given free reign.

888-

Snape was less than pleased when he saw the back of the ball gown, but he did realize that it could have been worse. Helping Alexis into her wrap he led her down to the Great Hall.

"You do look beautiful tonight," Snape muttered to her.

"Thank you, you look very sexy tonight yourself," Alexis whispered against his neck. Snape adjusted his robes and escorted her into the room.

"I just wish this farce were over already," he groused. "It is just another excuse for precious perfect Potter to get attention."

Alexis hugged his arm, "I know, dear. He does it just to aggravate you."

"Are you mocking me?" Snape inquired coolly.

"Now would I do that?" Alexis responded just as coolly.

"Yes you would and you would enjoy every minute of it," he responded with a bare hint of a smirk.

"Than why did you ask if you already knew the answer?" Alexis' smirked up at Snape.

They were interrupted by the champions entering the Great Hall. Snape gave a snort of disdain at seeing Harry escorting Parvati Patil, "Of course he would end up with one of the more popular girls of his year."

Alexis just hugged his arm again while they waited for the champions to take their seats. Snape escorted her to a table and Alexis heard him huff as Hagrid joined them.

"'ello, Pr'fssr and Mrs. Snape, 'appy Christmas to ye," Hagrid was beaming all over his jovial face and wearing his horrible hairy suit.

Alexis reached way up and tugged Hagrid's face down to hers, "Happy Christmas, Hagrid," and she kissed his cheek causing him to blush a fiery red and causing Madame Maxine to glare her way.

"Ahh you hadna' outta done that Mrs. Snape," Hagrid flushed looking up at the head table.

"Nonsense, Hagrid, if she cannot see that I am a happily married woman greeting a good friend, than she doesn't deserve you." Alexis leaned close and whispered, "Plus a little, mind you, _just_ a little jealousy never hurt anyone."

Hagrid grinned at her and Snape huffed again before pointedly holding a chair out for her, "Thank you, Severus," Alexis ran a hand down the side of his face before settling herself into the chair.

Snape ate in stony silence while Alexis chatted with the rest of their table. Professors Flitwick, Sinastra, Engvall and Moody made up the rest of the group.

Wilhelmina Engvall, the Muggle studies professor, was giddy with the excitement of the Ball, "Yes, Muggle schools have these balls all the time. Any excuse for a ball, that is the Muggle way," she tittered. "They have Homecoming balls, Fall balls, Christmas balls, they even celebrate a famous Muggle female by the name of Sadie Hawkins by having a ball in her honor. And then at the end of the school year they have the biggest ball of all, but for some reason they call it a Prom," she said looking delighted at this idiosyncrasy of Muggles.

"They have a ball to celebrate going home?" Filius asked.

"Yes," Wilhelmina smiled at him.

"What did the Muggle Sadie Hawkins do to get a ball in her honor?" Professor Sinastra wanted to know.

"Uhmm," Engvall hesitated, "she was an American and she ran a race and won it."

"Must have been some race for her to have a whole ball named after her," Sinastra said with a hint of admiration in her voice. "What was the prize for winning the race?"

Alexis was trying to disguise her laughter as a coughing fit, when she caught her breath, "Yes, Wilhelmina, what did she win?"

Wilhelmina was looking lost, a look that was often seen on her face. "I can't quite remember what the prize was," she finally admitted.

Snape was glancing at his wife wondering what was wrong with her, "Do you know what she won?" he said so only she could hear. At her nod, "Well?"

"A husband," she whispered back to him.

Snape blinked slowly several times before shaking his head and muttering "Muggles!"

Apparently Hagrid had exceptionally good hearing or Alexis' voice hadn't been as soft as she thought, "'lexis, did I hear ye say the Hawkins girl won herself a husband?"

Alexis looked around at the sudden silence; Sinastra had stopped with her fork half way to her mouth and was staring at Professor Engvall as though waiting for an explosion. Alexis felt a nudge and a kick under the table as Filius broke in, "I believe what she said, Hagrid, was that Professor Engvall had told her the prize was a husband. Wasn't that right dear?"

Alexis was going to hex whoever kept kicking her under the table, as soon as she figured out who it was. "Yes, Filius, the other day Wilhelmina was explaining about Muggle balls and she told me the story of Sadie Hawkins," Alexis' smile was hard enough to cut diamonds.

The tension seemed to flow from that table as Professor Engvall smiled benignly at the group, "I remember that now, Alexis, you are correct, a husband was the prize for the winner of the race."

Alexis relaxed slightly as the kicks stopped, "Wilhelmina, the story was so fascinating, how it all started from a comic strip in the thirties in America."

"Yes, I agree completely, but I really wouldn't want to bore the rest of the table by discussing it any further," the Muggle studies professor demurred.

Hagrid stared at her as if she had sprouted another head; he had never before heard her decline to talk about anything. Before he could comment, Alexis laid a hand on his arm, "How are the Blast-Ended Skrewts doing?"

While Hagrid was in the middle of his ramble, Professor Engvall interrupted, "What exactly are these bleat screw things?"

Hagrid attempted to explain what his new pets were to the befuddled woman. After a ten minute explanation she stared at him and then asked, "But why do you call them bleats if they don't bleat? And where does the screw part come in?"

Dinner had finished and they all rose as Hagrid continued to try to describe the skrewts. Dumbledore waved his wand and moved the tables to clear the center of the floor. Alexis watched interestedly as The Weird Sisters took the stage that Dumbledore had conjured up. She was vaguely disappointed; they looked very like their Muggle counterparts.

Snape was making vague noises of disgust as the Champions led their partners onto the floor to open the dancing. Alexis kept jabbing him in the side with her elbow to try to get him to stop. Finally he slipped her arm through his and pressed it against his side so that she had no room to poke him.

As the dance floor started to fill Alexis stared at Snape expectantly. With a long suffering look, he asked, "Would you care to dance?"

With a smile she led him onto the dance floor. As soon as they were lost in the crowd, "What was all that with Wilhelmina? And were you the one kicking me under the table?"

"I did not kick you," Snape lied with a straight face. "Engvall is a tad sensitive," Snape sneered, "if she feels that someone is intruding on her area of _expertise_ she sulks and pouts for weeks. She is also not one to suffer in silence. Her wails could be heard all over the castle. One of the Muggleborn students went to her after a class one time and corrected something she had lectured on. The silly woman burst into tears and barricaded herself in her rooms for two days straight. She also poured out her tale of woe and angst to her twelve sisters and four brothers. Eight of the sisters and two of the brothers showed up to demand that the student be expelled. The remaining ones sent Howlers to the impertinent child telling her that next time she should owl one of them and that they would handle informing their sweet delicate flower of a sister of her misinformation."

"You have got to be kidding?" Alexis was trying hard not to laugh.

"Not in the slightest," Snape assured her. "She is very limited in her intellect."

"That is very diplomatic of you," Alexis complimented him.

Snape hissed, "I am not trying to be diplomatic, the woman is an idiot but the headmaster refuses to dismiss her. He just twinkles when someone lodges a legitimate complaint about her," Snape sneered.

"So basically she is fire-proof," Alexis said tongue in cheek.

Snape glanced down at her as he steered her across the dance floor, "That is an eloquent way of phrasing it."

"So if you could find a cauldron as fire-proof as she is, Neville wouldn't have to worry about any more of his exploding?" Alexis teased.

Snape nodded, "Yes, if we could transform that to a cauldron, we would make history."

"Tell me about some of the legitimate complaints?" Alexis invited.

"When I first started here, Muggle studies was taught by a Muggleborn witch and the class was considered by most of the students to be challenging. There were fieldtrips and she brought in Muggle items and actually explained what they were and how they worked, their significance to Muggles and their history," Snape explained. "But she retired and Albus hired Wilhelmina Engvall. While the budget remained the same, the fieldtrips stopped after she lost several of her students," at Alexis' look of horror, "but we did manage to find them. She had forgotten to make sure everyone was together when they took the Knight Bus. Luckily the students just waited for someone to retrieve them."

"That could happen to anyone," Alexis defended dubiously.

"Four times?" Snape asked, "in the same year?"

Alexis again was finding it hard not to laugh, "What else?"

"The headmaster had someone come in and show her how to work a Muggle pulley system so that she could lecture on it to her classes." Alexis nodded. "They stayed the whole day explaining and showing her how to do it. The next day when she went to teach her class and demonstrate how to use the pulley, the students had to save her from hanging herself."

Alexis was fighting the laughter so hard that tiny tears were forming at the corners of her eyes.

"That put a stop to her demonstrating Muggle artifacts. Although, once again her budget wasn't adjusted," Snape sneered. "She attends conferences that are supposed to teach her how to broaden her curriculum: however, all she comes back with is souvenirs. She tries to say that they are Muggle articles. I have a theory that people's intelligence is like a cauldron. Some have larger cauldrons than others so they can handle more knowledge. Now when you have someone with a smaller cauldron and you try to pour more knowledge in, some of the knowledge that they already have slops over the side and is lost forever."

"What size cauldron would you say Wilhelmina is?"

"A thimble."

The waltz ended on that note. Snape escorted Alexis to one of the tables and prepared to spend the rest of the evening glaring at all of the students.

As they arrived back at the table they found Wilhelmina Engvall holding court with some overly innocent appearing students.

Jeffrey Foxx asked, "Professor Engvall, so sorry to interrupt but we've been discussing your latest lesson earlier today."

Ronald White continued earnestly, "I'm not quite sure I totally understand why Muggles use rubber tyres."

Professor Engvall was giddy with excitement at the interest her students were giving her, "Why, it is so they can ride around on non-magical carts called automooboobles."

Mr. Foxx looking politely puzzled, "Yes, that I understand, but can you tell me what the significance is when they have only one of the four tyres flat?"

Wilhelmina replied in her best teacher's voice, "Ah, well, you have to understand that vulcanologists have always said tyres react better to roads when they are firmly connected to it. The significance of this event means that the other three tyres have suddenly swelled up. You see, most Muggles prefer to keep tyres from swelling by taking the tyres off and leaving their automooboobles resting on cinder blocks in front of their homes."

Alexis could tell that the two were up to no good and was watching them closely. Mr. White nodded in understanding, "Thank you, that explains it." Holding out a button to his professor, "We wanted to thank you for your excellent insight, professor. Here's your sign."

Alexis tried to read the button but couldn't make it out from where she was sitting. Professor Engvall let out a squeal of pleasure and immediately pinned it to her dress. Alexis narrowed her eyes as she read the button, 'World's Best Muggle Studies Professor.' But as she watched the words faded to be replaced with "This Is A Warning: I'm Stupid."

Alexis almost choked on her drink as she saw the button fade back to its original message. Snape looked over at her in concern and Alexis inclined her head toward where Wilhelmina was admiring her new ornament. Snape sneered as he read the message and then as Wilhelmina looked up to answer a question from Filius, Snape sneer turned to a smirk when the message changed.

"Do something," Alexis whispered urgently to him.

"Mr. White, Mr. Foxx, come here," Snape ordered coldly to the two students who had thought they were going to get a clean getaway. They stood shuffling their feet in front of Snape wondering what horror he was going to visit upon them. "Ten points from Ravenclaw for insulting a teacher," the two nodded relieved to be getting off so lightly. "And fifty points," they blanched at the amount, "to Ravenclaw for finding a way to warn the general public."

Snape waved the astounded boys off and looked at his wife, "What? That wasn't what you meant?"

AN: For those of you who may not be familiar with it Wilhelmina Engvall is a nod to Bill Engvall the comedian who coined "Here's Your Sign." The tires blowing up are a take on one of his routines.

GraceRichie: Thanks for reviewing. I generally love ALL your chapters.

JennSmith: I have two younger sisters and years of memories to draw on!

Melissa: Thank you for reading and for the heads up.


	25. Love Means Never Having to Hear I Though...

Disclaimer: I don't claim.

AN: It bears repeating: Without Steve2 and Midnight Lily this story would not be anywhere near as funny.

**Chapter 25 Love Is Never Having to Hear I Thought It Would Be Bigger**

_"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."_

_Groucho Marx_

Snape was still smirking when the head of Durmstrang, Igor Karkaroff, approached, "Severus old boy, I was wondering if I might have a moment of your time?"

Snape stiffened, "I was just getting ready to dance with my wife, Igor, perhaps later," and to Alexis surprise Snape pulled her to the dance floor leaving a very frustrated Karkaroff staring after them.

Snape looked around in disgust, the band was playing a more modern number and the students were jumping and flailing about in wild abandon. Alexis smirked at him and stepped up and wrapped her arms around his neck and just started swaying back and forth.

Snape looked at her as he put his hands on her waist, "You realize we look ridiculous?"

"Yes, but you are the one who insisted upon dancing," Alexis reminded him. "I thought you would prefer to sway to our own beat rather than try to match the students more energetic endeavors."

Snape snorted as the students easily avoided the slowly swaying couple. Alexis offered, "I could always just dance for you? Remember the night of Remus' bachelor party?"

Snape scowled so blackly that a fifth year couple slunk from the floor, "I do not think that would be appropriate."

"You are probably right," Alexis leaned closer. "Perhaps a private dance later?"

Snape's hands tightened on her waist at the implied promise. Alexis started grinning at something behind Snape's back. Snape swung her around so that he could see what had her so amused. Fred and George had dragged Darien out on the floor to dance with them and several of the Gryffindor girls. Darien looked distinctly uncomfortable as he watched George and Fred flail around.

"He has good reflexes," Snape remarked as Darien ducked Fred's arm.

"Turn me, I want to watch too," Alexis asked.

Snape swung her a quarter turn so they were both able to watch the show, "Are they trying to teach him how to dance through negative reinforcement?" Alexis giggled as Darien had to execute a quick two step to keep from getting run over by George and Angelina.

"Ouch, that's going to hurt in the morning," Alexis winced in sympathy as Darien got caught between the twins and was elbowed in the ribs from both sides.

"Whatever possessed him to agree to dance in a group that consisted of the Weasley twins?" Snape shook his head in disbelief as he turned Alexis once more. Alexis was enjoying being in Snape's arms when she looked over his shoulder and found that they had strayed and were now dangerously close to the Weasley group. Disaster was about to strike. "Duck, Severus," Alexis warned as she began to drop to the floor.

Snape had been staring at a group of Slytherins who looked to be plotting something, "Where?" and turned just in time for Fred's, a.k.a. disaster's, hand to strike his nose.

"Bloody h…" Alexis managed to cast a silencing charm on Snape before he could finish that exclamation.

"Severus, let me see your nose," Alexis was trying to remove his hand from his face.

"He browke bmy nosbe," Snape was furious.

"Let me see," Alexis insisted while shooting Fred a warning look to vacate the immediate premises.

"I'md gonna kill himb," Snape tried to snarl.

Alexis managed to get Snape's hand away from his face, "I don't think it is broken," she said running a healing spell down the length.

Snape sighed in relief as the pain abated, "Severus, it was an accident," Alexis told him before he could go in search of Fred. "Let's just finish our dance, please," Alexis begged.

Snape reluctantly nodded his agreement. He could always hex the boy later.

The song smoothly, kind of, transitioned into a swing number. Most of the students just kept dancing however they wanted to. Some of the teachers took the floor and proceeded to impress the students with their abilities. The surprise couple was Madame Maxine and Hagrid.

"Oh my," Alexis just held onto Snape as the super sized couple began to jump and jive, "do you think the castle foundation is strong enough to withstand this?"

Snape was busy trying to keep his balance and so was unable to answer her. People were grabbing each other and anything they could reach to keep from being knocked off their feet by the shaking of the dance floor.

Alexis saw something popping in and out of thin air and tried to focus on it. She started giggling as she realized it was the house elves verifying that the castle was neither under attack nor the center of an earthquake. Alexis was brought back to the dancing display as a particularly energetic throw out caused Madame Maxine to hit a table breaking it into matchsticks. Luckily the people who had been sitting there were able to dive for safety and no one was hurt.

"He's not going to… Severus, we need to clear the dance floor," Alexis shouted over the noise.

"Why?" Snape asked as he started to try to make their way to the edge of the dance floor.

"He's going to spin her," Alexis shouted back at him.

"Bloody hell," Snape replied as he tried to figure out what to do.

"Sonorous," Alexis hollered.

Snape applied the charm and then applied it double strength, "Clear the dance floor, all students clear the dance floor. Hagrid is going to spin Madame Maxine."

That announcement started a mad scramble, "Do not panic, proceed in an orderly manner to the edge of the dance floor and find something sturdy to hold on to. MOVE!"

The announcement came just in time. The happy couple were so caught up in each other and the joy of the dance that they were totally oblivious to the mass exodus from the floor. Hagrid began a classic dance spin and Madame Maxine's smile lit up the room, unfortunately the displaced air from her body revolving in such a fast motion started up several whirlwinds. The Professors and staff were casting shield charms over the students to protect them from the flying decorations and debris. Somehow the band kept playing through the chaos and Dumbledore was able to signal them to bring the song to a close.

A drum crescendo indicated the end of the song and Hagrid stopped the tornado-like spin and ended up with Madame Maxine in a deep dip. As everyone got to their feet Dumbledore led the applause and soon everyone was joining in. Hagrid and Madame Maxine started as they realized the applause was for them and Hagrid gave a deep bow and Madame Maxine curtsied.

Alexis was smiling and trying to put her hair in some semblance of order when she noticed Draco crawling out from under one of the tables. He leaned over and offered his hand to help someone up. Alexis smiled to herself as she noticed that it was Ginny Weasley. Looking around she found Neville Longbottom helping Pansy Parkinson up. It looked as if Neville had shielded Pansy from the worst of the flying debris with his own body.

Ginny was dabbing at a cut on Draco's lip with a napkin and Pansy was rubbing Neville's back where he had gotten hit by a chair while protecting her. Alexis could see when it hit the four exactly who and what they were doing. Draco stood up and sneered at Ginny and then stalked over to Pansy who was now wiping her hands on a tablecloth as though to get Gryffindor gook off of them.

Alexis thought to herself that it was nice while it lasted.

Karkaroff approached them, "Severus, I really must insist on speaking with you."

Snape glared at him, "Very well, it is my turn to patrol the rose gardens. Follow me," he ordered and swept from the room leaving Karkaroff to follow or not.

Alexis turned at a hand on her arm, "Would you like to dance Mrs. Snape?" Neville stuttered.

Alexis let him lead her onto the floor.

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Snape returned to the Great Hall to find his wife in the midst of a group of gyrating teens. She was laughing with them and moving to the heavy bass beat of the music. He noticed that she was slowly incorporating some of the shyer girls and boys into the group. Snape watched as she looked up directly at him as though sensing his gaze. The smile she gave him was blinding, she danced her way to the edge of the floor and then made her way over to him.

He had stationed himself with his back to wall and his arms crossed, "Hey big boy, how would you like to come home with me?" she teased him.

"Since we are already at _home_ that question is rather moot," Snape smirked.

"Spoilsport," she frowned at him playfully.

"What time is it?" he asked irritably.

"Just another half hour and then we can herd the masses to bed," Alexis leaned against him companionably.

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Alexis was still giggling when they entered their quarters, "Now I understand why you enjoy patrolling the halls so much."

"Indeed," Snape smirked at her.

"Yes, the students are very inventive in their search for privacy. I always did enjoy playing hide and seek," Alexis stretched and leaned back into Snape's hands as he rubbed her shoulders.

"There were times I wanted to award points for ingenuity," Alexis chuckled. "Were you that imaginative as a student?"

"Not quite," Snape said not wanting to admit that he hadn't needed to be imaginative.

"Ahh, well then perhaps, this summer, you and I need to explore the castle thoroughly. Just to make sure we are aware of all the places where students may try to enjoy illicit activities," Alexis winked at her husband.

"Perhaps," Snape agreed, "that would be most beneficial."

"I can understand the shadows behind some of the statues, but what were they thinking of trying to hide behind a suit of armor?" Alexis began giggling again. "When the armor started to sing 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' I thought I was going to die laughing."

"Mr. Brown's and Miss Talbot's faces were cause for amusement as well," Snape smirked, "although they seemed to have chosen the armor because all of the statues were already in use."

Alexis smiled, "You are a very good at strategy," she complimented.

"It was easier this year since you were there to assist me," Snape allowed.

Alexis grinned as she remembered the looks on the students' faces. She would flush them out of hiding straight into Snape's waiting arms. All of the houses' were down points by the end of the night. Severus had already more than taken back the fifty points he had awarded Ravenclaw earlier.

"And what hex was used on Seamus Finnegan to have him running through the castle screaming that 'She's after my lucky charms'?"

Snape snorted as he handed Alexis a glass of wine and settled next to her on the couch, "I overheard the Weasley twins taking bets on what is going to happen to this year's defense teacher," Snape told her sneering.

"What odds are they giving?" Alexis asked interested.

"Alexis, that would just be tacky and tasteless," Snape told her disapprovingly. "Five to one that he will be able to last the year. But don't even think about it," he warned her, "I've already had Draco place a bet for me."

"I overheard several of the sixth years trying to convince the fourth years that they had to go to Astronomy lessons skyclad," Alexis told him.

Snape shuddered to think of a class of naked fourth years up at the Astronomy tower, "The possibilities for frostbite would be appalling."

"I caught one of your snakes pulling one of the oldest tricks in the book on every Gryffindor he could find," Alexis chuckled in remembrance.

"What?" Snape asked.

"He would walk up to a group of students and ask, 'How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?'" Alexis explained.

"And then he would walk away," Snape sighed. "Yes, one smart ass tries it every year," Snape smirked, "and the sad thing is…"

Alexis finished for him, "It works every year. They just stood there and looked at him as he left. Victor Krum had to stop Hermione from running after him for the answer."

"And apparently it is time for the lame jokes to appear again," Snape huffed in aggravation. "If one more student asks me about Love Potion Number Nine…"

"Make them sing the song," Alexis suggested with a naughty smirk.

"What song?" Snape wanted to know.

"The Love Potion Number Nine song," Alexis explained. "You didn't know that they are referring to a Muggle song?"

"No, but I would like you to obtain the words for me. Your suggestion has merit," Snape decided.

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Snape looked around his fourth year Slytherin and Gryffindor potions class. The holidays had left everyone feeling rather rambunctious and he knew that the students were up to something.

Seamus Finnegan raised his hand after Snape had announced the potion to be prepared for this class. "Yes, Mr. Finnegan?" Snape had thought that Finnegan might be the one to attempt the prank. He would have to do something to replace the memory of him running through the halls screaming about his lucky charms.

"Professor Snape," Seamus was an unusual shade of red, "would this potion be suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"

The whole class stilled as Snape stared down the unfortunate Mr. Finnegan. Snape was wondering to himself, why the students could not come up with something new and original.

"Only if you wish you and your partner's genitalia to spontaneously combust, Mr. Finnegan," there were winces all around. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Now get back to work," Snape glared and returned to his desk only to discover that Dean Thomas now had his hand up.

"Yes Mr. Thomas?" Snape sneered.

"Professor," Dean cleared his throat nervously, "when will we learn how to prepare Love Potion Number Nine?"

Snape decided to see if Alexis' suggestion would work, "Would anyone else like to know the answer to that question?"

As several of the Gryffindors raised their hands Snape smirked. "Stand up." The students stared at each other puzzled, "I said stand up for every second I have to wait for you to comply that will be five points from your house, per person."

There was a sudden scraping of chairs as the students sprang to their feet with alacrity. "Now the question Mr. Thomas has asked and the rest of you are so anxious to have answered is a tired attempt at a practical joke. As all of you **_should_** know, love potions are illegal. Now there is no such thing in the wizarding world as Love Potion Number Nine. However, the Muggles do have such an invention," Snape glared at the standing students. "I believe that these students should educate the rest of the class by singing the song that refers to the potion in question. The words are on the board," with a swish of his wand, "begin."

The Gryffindors were staring wide-eyed at the board as what Snape had just said sank in. "I'm waiting and for every second I wait ten points will be deducted from Gryffindor."

Dean Thomas finally started singing and the rest of the standing students reluctantly joined in:

I took my troubles down to Madame Ruth  
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth  
She's got a pad down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine  
Sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Number Nine

They started out mumbling the words, but being Gryffindors they soon got into it and began singing slightly louder:

I told her that I was a flop with chics  
I've been this way since 1956  
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign  
She said "What you need is Love Potion Number Nine"

Of course a few had to act out the next verse, Snape just rolled his eyes.

She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink  
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"  
It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink  
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink

I didn't know if it was day or night  
I started kissin' everything in sight  
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine  
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine

I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink

I didn't know if it was day or night  
I started kissin' everything in sight  
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine  
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine  
Love Potion Number Nine  
Love Potion Number Nine  
Love Potion Number Nine

By the end of the song, although all of the students were blushing, they had finished mainly together and surprisingly in tune.

"Very well," Snape said, "you may all be seated. I trust this is the last instance I will hear any questions about Love Potion Number Nine."

"Yes Professor," the Gryffindor half of the class responded while the Slytherins were trying to recover from their laughter.

AN: jonquillejaune: J.K. doesn't really go into Narcissa too much so I feel free to have fun with her. I don't think Lucius would allow anyone to get too close to her.

Radingsouls4u: Professor Engvall is loosely based (read grossly exaggerated) on a person I worked with for many years. She had displayed amazing loyalty to the boss and so she was fire-proof…no matter how much her cauldron overflowed.

GraceRichie: I actually got to be there for a taping of the Blue Collar TV Show. If you ever watch it…the live from Athens Georgia is where I live.

MarkDarcy: Just be aware…any stories you may tell me may end up fodder for my story.

Melissa: Thanks for the heads up. As soon as I got your review I went in and corrected them.

AN2: Most of the "jokes" in this chapter come from an email I got from Verity (I won't use her last name because I don't know if she would approve) entitled 50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts. Email me if anyone wants a copy.


	26. Is That A Mystical Magical Orb in Your P...

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own anything. You get in trouble that way.

**Chapter 26 Is That A Mystical Magical Orb in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?**

_A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble in the road._

_Henry Ward Beecher_

Ginny Weasley was just staring at her Potion's notes. She had been distracted ever since the Yule Ball. She still couldn't believe that she had ended up under a table with, of all people, _Draco Malfoy_.

She remembered clearly dancing near the edge of the floor with Neville. She had noticed that Pansy and Draco were standing near a table smirking at everyone and making rude comments. Next thing she remembered was someone shouting to clear the floor. A chair flew by and she had to fall to the ground to miss getting hit by it. A hand had reached out and grabbed her ankle pulling her to safety.

At first she had thought it was Neville. But then her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she had seen the glint of white blonde hair, "Malfoy, what are _you_ doing grabbing me like that?" Ginny asked wondering if she could reach her wand.

"Listen, Weasellette, I thought you were Pansy; as is, you are more than welcome to go back out there. I'm sure your family is so poor that they have to magic up this type of mess for entertainment," Malfoy sneered.

Ginny flinched as they heard something hit the top of the table they were sheltering under, "Why don't you go out there and rescue your date, ferret boy? Or are you too much of a coward?"

"Pansy can take care of herself," Draco responded as he peered out from under the table cloth. "See, she managed to get Longbottom to protect her," he sneered pointing to where Neville was shielding Pansy.

Ginny winced as Neville was hit by a flying chair, "We've got to do something."

"Why?" Draco sneered at her.

"Because Neville is going to get hurt if we don't help them," Ginny glared at him.

"And I should care?" Draco smirked.

"Because that is your girlfriend out there too," Ginny tried.

"Pansy's not my girlfriend," Draco laughed. "We hang out together to keep our fathers happy."

"Well, Neville is my friend and if you aren't going to help him I will," Ginny moved as if to leave the safety of the table they were crouched under.

"Don't be an idiot, you'll get hurt," Draco had grabbed her arm.

Ginny watched as something that looked like a decoration off of one of the trees shattered next to Neville. "I've got to do something," Ginny was tugging on her arm.

Draco glared at her before drawing his wand and sticking his head out from under the table and casting a shield charm. "Satisfied?" he turned to look at Ginny as another chair bounce off of the charm surrounding Neville and Pansy. Draco paid for that moment of inattention when a stray piece of one of the dinner menus flew by him and gave him a nasty paper cut.

Ginny listened in mute admiration as Draco cursed inventively. Having grown up with six brothers she was hard to impress, but Draco was imaginative and didn't stoop to repeating himself as so many did.

When he had finished his tirade Ginny grinned at him, "It sounds like it has stopped," peering out she saw the rest of the students applauding Hagrid and Madame Maxine.

"Stupid git," Draco muttered as he crawled out from under the table.

Ginny was surprised when he leaned down and offered her a hand to help her up. "You're bleeding," she commented.

Draco dabbed at the cut on his face, "It's nothing."

Ginny summoned a napkin and started tending to it. Looking over she could see Pansy rubbing Neville's back where he had been hit the first time. Draco's hand on her wrist brought her attention back to him, with something that looked suspiciously like regret he sneered at her, "I know I am irresistible to women, Weasellette, but you will just have to control yourself. Malfoy's don't even stoop to entertaining themselves with mudblood lovers like you."

Ginny sneered back at him, "As if I would dirty myself with someone as dark as you."

Draco and Ginny stomped over to collect their dates and head off to opposite ends of the ballroom.

Ginny went back to studying. There, just for a moment, Draco had seemed almost… human. That was the third time she had experienced a more human side of Draco. During the dance class last year, he had been polite to her and then while they had played that Muggle board game with Mrs. Snape she had actually forgotten for a while that she was enjoying time spent with a Malfoy. That was what was causing so much confusion in the youngest Weasley.

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Alexis was suffering prank withdrawal. She had promised not to prank Snape ever again and she was determined to stick to her vow: however, her vow didn't preclude her from pranking other worthies.

-- -- --

Harry looked over as Ron's crowed, "This is so wicked. Here, Harry, give it a try."

Harry took the round black sphere from Ron, "What do I do with it?"

"It's a divination aid. You just ask it any question, shake it, turn it over and there will be the answer. Go on, give it a go," Ron urged.

Harry looked doubtful but shrugged and with a slightly embarrassed air, "Will I pass my potion's test tomorrow?" As instructed he shook the ball and then tipped it over.

Ron was watching avidly as Harry's eyes got big, "Well what did it say, Harry?"

"'Don't Count On It,'" Harry read aloud.

Ron's face lit up in awe, "See, I told you it was wicked. Ask it something else," he urged.

"Will I have to face Voldemort this year?" Harry ignored Ron's wince and shook the ball.

He stared at the answer and swallowed hard, "It says, 'Better Not Tell You Now.'" Harry thrust the ball back at Ron, "Here, I don't want to ask it anything else."

Neville came over, "Is that a Rememberall?"

"No, it's a divination aid," Ron said regaining his initial excitement. "Here, just ask it a question, shake it, and turn it over and read the answer."

Neville took the black ball nervously, "I don't know about this." Ron urged him on, "Alright, here goes. Will my cauldron explode in potions class tomorrow?"

Dean and Seamus had wandered over along with Parvarti and Lavender.

Ron was almost bouncing in excitement, "Read the answer Neville."

"It must be broken," Neville sighed, "It says, 'Very Doubtful.'"

"I don't think it's broken, Neville," Ron assured him. "We'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see."

Neville nodded and handed the sphere back to Ron who offered it to Lavender. "Do I have the proper aura for divinations?" Lavender and Parvati grinned and said in unison, "'Without a Doubt!'" Squealing they looked over at Ron, "You have got to show this to Professor Trelawney. It is absolutely amazing."

Parvarti grabbed it from Lavender. "Have I met the man of my dreams?" she was thinking about the boy from Beauxbatons she had danced with at the Yule Ball. She huffed out at the answer, "'Outlook Not So Good.' Well, long-distance relationships rarely work."

Ginny Weasley and some of the other Gryffindors came over wanting to know what the fuss was all about. Angelina took the ball, "Will Gryffindor win the House Cup again this year?" After shaking it, "Well blast, 'My Sources Say No.' Well then, will Slytherin win?" Shake, shake. Angelina read the answer, "'My Sources Say No.' If Gryffindor can't win it at least Slytherin won't win it either."

Ron took the orb and with a smirk at Neville, "Will Snape ever award Neville points?" a quick shake and then a burst of laughter, "'Very Doubtful.'"

Neville took the sphere and asked, "Will Ron ever find a girl stupid enough to marry him?"

Ron made a move to grab the ball from Neville but Dean and Seamus held him back, "Quick, Neville, read the answer."

"'My Reply Is No;' tough luck Ron," Neville tossed the ball to Ginny.

"Will I get an O in Charms?" Shake and turn, "'Yes, Definitely,'" Ginny grinned.

Dennis Creevey poked her, "That was a no-brainer, Ginny, you're fantastic in Charms."

"It never hurts to have reassurance," Ginny replied as she passed the black ball to Dennis.

"Will I become a famous Wizard photographer?" Dennis scrunched up his eyes before peeking at the answer, "'Reply Hazy, Try Again.'"

Ron grabbed it from him as Dennis started to ask it again, "It doesn't mean right this minute."

Harry laughed and decided to give it another go, "Is Draco Malfoy a poof?" Everyone broke into giggles at that. Harry grinned as he read, "'Cannot Predict Now.'" The whole group burst into laughter.

-- -- --

The next day after Potions class all of the Gryffindors were excited and Ron was bragging, "I told you guys it was amazing. See, Neville, you didn't explode your cauldron, just like the magic ball told you."

"Where'd you get it Ron?" Neville asked.

Lavender and Parvarti were interested as well while Hermione was reviewing her Charms notes and not really noticing what was going on. Ron winked at them, "I'm not supposed to tell."

None of them could get Ron to reveal his source, although Lavender had talked him into bringing the sphere to Divination Class. "I just hope the barmy old fraud doesn't break it," Ron confided to Harry.

-- -- --

Divination class was slightly more awake than normal. Lavender had begged Ron to be the one allowed to reveal the magic divination sphere to Professor Trelawney. Ron had reluctantly agreed and the coveted orb was resting in a place of honor on the table shared by Lavender and Parvati.

As soon as Professor Trelawney entered the room, Lavender was bouncing up and down in a remarkable impersonation of Hermione Granger, "Professor, oh professor, you just HAVE to see this," she held out the mystical object in her cupped hands.

"My dear I feel the force of a powerful magic in your hands." Taking the sphere from Lavender she gazed at it reverently, "Tell me about it?"

Lavender with many interruptions by Parvati explained how to use the ball. Professor Trelawney held it up and in a deep and commanding voice, "OH great mystic orb reveal to me, will I have a vision of the future tonight?"

With a gasp she almost dropped the ball before reading out, "'It Is Certain.' My dears, you must tell me where you obtained this amazing diviner?"

Trelawney almost dropped the ball again when they pointed silently at Ron Weasley. Walking up to him, "My dear, dear boy, I really must insist that you tell me where you obtained such a powerful magical object."

Ron stuttered out, "I can't."

In spite of getting detention, Ron refused to reveal how he had obtained the ball and Professor Trelawney gave up after Harry pointed out to her that if she was so good at divination why couldn't she just divine the answer.

With an indignant sniff, "Well then, I will just have to confiscate it. No student should be playing with an object so full of power. Only a true seer will be able to fully utilize its capabilities. Class dismissed."

Ron was complaining the whole way down from Trelawney's tower and shooting Lavender and Parvati dirty looks for loosing him the mystical sphere.

-- -- --

Alexis was sitting at the head table at lunch time when Dumbledore came up to her with a mad twinkle in his eyes, "Alexis, do you happen to know anything about a magic ball that has come into Professor Trelawney's possession?"

Alexis twinkled back at him, "I believe Ron Weasley had one confiscated by her. Any particular reason, Albus?"

Snape was staring at both of them.

"She has requested that I obtain enough of these balls, if possible, for her classes and I am at a loss as to how to procure them for her," Dumbledore said with a pointed look.

Alexis was barely able to maintain a straight face, "I will see what I can find out for you, Headmaster."

"Thank you my dear, I knew I could count on you," Dumbledore moved down to his seat humming a happy tune.

Alexis was hiding her laughter by pretending to have a coughing fit into her napkin. Snape was glaring at her, "What have you done now?"

Alexis recovered enough to say, "I have to get Sybil and Wilhelmina together."

"What is going on?" Snape insisted.

"Somehow a Muggle toy I gave to Fred and George Weasley came into Ron Weasley's possession. It appears as though Sybil confiscated said toy from Ron and now wants Dumbledore to provide all her students with one," Alexis was staring at her plate as she tried to retain control.

"Why on earth would she want a Muggle toy for her students?" Snape sneered.

"Because apparently she doesn't realize it is a toy and believes that it can predict the future," Alexis started hiccupping from the stress of holding back her laughter.

"And just why would she believe such a thing?" Snape smirked.

"Now that, Severus, I really can't answer," Alexis sniggered.

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Sybil Trelawney was ecstatic. Professor Dumbledore had come through for her. She was reverently unpacking a large crate of the mystical orbs. There were more than enough for all of her students to have one at each table.

However she wasn't quite as happy later when she discovered that she was not the only source for these amazing spheres. They were popping up everywhere. She would just have to divine who was distributing them. After all with her wonderful new divination tool, it wouldn't take any time at all. Holding the black sphere of magical power in both hands she raised it above her head and intoned, "OH Great and Powerful All-Seeing Orb, who has been selling your likenesses on the open market, thus demeaning your magnificence?" Two reverent shakes and she read the answer, "Tyco. Ah, hah! I'll get you now, Mr. Tyco! Or Miss Tyco! You and your little dog too!" Sybil shook herself slightly, "Now where did that come from?"

Hours later Sybil was practically in tears as she shook the magic orb, "I know it is Tyco but where the bloody hell is this person?" Sybil looked up, "Mount Laurel," she read from the ball, "Now that is more like it. Now where is Mount Laurel?"

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Fred and George stopped by Alexis' office. "Mrs. Snape, friend, pal, confidant," Fred smiled winningly.

"Purveyor of magical, nay, _mystical_ orbs, we need another shipment," George fluttered his eyelashes at her. Alexis smirked, Snape was correct; it did look like a nervous tick.

"Yes, oh beauteous buyer of balls, they are selling like the proverbial hotcakes," Fred rubbed his hands together in greedy glee.

"You haven't given me my share of the money from the last shipment," Alexis glared at them.

"You were serious about that?" George asked trying to appear innocent and failing miserably.

"So you think I spend my own money to procure these amazing items for you to make a profit from out of the goodness of my heart?" Alexis smirked at them.

Fred smirked back at her, "Not in the slightest."

"However, out of your love of mischief and mayhem mixed in with a judicious amount of entertainment?" George finished with his own smirk.

Alexis broke into laughter, "You two think you know me so well?"

"Of course we do," they chorused.

"Same time, same place?" Alexis asked in defeat.

"Double the last number," Fred added.

"Agreed, but you two owe me BIG," Alexis gave them both a look that told them she would have no hesitation about collecting either.

"Yes ma'am," they grinned in victory.

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Snape glared in disbelief at the fourth year class. Longbottom was over there whispering to a black orb of some kind. Snape moved close enough to hear, "Should I add the shrivelfig to the potion at the end or when the potion is complete?" Shake, shake, shake, "'YES!' What's that mean?" Neville whispered to Ron.

"Dunno. Guess we better add it at the end ...so then it'd be complete!" Ron replied sotto voice.

"Brilliant! This thing hasn't let me down yet!" Neville displayed a confidence that he had never shown in Potions class before as he added the shrivelfig at exactly the right moment.

Snape was trying to decide if he should confiscate the ball, but they were not testing and Neville hadn't blown up a cauldron yet. Deciding to wait and see he continued to patrol only to find that most of the Gryffindors and a few of the Slytherins were using the mysterious orbs to help with their potions.

Snape could only shake his head and wonder what Alexis was up to now.

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He entered the staff room later that day to find that Dumbledore was demonstrating how to use one of the mysterious spheres, "See you just ask it a question, shake it, and turn it over and there is your answer." Dumbledore looked over at Snape, "Severus, come over here and witness the latest in divination tools."

Snape stifled a sigh; all he had wanted was a cup of tea, "Yes Headmaster?"

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Hermione had finally finished all of her assignments for the next two weeks and since she had completed updating her study guide for the next three years she felt that it would be safe for her to relax slightly. Sitting down at lunch in the Great Hall she saw most of the Gryffindors holding black plastic balls in their hands, whispering to them, shaking them and then turning them over. Looking over Ron's shoulder she asked, "Where did you get…" just then it was as if someone had poked her in the back. Looking around she didn't see anyone so continued, "Ron, how did you…" again with the poking but this time it was harder. Hermione looked around and this time she noticed Alexis trying to catch her eye. When Alexis saw that she had Hermione's attention she gave a small shake of her head. Hermione looked puzzled and then nodded back at Alexis.

Ron looked over at Hermione, "Wanta' have a go with my new divination aid?"

"I beg your pardon?" Hermione said.

"Here, it's my new divination aid," Ron handed her the ball and explained how to use it.

"Will I be top in my class this year?" Hermione asked the ball and then read the response, "'You May Rely On It.'"

Ron was practically jumping up and down, "See, Hermione! Isn't it great?"

Hermione just gave him the sphere back with a small nod and a slight grin.

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Harry caught up with Hermione and Ginny in the Common Room after dinner. Ginny was giggling like a loon. "What's so funny?" he asked plopping down on the couch next to Hermione.

"Where's Ron?" Hermione asked.

"He's showing off that weird ball thing. You know I can't help but think I've seen something like it before. I just can't remember where," Harry shrugged. "So what were you two laughing about?"

"That weird ball thing," Hermione said with a grin.

"I can't possibly be right, but I swear my cousin Dudley had one when we were kids," Harry grinned slightly embarrassed. "But how would my cousin get a magic divination aid?"

Ginny giggled while Hermione smirked while replying, "How indeed, Harry, how indeed?"

Harry just shook his head; sometimes he thought he would never understand girls.

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Snape cornered Alexis in their quarters, "You have got to stop this insanity," he snarled.

"What insanity?" Alexis tried an innocent look.

"These black balls are everywhere," he snarled, "Dumbledore cornered me in the staff room today and forced me to ask the inane object questions."

"How accurate was it?" Alexis asked interested.

"Why? Did you do something to them?" Snape asked suspiciously.

"Not yet," Alexis smirked. "Want to help me?"

Snape gave her a long look, "What did you have in mind?"

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Ron was at breakfast and thought to ask his ball, "Will I have a good day today?" Shake, shake, "'Beware Falling Objects' …what the…" just then Dean hollered, "Ron, watch it!"

Suddenly Ron was hit by a large object. Or more accurately, a large object collided with the back of his head, forcing his face into a downward arc that stopped as soon as it hit the bowl of oatmeal he had yet to start eating. Catching his breath (after spitting out a little oatmeal) he looked down at Errol, the family owl. Turning to look at the magic ball, "Wow!"

-- -- --

Neville was holding his magic orb and asked, "Will I explode my cauldron in potions today?"

Ginny managed to catch Neville's sphere before it hit the floor and read the message, "'A Great Greasy Bat Is Determined To Make Your Life Miserable.'"

-- -- --

Harry walked up just then and took the black orb from Ginny, "Will I get detention today?" quick shake, "'An Evil Dark Wizard Is After You,'" he read. "Well tell me something I don't know?" he said sarcastically and watched as the words changed to, "'Styling Products Will Go A Long Way To Helping Your Hair Look Better. You Should Consult A Hair Stylist As Soon As Possible.'"

Ginny grinned weakly, "Well that was something you didn't know."

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The Gryffindors and Slytherins were standing outside the potions classroom waiting on the door to open. Draco Malfoy came up behind Neville and grabbed his magic ball, "Let me see if I can find a question to ask this piece of rubbish," he sneered as Crabbe and Goyle kept the rest of the students from grabbing the orb back. "Will Longbottom ever manage to stop being a disgrace?"

Malfoy looked down and gaped allowing Harry to grab the ball back and read, "'Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can't, Bully.' Hey Malfoy, I think this thing's got you pegged."

Crabbe grabbed the ball back from Harry, "What's for lunch? Draco what's it say?"

Draco sneered and read the answer, "Food."

Crabbe looked impressed, "Cor, this thing knows everything."

Goyle looked doubtful took the ball from Malfoy, "Yeah? I'm not buying it. You, ball! What's my favorite color?"

And handed the ball back to Draco, "Food."

Goyle grinned, not a pleasant sight, "Yeah, you're right! I like all colors in food."

Draco groaned in disgust. What had he ever done to deserve such morons as minions? The classroom door swung open distracting Draco and allowing Harry to grab the sphere.

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Everyone was looking forward to Divinations. The magic balls were absolutely amazing. The class quickly filed in and took their seats as Professor Trelawney held up her own black sphere.

"Class, today we will be asking our mystical spheres of divination questions and recording the answer in your journals. If you need assistance interpreting the answers please raise your hands."

Harry reluctantly took the ball and asked, "What will the rest of this year be like?" and shook it.

Ron took it from him and read, "'A Great Evil Is Abroad In The World And You Are The Focus Of A Really, Really Nasty, Evil, Bad, Dark, Mean, Ugly Wizard.'"

Harry took the ball back, "Yeah I know, Voldemort is after me." He watched as the words changed, "'Gee You Think? But Voldemort Isn't The Only Evil Dark Wizard In The World, Now Is He? Pay Attention Potter This IS All About You This Time.'"

"Blimey Harry, this is getting personal," Ron whimpered. "Not too many people get personally insulted by the magic ball."

Dean was reading the answer to his question, "'You Are Going To Take A Nice Trip.' Cool, I wonder where I'm going?"

"Let me see that Mr. Thomas, perhaps we can persuade the magic orb to reveal your destination," Professor Trelawney motioned for Dean to bring her his ball.

Dean stood up and took two steps before falling flat on his face. "Ohhhh," Lavender and Parvati were wide-eyed, "Dean you just had a nice trip!"

"Is your ball damaged Mr. Thomas?" Sybil inquired anxiously.

Seamus Finnegan read his answer aloud, "'The Alignment Of Pluto With Mars In The Fourth House Of The Lowering Moon Indicates That You Should Not Play The Lottery On Monday.'" Seamus shook the ball, "I wasn't planning on playing the lottery." The answer changed, "'Good, This Alignment Also Indicates That You Shouldn't Eat The Baked Fish At Lunch Today. If You Do It Will Give You The Runs.'"

Seamus goggled at the ball, "Well at least that is something I can use."

Neville nervously read out his answer, "'Your Essences Is A Five, This Indicates That You May Be Too Free-Wheeling And Unrestrained. Constant Change Is Not Always Constant Growth And Development. Try To Maintain A Balanced And Thoughtful Approach To Problems And Opportunities. Control Self-Centered Interests.'"

"Mr. Longbottom, what on earth did you do to cloud the aura of your mystical orb?" Professor Trelawney asked indignantly.

Neville just shook his head at her.

Harry was getting another reading from his ball, "'Beware Winged Insects With Large Mouths.'" He looked at Ron in question.

"I guess you don't want to get bit by a flying big-mouthed gnat," Ron replied.

"Sounds like a plan to me," Harry grinned at him.

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The buzz was all over the school by dinner time. The magic balls were now giving eerily accurate and detailed answers.

Dumbledore stood up and called the room to order, "I regret to inform you that I am going to have to collect all of the magic divination orbs. They appear to be much more powerful than originally thought and the Ministry has requested that they all be confiscated and turned in to Aurors who will be here tomorrow to contain them and convey them to the appropriate ministry department."

There was a hush and many of the students were clutching their balls protectively.

"I recognize that this is going to be a great sacrifice to part with your magic balls: however, I must insist that all balls be handled with utmost care and discretion. We don't want any accidents now do we? It would be a true tragedy if any balls were to… _explode_." Dumbledore smiled kindly at the assembly, "Please do not try to hide your balls as all professors will be most diligent in hunting out your balls. I would prefer not to have to personally handle your balls. Please do not disappoint me. There will be appropriate containers in each common room to collect all of the balls for delivery to the Aurors. Thank you for your cooperation."

Dumbledore sat down and the students immediately burst into conversation.

"Nobody's taking my ball from me," one fifth year averred.

"I'm the only one who has ever handled my ball, I don't think I can let anyone else touch my ball," a fourth year said nearly in tears.

"I'll get my girlfriend to keep my ball," one boy whispered, "no one will think she has two balls."

Plans and plots were discussed over dessert as all the students tried to find a way not to have to lose their balls.

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The next day Ministry Aurors appeared to collect all of the mystical orbs. Professor Trelawney had to be forcibly restrained by four Aurors as they pried the sphere from her hands. She collapsed wailing and moaning about the loss of the most mystical, magical marvel that she had every used. Poppy had to give her a calming draught and put her to bed for the rest of the day.

In spite of the ingenious measures the students used to try to hide their balls, the Aurors managed to collect and contain all of the mystical orbs. As the Aurors headed toward the Hogwart's gates, Professors had to restrain some students who were determined to free their balls. The Aurors reached the edge of the wards and prepared to Disapparate.

And now the ministry holds the balls, and they will never let them go, and now the air is shattered by the force as Aurors go. Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout, but there is no joy in Hogwarts – for mighty magic eight balls, students are without.

Bully quote by Tim Fields

Based on the last verse of _Casey At The Bat_ by Ernest L. Thayer

AN: MarkDarcy: Send them on…I'm always surprised at what sets my muse off and running.

JennSmith: See above note to MarkDarcy…I'm still trying to figure out a way to work using Moody's office for a tryst into the story.

Melissa: I know, I know, some chapters are better than others. I have been trying to meet or exceed the Bachelor/Bachelorette party and Valentine's Day Massacre Chapters for the longest time. I hope you like this one.

GraceRichie: Real like intruding on writing time! How dare it! Yes, I know the drill. I am going to visit my family for Memorial Day so not sure when I will have another chapter ready.

Snitzer: I tried to send you a long detailed email to answer you…but I got it back as undeliverable. Lucky you to get the condensed version: Yes, binding ceremony not used much because it is nearly impossible to get a divorce. Snape is VERY insecure about relationships so wanted to make sure Alexis was all his and only his. Saving her life was a magical bond that was needed for the ceremony he wanted to use. Thanks for the plot twist…see note to MarkDarcy, I hadn't really thought about getting it to come back to bite him…tee hee hee.

Radingsoul4u: Aww the Grys get all the breaks usually….

AN2: This is a warning: If you don't want me to use something you put in a review or send me in an email PLEASE let me know. It is amazing how many little comments and questions set me off and running. I do try to give credit for these inspirations, and if I don't please feel free to slap me around, metaphorically speaking of course.

AN3: Quidditch was cancelled but the House Cup would still be up for grabs. Winning Quidditch games helped toward winning the House Cup: however if they had cancelled the House Cup there would be no reason to give or recieve points. No one won the House Cup because Cedric Diggory died (see page 720 GOB paperback edition.).


	27. What Have We Here?

Disclaimer: I don't make any money from this.

Chapter 27 **What Have We Here?**

_There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line._

_Oscar Levant_

Alexis left Dumbledore's office feeling like a chastised first year. Dumbledore had been kind but firm in advising her not to let her pranks get so out of hand. It seemed as if the Magic 8 Balls had ended up in the Department of Mysteries with the Unspeakables asking them complex questions and getting frustrated at the simple answers that the mystical orbs were now back to giving.

The charms that Alexis and Snape had placed on the balls had been temporary and by the time the Aurors had collected them, the charms were long expired and the balls were back to being nothing but Muggle toys. Dumbledore, in the nicest possible way of course, had made her feel bad about Professor Trelawney. He had collected memories from various faculty and placed them in a Pensieve. He had shown her the scene in the Divination Tower; it hadn't been a pretty sight.

Professor Trelawney had tried barricading the trapdoor with as many of her poufs and tables as she had been able to move. She had also attempted to hide as many of the balls as possible. Even going so far as to enlarge her bra and insert one ball in each cup. When Alexis saw that she had winced in sympathy for the Auror who had been required to retrieve those balls, although that was the only part of the search that Sybil had seemed to enjoy. Alexis had also been impressed with Trelawney's ingenuity in trying to hide as many of the orbs as possible. She had even, badly, transfigured one of them into a cat. The problem was the cat was black with a figure eight in white fur on its back: and instead of hairballs it kept coughing up tiny little cubes with predictions on them. Luckily the predictions had all been innocuous if slightly insulting. While observing the vision, Alexis had been able to read one that an Auror picked up, "The fleas of a thousand camels will infest your crotch if you continue to screw up everyone's day  
and your arms will be too short to scratch if you don't just go away."

Sybil might have been able to keep the one she had transfigured into a teapot if she hadn't forgotten which one it was and tried to brew tea in it. The boiling water she had poured over the tealeaves had steamed up and formed words. Even then she might have been able to keep it if she hadn't gotten so excited trying to read the words and drawing attention to what was happening.

Alexis grinned in admiration as Sybil drew herself up and tightened her shawl around herself and closed her eyes as though in the throes of a vision, "STOP! You know not the power of that which you seek to bind with your petty ways. Only a trained Seer can fully handle such magical force and power," Sybil cracked an eyelid to see how this was going over: she was being totally ignored. "I see a vision, it is of…" again she cracked an eye as she quickly counted, "four, yes four men. They are writhing in unspeakable agony. The great mystical powers have unleashed their displeasure upon them." Sybil was peeking again. Her voice took on a harder edge, "They are writhing I said, _writhing_, in unspeakable AGONY. Look here, you blind buffoons, you wouldn't know a true prediction if one came up and bit you in the arse. Leave my balls alone!"

The four ministry officials just kept cleaning the Divination Tower of all the mystical magical orbs. Professor Trelawney went up to one of the older Aurors and placing a hand on his arm, "Please, can't you find it in your heart to leave me just one of these orbs." With a gentle squeeze, "I would be _so very_ grateful. I'm sure the two of us could find somewhere to discuss this in private," another squeeze and a definite invasion of personal space. "Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?" Sybil gave him what she thought was a sultry look as she let her shawl slip from one shoulder.

The Auror had a look of blind panic on his face as he backed away from her. One of the other Aurors saw what was happening and came to his rescue dragging him away from the desperately clutching witch. "I may be a little older, but that just means I know more ways of being grateful. Come back here and bargain with me you coward!"

Alexis had wanted to close her eyes as the finale had unfolded. The Aurors had collected all of Sybil's balls and were starting to cart them toward the trap door. Sybil had thrown herself in front on them and started predicting additional horrible deaths for anyone who left her tower with a mystical orb in their possession. When that didn't even cause them to pause she had started throwing teacups at them, being careful to only grab the blue patterned ones. The Aurors had been pretty restrained up until she started attacking them with the teacups. They cast protective charms and started throwing hexes and low-level jinxes at her. Trelawney was surprisingly spry, Alexis noted, probably from having to climb that silver ladder to get to and from her tower, and managed to duck the spells cast at her while continuing to throw teacups.

The battle of the blue teacups came to an ignoble end when Professor McGonagall arrived and managed to freeze the cups and shock the Aurors into a cease-fire. Professor Trelawney collapsed into a heap of spangled shawl and robes. The Aurors turned their back on her to return to their duty of removing the magic balls. Their distraction allowed Sybil one final rally. She threw herself on top of the box containing her balls and was trying to cast a permanent sticking charm onto herself. The Aurors managed to disarm her before she could finish the charm leaving only her robes and shawl stuck to the box. It took one Auror holding the container and three others pulling on her, while all the time she was kicking and screaming, crying and wailing for them not to take her magic balls. With a great ripping noise, her robes were torn from her body leaving her in her enlarged bra and knickers and revealing exactly where she had tried to hide the last two balls.

The most junior Auror was ordered to remove the balls from her bra, "Stan, I know you don't want to do this, but when you signed on for Auror duty you knew it would be a dangerous and ugly job. Now be a wizard and do your duty. Remove those balls from that bra!"

Stan, with a very determined look on his face headed toward Sybil, but he just couldn't make himself reach into the bra. His trembling hand moved toward her chest but at the last minute he turned away with a groan, "I can't do it boss. I just can't reach in there and remove the balls."

"Stan, you have got to do this. Every rookie has to prove himself and this is your opportunity. We're behind you one hundred percent."

Stan heard one of the other Aurors mutter, "WAY behind you, like in the other room behind you."

"Boss, will you promise to **_Obliviate _**when I complete the mission," Stan begged.

"Yes Stan, I personally will remove the memory for you," with a look around at the other two Aurors, "and the memory from anyone else of the sight of Stan having to remove the balls." There were grateful nods from the other two wizards.

With her final two balls removed from her bra, Sybil surrendered and gave up the fight, pulled the tattered remnants of her robes and dignity around her and allowed Poppy to administer a calming draught and put her to bed for the rest of the day.

Dumbledore next showed her scenes from what the students had endured from the Aurors handling of their balls.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team were working together to keep their balls from the Aurors hands. Fred and George were running a distracting format around the Auror who was trying to collect the Gryffindor balls. When the Auror would get too close to anyone holding a ball, it would be passed to another student. The Gryffindors might have actually had a chance to distract the Aurors enough to actually secret a few of the orbs, but Peeves had joined in the game. Peeves was catching the balls as the students were trying to pass them and then hurling them at the Auror. Peeves had remarkably good aim; he scored four times out of five with a direct hit to the Aurors head or stomach. It looked as if the ones he missed were deliberate. Those burst upon impact and showered the Auror with the black colored water contained inside the sphere. By the time Peeves had finished with the man he looked like a charcoal drawing that had been left in the rain.

The Slytherins tried to bribe the Aurors while the Hufflepuffs sniffled and handed over their balls. Alexis watched in surprise as Hermione Granger led the Aurors to the Durmstrang ship. It appeared as if the mystical balls had not been limited to just the Hogwarts' students. Alexis almost had a stroke when she saw Hermione reach a hand under Viktor Krum's robes and start groping around up there. Krum was trying to grab her hands but she was too fast for him. Alexis watched as Hermione stopped moving her hands briefly, flushed bright red and then continued before letting out a disapproving sniff and withdrawing a black orb and handing it to the Aurors.

Alexis vowed to herself after witnessing the events in Dumbledore's Pensieve, to never let another prank get away from her again.

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Amber was as big as a baby whale. At least that is what she told anyone who would listen to her. Alexis had snickered at her and informed her that she didn't know what big was. Try having twins and then they would compare notes.

Darla had moved in with Amber and Remus to help out during the last weeks of pregnancy. Remus didn't want Amber for all intents and purposes being alone when he was under the curse of the full moon.

Alexis and the Hogwarts ladies showed up at Amber's house one Saturday afternoon. Aurora and Cassandra joined them and they had a wonderful time throwing Amber a baby shower. Narcissa had sent her regrets in a stiffly formal note but had also gotten Alexis to deliver a beautiful bassinet set for Amber.

Minerva asked, "Have you and Remus decided on a name for the baby?"

Amber smiled, "Cynthia Arielle Lupin."

Aurora caught her breath, "That is beautiful, moon lion," and sighed.

There was a resounding number of "ahhs" of approval from all the ladies present.

Alexis stayed and helped Amber and Aurora clean up from the party. Or rather, Alexis and Aurora cleaned up while Amber sat with her feet propped up and a plate of leftover goodies balanced on the mound that was her stomach.

"You will have enough diapers to last you at least three weeks," Alexis teased looking at the mountain of diapers that took up the top three shelves of the closet and most of the space under the changing table.

Aurora looked over at Alexis and smiled mistily, "Dear, you shouldn't make fun of Amber because you will soon be back in the same situation."

"When?" Alexis groaned.

"When the time is right," was Aurora's unhelpful answer.

"Bullocks," Alexis cursed while Amber laughed at her.

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The weeks were flying by and soon it would be time for the second task for the tournament. Valentine's Day was overshadowed by the fact that in ten days the champions would be facing another challenge.

Snape had given Alexis earrings to match the ruby necklace he had given her for Valentine's last year. Alexis' gift to Snape was a simple card delivered in the privacy of their rooms and a promise for later that night.

Snape remained on edge the rest of the day and the sound of owl wings had him reaching for his wand. However, Alexis stuck to their agreement and there was no repeat of last year's pranks.

The boys were crawling now and scooting along the floor. Snape and Alexis had taken one whole weekend to childproof their rooms after Nathair had almost eaten one of the essay's Snape had just graded.

Amber was due any day now and Poppy had agreed to deliver their baby at Hogwarts instead of Amber going to St. Mungo's. Alexis had agreed to coach her if Remus was unable to and had loaned her Star so that she could get a message quickly to the castle when it was time for the baby to be delivered.

Remus was a nervous wreck. If he wasn't hovering over Amber checking on her every few moments he was fussing in the nursery. Amber had taken to sending him on spurious errands just to get him out of the house. Darien had been a good sport about trying to distract Remus as much as possible.

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On February 18th, Snape was in the middle of class when Alexis stuck her head in the door to signal to him that Amber had gone into labor. Snape had glared at her exaggerated attempts to mime what was going on and had finally told her, "Madame Snape would you kindly stop hovering in my doorway engaging in gymnastics and come inside and tell me what it is you require?"

Alexis laughed at his insult and hurried up to his desk so she could whisper to him, "Amber is in the infirmary, the baby should be here anytime now. If you need me that is where I will be."

"Where is the wolf?" Snape sneered.

"I'm not sure where Remus is," Alexis was in a hurry to get to Amber.

"If he makes a nuisance of himself, send him here." Alexis looked startled. "I will use him as a guinea pig for my Seventh Year potions class," Snape smirked.

Alexis blew him a kiss to the amusement of the students and hurried out.

Arriving at the hospital wing, she found Amber bossing Poppy and Remus around in between contractions.

"Amber, darling," Alexis tried.

"What?" Amber snarled.

"Nothing dear, how about I get you some nice ice chips?" Alexis took a step back from the bed.

"Why would I want ice chips? I want this thing out of me NOW," Amber roared as another contraction hit her.

"And don't think you are ever coming near me again, _wolfboy_," Amber sent Remus a glare that Snape would have been proud of. "If you ever think I'm going through this again, you are insane. This is _all your fault_! One child, that is all we are having; ONE CHILD!"

Remus looked to Alexis for help, "Amber, let's get Poppy to cast the pain blocking charm," Alexis said in a soothing voice.

"Finally someone with a grain of brains in this place," Amber let out a groan as the contractions started coming faster.

Poppy quickly cast the charm and prepared for the delivery. In an amazingly short time, although no one dared say that to Amber, Cynthia Arielle arrived to the great joy of her mother and father.

Snape found his wife cooing over the new arrival when he brought Amber a large bunch of flowers and Cynthia a large stuffed snake.

"Thank you, Severus," Amber said as she pulled him down to kiss his check. "I want you to meet your goddaughter," and she pulled the pink blanket back so he could see the baby.

"Thank Merlin, she got your looks Amber," Snape said in remembrance of Remus' comments regarding his sons' noses. "Hopefully she also got your intelligence and charm."

"I contributed something," Remus protested, still too high on endorphins to do much more than grin.

"Yes, but hopefully the Doff genes will be dominant," Snape smirked.

Amber joined in, "Well I'm sure her little brother will take after his daddy."

"Little brother?" Remus asked cautiously.

"Oh yes Remus, I don't want to wait too long before we start trying for a little brother for Cynthia," Amber looked up from her adoration of her baby girl.

Remus had been married just long enough to know the safe answer, "Whatever you want, darling."

"Nice snake, Severus," Alexis smiled and leaned back against her husband.

"Funny I seem to recall you saying the exact same thing last night," Snape whispered against her ear. He delighted in the fact that he could still make her blush.

"Yes Severus, nice snake, but don't you think a lion would have been more appropriate?" Remus teased.

"I certainly hope not," Snape sneered. "My goddaughter will have every advantage: including knowing from the beginning which is the best house at Hogwarts."

"Of course my daughter will," Remus replied. "She will obviously be a Gryffindor."

Alexis was almost sure she was the only one who heard Snape's response, "Not if I can help it."

AN: MarkDarcy Ask and you shall receive…I gave you the scene with Trelawney and the Aurors. Hoped it met your expectations…or even better exceeded them.

JennSmith: Glad you enjoyed it. I have to admit that I am a Ginny/Draco fan.

GraceRichie: Thank you.

Ashibabi: I hope you were able to re-attach it…(refers to lmao) thanks for reading and especially for reviewing.

Melissa: Thanks again for keeping me straight.

Jonquillejaune: Glad I still have a few surprises for my readers.


	28. My Dog Has Fleas

Disclaimer: I don't own.

Chapter 28 My Dog Has Fleas

_I can resist anything but temptation._

_Oscar Wilde_

"I can't believe that they confiscated all of the magical orbs," Ron groused as he kicked a pebble.

"Magical orbs," Sirius looked up from devouring a chicken leg.

It was a Hogsmeade weekend and the Golden Trio had met up with Snuffles in his cave hideout. They had finished discussing the strange happenings of the past few weeks and were just keeping Sirius company while he finished the food they had brought him.

"Yeah, I had this really wicked divination aid," Ron enthused. "But the Ministry got scared that it was too powerful for a bunch of school children," Ron finished sarcastically.

Sirius looked interested, "What did it do?"

"It would answer your questions. It was the only thing keeping me and Neville from failing potions," Ron finished gloomily.

"Hey!" Hermione interjected indignantly.

Ron looked over at her, "Sorry Hermione," he apologized. "But the magic ball would tell us the answers, not just help us find them out for ourselves."

Hermione rolled her eyes but before she could comment Ron continued, "I never expected you to rat us out either, Hermione."

Sirius was gnawing on the chicken leg enjoying the show.

"Rat you out!" Hermione hollered. "What do you mean rat you out?"

"If you hadn't told the Aurors where we hid our balls, Neville and I would still have them," Ron complained.

"So you and Neville don't have any balls?" Sirius asked with a straight face.

Ron, not even catching the double entendre, "Thanks to Hermione."

Hermione was fed up with the whole Magic 8 Ball fiasco, "Ron, it was a toy, not a divination aid."

"It was not," Ron said angrily.

"It was a muggle TOY," Hermione insisted. "Where did you get it from originally?"

"I've told you a million times, I can't reveal that information," Ron said huffily.

"It was Fred and George," Hermione stated.

"How did you know?" Ron was amazed. "You asked the orb before they were all confiscated."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Ron, they were selling the stupid things."

"Oh," Ron said crestfallen.

"Mate, you got something from Fred and George and didn't question it?" Harry asked trying to hide a grin.

"Well, it was just so cool," Ron tried to defend himself.

Hermione and Harry filled Sirius in on the mystical magical orb mayhem. They had heard about Professor Trelawney's tantrum and Harry had been part of the Gryffindor game.

Sirius was openly chuckling at the teens. "Sounds like a prank worthy of the Marauders," he complimented. "How did they come up with it?"

Ron was still looking glum, "They won't tell me who their supplier was."

Hermione just grinned smugly.

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Snuffles had just left Harry, Ron and Hermione and was headed into Hogsmeade to see what he could scrounge up.

He was trotting along the street trying to find any newspapers that people may have dropped when he caught a very familiar scent. He followed the scent to where two young witches were talking in front of Honeydukes. He was trying to figure out how Remus Lupin's scent had gotten mingled with the witches.

"Hello there boy, can I pet you?" the younger of the two witches was leaning down with a hand stretched out toward him.

The older witch was giving him a dirty look. "Darla, don't touch it. You have no idea what that thing may be carrying."

Snuffles wagged his tail trying to look ingratiating. He wanted to get closer to the other witch to see if he could figure out why she smelled like Remus.

"Oh come on Amber, he looks like he is starving. Can I bring him home?" Darla tried the wide-eyed baby sister look that used to work so well.

"No, Darla, you cannot bring him home. He looks like he is infested with fleas, I can't imagine that he is up to date on his shots, and he is probably viscous," Amber was keeping herself between the dog and the baby pram.

Snuffles rolled over on his back and waggled his legs in the air in an attempt to win her over.

"Oh sure Amber, he is a mean viscous rabid monster," Darla knelt down and began to scratch his stomach causing his back leg to start shaking. Darla giggled, "See Amber, he's just a big cuddly buggly, aren't you? He would be protection for us when Remus has to go away," Darla told her sister pleadingly.

"Like Remus goes away so much that we have to worry," Amber protested.

Darla could see she was weakening though, "I promise I'll be the one to take care of him. I'll feed him and walk him and love him and call him George."

Amber snickered, "You will also give him a flea bath as soon as we get home." Darla squealed and threw her arms around the dog's neck almost suffocating him. Amber warned, "The first time he lifts a leg to anything in the house, humps a leg or I get even an inkling that he is a danger to the baby and you are _both_ gone."

Darla nodded, "Let me run to the store and get the flea shampoo, a leash, collar and a couple of bowls."

Amber was looking down at the big, black bear of a dog, "You had better make an appointment for him to have his shots and if we are going to keep him you gotta' get him neutered."

Darla winced in sympathy as the dog flipped over and tucked his tail between his legs, "We had better wait on that. Make sure no one claims him."

"Just remember that you need to be a responsible pet owner, so don't put it off for too long," Amber waited with the baby and dog while Darla ran to pick up what she needed.

"Dog," Amber addressed him, "you are on probation, so don't mess it up. Darla is an old softy and you can have the good life if you play your cards right." A thumped tail and a doggy grin where her answer.

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Darla came hurrying back with several large overflowing bags. Amber stared at her, "I thought you were just going to get him a few things?"

"He needs a brush and a bed and some toys, and there was the cutest scarf," Darla looked as if she was about to empty the bags and show Amber everything she had purchased.

"Darla!" Amber hollered to get her attention. "You can show me what you got when we get home AND after you give the mutt a bath."

Darla leaned over and put a neon pink collar with rhinestones around the dog's neck and hooked a matching leash onto it, "Come on Pookie, let's go home," she cooed to the beast.

Snuffles suffered the indignity of collar and leash and obediently trotted along beside Darla.

"See Amber, he is a perfect gentleman," Darla grinned.

"We'll see," was all Amber would allow.

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Arriving home, Amber took Cynthia up to put her down for a nap while Darla rummaged through her bags and pulled out the flea shampoo, dog conditioner, a comb, brush, nail clippers and dog cologne. "Come on Pookie, let's go get you cleaned up," and she headed to toward the downstairs bathroom.

Snuffles was looking at all the paraphernalia Darla was carrying and started having second thoughts about the wisdom of submitting to her ministrations just to find out what Remus' role was in this household. Snuffles stiffened his front legs and hunched his shoulders and refused to budge. Darla was happily humming thinking about all the fun she was going to have with her new pet and didn't notice his rebellion until the leash pulled taught and she snapped back dropping her armful of stuff.

"Pookie, what's wrong baby? Are you scared?" Darla went back and started rubbing his ears, "This won't hurt a bit Pookie, and if you want to stay you have to have a bath, so come on," Darla headed to the bathroom again. Again Snuffles bowed up and wouldn't move. Darla gave him a considering look and then sent all the bath stuff to the bathroom. Moving behind him she tried to lift his rear and push him along the floor. Snuffles flopped boneless onto floor and Darla fell over and had to twist to keep from landing on him, "Not nice, Mr. Pookie," she scolded him. "You have to have this bath or Amber won't let you stay." Darla grabbed his collar and started pulling him along the floor. Snuffles was a very big dog and he had decided he wasn't moving. Darla ended up losing her traction and each foot slid until one of her legs was on each side of the dog's body. Snuffles laid his head down on her right thigh and sighed.

Darla decided enough was enough. Determining that she was a witch and no dog was going to get the better of her, she pulled out her wand and levitated the surprised dog, floating him toward the bathroom. Snuffles' feet were doing a mad paddle in mid-air as he tried to find some way of stopping his forward movement. Snuffles saw Darla's grin and decided to start howling.

Amber called down from the nursery, "Darla, shut that animal up before he wakes Cynthia."

Darla gave him a dirty look and then cast a silencing charm on him. Snuffles shot her a look that plainly said she wasn't playing fair.

Reaching the bathroom, Darla lowered him into the tub and flicked on the water so the tub would fill up. She reached up for some towels and while her back was turned Snuffles made a break for it. A mad scramble and a dash for freedom were thwarted by Darla casting a boundary charm on the doorway. Snuffles hit it head on and bounced off sliding along the floor until he skidded to a stop back up against the tub. "Bad dog," she scolded as she put him back in the tub. Placing the towels beside the tub she grabbed the brush and started to brush his coat.

Snuffles decided this wasn't too bad and allowed it, although as the water rose he found it less pleasant. Darla decided she would finish brushing him after the bath and grabbed the bottle of shampoo and read the directions. "Ok Pookie, here goes," she used her wand to direct the water until his coat was completely wet before turning off the water. "Now for the fun stuff," opening the bottle she squirted some shampoo onto his back and started rubbing it in. Snuffles closed his eyes as Darla massaged the liquid in he could almost feel the regular fleas and ticks dropping off. He could actually feel the magical fleas and ticks joining forces on his coat. He sat down in the water and began scratching trying to dislodge them. Darla squealed as he flicked her with soapy water.

Snuffles, or Pookie as he is now known, had managed to dislodge some of the magical fleas. He could hear them communicating, their voices pitched too high for human ears. They were retreating up his back and legs trying to reach higher ground.

Darla decided there wasn't enough lather so reached for the shampoo bottle to apply some more. Giving it a big squeeze she popped the top off of the bottle and emptied the whole thing onto Snuffles. "Oh bullocks," Darla cursed, "it said not to use more than a cup of the stuff."

Snuffles noticed a decided increase in the amount of lather as the shampoo dripped off of him and into the bath water. The bubbles were rapidly filling the tub. Snuffles decided there was no way he was smothering in a mountain of flea shampoo. Jumping out of the tub he shook himself off splattering the whole room with soap and water and again made a dash for it.

Darla levitated him and this time she shut the door before turning and banishing the bubbles and putting the dog back into the tub. "Stay, you ornery pup," she ordered and began to rub the shampoo into his fur.

The magical fleas and ticks were now making a last stand on his neck and head. He could feel them trying to pop the bubbles before they could carry them away. There were reports of casualties coming in from all sectors. He watched a bubble floating towards the ceiling carrying a few fleas and one lone tick. The magical fleas and ticks were fighting a losing battle. As the bubbles tickled his nose, he could hear a tiny rendition of taps being played as the last of the magical fleas and ticks floated away in the bubbles.

"Now this has to sit for twenty minutes so it will kill all of the fleas and ticks. I'm going to go see about your dinner, don't tell Amber but I bought you a steak while I was getting everything else for you. Stay here and I'll be back in twenty minutes to rinse you off." Darla placed a kiss on his nose, "Bluck, soap," she spit out before leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind her.

Snuffles sat down in the tub and placed his head on the rim. '_Steak…I can't remember the last time I had steak….I hope she cooks it medium rare…._' he thought. Snuffles drifted off into a daydream about steak. Darla had banished the bubbles, but not the shampoo mess. Snuffles didn't notice as the bubbles started rising again. When the bubbles finally started to drip out of the tub and onto the floor that is when he figured out that something wasn't quit right. Jumping from the tub he scrambled toward the bathroom door and turned to look back. He let out a whine; the bubbles were now creeping up and starting to crawl towards him. He started barking and whining trying to get Darla's attention. The doorknob was a round knob and he couldn't get a grip on it to open the door himself. The bubbles were now up to his chin; he reared up onto his hind legs and started to scratch at the door frantically.

Amber walked by the bathroom and heard him fussing and hollered through the door, "Darla, I thought I told you to keep the beast quiet, and he better not be scratching the paint on my door."

Darla peeked out of the kitchen, "What was that Amber?"

Amber looked from the noise coming from the bathroom to her sister in the kitchen doorway. Turning back to the bathroom she noticed a thin stream of bubbles oozing out from under the door. Closing her eyes and counting to ten, she then opened the door releasing a flood of bubbles and one frantic, wet, soapy, very large dog.

"DARLA," she screamed which woke the baby who started crying. Snuffles was whining and barking and running around madly. Amber looked into what had once been a very pretty bathroom. It now looked like a place that could apply for disaster assistance. Taking a deep breath, "Darla, you had better clean up every bubble, dog hair and drop of water before I come back down from taking care of Cynthia," Amber turned and ran back upstairs.

Darla looked at Snuffles, "Pookie, Pookie, Pookie," she let out a sigh of her own. "Come on let's finish your bath and then I'll clean everything up.

Darla had finished rinsing the soap off of Pookie (Snuffles) and had cast cleaning charms on the bathroom. She had finished drying him off with a towel and had reached for her wand to finish drying him when Darien stuck his head in the door, "Hey, whose that?"

Darla looked at her new pet proudly, "That is Pookie," she replied.

Pookie took the opportunity to start licking his privates dry.

Darien started laughing, "You know why a dog licks himself?" he teased. Before Darla could respond, "Because he can," still laughing he ducked the towel his sister threw at him and headed upstairs to visit his niece.

"Don't listen to him Pookie," Darla said, "But you really shouldn't do that in public." Pookie rolled over onto his back as though to say, '_Then you dry it_.'

Darla gave him a grin and pointed her wand at the area under discussion causing Pookie to let out a worried yelp," Just a drying spell, Pookie," Darla soothed. "I'm going to let an animal healer take care of neutering you."

Pookie wasn't all that soothed.

Thirty minutes later, Pookie was clean, the downstairs was restored to order and Darla was feeding her new pet. Amber entered the kitchen after inspecting the rest of the downstairs. "Very nice Darla," she commented before giving an appreciative sniff. "Something smells great." She then noticed what the dog was eating, "Is that monster eating our dinner?"

"Not at all," Darla replied huffily, "I bought him a steak when I picked up the rest of his stuff."

"I hope you don't plan on feeding that behemoth steak every night, you'll go broke," Amber headed over to the cold box to see what she had to fix for dinner. It was empty, "Did you remember to get the rest of the groceries when you picked up his steak?" she asked quietly.

Darla's eyes got huge, "No I didn't."

Amber sighed, "The dog gets steak and we get cold cuts. What do you want on your sandwich?"

Darla looked slightly guilty, "I'm not hungry." At Amber's look, "I ate some of his steak. It smelled so good," she defended herself.

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Remus arrived home and entering the house followed his nose to the kitchen. Kissing Amber, "Something smells great, what's for dinner?"

Amber handed him a plate with a neatly cut ham and cheese sandwich.

"It must be too close to the full moon, because I would have sworn that I smelled steak," Remus said.

"You did smell steak," Amber assured him. "Darla took in a stray and remembered to buy him a steak for dinner, but didn't remember to pick up the rest of the groceries.

"A stray?" Remus took a bite of his sandwich.

"Yes a big black dog. I warned her the first problem and he's gone." Amber leaned back on the counter, "Plus she has to have him neutered. I cannot believe how some people can let a dog get to that age without neutering him. He is a mutt so there is no way they should breed him." Amber shook her head, "Sorry I'll get off my soap box now."

Remus smiled at her, "Where are they?"

"Darla went to set up his new dog bed in her room," Amber told him.

"I think I'll go check out the latest addition to our family," Remus gave her another kiss before heading upstairs.

Darla's door was open and Remus looked in. Yes there was a very big and fluffy dog bed in one corner of the room. However the large dog who was supposed to be on the dog bed was stretched out full length on the girl's bed. They were sharing a pillow and the girl had thrown her arm over the dog and was fast asleep.

The big black head looked up at Remus' hiss, "Get out here now."

Wiggling he managed to get out from under the girl's arm without waking her and padded over to the man standing in the hall. He followed him into the master bedroom and watched as Remus shut the door and placed a silencing charm on the room.

"What are you doing here? And just what the hell were you doing curled up in bed with my sister-in-law?" Remus demanded.

Snuffles transformed into Sirius Black, "It's good to see you too, Mooney."

AN: jonquillejaune: My mom always said you don't remember the pain of giving birth only the joy of having a child…and then they become teenagers and the pain comes back.

MarkDarcy: We shall see…I might still have a few twists left in me.

GraceRichie: Loved your chapter…although I haven't quite forgiven you for the cliffie.

Radingsoul4u: I had fun writing the teacups. Couldn't help putting in that she only used the blue ones.

JennSmith: I have to admit I love Ginny and Draco together. I may have to see how many more couples I can juggle in this story.


	29. You’ve Doggone Gone And Done It

Disclaimer: I don't claim

Chapter 29 You've Doggone Gone And Done It.

_In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog." - Edward Hoagland_

Remus glared at Sirius and then pulled him into a hug, "Padfoot, what are you doing here?"

"I came to keep an eye on Harry. While I was in Hogsmeade I chanced across your wife, thanks for the invite to the wedding by the way, and your daughter," Sirius replied as he sat down on the bed.

"How did you know about Amber and Cynthia?" Remus asked.

"Your scent was all over them, mate, how could I _not_ know that they belonged to you?" Sirius laughed.

"Still doesn't explain why you were in bed with my sister-in-law," Remus scowled at him.

"Hey, you know me and pretty girls," Sirius shrugged.

Remus grinned at him, "Yes I do and that is why I agree with Amber."

"About what?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

"The urgent need to neuter you," Remus smirked.

"Ow, not that Mooney, don't even joke about it," Sirius crossed his legs defensively.

Remus was sniffing the air, "What is that smell?" looking around he stepped closer to Sirius, "It's you! Why do you smell funny?"

"Flea bath, "Sirius muttered.

"What?"

"Darla gave me a flea bath," Sirius growled.

Remus grinned at him and opened his mouth.

Sirius interrupted, "Don't even go there… or I will have to remind you that YOUR sister-in-law gave me a bath."

Remus scowled at that reminder. Not having sisters of his own he found he was protective of Darla. "What are we going to do with you?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius looked puzzled.

"How am I going to tell my wife and sister-in-law that the new family pet is in reality my best friend from school _and_ the mass-murderer-escaped-from-Azkaban Sirius Black who _also_ just happens to be an unregistered animagus?" Remus scrubbed his face with his hands and then thumped down on the bed beside Sirius.

"Why tell them anything?" Sirius asked, "I'll just keep playing the lovable stray," Sirius reached into a pocket of his tattered robes and pulled out a strip of leather and began playing with it.

"You are not seriously suggesting that I just pretend you are a dog?" Remus looked at him askance. "I'll have you know I **_like_** being married and want to continue to live to a ripe old age. I can just imagine Amber's reaction to finding out I knew that you were the dog and didn't tell her," Remus shuddered.

"We'll think of something, Mooney, stop being such a worry-wart and introduce me to your daughter," Sirius clapped Remus on the back.

Remus gave him a look and then nodded; he didn't subscribe to Sirius' don't worry be happy attitude, but right now he just wasn't in the mood to try to figure out how to handle this whole strange situation. "You better go as Padfoot," he told him.

Sirius morphed into his alternate form and watched as Remus removed the wards and the locking charms from the bedroom. Leading him into the nursery Remus looked down at his sleeping daughter and smiled with pride and affection. Padfoot reared up on his hind legs and peered over the railing of the crib looking down on the sleeping infant.

"Remus Lupin, what the bloody hell do you think you are doing?" Amber hurried into the room with her wand drawn. "Why is that monster hanging over our baby?" she asked protectively.

"Amber, I was just introducing him to Cynthia so he would recognize her as a member of his pack," Remus tried explaining.

Amber didn't look convinced, but since her animagus form was canine, she could almost accept that, "I don't know that I totally trust him, Remus."

"I would never put Cynthia in any danger Amber," Remus reassured her.

Amber nodded, "I know that. Do you sense something about him?"

"I feel that he is trustworthy," Remus answered while Padfoot thumped his tail in agreement and gave him a doggy grin, "around our daughter," Remus amended.

"He seems very intelligent," Padfoot preened, "for a dog," Amber continued.

"He is," Remus agreed, "for a dog."

Amber looked up from her perusal of the dog, "Oh, I came up here to tell you that Alexis is here with the boys." At Remus' puzzled look, "Did you forget? We're keeping the boys tonight and she is keeping Cynthia tomorrow night. Darla is going to visit the Weasleys and that leaves just you me and the dog," Amber gave the animal another suspicious look. Her wolf senses were telling her that this wasn't an ordinary dog.

Remus had a gleam in his eyes. This would be the first time he and Amber had been alone since Cynthia had been born. "I wonder if we can talk Alexis and Severus into taking the dog too?"

Amber shrugged, "We can ask. All they can say is no."

The beast in question was rumbling and grumbling in doggy fashion. Darla came into the nursery, "Pookie! There you are bad doggy," she knelt on the floor and began to put his collar on him.

Remus was having a hard time not laughing, "Pookie?"

"Yes, that is what I named him," Darla scratched him behind his ears, "What do you think Remus?"

"That is a very bright collar you got for him. He must be very secure in his maleness to be able to wear a pink rhinestone collar," Remus was holding onto his composure with every ounce of willpower he had.

"I think it looks nice against his black fur," Darla defended her choice. "Plus pink is no longer just for females," she stated huffily.

"We are being rude," Amber said, "leaving Alexis downstairs for all this time," as she herded everyone downstairs.

Alexis looked up as the group entered the smile of greeting sliding from her face as she noticed the large black dog accompanying them, "Who have we here?"

Darla grinned, "This is my new pet, Pookie."

"Pookie?" Alexis had to bite her lip to keep from bursting into laughter.

"Why does everyone keep questioning my baby's name?" Darla groused.

"He just seems kind of large for a Pookie," Alexis explained giving the dog a wary look before holding her hand out to him to sniff, "Hello boy, are we going to be friends?"

Pookie growled at her causing her to sigh, "I guess not."

"Pookie," Darla scolded. "Be nice, Alexis is our friend. Now go up and say hello."

Pookie slunk over with his tail between his legs and sniffed Alexis' hand before turning his attention to the babies who were asleep in their carriers. "This is Aleser and this is Nathair," Alexis said ignoring the strange looks she was getting from the people present as she introduced her babies to a dog.

Pookie cocked his head to one side and wagged his tail before returning to lay at Darla's feet.

"Thank you for keeping the boys," Alexis said as she got up from her seat. "What time do you want me to pick them up tomorrow?"

"If I tell you after lunch, will you return the favor Sunday?" Amber teased.

"Sounds like a plan to me," Alexis smiled and hugged the other witch before kissing Remus on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

Amber turned around to find Pookie back over by the twins sniffing at them, "That is one strange dog."

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Alexis decided to think about Snuffles showing up at Remus and Amber's house later. She had been planning this evening all week. Returning to their rooms, Alexis arranged with Slinky to provide a romantic dinner. Then she prepared to receive her husband.

Snape's day had been aggravating and had only gotten worse. Of course his last class of the week had to be double potions with the Gryffindor Golden Pain in his arse. The only bright stop of his day was taking twenty points from Potter.

Snape opened the door to his rooms wondering how long it was going to take to get rid of Albus. Dumbledore had requested a private meeting with Snape. Looking around the room lit only by the flickering flames in the hearth, "Damn and blast can't anything go right today?" he snarled.

A sultry voice answered from the bedroom doorway, "I'll take that as a challenge."

Snape's mouth fell open in an unattractive gape. Alexis was posed wearing not much more than strategically draped strands of hair and a couple of scarves around her waist.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and Snape turned to find him studying the ceiling.

"Alexis we have a guest," Snape said with a faint flicker of disappointment.

"What?" came a shriek from his scantily-clad wife.

"It is the headmaster," he advised her watching as a flash of butt cheek disappeared into the bedroom and the door slammed shut. Snape wondered if today had been some type of cosmic punishment for some of his past sins.

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Remus watched as Darla tried to convince Pookie to play fetch with her. They had decided to enjoy the evening in the rear gardens. Amber and Remus were seated in loungers while Cynthia slept on one blanket and the twins crawled about on another one.

"Fetch, Pookie," Darla tossed a ball across the lawn. Pookie just stared at her and then flopped onto the ground. Darla ran and retrieved the ball and showed it to the bored dog, "See, Pookie, the object of the game is for me to throw the ball and you to go get it and bring it back to me."

Pookie refused to look at her and instead watched the antics of the twins.

Darla threw the ball again, "Fetch," she tried, "please fetch it, Pookie. It'll be fun. I'll give you a treat," she tried bribery before running to get the ball herself.

Pookie took the opportunity to get up and go over and lay on the ground next to the blanket the twins were using. Amber gave him a warning look but didn't say anything as Remus settled down near the big black dog.

Nathair noticed the newest addition first. With a look of intense concentration he managed to scoot over to where Pookie was laying down. Soon the two were nose to nose: after a second Nathair gave a lunge and tried to put Pookie's nose in his mouth causing the dog to huff and move back abruptly. Nathair was not to be deterred and scooted close again. Aleser realized that his brother was gone and managed to roll around until he found him. Aleser's brow furrowed as he tried to decide if it was worth his while to cry. Apparently he decided it was not beneficial at this time and he too crawled over to see what this new thing was.

Pookie was concentrating on keeping his nose out of Nathair's mouth and didn't notice the sneak attack from Aleser until one of his ears was tugged sharply. He tried to move his head away from the tiny hand, but the grip was surprisingly strong and tenacious and did not let go. While Aleser distracted him, Nathair managed to crawl around to Pookie's side and was trying to pull himself up onto the big dog's back. Pookie was under siege and decided it was time to bring out the big guns. He rolled over onto his back taking Nathair with him. Now both boys were on the same side. Aleser had managed to keep hold of Pookie's ear twisting it uncomfortably, but Aleser was now in a vulnerable position. Pookie managed to reach out a long, wet tongue and lick the little boy from his chin to his ear. Aleser chortled and released his hold much to Pookie's relief.

Turning his attention to Nathair who was now trying to climb onto his stomach, Pookie flipped over again and managed to pin the intrepid explorer with one large paw. Pookie then proceeded to lick the little boy all over his face. Nathair endured the tongue bath before reaching out and grabbing Pookie's tongue. He only managed to hold it for an instant. Aleser used Pookie's distraction with Nathair to succeed where his brother had failed. Aleser was now perched on Pookie's back and was trying to shove one of Pookie's ears into his mouth.

Pookie shook his head trying to dislodge his ear from Aleser's possession and ducked his head down. This allowed Nathair to obtain his original goal of putting Pookie's nose in his mouth. Remus burst into laughter as Nathair proceeded to try to suckle Pookie's nose.

At his laughter Amber looked up from where she was feeding Cynthia, "Remus that is disgusting and unhygienic."

"Yes dear," Remus responded as he rescued the beleaguered dog.

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"Alexis," Snape tapped on the bedroom door: he hadn't been to open it yet. Alexis had locked and warded the room, "Albus is gone, you can come out now."

There was a muffled response from the bedroom, "Alexis, I cannot understand you through the door, open it up," Snape ordered. There was a snick as the door was unlocked and he could feel the spells being cancelled. "That's more like it," he opened the door to find her wearing a pair of flannel pajamas, old grey sweat socks, and her hair was now tied up in one of the scarves that she had been using as a skirt. Her face was covered in green gunk leaving nothing but two holes for her eyes, one for her mouth and two tiny air holes around her nostrils.

Snape was once again doing his impersonation of a large mouth bass, "What happened to you?" he finally managed to get out.

Alexis tried to respond but the green gunk had hardened and she was unable to open her mouth.

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Amber gave the twins some teething biscuits and left them in Remus' care while she took Cynthia up to change her and put her down for the night. The twins were concentrating on trying to eat the hard biscuits and were ignoring Pookie for the time being. Darla had fallen asleep on the couch. A half hour of chasing the ball to show Pookie how to fetch coupled with her efforts to bath the beast had exhausted her.

Pookie felt safe since the twins appeared to be totally focused on their treats and he once again crept close to the babies. He was fascinated by them and Remus was trying to figure out the attraction.

Nathair looked up from his contemplation of his cookie and noticed Pookie. Some form of communication appeared to pass between the boys because Aleser looked up from his biscuit also. Nathair held out his cookie to Pookie as though in invitation. Pookie gave it a cautious sniff but decided the moist offering was not to his taste and settled back down.

Nathair put it back into his mouth and began gnawing on it while staring at Pookie. Pookie was busy watching Nathair so didn't notice Aleser crawling over to him until he felt something gummy being shoved into his ear. Shaking his head he dislodged the treat causing it to fly up and land on his back. Aleser studied the problem and began to scale Pookie's back to retrieve his biscuit.

Pookie turned as well as he was able to see what Aleser was doing. Nathair now had two sticky hands which he proceeded to bury into Pookie's freshly washed fur.

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Snape managed to pry the green gook off of Alexis face with a few well cast charms. It had left her face red and raw, "What did you put on your face?" he asked irritably.

"Madame Millie's Magical Mud Masque," she replied haughtily.

"The stuff that was in the white pot in the bathroom?" Snape asked.

"Yes," Alexis replied while gingerly touching her stinging face.

"That wasn't a mud mask," he snickered.

"It was in a jar labeled Madame Millie's Magical Mud Masque," Alexis said giving him a glare.

"Yes, well I broke the jar I had the spackling potion in I was using to repair one of the student's tables and I used that empty jar to store it in. I found it in the bathroom and must have gotten distracted and left it in there."

Alexis' stare could have blistered paint, "You did what?"

Snape stopped snickering and carefully took her arm, "Alexis we need to go see Poppy," as he led her toward the fireplace.

"Why?" Alexis reached her hand up to touch her face again, the sting had gotten worse, Snape took her hand and refused to let her feel her face.

"Just trust me, we need to see Poppy," he told her and reached for the Floo powder.

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Amber came downstairs to find the boys crying while Remus was trying to remove Nathair's hands from Pookie's fur.

"What is going on here?" she asked as she scooped Aleser up and began to comfort him. Amber grabbed the fist Aleser was trying to shove into his mouth, "Remus why is Aleser's palms covered in black hair? He really shouldn't have this problem for another twelve years or so…"

"Just be careful. What type of biscuits did you give them?" Remus asked from his position on the floor.

"Just some teething biscuits," Amber explained as she watched her husband use a safety severing charm to cut Nathair's hands free from Pookie's fur. Amber began to feel sorry for the poor beast. He now had four baby fist sized bald spots in his otherwise thick fur. He was also being remarkably patient.

"They appear to harden to rock-like consistency and glue any two substances together," Remus replied as he looked at Nathair's now hairy palms, "Do you think Alexis will notice?"

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Poppy took one look at Alexis' face and dropped the bedpan she was holding. Luckily she had just emptied and cleaned it. "Alexis, what the bloody hell happened to you?"

Alexis gave Snape a dirty look, "I used a spackling potion instead of a mud masque, how bad is it?"

"I've seen worse," Poppy neatly avoided the question.

Alexis closed her eyes and groaned, "That is not reassuring."

Poppy and Snape discussed the ingredients in the spackling potion and what could have reacted with Alexis' skin to produce the unique combination of a green and blue plaid pattern liberally dotted with large orange hives that emitted a strange popping noise randomly.

The two came to an agreement that it was the combination of toadstools, slug slime, and blood moss that had probably caused the outbreak. Using a combination of potions and spells Poppy treated the condition. She managed to remove the orange hives but the plaid pattern remained.

Further consultation led Poppy and Snape to decide that the spackling potion must have been contaminated by some residual mud mask that the jar had originally contained. Snape went to fetch the jar to see if it listed the ingredients of the original contents of the jar.

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Amber and Remus had managed to clean the dog hair off of the boys and after giving them a much needed bath put them down for the night. Amber woke Darla up to send her to bed, "Come on, Pookie," Darla yawned, "time for bed."

Pookie jumped to his feet and wagging his tail prepared to follow the young witch up to her bedroom. "Darla, I don't think it would be a good idea for Paa… Pookie to share your room."

Pookie shot him a look of betrayal.

"Why not, Remus?" Darla asked sleepily.

"I've put a charm on the back door to let him out at night if he needs to go," Remus made up on the spur of the moment, "and if he is shut up in your room he won't be able to use it."

Darla looked unconvinced until Remus added, "You know what Amber said about accidents."

Darla nodded reluctantly and petted Pookie on the head, "Tough luck, buddy."

Remus waited until Darla had disappeared up the stairs before leading Pookie into the kitchen. A couple of quick charms and no one could get into the kitchen nor hear anything that was said there.

Pookie morphed into Sirius Black, "Why'd you go and do that for Mooney?" he complained.

Remus started laughing and couldn't answer him.

"What?" Sirius asked irritably.

Remus charmed a spoon into a mirror and handed it to the other wizard.

"Great galloping ghosts," Sirius cursed as he saw the bald patches on his head.

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Alexis had finally been cured and she and Snape were once more back in their quarters. Alexis was curled up on the couch nursing a lemonade. Snape had told her that the potions they had treated her with didn't mix well with alcohol.

They had just finished a bland dinner of soup and crackers. Snape had been concerned that the treatment Alexis had been subjected to might upset her stomach.

"So much for my planned seduction," Alexis pouted as she snuggled up next to Snape.

Snape snorted as he took in her flannel pajamas and grey sweat socks, "I have to admit I prefer the outfit you _didn't_ have on when I came in tonight," he nuzzled the top of her head. "Maybe we can finish this tomorrow night?" he suggested.

Alexis went very quiet and very still.

"Alexis?" Snape questioned.

"I'm afraid not," she whispered, "we are babysitting tomorrow night to repay Amber and Remus for babysitting tonight."

"I should have known," Snape replied.

AN: MarkDarcy: I can't resist the thought to threatening Sirius with neutering, probably a residual thing left over from my divorce (grins).

GraceRichie: I admit he has grown on me. When I first found out who they had cast I wasn't too sure if he would work, but boy did he.

Radingsouls4U: The collar comes into play in later chapters. A brief glimpse of it was in this one.

JennSmith: I hate that he passed through the veil too! Bring him back J.K. please.

Melissa: Thanks again for the fixes.


	30. Taking Care of Babies

Disclaimer: I don't claim.

Chapter 30 Taking Care Of Babies

_What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.  
-- __Anonymous_

Alexis had a smug look on her face as she entered Amber and Remus' cottage. "Get lucky did ya'?" Amber grinned at her friend.

Alexis just shot her a look of such satisfaction it should have been fined and refused to comment.

Leading her into the parlor Amber tried to goad her into saying something but Alexis just smirked at her. The smirk fled her face as she noticed her sons asleep on a blanket on the floor. That in and of itself was not enough to cause a second look: it was the large, black bear of a dog curled protectively around them that had stunned Alexis.

Amber noticed her surprise, "Remus assures me that the boys are safe with Pookie," she hastened to reassure Alexis.

Alexis nodded slowly still trying to figure out what was going on. Pookie was just looking at her with an attempt at an innocent expression.

Amber and Alexis settled on the sofa where they could keep an eye on the babies, "Daddy wants to know what charms you used on the Magic 8 Balls," Amber grinned.

"Why didn't you tell him since you helped?" Alexis asked.

"And admit that I misused Muggle artifacts?" Amber snorted. "I want my father to continue to see me as his sweet little girl. I can get away with more that way."

"True," Alexis allowed. "So did your mom like her Muggle artifact?"

"She wanted to know what all the fuss was about," Amber snickered.

"So did the Unspeakables call in your father to investigate their balls?" Alexis settled back against the arm of the couch.

"Could you rephrase that?" Amber asked. "Hearing father and balls in the same sentence just…" she shuddered and didn't continue.

Alexis snickered but nodded in agreement.

"So what is your next big prank?" Amber asked eagerly. Pookie's ears perked at that question.

"I'm going to have to go into semi-retirement," Alexis groused.

"Why?" Amber asked disappointed.

"Because Dumbledore gave me his patented 'twinkling trim down,'" it was Alexis' turn to shudder as she remembered the long talk she and Dumbledore had shared. "I am an adult woman and he made me feel like a naughty nine year old."

"That's because you were acting like one," Amber teased.

"I'll have you know that it took two adult witches, an adult wizard and two teenaged wizards to pull this off," Alexis huffed.

"I see what you mean, a nine year old wouldn't have needed all that help," Amber grinned again.

Alexis shrugged in agreement.

"You took the rap for us all?" Amber queried.

"Of course I did," Alexis was indignant. "I'm not going to rat out my friends. And if you think for one minute I was going to give up my husband, well I did think about it, but I decided I would rather have him in my debt than in trouble."

Pookie was taking this all in. Remus had tried to explain to him that even though Alexis was married to Snape she was still a good friend. Remus hadn't even tried to convince Pookie that Snape was also considered a friend. That would be a battle for another day.

The twins woke up and after an obligatory kiss from their mother returned their attention to their new toy: Pookie. When Pookie stood up Alexis noticed the bald spots on his fur, "What happened, Amber?"

"You sons happened," Amber grinned.

"How did two infants do all that damage?" Alexis had dropped down next to the dog and was examining the bare patches.

Remus answered from the doorway, "Those teething biscuits are dangerous."

"What?" Alexis knew there were hair charms, but didn't know what they were.

"Your sons chewed them into mush and then proceeded to glue themselves to the dog," Remus grinned. "I had to cut the fur off in order to remove them."

Alexis took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Why didn't you just wet their hands until the cookies softened again?"

Pookie was glaring at Remus who was looking bewildered, "I didn't think of it?" he offered weakly.

"Do you know any of the charms that will grow the hair back?" Alexis looked over at him.

"Not really," Remus replied. "I tried one on him earlier and all it did was make some of his hair grow longer. He had really long hair on his stomach and the rest stayed the same. There are potions that could fix him," he offered hopefully.

Alexis nodded thoughtfully, "I'll ask Severus about it when we get home. Speaking of which, I had better get everyone home," Alexis said checking her watch.

Amber and Remus gathered up the various paraphernalia for Cynthia and the odds and ends Alexis had brought over with the boys. Snape had transfigured their double pram into a triple pram after Cynthia had arrived. It was really ingenious: The twins had double front seats and behind them was an area that folded flat for an infant.

Alexis was placing a floating charm on the diaper bags and was ready to push the babies back to Hogwarts when Amber walked up with a neon pink leash that had a very disgruntled dog attached, "Here you go," she smiled evilly.

"What?" Alexis glanced from Amber down to Pookie.

"If Remus and I are going to have a true evening alone you have to take the dog," Amber said reasonably.

"I didn't agree to take the dog," Alexis argued not wanting to even consider Snape's reaction. "Severus doesn't like dogs."

"Come on, Alexis," Amber pleaded. "Remus and I haven't had an alone night since Cynthia was born," she wheedled, "and we do keep your _two_ boys."

Alexis looked from Amber's pleading eyes down to Pookie, "Pookie, listen up, one paw out of line and you, me and a shovel will take a quick trip to the Forbidden Forest and only me and the shovel will come back."

Pookie bared his teeth at her. "See, he's smiling," Amber said as though she was trying to believe it herself.

"Hmph," Alexis made a noise that only very loosely might possibly be considered assent, "Come on, dog, it is a long walk back to Hogwarts and I want to get you settled before Severus sees you."

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Alexis was about to hex Pookie. She was trying to push the pram and he was fighting the leash the whole way down the street, "Heel, you blasted mutt," she hissed at him.

Pookie whined and pulled on the leash and twisted trying to get free.

She pushed the pram over to the side of the road and turned to Pookie who had bowed up in the middle of the street straining against the leash, "Look, I know that you understand me and if you don't want me to put you in a full body bind and take you to a Muggle vet and have him snip off your bits you will do exactly what I tell you to do!" Alexis said with a glare.

Pookie gave her a considering look. Alexis made scissors of two fingers, "Snip, snip," she warned.

Tucking his tail between his legs, Pookie slunk over next to her, "That's a good boy," Alexis scratched him behind his ears. "When we get to Hogwarts I will take the leash off. Until then you just have to endure it."

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As soon as they turned into the gates of Hogwarts Alexis reached down and unclipped the leash from the collar. Pookie looked up at her and shoved his neck under her hand so that the collar was under her fingers. Alexis laughed, "Nope, that is one indignity I will not free you from. You look good in pink," she teased.

Pookie sulked all the way up to the castle. Alexis managed to get him and the babies down to the dungeons without anyone seeing them. There was a hover charm on the pram that allowed her to float it down the steps.

After settling the babies into their cribs and cots, Alexis flopped down on the sofa and considered the large black dog who was taking up most of the space in front of the fireplace, "Now what are we going to do with you?"

He thumped his tail.

"That's not much help," Alexis complained.

"What's not much help?" Snape entered the room and stooped down to kiss her. Before he made contact he noticed Pookie. "What is that?" revulsion dripping from his voice. "Is that the same mangy mutt you were feeding last year?"

"I believe so," Alexis said. "Darla took him in," she explained.

"If Darla was imbecilic enough to take up with a mongrel like that, why is he taking up space in our quarters?" Snape regarded his uninvited guest with unconcealed disgust.

"Well," Alexis was patting the hand he had put on her shoulder, "it seems that Darla is spending the weekend with the Weasleys and we agreed to keep Cynthia for Remus and Amber so they could have a night alone."

"I may be older than you are, but I have not yet lost my memory," Snape snarked. "And at no time was there any mention of us keeping that," he said pointing a long finger at the dog who appeared to be grinning at him as though enjoying his aggravation.

"Well, it is a new development," Alexis agreed, "and Remus and Amber couldn't have a true night alone if the dog were there." Alexis tried to make that sound completely reasonable.

"And you fell for that line of bul… tripe," Snape substituted remembering they were trying to set a good example for the children.

"Yes," Alexis hung her head as though ashamed of being so gullible.

"Don't try that on me," Snape groused. "One flea, one growl, I even think he is a risk to the children or you and he is out on his tattered ear," he growled as he continued to glare.

"Thank you, dear," Alexis smiled up at him.

Snape just growled as he went to change into something more comfortable.

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There was a howl of fury from the bedroom before Snape stormed out with his wand in one hand and a tattered slipper in the other, "HE IS GONE!" he bellowed.

Alexis looked from the slipper to the dog who was now lying on his back and waggling his feet innocently. With a deep sigh, "Severus, I apologize, I should have been watching him closer. I will buy you some new slippers," she coaxed. "I understand that Madame Malkins has a new shipment in with a warming charm and a special cushioning charm on them. They are supposed to be the most comfortable slippers ever made."

Severus growled again and threw the slipper in the general vicinity of the dog and stormed out of the room.

Alexis glared at the unrepentant hound wagging his tail, "That is the only time I am going to protect you from him. Next time, well let's just say 'snip, snip.' And it will be Severus doing the snipping."

Pookie's tail drooped.

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Alexis fed Cynthia her dinner bottle and watched while Snape placed the twins on a blanket on the floor. To Snape's intense disgruntlement the boys headed straight for Pookie. "What are they doing, Alexis?" Snape demanded.

"It appears as if they have made friends with Pookie," Alexis told him trying not to smile at his jealousy.

"I don't think it is safe for them to be so near the mutt," Snape sneered. "There is no telling what he might give them."

Alexis stopped him, "Darla gave him a bath yesterday and he is clean."

"I still don't trust him," Snape glowered.

Pookie was enjoying himself immensely. Not the part where Aleser was teething on his ear or the part where Nathair was trying to pull his fur out: the part where Snape's sons seemed to prefer his company.

Alexis soothed him, "The dog is just something new. They will get bored with him soon."

Snape wasn't appeased.

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Alexis ordered dinner be served in their rooms and in a spirit of mischief ordered a large bowl of dog food for Pookie. Slinky delivered a prime rib dinner that smelled divine. Snape opened a bottle of wine from his private stock and he and Alexis settled in front of the fire to enjoy their dinner.

Pookie looked from the mushed mash of "Parts Is Parts" dog food to the prime rib dinner the humans were enjoying and grumbled. Just then Aleser crawled over to him and grabbed a handful of Pookie's dinner. Nathair noticed his brother gurgling and laughing as he squished the mess between his fingers and scooted over to join him.

Soon both boys were finger painting each other with the dog food. Pookie let out a sharp yip to get Snape and Alexis' attention.

"What was… oh my… Severus, help me. The boys are trying to eat the dog food," Alexis jumped up and hurried over to the twins who were happily cramming fingers coated in doggie delight into each other's mouths. "Oh that is disgusting," Alexis grabbed Nathair while Snape picked up Aleser and they headed into the bathroom with the two now wailing infants.

Pookie kept a careful eye on the bathroom door as he slunk over to the table and the abandoned dinner plates. A doggy grin of delight broke out over his face as he saw that Snape had barely started on his prime rib and Alexis appeared to only have taken two bites of hers. Several bites and a quick gulp and the two plates were clean.

Pookie trotted back over to a convenient spot in front of the bathroom where he could hear what was going on. When he heard Alexis ask Snape to get the boys some clean pajamas he stationed himself across the doorway.

Snape hurried out and just as Pookie had plotted fell right over the recumbent dog who let out a bloodcurdling yelp as though he were mortally wounded.

Alexis hurried out of the bathroom with a wet wiggling twin under each arm, "What happened?"

Snape looked up at her from his position on the floor and fingered his aching nose which had made first contact with the floor when he fell, "I tripped over that menace."

"Did you hurt him?" Alexis asked flustered.

"Did _I_ hurt _him_?" Snape asked dumbfounded.

"The way he yelped… I'm sorry dear, are you alright?" Alexis tried to back peddle and hurried to stand over him. Unfortunately, she was standing **right** over him and the boys decided that now was the time to recycle the milk and juice that they had enjoyed earlier and both boys let out a stream on top of their father.

"Arrghhh!" Snape tried to get away from the fountains that his sons had become, Alexis in a mistaken attempt to move the boys, managed to follow Snape's flight and keep the stream in a steady downpour across the front of Snape's shirt.

"Alexis stand still," Snape ordered and managed to get to his feet.

Alexis stopped moving.

Pookie was watching the whole scene with sadistic glee; he couldn't have planned it better if he had tried. All he had intended was to cause Snape to trip.

Snape looked at his soaked clothing and without a word headed into the bathroom. Alexis followed him still apologizing.

A few minutes later she came out without the boys and headed into the nursery.

Pookie looked up at a popping noise over where the now empty dinner plates were and noticed that they had been replaced with dessert. Again keeping a careful eye on the bathroom door he helped himself to the German chocolate cake that had been served.

About fifteen minutes later Alexis came out with two freshly laundered babies and walked into the nursery where she tucked the babies into bed.

Returning to the sitting room she plopped down in front of where her plate should have been. Her wine glass was still there but now there was a dessert plate with chocolate smears on it. Snape's place was similarly provided. Alexis waved her wand and the dirty dessert plates disappeared back to the kitchen. Gulping the wine she conjured sandwiches because that was the only food spell she had mastered. She had tried to conjure other food with disastrous results.

Snape came out with wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist, "I am starving," he headed to the table only to stop and stare at the ham sandwich that had replaced his perfectly prepared prime rib, "What is this?"

"It seems the house elves thought we were finished and cleared the table," Alexis explained without meeting his eyes, "So I conjured us some sandwiches."

Snape looked from her to the smug dog lying on the rug. He couldn't swear to it but the mangy mutt's stomach looked bigger.

Snape walked over to stand in front of the large black dog, "Are you sure that is what happened?" he asked Alexis while glaring down.

"That is what I suspect happened," Alexis said.

"I'll tell you what I suspect," Snape sneered at Pookie.

Going for diversionary tactics, Pookie grabbed Snapes towel and began to pull on it.

"Let go you crazy canine," Snape yelled and tried to hold onto his rapidly slipping towel.

Pookie and Snape continued their bizarre game of tug of war while Alexis watched mutely. Pookie had managed to rip part of the towel and was pulling Snape all over the room. Snape realized there was no reason to preserve his modesty since the only other person in the room was his wife and let go of the towel in order to summon his wand when a flare of green fire announced Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall's arrival.

"I am sorry for the abrupt interruption," Dumbledore started only to come to a screeching halt as he noticed Snape's state of undress.

Minerva was enjoying the view and muttered to Alexis, "You lucky, lucky girl."

Snape turned red and managed to grab a small scrap of corner of the towel from Pookie and hold it in front of himself.

AN: JennSmith: The secret to Pookie's bald spots are coming in the next chapter. Pookie growled because he couldn't believe that any woman who voluntarily married Snape is on the side of light.

Melissa: Thank you Mistress of grammar errors. (AN2 fixed one and left the other...I did mean ear and not rear).

Radingsouls4u: I believe this is the third or fourth time she has changed color. But at least no tail this time!

MarkDarcy: My dogs have me well trained. They tell me when they want to be picked up and put into the bed. (AN2: Fixed it so they are eating prime rib for dinner instead of some strange blend of ribeye and prime rib that I had going there!).

GraceRichie: Poor Pookie, everyone is threatening his maleness!


	31. Barking MAd

Disclaimer: I don't own nor do I make money from any of this.

Chapter 31 Barking Mad

_Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.  
--Unknown _

Snape sidled into the bedroom keeping his barely covered front to their guests. "Can I offer you a glass of wine?" Alexis said trying to divert Minerva's attempt to get a good look at Snape's bum.

"No thank you dear," Dumbledore replied before moving to block Professor McGonagall's view. "This will only take a moment." Dumbledore was giving the large black dog a considering look, "I see you have a new addition to your family?"

"Mother of Merlin," Minerva cried noticing the dog for the first time. "That beast is huge, and what happened to his hair? Does he have mange?"

Alexis sighed, "The boys happened. Coupled with Remus the poor beast ended up with bald spots. Darla took him in and, well, it's a long story," Alexis trailed off as Snape came back in properly dressed in trousers and a shirt. He refused to meet Minerva's gaze.

"Severus my dear boy, or should I say man," she started archly, only to have Dumbledore interrupt her.

"Minerva, stop trying to embarrass him," he admonished her. "Now, again I am sorry to interrupt but I wanted to go over a few things regarding the Tri-Wizard tournament."

Thirty minutes later Dumbledore and McGonagall were preparing to leave. "Severus, would you see if there isn't something you can do for that poor dog's fur?" Dumbledore asked looking at the bald spots.

Snape at first looked as if he were about to refuse but reconsidered, "Yes, Headmaster, I have the perfect potion to fix his fur."

Alexis and Pookie both gave him a suspicious look, but Snape only smirked.

As soon as Minerva and Albus had disappeared into the green flames, Snape headed into his private office. He returned with a large blue bottle which he handed to Alexis, "This will take care of the mutt's fur."

Alexis opened the bottle and held it out to Pookie, "Here you go, drink up."

Pookie turned his head and refused the bottle. Alexis slipped an arm around his neck and tried to pry his jaws open, "You have to take the potion, Pookie, or you will look like you have mange. Come on… _cooperate_," Alexis plead as Pookie squirmed and wiggled refusing to open his mouth.

"Alexis," Snape purred, "you don't drink it, you apply it topically. Make sure you rub it in _all_ over." At her questioning look, "That is the only way to achieve a uniform look."

Alexis still had her doubts but she knew that Snape would never actually harm Darla's pet so she quickly cast a charm on Pookie to hold him in place and began to apply the potion.

"Make sure you really soak his fur," Snape instructed from his seat on the couch.

Pookie soon resembled a bear sized drowned rat. Snape made Alexis wash her hands and after taking Pookie out for a quick walk they went to bed. Pookie settled in the nursery near the babies. He had tried licking his fur dry but the potion had such a horrible taste that he soon quit.

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Sunday morning Alexis got up to feed the babies. She missed breast feeding the boys but since they had developed teeth she had switched them over to the bottle. It did make it easier since Snape could now help her out.

Stumbling into the nursery she waved her wand to light the candles and let out a shriek at the sight that greeted her. Snape was soon hovering over her with his wand drawn ready to face whatever evil might be threatening his family.

Alexis was pointing at Pookie, "Severus Snape, what did you give that poor dog?" she accused looking away from the pitiful sight of a now shivering and completely bald Pookie.

"Dumbledore requested that I assist the animal with its bald spots and that is what I did," Snape replied with a smirk. "He doesn't have anymore bald spots, you have to admit that."

"How can you say that?" Alexis demanded. "He is nothing but one big bald spot."

"That is not entirely true," Snape corrected her as he pointed to Pookie's feet. "It appears as if you didn't apply the potion everywhere." Poor Pookie looked like he was wearing fuzzy slippers. "I am really impressed with how thoroughly you applied it to his head," Snape smirked looking at the denuded animal.

Alexis looked at the shivering dog in horror. "How am I going to explain this to Darla? Severus, you have to fix it," Alexis waved her hand.

"Sorry dear," Snape said looking anything but sorry, "but it will just have to grow back naturally… unless I used the wrong potion… and then it would be permanent hair loss."

"You help me feed the babies and then you figure out what potion you used," Alexis ordered as she grabbed up one of the large blankets they used on the floor with the twins. Wrapping the lurid pink fabric with hopping bunnies around the trembling Pookie, "This will have to do until I can find you a sweater or something."

Snape and Alexis took care of the children and then put the twins in a playpen and Cynthia back in her cot. "Severus, we have to find something to put on Pookie. He can't stay wrapped up in that blanket all day and he can't go around naked." At Snape's look, "He'll get sick."

Snape disappeared in the bedroom and when he returned he tossed two items to Alexis. "Severus Snape you are not going to use your Disney shirt that Remus and Amber gave you for the dog," she told him disapprovingly as she held up the t-shirt with Grumpy on it. "And just what do you expect me to do with these?" holding up a pair of black boxers with yellow smiley faces on them. Alexis laughed as some of the smiley faces blew her kisses or winked at her, "Where did you get these?"

"They were a present from Flitwick," Snape responded, "and you said you didn't want a naked dog running around."

Alexis considered Pookie and then considered the boxers, "You may be right. With the way the boys have been grabbing hold of things, Pookie may be best protected by covering his bits. Now find me something to use for his upper body."

Snape reappeared with a lumpy green sweater with a silver "S" knit into it, "No, Severus, you are not going to use the sweater Molly gave you for Christmas either," she told him impatiently. "Why don't you get the one I knit you last year? You have about worn it out anyway."

"But I like that one," Snape complained.

"I'll knit you another," Alexis said flatly.

Snape left the room mumbling under his breath and returned with a black knit sweater that had seen much use, "Does it have to be this one?"

Alexis took it from him and poked a finger in one of the holes in the elbows, "Yes," she said as she held up the tattered hem for his inspection, "I will knit you another one," she promised.

Snape's look remained sullen until Alexis began to try to put the clothes on Pookie. Pookie had no intention of leaving his warm nest of a blanket, but Alexis was a stubborn woman and eventually managed to dump the poor beast out of the blanket and onto the floor. Snape watched bemused as Alexis used her fingers in a scissoring motion which caused the dog to freeze in place.

Alexis tried the boxers on first. Snape was sniggering as he watched her try to decide what to do with the thin rat like tail, "Severus, do you mind if I cut a hole in these for his tail?" she asked anxiously.

Snape managed to get out, "Not at all," then with an evil grin, "would you like me to use a cutting charm for you?"

Pookie yelped and tried to escape. There was no way he was going to allow Snape to use a cutting charm near his hind end.

Alexis tackled the escaping hound and managed to wrestle him back down, "No thank you," she said blowing a strand of her hair out of her face. A few deft snips of the scissors and Alexis pulled what was left of Pookie's tail out of his new smiley faced boxers, "I need to shrink them some," Alexis mused aloud. Casting a shrinking charm the boxers were soon fitted to the bald dog. Turning her attention to the sweater, "This is going to be more challenging."

By the time Alexis was finished dressing Pookie, Snape had to exert enormous amounts of willpower not to roll on the floor clutching his sides and laughing his ass off. The poor animal was wearing a shrunken sweater, shrunken boxers, two pairs of long grey sweat socks with the toes cut out so his feet could stick through and a floppy hat with holes for his ears that was fastened with a long knit scarf.

When Alexis left the room to put away the things she hadn't used Snape leaned over to whisper to the dog, "That should teach you not to eat my dinner."

Pookie couldn't even muster up a growl.

Snape heard Alexis call from the other room, "Severus, would you mind taking Pookie out so he can take care of his business?"

Snape smirked while Pookie whimpered, "It would be my pleasure, dear; where is his leash?"

It was a very cowed Pookie who returned from his walk. They had run into Fang and Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest. Fang had run off yelping at the strange sight and smell of Pookie in his rag-tag clothes. Hagrid had wanted to know what strange new critter Snape had gotten and was he going to be using him for potions ingredients. Hagrid had been very disappointed to find out it was only a hairless dog while Pookie had felt a measure of relief when Snape replied that he didn't need anything Pookie could provide in the way of potions ingredients. Snape had charmed the shorts off so that Pookie could take care of business but much to Pookie's dismay had replaced them as soon as they reached the castle.

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Remus and Amber arrived to pick up Cynthia and Pookie with Darla tagging along claiming to have missed her precious baby.

Pookie was laying in the corner with his back to Snape and Alexis. He was chewing on one of the socks on his front legs and growled if anyone but Aleser or Nathair approached him. Aleser was companionably chewing on the sock opposite to the one Pookie was working on and Nathair had burrowed under the sweater and fallen asleep.

Darla gave Snape and Alexis a hurried and brief greeting before calling, "Pookie baby, mama's here. Where's my baby?"

Pookie let out a low woof so as not to startle the boys. Darla hurried over and immediately pulled off the hat and screeched, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY POOKIE!"

Amber and Remus hurried over to see what could have caused such a reaction from Darla and to help soothe the babies who were now wailing.

Remus took one look at Pookie's bald head and weird apparel and burst into whoops of laughter. Amber had picked up Nathair and was soothing him when she noticed Pookie's dramatically different appearance. She just gaped at him.

Alexis tried to appease Darla, "It was a potion accident. There was a misunderstanding and Severus tried to fix his bald spots but instead of growing hair, it removed all of the hair." Alexis glared at Snape who smirked broadly, "It's temporary, the hair will grow back. I just put some clothes on him so he wouldn't get cold," Alexis finished lamely as she took a good look at Pookie.

"Pookie, I am so sorry baby," Darla had Pookie's hat crumpled in her hands; "I can't believe she would dress you in such mismatched clothes."

By the time their guests had left, Darla had transfigured Pookie's clothes into a stylish ensemble. Instead of smiley face boxers he was wearing neon pink shorts with rhinestones around the tail hole and scattered all over. A matching pink jumper was teamed with pink and white striped socks. Darla had been unhappy with the rat like tail protruding from the back of the pink shorts. Borrowing another sock she had transfigured it so that it was now covered with pink faux fur and fit over Pookie's tail. She hadn't been able to charm it tight enough and at first it had slipped off every time Pookie's tail drooped. Darla had fixed that by tying it tightly on with a lovely white ribbon. A floppy white hat tied with a pink scarf completed the outfit. Pookie looked like he would take a bite out of anyone who came too near and Remus still hadn't stopped laughing.

Alexis walked her friends to the gates and almost felt sorry for Pookie. Collin Creevey had managed to take several pictures with Darla's smiling cooperation. She was very proud of Pookie's ensemble. Alexis had snuck some pictures of her own using the pretense of taking baby pictures. She planned to use them to appease Snape's wrath when he discovered who Pookie/Snuffles really was. She hoped having the pictures of a bald Sirius Black in animagus form as well as dressed in both outfits would counter balance the fact that she had known who he was from the beginning.

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Pookie's trip through Hogsmeade was sheer torture. He tried to pull Darla through the village but Darla insisted upon keeping pace with the Remus and Amber who were leisurely strolling along pushing Cynthia in her pram.

The final touch to Pookie's indignation came when Madame Malkin came out of her shop and praised Pookie's ensemble at the top of her not inconsiderable lungs. A crowd had gathered and before long Darla, with Madame Malkin's assistance, had obtained orders to fit several of the local witches and wizards' pets with 'walking' outfits. Darla was beaming by the time they got home.

Remus was finally able to convince Darla that she needed to work on some sketches for her upcoming appointments and to leave Pookie with him. Remus took Pookie into the parlor and locked and warded the room.

Pookie morphed back into a very disgruntled Sirius Black. Neither wizard realized that because the clothes had been put on him while he was in his animagus form, they would not disappear. Remus was glad he had put a silencing charm on the room. He just wished he had a camera to record for posterity the site of Sirius Black, former Gryffindor sex-god, completely hairless, wearing neon pink skin tight boxers, a sweater that was little more than a crop top, with the pink and white socks on his hands and legs and the faux fur tail hanging down in back: the potion that had dissolved Pookie's fur and also dissolved Sirius' robes.

"Mooney, if you don't get me something decent to put on Cynthia will be an only child," Sirius threatened.

"Padfoot old chum is your voice higher or is it just me," Remus teased watching as Sirius tried to shift the shrunken boxers and obtain more room.

"Mooney I am warning you," Sirius would have looked more threatening if the floppy hat wasn't still covering half of his face, "these things are cutting me in half."

Remus found some old robes of his and Sirius gratefully changed while muttering, "I don't know why everyone and everything seems to be threatening my bits."

"What did you say?" Remus asked.

Sirius glared at him, "Everyone and his brother seems determined to make me a eunuch. Amber says I have to be fixed. You have threatened me with neutering and yesterday Alexis told me she was going to take me to a Muggle vet and have my bits and balls cut off. I'm tired of it!"

Remus settled on the couch, "Well then behave you horny bastard. Now how did this happen?" Remus waved his hand to indicate Sirius' baldness.

"It was Snivellus, you know he has always hated me," Sirius growled.

"But he doesn't know that Pookie is you," Remus told him reasonably, "Exactly what did you do to get on Severus' bad side?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Why do you think I would have done something?" Sirius asked indignantly, "And have you noticed anything strange about Alexis?" he said trying to change the subject. He really didn't want to have to explain about eating Snape and Alexis' prime rib dinner. Sirius knew that it was still a soar spot that Remus had to eat a sandwich Friday night while Pookie had eaten steak.

"What do you mean?" Remus wanted to know.

"How many people talk to animals as if they are going to understand them?"

"All the pet lovers I know talk to their animals," Remus told him.

"Yes, but none of them actually act like the animals should know and respond to what they are saying," Sirius told him, "I mean from the first time I met her she acted as if she knew I wasn't just a dog. There is something about her that just doesn't add up and I am going to find out what it is."

"Speaking of things that don't add up, I have got to tell Amber who you really are," Remus told him.

"She's your wife and you know her. I'll leave that up to you," Sirius told him.

Remus winced thinking of Amber's reaction to hearing she was playing host to notorious mass murderer Sirius Black.

Darla fussed when she came down later to find Pookie in all his bare glory. Remus had to reassure her that Pookie would not catch cold. The Hogwart's dungeons were much colder and damper than their cozy cottage and Remus would fix him something to wear when they went outside.

Darla reluctantly acquiesced and then started showing Amber and Remus her sketches for a complete line of pet outfits.

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Snape relaxed for the first time since he had found that dog in his quarters. There was something strange about that mutt. The damn dog set his nerves on edge. Slinky approached Snape, "Master Snape sir, I is finding this in the nursery. It was being in all the dog hairs that were being on the floor," Slinky held out a piece of leather.

Snape took it from him and read the inscription on it, 'If found please return to Draluck Avon River Manor 12325 Carlingcott Bath England.' It was a dog collar, "Thank you Slinky, I will make sure Mistress gets it back.

Slinky nodded and hurried away to finish cleaning.

Snape sat and turned the collar over and over in his hands while he tried to put it all together. He knew Alexis had taken up with a stray last year. The stray had disappeared but now was apparently back. Something wasn't adding up. He wondered if it was one of those things Dumbledore wouldn't allow Alexis to tell him.

AN: Melissa: Mistress of Grammar Mistakes….thanks for the e-card. It made my evening.

JennSmith: Hmmm….thanks for the idea!

MarkDarcy: I still have that site bookmarked, for when I need inspiration. Thanks for the primerib…ribeye correction.

Marymistressabagail: Sorry for the confusion….and thanks for reading and reviewing.

Jonquillejaune: Pookie may have already seen Snape nekid….."Snape's Worst Memory" in OOTP where the Marauders turn him upside down and threaten to take off his underpants. Snape interrupts Harry before he can see if they do manage to get them off of him.

GraceRichie: Ahh, Alexis needs a new prank victim and who better than Pookie?

AN2: For those over eighteen who are not offended by male nudity and are interested check out www dot playwitch dot net under past issues for a picture to go along with Minerva's comment.


	32. Its About Time For Another Chapter

Disclaim: Not mine.

Chapter 32 Its About Time For Another Chapter

_"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."  
- Groucho Marx_

Alexis and Amber were finally able to start working on Alexis' Animagus lessons. The twins were now on the bottle and baby food. Amber and Alexis got together every chance they could: sandwiching the lessons in between Amber's work and Alexis' continued lessons with Remus on Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Amber was trying to decide if she was going to continue at St. Mungo's. She had enough of an inheritance that they could live comfortably for time. She had decided she was going to continue working with Snape on the Wolfsbane Potion and the scar removal potion. Snape had told her that he would help her obtain a Potion's Mistress License if she was interested. That would allow her to make and sell potions for St. Mungos and private individuals. But for now she and Remus were still discussing their options.

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Snape came into his quarters and heard voices coming from the bedroom. Curious he headed toward the door to see what was going on when, to his extreme displeasure, he recognized Harry Potter's voice. How dare that impudent brat invade his personal space?

Stepping into the bedroom he stopped at the sight that met his eyes. Harry Potter was sitting on **his** bed hissing at a king cobra. Carefully looking around, Snape saw Remus and Amber standing at a safe distance from the bed, "Someone please tell me exactly what is going on here?" Snape quietly snarled. He might detest the brat, but he didn't want to see him dead: maimed, tortured and expelled maybe, but not dead.

Amber looked over at him, "Well, there is good news and bad news," Snape glared at her impatiently, "the good news is Alexis succeeded in completely transforming into her Animagus form," Snape turned back to look at the cobra on the bed, "yes that is her. The bad news is she can't seem to change back."

Snape took a careful step closer to the bed. The deadly snake reared up and flared her hood causing Snape to freeze in his tracks. Harry spoke to the serpent in Parseltongue and then turned to Snape, "Professor she is just trying to see you, and I think to show off some," he grinned as the cobra hissed something to him, "Were too," he responded in English.

"And just why are you here Mr. Potter?" Snape sneered.

Remus answered, "When Amber flooed me the Alexis wasn't changing back, I told her to send for Harry. Since he is the only Parselmouth we know I felt he might be of assistance in determining why Alexis is stuck."

Snape nodded shortly and then took another step closer. He knew that it was Alexis and she would never hurt him, but it was always wise to use caution around a poisonous creature. Holding out his hand he exerted control as her tongue flickered out tickling his palm. Relaxing her hood she allowed him to caress her head. He stared into her beady black eyes trying to see his wife. She surprised him when she began to slither up his arm. He estimated that she was around thirteen feet long and surprising light at about fifteen pounds. He found her olive color and creamy yellow belly beautiful. When she was draped over his shoulders she brought her head back up to his neck and nuzzled his ear. He couldn't help the twitch as her tongue flickered out along his skin.

Harry snickered, "She says you smell/taste good."

Snape glared Harry to silence. Alexis nudged his chin again before beginning to wind her way down his body. Of course she had to choose to go down under his robes. Snape closed his eyes as she slithered around his body. It felt as if she took an inordinate amount of time circling his waist and hips before sliding down his left leg and onto the floor. Everyone watched as she headed to a corner of the room where she reared up to about four feet and swayed briefly before morphing back into her human form.

"Severus, I want to know what it is about our relationship that I cannot Apparate unless you are there to ground me and it seems as if I cannot change back unless you are here," Alexis looked perturbed.

"It would appear that you cannot function properly without me," Snape snickered.

Harry stared at his Potions Professor.

Snape noticed Harry's look, "Mr. Potter you may return to your common room."

Alexis smiled at Harry, "Thank you for coming to help."

"You're welcome. It was fun talking to you," Harry smiled back at her before glaring at Snape and heading to the door. Alexis' eyes grew wide as she heard Harry mutter something rude in Parseltongue.

"Mr. Potter!" she hissed back at him, "manners."

Looking around she found everyone staring at her, "What?"

"It appears as if you can now also speak Parseltongue," Snape said looking at her with a faint hint of envy.

Alexis turned to Harry who nodded in agreement, "Well isn't that just special."

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Snape soon got used to coming home to find the olive and cream snake waiting on him. As soon as he came in, Alexis could change back. He tried to convince her to only practice when he was present, but Alexis was determined to manage the complete change on her own.

Alexis had some free time one afternoon and decided to practice while Snape was teaching a class. As usual she could change into the cobra, but still found herself unable to change back to human form. Curling up next to the fire she decided to sleep until Snape finished teaching.

Waking from her nap, she was surprised to find that Snape wasn't home yet. It hit her sleepy snake brain that he was teaching the Newt potions class which meant that the class lasted twice as long. Alexis decided to go ahead and find Snape herself.

Slithering through the dungeons she found the door to the potions classroom closed. Nothing she tried with her flat snake head enabled her to open it. She resigned herself to having to wait in the hallway. Curling up against the wall opposite the doorway, she waited.

The bell rang for end of class and woke Alexis up. She started and reared up flaring her hood just as the classroom door opened to let the students our. The first student through the doorway fainted at the sight of a king cobra reared and hissing. This caused a chain reaction of screams and panic.

Snape hurried into the corridor pushing the frantic students aside to find out what all the commotion was about, "Move you bungling imbeciles," he ordered harshly.

Snape gained a great deal of respect from the students that day as he took on a full grown King Cobra without even raising his wand, "What the….what are you doing in the hallway scaring the students?" The cobra's head dropped as if she were ashamed," Well then come along," he turned his back on the snake who had sank to the floor. A wide path was cleared as he led the chastised serpent into the classroom, "Well, what are you dunderheads waiting for? Class dismissed." When the students still made no move to leave, "She is my pet that escaped. She will not bite anyone….unless I tell her to," he smirked menacingly.

The students then left hurriedly. By dinner time the whole school had heard the story of Professor Snape and the forty foot King Cobra with a head the size of a bludger: although some stories had it as a basilisk instead of a cobra.

When Hermione heard some of the first years talking about the forty foot long snake she huffed irritably, "First of all, even King Cobras don't get that big," she started lecturing, "secondly, how on earth would a snake that big have fit in the dungeon corridor, I mean do the math, a snake rears up at one third its body length…." by the time she had finished her lesson on herpetology everyone in the general vicinity was glassy eyed and yawning. Trust Hermione to take all the fun out of a good bit of gossip.

Harry had sworn not to tell anyone about Alexis' Animagus lessons, so of course he only let Ron and Hermione in on the truth.

Alexis could not become a registered Animagus until she could change back on her own. She enlisted Professor McGonagall to assist her in determining why she seemed to need Snape's presence to correctly and completely perform some of the more complicated magic.

Minerva looked at Alexis, "The only reason I can find would involve the binding ceremony you and Severus used when you married. Since Severus already knew how to Apparate, he wasn't effected by it, while you learned both spells after you married."

Alexis was puzzled, "Why would that have anything to do with it? I haven't heard of any other married couples having this problem."

"Most couples don't use the Semper Fidelis Marriage Spell," Minerva explained.

Alexis sighed, "So the ceremony we used wasn't the typical marriage ceremony?"

"No, it was a bonding ceremony. It is almost impossible to break and contains a fidelity component so that neither of you can be unfaithful," Minerva pursed her lips, "Severus didn't explain this to you."

Alexis laughed in spite of herself, "Would you really expect him to?"

Minerva considered for a moment, "Now that you mention it….are you upset?"

"Not at all," Alexis smirked, "It gives me a certain feeling of security knowing that my husband will always be faithful to me. However, I don't have to tell Severus that, at least not immediately.

Minerva nodded in understanding, "Back to the issue of your Apparating and Animagus problems."

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Alexis was worried. It would soon be time for the final task of the Tri-wizard Tournament and the return of Lord Voldemort. This would place Snape once more in the position of spy. Reading through the birth announcement of Melanctha Pandora Malfoy again, Alexis decided she and Snape had to have a talk and soon.

Alexis was sitting up in bed reading as she waited on Snape to finish with his nightly ablutions.

"Spit it out Alexis," Snape ordered from the bedroom door.

"I sent Lucius and Narcissa a gift for Melanctha today," Alexis said thinking that was as good a starting place as any.

"Very clever," Snape said wryly, "Melanctha meaning black flower."

"Yes it was," Alexis agreed, "Seeing as Narcissa was a Black. Speaking of babies, what would you think of our trying for a little girl?'

"I though we were going to wait until the boys are two before we even think about another child," Snape answered.

"Lucius Malfoy is very powerful in many, many ways," Alexis replied carefully, "We would do well to have him believe we are on his side."

Snape settled on the bed beside Alexis, "You want to ally with Lucius?"

"I want to give Lucius reasons to keep you alive and safe no matter what might happen," Alexis had to be careful and talk around the charm Dumbledore had placed on her, "We can betroth one of the boys to Melanctha and if we have a daughter we could betroth her to Draco."

"Why would you want to do that to our children?" Snape asked trying not to get angry.

"Because if Lucius has something to gain he will do everything within his not inconsiderable power to protect you," Alexis replied.

"Betrothing our children to the Malfoys would be signing our death warrants," Snape objected.

"Not if we set it up so that if we die it all goes into a trust fund that they cannot access until they are fifty years old," Alexis replied, "A very small amount would be set aside to pay for their care and schooling. After they have completed their schooling they would be expected to find jobs and support themselves."

"Lucius would never agree to a betrothal with that type of stipulation," Snape replied.

"If we are alive, they would have access to a nice trust fund when they marry or turn twenty-five, whichever comes first," Alexis told him.

"You would sell our children for my safety?" Snape questioned.

"Well, not really," Alexis looked down at her hands, "While I love you enough to sell myself, I wouldn't sell our children's future. There would have to be a morals clause in the betrothal agreement where if any member of the groom's or bride's family is incarcerated in Azkaban, the betrothal will be automatically broken."

"Like that would ever happen," Snape scoffed, "Malfoy would buy himself out of anything that might lead to him having to go to Azkaban."

Alexis froze up unable to respond due to the charm. Snape noticed her unnatural stillness, "You know that he will end up in Azkaban?" Alexis continued to be mute and still.

"What keeps him from killing me while you are pregnant?" Snape asked beginning to see the benefits of Alexis' plan.

"The fact that if anything was to happen to you, I would surely be so upset that it could affect the baby I carry," Alexis was finally free to speak.

"And after the baby is born?"

"The fact that you would leave everything to me and I would change the trust for the children to a small stipend to carry them through their schooling and I would change my will to leave the children with a token amount and give the rest to Hogwarts," Alexis answered flatly, "We would also change it so that you would do the same if anything were to happen to me."

"You have put some serious thought into this," Snape settled down and pulled Alexis into his arms, "I will brew up the sexus fertilitas potion tomorrow so that we will be assured of having a daughter."

"Perhaps we should practice tonight though, just to make sure we have it right," Alexis began kissing Snape's shoulder.

"Practice and attention to details are important in all endeavors," Snape agreed.

AN: MarkDarcy Soar always looks more painful than sore to me for some reason.

JennSmith: My mother taught me to share….although I don't think playwitch was exactly what she had in mind.

Melissa: Mistress of Grammar Errors…thanks as always.

Jonquillejaune: I've read all the books about five times already and I just bought them on tape so I can listen to them in the car when I go visit my family. I try and double check anything to do with the books before I write it so I believe MOST of my errors are grammar and spelling. Obsessed with Harry Potter universe, who me?

StormHerder: Welcome on board. Glad you are enjoying it.


	33. For Better or Worse

AN: I am SO sorry about the delay in posting.

Chapter 33 For Better or Worse

_May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse. (wedding quote)_

Amber looked up as Remus led Alexis and Snape into the sitting room. Snape looked particularly unhappy while Alexis looked grim, "Alexis, Snape, what a pleasant surprise," Amber grinned at the couple.

"Sorry to barge in but Severus has something he wanted to give Pookie," Alexis said with a pointed look at her husband.

Amber grinned widened, "Severus, I really must protest if you are going to poison Pookie, Darla would be devastated. "

"Alexis has insisted that I prepare a hair growth potion," Snape gritted out through clenched teeth.

"I'm sure Darla will appreciate that as soon as she returns from Romania," Remus couldn't keep from smiling at Snape's obvious displeasure.

Snape gave Alexis a look as she told him, "I didn't realize that Darla would not be here. However that doesn't mean that Pookie doesn't need his fur."

Snape growled before stomping over to where Pookie was sitting. Pookie returned the growl. Snape smirked and withdrew his wand and petrified the pooch.

"Severus what are you doing?" Alexis demanded.

"You don't want the mangy mutt to bite me?" Snape asked defensively. Not waiting for a response, Snape pried open Pookie's jaws and forced the potion down his throat. Waiting a moment, he released the spell. Pookie sneezed twice and then walked over to Snape and threw up on his boots, "Why you!..."

Alexis cleaned the mess with a wave of her wand, "Does he need another dose?"

Snape just pointed to where Pookie now resembled a chia pet. Short black bristles were sprouting all over him, "His fur should be back to normal by this evening."

"Pookie," Amber called, "Don't you want to thank Severus?"

Pookie trotted up to Snape and sat down politely and offered his paw. Snape looked around with a grimace at Alexis and Amber's expectant looks. With a long sigh he reached out to take the proffered paw. That was when Pookie took his opportunity and knocked Snape to the floor and proceeded to hump Snape's leg, "Get off me you deranged dog," Snape demanded as he tried to move away from Pookie.

Alexis and Remus looked on in disbelief while Amber began laughing, "Severus I think Pookie likes you."

"Damn ungrateful dog," Snape was still muttering as he and Alexis made their way up the Hogwart's drive, "That is the last time I do anything for that hound."

Amber spied a little bit of red under the sofa, reaching under she pulled out a dog collar Darla must have lost it. Amber snorted as she remembered the large black dog forcing the dignified Potion Master to his knees. It had taken Remus and Alexis to pull the massive mutt off of Snape. Alexis had to take Snape's wand away before Pookie ended up as a fur rug or a eunuch. Snape was furious and had to be dragged out the door. Amber put the dog collar in Darla's room before going to check on Cynthia.

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Alexis looked up at a knock on her office door; Colin Creevey came in with an eager smile and a hand full of photos, "Mrs. Snape, I developed the pictures I took of your friend and her dog and I made extras but I wasn't sure how to get them to her," Colin said in a breathless rush.

Alexis tried not to smile; it was obvious that Colin had a bit of a crush on Darla, "She is staying in Hogsmeade with her sister and brother-in-law; a packaged address to Darla Doff care of Amber Lupin Hogsmeade should reach her with no problem. Would you mind if I saw the pictures?"

Colin immediately handed Alexis the photos. Alexis couldn't stop the snort of laughter at the sight of Darla holding onto Pookie with all her might while he tried to escape the frame. In the next photo Pookie had his back to the camera while Darla was smiling brightly and nudging him with her leg trying to get him to turn around. The final picture was the best; Pookie had totally wrapped his leash around Darla's legs and toppled her over. He was sitting on her back trying to pull off the pink and white striped socks with his teeth, "Do you think I could have copies?"

Colin nodded and Alexis continued, "I have some film I need to get developed. If I paid you for your time and supplies, would you be able to handle it for me?" Colin nodded again, "I would want several prints of all the photos."

"No problem Mrs. Snape," Colin's grin was infectious, "I can have them for you tomorrow," he offered.

Alexis pulled the rolls of film out of her desk drawer and handed them over, "Can you do enlargements too?"

The next day Colin returned with Alexis' photos. She was delighted with the way they had turned out. The one of a bare naked Pookie was priceless. She was going to have to talk with Filius, she was almost positive there was a charm that would cycle different pictures so that she could have regular Pookie, followed by bald Pookie, followed by rag-tag Pookie and finally Pink Pookie before starting all over. Maybe a poster sized one like that would be perfect for a gift to Darla. Alexis was pretty sure that Darla would want to prominently display the pictures of her beloved Pookie.

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Darla returned from her trip to Romania. She had really enjoyed seeing where Charlie worked. There was a small wizarding community near the preserve and they had spent a day exploring it.

She had finished unpacking when she noticed a bit of red leather on the nightstand. Walking over to pick it up, her hand was just a hair breadth away when a sharp bark caused her to start and Darla fell to the bed. Pookie had walked into her room wagging his tail the ball she had tried to teach him to play catch with was on the floor at his feet. Darla just stared at him in delight, "Pookie! You got your hair back!"

Pookie wagged his tail and picked up the ball in his mouth and bounded out the door stopping only to look back a Darla, who eagerly took up the invitation to play.

Sirius was relieved that Darla had not touched the leather collar. Remus had told Sirius about Darla's ability to touch an object and "see" things. Sirius didn't think Remus was ready for Darla or Amber to find out that the family pet was really an escaped prisoner accused of mass murder. He was going to have to find some way to get the collar back before Darla had a chance to touch it.

Pookie looked with distaste at the ball that had rolled into a large muddy puddle in a corner of the back garden. A glance back showed Darla eagerly waiting on him to bring the disgusting missile back for her to throw. Gingerly picking it up he trotted back and dropped it with a soggy plop at her feet.

Pookie could not believe it; Darla had managed to hit the exact same mud puddle again! Resignedly walking back over to the ball he gave it a considering look. If he did this just right….a careful paw on the ball, just the right amount of pressure and success. Darla yelped as the mud coated ball flew through the air and caught her in the chin with a squelchy thud. Pookie trotted back his tail high and wagging sure that this would be the end of the torture. "Pookie," Darla exclaimed, "You are such a smart dog! Not only can you retrieve a ball, you can throw one too!"

Pookie huffed, this was going to be a long afternoon.

Darla threw the ball with a great deal of enthusiasm but not much skill or accuracy. Pookie heaved a sigh as he watched the ball arc and land in the rose bushes. Those things were covered in large, sharp thorns. His fur was thick enough that he had a small measure of protection: however, they did get caught in his coat. There was a large snarl in his tail from retrieving the ball from a blackberry bramble when Darla had overthrown the garden fence. He knew it was going to take the better part of an hour to chew the dang thing out of his hair.

Pookie poked a cautious snoot into the bushes hoping that the ball had fallen within easy reach. He could just make out the red of the ball in the dim shadows under the bush. Another heavy sigh mixed with a bit of a growl and Pookie dropped to his stomach and began to inch his way under the bush. Several painful hair pulls as his fur caught on branches and thorns and an unpleasant encounter with a stink bug later and Pookie was almost within reach of his goal. Just another inch and he would be able to take the nasty, muddy mess into his mouth and begin the slow, painful trek back out of the bushes. He was reaching for it when with an insane giggle a garden gnome gave it a healthy kick and knocked the ball free of the bushes. Pookie sensed movement near his rear and had a sudden premonition that something singularly unpleasant was about to happen.

Even though he had never been particularly adept at divination, this time Pookie was right on the money. The rose bushes were infested with garden gnomes and these gnomes were bent on defending their home ground.

Darla shrieked as Pookie shot almost straight up out of the bushes with several gnomes attached to his rear legs by their tiny little teeth. Pookie managed to free himself from the thorny bushes and was now trying to free himself from the gnomes.

With a war cry worthy of her Norse ancestors, Darla joined the fray, "Hold still Pookie, I'll knock them off," grabbing up a stick and chasing the beleaguered dog she began swatting at the gnomes. She was slightly better at batting than pitching and managed to hit a gnome every third or fourth try.

Finally Pookie was free from the biting buggers. Darla was patting his back comfortingly and he nudged her to continue as that was the least she could do after beating him with a stick. Darla crooned, "You were such a big brave boy fighting all of those nasty gnomes. I am so proud of you Pookie," she gave him a quick hug, "The way you so fearlessly fought them off. You have won the victory and must now claim the spoils of battle….you must get the ball back."

Pookie lifted his head from her lap and stared at her as though to say "who do you think you are kidding?"

Darla gestured over to where the gnomes were playing with the ball. One chubby potato shaped gnome tried to pick up the ball that was about half his size and run off with it, but before he could stagger off under the weight of the ball, three other gnomes converged on him and tackled him. Pookie put his head back down on Darla's lap. As far as he was concerned the gnomes could have the cursed ball.

"Come on Pookie," Darla pleaded, "you can't mean to let them keep our favorite ball?"

Pookie ignored her and began cleaning his leg where a persistent gnome had ripped off a small patch of his newly re-grown fur. Now that specific fellow he wouldn't mind going a few rounds with one on one. He turned to look over at the group of gnomes who were still playing with the ball. Yes, that was the one, right there, the one with black fur stuck in his teeth. Now a little strategy…with a sudden leap Pookie was in the middle of the group of gnomes chasing the one who had ripped out his fur. The gnomes ran giggling madly, but Pookie concentrated on the one who had done the most damage. He was going to get that one and teach him a lesson he wouldn't soon forget.

Pookie had the lumpy beast backed into a corner with no where to run. Now it was time for some revenge, just one quick lunge and a snap and the annoying blighter would see what it was like to be on the receiving end of sharp teeth. Pookie let out a doggy growl of victory and prepared to deliver the coup de grace when, "Pookie! Fetch!" and a blinding pain hit the back of his head knocking him off his feet. The last thing he heard before everything went black was mad giggling as the gnome escaped and "Oh Pookie I am so sorry!"

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Darla had gone to visit her parents. Remus had insisted after seeing the shape Pookie was in. The mud on the ball had dried to a hard crust and Darla had put a tad more force in her throw that she realized turning the toy into a weapon.

Pookie was resting on a cushion in the parlor with an ice pack on his head and Remus was pretending to read the Dailey Prophet. Pookie could hear the soft snores coming from behind the newsprint and had just about decided to join his friend in a nap when a loud scream came from the nursery.

Remus jumped to his feet looked around wildly and quickly ran to the nursery as another scream was heard.

Pookie was hot on his heels.

Entering the nursery with wand drawn Remus found Amber staring down into the crib where Cynthia lay, "What is it?" he asked worriedly scanning the room.

Amber just pointed into the crib.

Remus stepped over and looked not sure what he would see. There lying in the crib was something he had never thought to behold. It was beyond anything he might have even imagined. Remus didn't even notice Pookie coming up and rearing up on his hind legs so that he could see into the crib. Remus reached a shaking finger out to stroke the silky hair running down his daughter's back. At least he thought it was his daughter, looking over at Amber she nodded before he could even ask the question, "Yes that is Cynthia. I was changing her when she suddenly changed."

Remus jerked his hand away at the nip of tiny little teeth and returned his attention to his daughter who was now wagging her tail at him and yipping in an invitation to play, "But how did she turn into a wolf pup? It isn't even close to the full moon."

Remus and Amber were trying to figure out why Cynthia had changed into a wolf pup. Amber's healer training in magical bites gave no indication that the child of a lycanthrope would also become one. And even if it could be passed from parent to child that did not explain the spontaneous change in the middle of the day when the full moon would not be for another two weeks.

Pookie was fascinated by the tiny cub. She seemed equally fascinated by him. It was a sign of Amber's distraction that she had not noticed the large black dog peering into the crib. Pookie noticed an intense expression coming over the baby wolf's face and that she was circling the crib sniffing as if trying to find something. Realizing what was about to happen, Pookie picked her up by the scruff of her neck and took off at a run.

Now that got Amber's attention and Amber's screech got Remus' attention, "Come back with my baby you deranged dog!"

Pookie had a good head start and was half-way down the stairs before Amber and Remus had gotten out of the nursery. Pookie heard Remus shout, "No Amber you might hit Cynthia," as the hairs on his back stood straight up in response to the stunning spell that just sizzled past him.

Darien was just opening the front door when Pookie made it the bottom of the stairs. Amber hollered to her, "Stop him, he's got Cynthia!"

Darien moved to block Pookie and Pookie dodged to the right but Darien was fast and blocked him again. Pookie was on a mission and nothing was going to stand in his way. If he could not go around Darien, he would go under him. Darien never knew what hit him. One minute he was blocking the door the next a black blur dodged between his legs and he was riding the Pookie Express into the garden.

Remus and Amber were hot on their heels. Pookie skidded to a stop in front of the tulips and Darien slid to the ground. Amber and Remus watched as Pookie gently placed the pup on the ground where she squatted and relieved herself.

Pookie flopped over and lay panting, that had been close. Too much more of this excitement and he was going back to his cave to stay. The food was way better here but the cave was much quieter and as his head throbbed, probably safer.

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"An animorphmagus?" Amber repeated in puzzled amazement.

"Yes dear," Madame Pomfrey replied, "they are even rarer than metamorphmagus."

"Exactly what does that mean?" Remus questioned her anxiously.

"It means that Cynthia, with time and training, will be able to change into just about any animal she chooses to change into. Although it is rare for it to manifest in such a young child, with a werewolf father and a wolf Animagus mother, it is not surprising that her first animal is a wolf. The more animals she is exposed to the more forms she will be able to change into. She will also need some instruction and to observe the animals in order to be able to properly mimic their behavior."

"So what do we do now?" Amber looked down at Cynthia who was now back in baby girl form and was happily trying to stick her foot into her mouth.

"Just watch her and you might want to ward her crib and room so that she cannot leave either without one of you being aware of it," at Remus and Amber's puzzled looks, "imagine if she transforms into a baby monkey?"

"Is there any way to control it so that she only changes when we want her to change?" Remus inquired.

"Not that I am aware of without stifling her abilities I'm afraid," Poppy replied with an understanding look, "I'll research it and let you know. Again, it is very rare for an infant to show this ability. An older child can usually be instructed about appropriate times for transforming. An infant is still operating very much on impulse." Poppy squeezed Remus' arm as Amber bent over to pick up Cynthia who happily gurgled at her mother as though quite enjoying all the fuss she had caused.

AN2: Excuses, excuses you hear them everyday….I moved and started a new job and the list of excuses goes on and on and on. The biggest block was of course of the writer's variety. My muse went into a dazed and confused state after we finished reading HBP and he is just now recovering. I know this isn't my best chapter and I haven't had it beta'd. Also, all my HP books are in a box somewhere and I can't seem to find them to double check some things, but I wanted to get back on track with writing. Just got internet access on my computer TODAY (11/26/05). I have been stealing time from my mom's computer and from work to check on stuff. No conducive to posting.


	34. Baby Sitting: Not Just A Job An Adventu

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Chapter 34 Baby Sitting: Not Just A Job But An Adventure

_Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Author Unknown_

Snape smirked as he opened the door to his quarters. There were some definite perks involved in having an assistant. While Darien was marking papers and supervising detention, Snape was going to be enjoying a quiet evening alone with his wife and sons. The blast of noise that greeted him as he entered the sitting room quickly and rudely shoved that pleasant thought out of his head. The sight of their father distracted the twins enough that they lowered the decibel of their crying a notch and made a beeline for his ankles.

Stooping, Snape lifted each boy into his arms where they nestled their tear stained faces against his neck and proceeded to wipe their snotty noses on his robes. Snape grimaced in resigned distaste, now quite used to disgusting baby messes. He had given out a record number of detentions and had almost had Gryffindor in negative house points the day he had unknowingly gone to class with porridge in his hair and down the back of his robes. He had stopped complaining to Alexis when she had pointed out that the baby messes were really no different than all the nasty potion messes he dealt with on a daily basis and to just suck it up and cast a cleaning charm on himself before leaving each morning.

Now that the boys had stopped crying he could hear the sound of Alexis in the nursery. Stepping over to the doorway Snape stared in disbelief, it looked as if a herd of nifflers had gone on a rampage. Alexis was on her hands and knees with her head stuck under the cribs sobbing so that Snape couldn't understand a word of what was gushing from her mouth, "Alexis," he tried to get her attention. When that didn't work he cautiously picked his way through the debris that had once been a pristine nursery, "Alexis?" he tried a little louder.

Alexis jumped bumping her head against the underside of the crib and letting out a muffled oath of "Bloody Hell!"

Nathair took that moment to giggle at his father, "Luddy 'ell."

Snape closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he heard Aleser giggle out a "Luddy 'ell," of his own he counted to twenty. Opening his eyes he found that Alexis had crawled out from under the bed and was rubbing her head distractedly. Her eyes widened in horror at seeing Snape. Snape was used to seeing that expression when people noticed his presence: just not on his wife's face.

"Severus, what are you doing in here? You didn't step on her did you? Oh how could you be so careless? What if you smushed her?" Alexis was practically in tears at this point, "How am I going to tell Amber and Remus that I lost their daughter and then you stepped on her and smushed her?" This last came out as a wail, "Severus lift up your feet and check the bottom of your shoes and see if you stepped on Cynthia," Alexis ordered frantically.

Severus stared down at his wife, "Alexis take a deep breath and calm down," he instructed her firmly, "now tell me exactly what is going on."

"I don't have time for that," Alexis said irritably, "if you did step on Cynthia, we need to scrap her off the bottom of your shoe and take her to Poppy and see if she can fix her. NOW LIFT UP YOUR BLOODY FOOT!" she yelled loudly causing Nathair and Aleser to giggle.

"LUDDY 'ELL!" came at Snape in stereo at the top of the twin's not inconsiderable lungs.

"Just what have you been teaching the boys?" Alexis said aghast that her two sweet babies should be learning such language from their father, "Never mind just show me the bottom of your shoe. If you won't check them I'm going to have to do it for you," Alexis reached for her wand.

Snape eyed his distraught wife and slowly lifted one foot trying to balance on one leg and hold the twins at the same time.

Alexis breathed a huge sigh of relief, "That one is clean. Now lift the other."

Snape started to put his left foot down so he could lift up his right foot and let Alexis check that shoe when a screech of outrage stopped him, "What do you think you are doing?"

"I am trying to lift my foot so you can check my bl…shoe," he hissed out censoring his original sentence.

"Well don't put down your foot!" Alexis demanded unreasonably, "You didn't step on her but what if she has moved and you put your foot down on her now and smush her!"

Snape just glared at his wife, "Then what do you suggest?" he wobbled dangerously as he tried to maintain his balance and hold the now squirming twins.

"You're a wizard do something," Alexis decreed.

"In case it has escaped your notice," he hissed quietly, "I am trying to hold onto our sons. Just how do you expect me to use magic while balancing on one leg holding two squirming boys?"

Alexis thought about it for a long minute while Snape continued to balance on one leg like some great black stork. "Ok, you can put that foot down exactly where you lifted it from and I'll check the bottom of your other shoe. But make sure it is exactly where you had it before," Alexis ordered.

Snape nodded curtly so relieved that he could finally stop this bizarre balancing act that he refrained from making any of the snide comments that had been running through his head while he waited on Alexis to make her decision. He did mentally file them away though; with a little editing he could use them on his students.

Carefully raising his other shoe for her inspection he almost dropped the boys as she screamed in horror, "Bloody Hell you did step on her Severus!"

The twins once again giggled and chorused in a sing song chant, "Luddy 'ell! Luddy 'ell!"

Alexis was maniacally looking around, "What can we use to get her off your shoe? Oh my, what can I scrap her onto? What am I going to do? Severus, Poppy will be able to fix her?" she anxiously questioned her husband and without waiting for an answer, "DON'T PUT YOUR SHOE DOWN! You might hurt her further!"

"Alexis I don't believe I have stepped on Cynthia," he said in what he thought was a reasonable tone of voice.

"Well then mister, you just check out the bottom of your shoe and tell me what that is if it isn't the remains of your goddaughter?" Alexis demanded before bursting into tears.

Snape took a deep breath and maneuvered until he could see the bottom of his shoe. After a careful perusal he gave her a disgusted look and then began to wipe his shoe on the paper she had set out to catch the remains.

"Severus," she screeched, "how can you treat her like that? No! Stop! Let me get her."

"Alexis," he gritted out, "it is dried toad brains and bits of rat spleen. Longbottom dropped a jar of each in class today."

"Are you sure?" she questioned him fiercely.

"Of course I am sure, now will you please calm down and tell me exactly what happened?"

Alexis rubbed her hands tiredly over her eyes, "I was watching Cynthia for Remus and Amber and one minute she was in the crib with Nathair, Aleser and Aniya's babies and the next she was gone," Alexis looked up at Snape, "Amber warned me that with her new powers she might change into a puppy or a wolf cub but there is no way anything as large as a puppy could have hidden from me." Alexis was absently rubbing her wrist where Aniya was once again residing, "I've looked everywhere. Severus, you don't think someone could have sneaked into the nursery and stolen her…do you?" she asked fearfully.

"Alexis, with all the wards and with Aniya's babies in the crib I really don't see that as a possibility," Snape reassured her. He wanted to perform his own search but with his arms full of the twins he wasn't sure he should risk moving around and maybe stepping on whatever Cynthia had decided to change into. "Where have you looked?"

"Everywhere," she wailed casting her hands up in the air, "I even have Star and Slinky helping me look. They are in the bedroom and the bathroom in case she managed to make it out there. I asked Aniya to help but she refused to leave my wrist and the babies just kept hissing 'here, here, here'. They were just no help at all. You don't think she could have changed into a mouse and snuck out? Oh No! What if Mrs. Norris ate her? Severus we have to find her before Mrs. Norris does." Alexis looked as if she were about to burst into tears, "Severus, what type of mother am I that I lost a baby?"

"Alexis you are a good mother," Snape tried to reassure her, "Cynthia is a special case with her being an animorphmagus. You know Darien and I have been working on a potion to try and help Amber and Remus control her changes without interfering with her development. We have even asked Flitwick to see if there isn't some type of charm that might work."

Alexis sniffed a few times and then nodded, "I'm so sorry Severus I just can't seem to get my emotions under control lately."

An idea occurred to him and he leaned down, "Here Alexis, hold the boys," Snape handed her Aleser and Nathair and pulled his wand from his robes, "Accio Cynthia," holding out his hand.

Alexis watched as a wriggling little green asp no bigger than an angel worm zoomed through the air to land in his outstretched hand, "Severus you are a genius," she jumped to her feet the relief evident on her face, "Why didn't I think of that? I don't know what is wrong with me lately," Alexis, "Severus if you wouldn't mind," she nodded at the crib, and then continued after he charmed it to rights, "I can't seem to hold a thought for longer than a minute and yesterday I fell asleep in my office waiting on a student to keep an appointment and every time I try to practice my Animagus form, Aniya stops me," she placed the toddlers back in their crib and reached for the box where she had put the rest of Aniya's offspring. She hissed at them in Parseltongue before releasing them into the crib with the boys.

"Should you really be doing that?" Snape questioned, "I mean Aniya's children are rather young to be guardians. Are you sure they are fully trained?"

"Hmmm? Oh, yes, Aniya and I had a long talk and her children are bound to our children and could no more hurt them than she could hurt either of us. In fact she told me that the magic that binds us makes us immune to their poison. So even if one of her babies accidentally nicks one of ours, it won't hurt either of them," Alexis reassured him.

Turning to survey the damage to the room, Alexis groaned and pulled her wand out and cast a cleaning charm. A couple of toys flopped over and a stray sock flew into the fireplace. "What is wrong with me?" Alexis gritted out through clenched teeth, casting the charm again and again only to have one of the stuffed animals explode spraying fluff across the room and causing two more socks to follow the first one into the hearth sending up a shower of sparks.

She tried casting a different charm and the only thing that happened was the room suddenly became cooler and draftier. She looked over at Snape at his snort, "What?"

Looking down she realized that she had banished her robes. Another flick of her wand and she was clothed but the clothing was too big. "Alexis, if you don't mind?" Snape said and Alexis caught a movement from the corner of her eye. Looking over at Snape she found him holding out his hand, standing there in nothing but his socks.

Reaching into the pocket of the robes she was now wearing she extracted his wand. Giving him a naughty smirk, "What's your hurry? Since they are already off…." Alexis noticed that he looked uncomfortable and there was a faint tinge of color in his normally sallow complexion as he made a grab for his wand, "What?"

"The boys and Cynthia are watching," he muttered nodding at the tiny asp that was now wrapped around one of his fingers as he retrieved his wand and flicked his clothes back on. Another flick had Alexis clothed once more.

Alexis shrugged and started to cast another cleaning charm, Snape grabbed her wand before she could do any more damage.

"Why don't you go pour us some wine and sit down and relax while I finish up in here? You should also tell Slinky and Star they can stop searching for Cynthia," he turned her and with a gentle nudge urged her toward the sitting room.

"Yes, Severus," Snape stared after her in shock, he had never heard her so meek and submissive before unless she had been trying to lull him into a false sense of security, maybe a visit to Poppy was in order.

A moment later Slinky popped in and shooed Snape from the room insisting that cleaning was for a house elf and not the master to do.

As Snape came into the sitting room he found Alexis hissing angrily at Aniya as she tried to pour a glass of wine, "What is it?" he asked.

"Aniya won't let me have a glass of wine," Alexis said angrily before continuing to hiss at the snake coiled around her wrist.

"Is it poisoned?" he asked hurrying over to the bar.

"She says the wine is fine, just that I cannot have any," Alexis replied while glaring at Aniya.

"Alexis, why don't you ask her why you cannot drink the wine?" Snape said reasonably.

Alexis looked up at him and blinked a few times before hissing at Aniya. Snape watched concerned as a shocked looked was quickly replaced by a look of delight, "Really? Are you sure?" she questioned the small asp.

"What is it Alexis?" Snape asked impatiently.

"Your potion was a success," Alexis said as if that explained it all.

"Of course my potion was a success," Snape sniffed, "All my potions are successful. Please be more specific."

"Aniya won't let me drink alcohol because we are going to have a baby," Alexis grinned over at him, "does that clarify which potion?"

"Luddy 'ell," Snape snorted.

AN: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! To everyone who sent the nice reviews! It helped kick my muse back into gear. We have both determined to ignore HBP and continue this story.

Mark Darcy: I may have to start a side story for Pookie, he just lends himself to comedy. I do have a few plans for him in the future (rubs hands together in glee and giggles maniacally) but I will try to keep him to a minimum or give him his own story.

JennSmith, Radingsouls4u, Ima Dark Lady, Rahxe, Snitzer, Melissa: Thank you all, you inspire me. Hope everyone likes this chapter. I already have another one I am working on!

Carsonsheir: Thank you for putting my stories on your C2 list.


	35. Chapter 35

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Chapter 35

_By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant_.

**Phyllis Diller**

Alexis was torn between laughter and horror as she looked first at Nathair's baby book and then at Aleser's: she really should have investigated any gift from Fred and or George Weasley a little more thoroughly. Instead of 'baby's first word' the entry was 'baby's first curse word' and there in bright red ink was 'Luddy 'ell'. Apparently the book was also able to insert photos of momentous events. There was a lovely photo of Nathair puking on Snape and then, one in each book, photos of the boys pasted to Pookie with teething biscuits.

The book also contained entries for 'baby's first spanking', 'baby's first magical moment', and 'baby's first absolutely, truly, disgusting snack'. Alexis had to quickly close Nathair's book as she saw the entry and accompanying picture. She suppressed a shudder and made a mental note to use a permanent sticking charm to seal those pages closed.

Star landed on the arm of her chair and dropped a letter on top of Aleser's book. Giving the dragon lizard an affectionate caress, Alexis opened the letter from Amber and Remus. After the debacle when Cynthia transformed into a guardian asp, everyone had been working on a way to control the tiny shape shifter without stunting her abilities.

"Who is the letter from?" Snape queried as he came in from settling the boys down for their naps.

"Remus and Amber," Alexis replied and then grinned excitedly, "and it looks as if they have found another animorphmagus," Alexis continued to read the note, "Filius' sister's husband's cousin on his father's side has a daughter who's husband's uncle is one." Alexis read that part of the letter again, "Yes, I think I have that right," Snape snorted impatiently, "Anyway, Buck, that's the uncle's name, has agreed to come and meet with Remus and Amber and try to help them with Cynthia. Amber asks that we both be there for the meeting," Alexis glanced over at Snape who nodded curtly, "this Saturday?"

Snape nodded again: he would never admit it but he was curious to meet an adult animorphmagus.

"Oh, I have something for you," Snape said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bottle.

Alexis wrinkled her nose as she instantly recognized the pre-natal potion.

"I have found a way to make it chocolate flavored without any adverse side-effects," Snape stated with a proud smirk more than ready to receive Alexis' gestures of appreciation.

Alexis shrugged, "Thank you Severus."

Snape stared at her nonplussed, "What did you just say?"

Alexis looked up from re-reading the letter, "Thank you."

"Don't you want some now? It tastes just like extra dark double chocolate brownies," he coaxed.

"I'll take some with dinner," Alexis smiled up at him.

Snape stared at Alexis wondering what had happened to his chocolate loving wife.

Alexis glanced back up at him before suddenly yawning, "I think I am going to take a nap. You know Poppy told us that I should be sure and get plenty of rest. Especially since we are having another baby so close to the twins," Alexis settled onto the couch stifling another yawn, Snape handed her a pillow for her head, "thank you," she snuggled into it.

Snape watched for a moment as Alexis drifted off to sleep and then checking the time went to his next class.

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Late that night, Snape reached out half-asleep, to pull Alexis into his arm. He woke up fully when he only found her pillow. Her side of the bed was cool to the touch so she had been gone for a little while. He vaguely remembered feeling her get up from the bed and muttering about going to the bathroom.

Alert and worried, he rose from the bed and pulled on his robe. The bathroom and sitting rooms were empty. Looking into the nursery he saw the boys fast asleep. Star was curled up in a basket on a shelf overlooking the crib. Snape noticed that Slinky had made up a bed under the crib. This wasn't the first time Snape had found Slinky asleep in the nursery. He made a mental note to get Slinky some assistance. With Alexis pregnant and the boys getting older, Slinky would wear himself to a shadow trying to keep up with everything.

Putting the issue of Slinky to the back of his mind, Snape continued his search for Alexis. She was no where in their quarters. Leaving a note for Slinky instructing him to send Star if there was a problem, Snape began to search for his wayward wife.

The portraits in the hallway were rude when he woke them to see if they had seen Alexis. A group of poker playing krups was able to point him in the right direction and with directions from several more paintings and a suit of armor, Snape found himself in front of a large painting of a bowl of fruit. Gritting his teeth at the banality of the act, Snape tickled the pear until it finally turned into a door handle. Stepping into the kitchen he heard the excited squeals of house elves and finally his wife's voice. Creeping up silently for a better view, Snape had to repress a snort at the sight that greeted him.

Alexis was seated at one of the long tables surrounded by food. She was currently tasting something that looked like a baked potato covered in sour cream. Snape fought a gag as he realized that it was whipped cream with candy sprinkles and not sour cream.

Alexis shook her head regretfully, "That's not quite it either," at the elves' crestfallen looks, Alexis offered, "I am so sorry to be so difficult. I just can't exactly explain what it is I am craving."

"Mistress Snape must try again," one of the elves squeaked up to her, "We is wanting to make her happy." All the elves earnestly nodded their agreement.

"I want something salty, but sweet, with a bit of a crunch and a gooey texture that is not too sweet," Alexis said.

The elves formed a huddle before hurrying over to the stove and storage rooms. Snape watched in disbelief as Alexis grabbed a celery stick from one plate and dipped it into strawberry syrup from another and finally rolled the mess in a bowl of what looked to be sunflower seeds and began to nibble on it.

The sound of scurrying feet drew Snape's attention to where the house elves were bringing another offering to Alexis, "Here, Mistress Snape try this," the tallest elf offered, "it is crisps with ice cream."

Alexis looked intrigue and took a crisp and scooped up a glob of ice cream and tried it. A big smile broke out over her face, "This is almost it. Hand me the ketchup and those jalapeno peppers," she ordered. Snape had to close his eyes as she squirted a generous amount of ketchup on the ice cream and then garnished the disgusting mess with several jalapenos. A moan of satisfaction had his eyes popping open as Alexis took another scoop of ketchup covered ice cream on a crisp and swallowed it and then followed it with a pepper chaser.

"Hand me the jar please," Alexis asked and proceeded to pour the juice from the peppers into a goblet and drink it straight. Settling into her seat, "Perfect," she pronounced with a small burp, and the elves erupted into cheers.

The cheers spurred Snape into action, "Alexis," he said sternly. Alexis and the elves jumped guiltily.

"Hello Severus," Alexis said before trying to cram more of her nauseating concoction into her mouth.

"Alexis stop it you will make yourself sick," Snape ordered as he strode up to her.

"Can I finish this serving?" Alexis managed to get out around another spoonful she was shoveling in.

Snape tried to take the bowl away from her, but she slipped under the table and hid.

"Alexis," he gritted out, "stop acting like a child."

"I will in just a minute," Alexis mumbled.

Snape tapped his foot impatiently, "Alexis Snape I want you to come out from under the table this instant."

Alexis scurried out from under the far side of the table red faced and with cheeks full of food.

"Alexis put the food down, it will make you sick," Snape ordered.

"Will not," Alexis said, although it sounded more like, "il ot" because of the amount of food in her mouth.

Snape began to work his way around to the side of the table Alexis was on, but she continued to shove food into her mouth as she moved away from him.

Snape remembered his wand and drew it. Alexis glared at him and with a mighty swallow cleared her mouth, "Don't you even think about it Severus Snape."

"Think about what?" he questioned innocently.

"Using that thing on me," she warned moving closer to the table.

Snape's eyes flitted to the table to see where her wand was. That was the only opening Alexis needed. Picking up a pie from the corner of the table, Alexis heaved it at him.

Snape looked up at her grunt of effort in time to get the pie full in the face. Wiping the meringue and sardines from his face Snape shot her a fulminating glare, "So that is how you want to play it." Alexis started to back up and the elves scattered as Snape picked up a bowl of mashed potatoes and raspberries and threw a large spoonful at her.

Ducking the potatoes and berries, Alexis grabbed for a bowl of candied yams and pretzels and began pelting Snape with handfuls of the mess.

Snape continued to duck Alexis' return fire and fired potatoes and berries until the bowl was empty. He dropped the empty bowl and Alexis took the chance to fling most of a roasted chicken at him from where she was now hiding behind one of the stoves. The chicken hit Snape square in the middle of his chest and one of the wings got caught in the opening of his robe and hung there for a moment before falling to the floor.

Snape summoned a bowl of baked apples with meatballs and kicked over a bench to use as cover. A helpful house elf handed Alexis a bowl of grape fruit halves sprinkled with crushed candy coated peanuts and Alexis was lobbing them at Snape with a slingshot made from a linen napkin.

Snape glared at the elf who with a squeak popped out. Grabbing up a discarded tray and using it as a shield, Snape stood up to fling apples and meat balls at Alexis. Seeing that Alexis was temporarily without ammunition, Snape began to rush her defenses. He tripped over a discarded capon before sliding across the floor on some of the banana pudding that had been used as stuffing for the bird. Alexis had re-armed herself during his distraction and charged her fallen foe with a large bowl of creamed spinach and molasses with chopped walnuts. Straddling his chest and pinning his arms with her knees, Alexis was getting ready to smear his face with the contents of the serving dish she held when a loud voice interrupted her concentration, "Minerva, it looks as if we will have to search elsewhere for our midnight snack. The kitchen appears to be in use tonight."

"In use is hardly the phrase I would have chosen, Albus," Professor McGonagall's disapproving voice came in reply.

Alexis shifted off of Snape and carefully placed the bowl on the floor.

Snape tried to get to his feet but couldn't get any traction on the food slick floor, "Don't bother rising Severus," Albus chuckled, "we'll just see ourselves out." As they turned to go, "I trust you two will see the kitchen to rights?"

"Yes headmaster," the two embarrassed adults chorused.

"Do you remember the food fight we had?" McGonagall whispered to Dumbledore just as the kitchen door swung shut.

"I did not need that visual," Alexis moaned before resting her head on Snape's chest.

Snape only nodded in agreement not trusting himself to speak yet.

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Alexis looked up at the sound of a loud, off-key and obnoxious voice coming toward her down the corridor, "I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers consultin' with the rain. And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' If I only had a brain." Neville Longbottom was hurrying down the hallway, head down and with flushed cheeks.

Alexis hurried over to Neville while the singing continued, "I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, in trouble or in pain. With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain."

"Neville," she stopped the Gryffindor fourth year, "What is going on?"

Neville mumbled something that Alexis couldn't make out as the voice continued, "I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin' my heart all full of pain. I would dance and be merry; life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain."

Alexis looked around trying to find out who was singing. There was no one in sight, "Did someone hex you?"

Neville shook his head and wouldn't meet her eyes. The voice started to repeat the song again and Alexis glared down the hallway, "Show yourself," she demanded.

Just then Draco Malfoy came into view followed by Crabbe and Goyle, they were all laughing and snickering. Before Alexis could scold them for teasing Neville, the voice started a new song, "You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself walk by and all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner, they'd be your partner. You're so vain; you probably think this song is about you. You're so vain."

Draco scowled around the corridor, "Shut it!"

"Draco," Alexis called him, "Can you tell me what is going on?"

Draco glared daggers at the ceiling from where the next verse of the song was coming, "That oaf Hagrid.."

Alexis interrupted, "Professor Hagrid," she said firmly.

Draco fought back a sneer, "Yes, him. His latest creature got away from him."

Now the voice was singing, "And then sneaky snake goes dancin', wigglin' and a-hissin'  
Sneaky snake goes dancin', gigglin' and a-kissin'."

"What is it? And why is it singing Muggle songs?" Alexis was getting a headache from the horrible singing.

"It is supposed to be a Mocking Bird," Draco explained, still scanning for the owner of the aggravating voice.

Harry, Hermione and Ron came hurrying around the corner. "Malfoy," Harry gritted out, "if Hagrid gets in trouble because you let the Mocking Bird out of his cage, I'll…" just then Harry noticed Alexis, "Madame Snape, I didn't see you their."

"Obviously," Draco sneered, "Would you like to finish your threat?" he invited silkily.

"Children behave, that's what they say when we're together. And watch what you say…" came floating down from the rafters.

"Yes Potter," came from behind Alexis as Snape slide into view a smirk slipping across his face, "What exactly were you going to say to Mr. Malfoy?" he finished silkily.

"He's a cold-hearted snake, look into his eyes," was the Mocking Bird's contribution.

"Silence," Snape hissed glaring around the corridor.

Just then a flurry of first years came scurrying down the corridor on their way to lunch, "We represent the lollipop guild the lollipop guild the lollipop guild and we'd like to welcome you to Munchkin land."

The first years only sped up slightly not even glancing around to see who was singing to them. After almost a full year at Hogwarts they were used to strange voices coming from no where.

"It seems to be fond of The Wizard of Ox," Alexis muttered.

"Everybody's a critic," was the croaking response.

"Show yourself," Alexis demanded not noticing that Snape and Draco had both drawn their wands. The sight of his two arch nemesis armed spurred Harry to draw his wand with Hermione and Ron quickly following his example.

"Treat me like a fool, treat me mean and cruel," rasped the Mocking Bird.

"There he is," shouted Ron.

There was a loud bang and a bright flash of light. Alexis found herself shielded under Snape's cloak. She peeked out to see Crabbe and Goyle sitting stunned on the floor. Crabbe's mouth was gone and Goyle's school robes had vanished leaving him standing in Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle boxer's.

"I didn't know they made them that big," Ron whispered.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley and Miss. Granger," Snape sneered, "Detention for practicing magic in the hallways."

A chorus of objections erupted from the trio all of which Snape ignored, "Mr. Malfoy, take Crabbe to the infirmary," he paused as Alexis wiggled out and took off her outer robe before handing it to Goyle.

"Miss. Granger would you be so kind as to enlarge my robe and although I am sure Gregory would look lovely in periwinkle blue, perhaps black would be a more appropriate color."

"Yes Madame Snape," Hermione was torn between glee at being asked to perform for a teacher and dismay that she was being asked to do something to help Goyle.

As Hermione perfectly performed the necessary charms, Alexis smiled, "Ten points to Gryffindor," stepping back slightly into Snape as she heard him start to object.

Snape snarled as he said, "Follow me so that we can arrange your detention."

As they headed off to the dungeons the Mocking Bird could be heard to sing, "No body knows the troubles I've seen, no body knows my sorrows…."

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"So has Hagrid captured the mocking bird?" Alexis asked when she saw Snape at dinner.

"Not that I am aware of," Snape sneered, "the headmaster has requested a meeting with us after dinner," Snape continued. "And he asked that we bring the boys with us."

"Did he say why?" Alexis asked.

"We were interrupted before he could say anything else," Snape huffed, "Not that I really think he was going to explain why," he finished snidely.

Alexis nodded, "I don't understand it though, a mocking bird seems rather tame for one of Hagrid's classes."

"From the information I have been able to gather, Hagrid obtained the bird from a friend who had found it in a Muggle pet store. He was trying to find a new home for the pest when it somehow escaped."

Alexis gave him a questioning look.

Snape ignored her.

"Somehow escaped," Alexis snorted.

Snape continued to ignore her.

"Yeah right," Alexis chortled as she finished her dinner.

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"Alexis do you really think it is necessary to bring all of this to a simple meeting with the headmaster?" Snape groused as he stared in disbelief at the diaper bags, playpen and a collection of toys to keep the toddlers occupied.

"Yes," she replied firmly as she grabbed the bags and gestured for him to pick up the playpen and carrier of toys.

A few minutes later the door to their quarters opened, "Not a word Severus," Alexis' voice had a decidedly irate tone, "Not one single word," she ordered as she went into the nursery and returned carrying Aleser and Nathair.

Snape just smirked at her, watching silently as she juggled the boys and the bags before taking out his wand and levitating the bags to follow behind her, "Thank you," she replied stiffly, still not looking directly at him.

"If you are ready?" he replied silkily.

They were in the seventh floor corridor leading to the headmaster's office and Alexis still hadn't met Snape's gaze.

Snape couldn't resist any longer, "Alexis," he started.

"Severus, I don't want to hear about it," she stated firmly.

"It's just," he paused for effect, "it is such a cliché."

"What?" Alexis demanded.

"I mean, the overworked, expectant mother forgetting her children," Snape shrugged, "it really is a cliché. I mean it has been done to death."

Alexis stared up at him unable to think of a response.

"I really expected something, I don't know, with more panache or style," Snape continued.

"Like what exactly," Alexis said dangerously.

"Maybe you in your Animagus form eating the twins and me having to rescue them," Snape replied studiously not looking at her.

Alexis spluttered incoherently at that remark.

"Or, especially with the way your magic has been acting lately, you accidentally transfiguring them into bunnies or something."

Alexis opened her mouth to reply when before she could form the first word Snape continued, "and then you eating the bunnies while in your Animagus form."

This time he risked a look at Alexis, "Alexis, is something wrong, you seem rather flushed."

Before she could reply Snape again interrupted, "We had better hurry or we will be late for our meeting with Professor Dumbledore," he levitated his burdens and with a solicitous hand under her elbow, he hurried her along.

Faintly Alexis could hear a raucous voice singing, "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."

Alexis was still shooting Snape aggravated glares when they reached the headmaster's office. The door had been left open for them and it was only the work of a moment for Alexis and Snape to be seated in front of the desk and Aleser and Nathair to be seated on Albus' knees.

"Albus I really don't," Alexis tried to stop the headmaster but it was too late, both boys' faces were now screwed up at the sour taste of the lemon drops Dumbledore had eagerly given them.

Alexis settled back into her chair trying not to giggle at the faces the boys were making. They would scrunch up their faces and shudder and then continue to gnaw the lemony candy. Since they only had about seven teeth between the two of them, it was hard going.

"Thank you both for coming tonight," Dumbledore started, "tea? Lemon drop?" he offered.

When both were refused, Dumbledore continued, "Ever since Severus told me you were expecting another child, I have been trying to determine the best course of action to assist you both. Of course your quarters will have to be enlarged, but I was also thinking about more help for you with the children," looking at Alexis, "I was hoping to be able to continue to rely upon you to act as an informal counselor and intermediary for the students?" at her nod of agreement and in response to Snape's scowl, "It would be on a very part-time basis and I understand that you would have to have maternity leave. By the way, when is the baby due?"

"Sometime in December," Alexis and Snape responded at the same time.

"Ahhh, perhaps the winter holidays," Dumbledore smiled genially, "that way Severus would be able to have some time with the new baby."

Alexis responded dryly, "I'll do my best to cooperate headmaster."

"Ahh my dear, I realize that babies come when babies come," he chuckled.

"Now I have taken the liberty of consulting with Slinky and he has recommended one of the house elves. I would like you to meet her and see if you believe she will fit into your family circle," Dumbledore continued to smile happily.

Snape was torn between aggravation that once again Dumbledore was interfering in his life and gratitude that he would not have to try to find someone to help Alexis and Slinky, "We would be happy to consider this elf," with a glance at Alexis to confirm, "especially if Slinky is recommending her."

"Yes, yes, I know that she has a great deal of experience with young children. I inherited her when her last family was no longer in need of her services," Dumbledore finished delicately. "Why don't I call her and you can interview her?"

Alexis and Snape nodded their agreement and Dumbledore called into the hearth, "Popkins."

A loud pop heralded the arrival of a slender and taller than average house elf. She had a bib apron on instead of the usual tea towel.

"Headmaster I is here," she said in a high pitched voice.

"Very good Popkins," he smiled at her, "I would like you to meet Professor Snape and his wife Madame Snape. These are their sons and they are expecting a little girl in about six months."

The diminutive creature turned and bobbed a curtsey.

Alexis looked at Snape who just smirked and nodded to her to conduct the interview.

"So, Popkins," Alexis started, "What experience do you have with children?"

Dumbledore interrupted, "I can attest for the vast experience that she brings to the table."

Alexis gave him a puzzled look before turning back to the elf, "So tell me a little about yourself Popkins."

"I is having a cheery disposition and I is playing games, all sorts. I is kind and witty and very sweet. I's like to take babies on outings, give'em treats, sing songs and bring sweets. I's never being cross or cruel. I's not believing in castor oil or gruel. I love the master and mistress' babies as sons and daughter, and I never, never smell of barley water."

Alexis stared at Popkins, she knew that speech from somewhere but could not remember from where.

Snape was smirking, "Do you wish to accept this position?"

"Oh yes master professor Snape sir, I is loving to take care of children," was the earnest answer.

He cast a sidelong look of question at Alexis who nodded once thinking that they could try her out for a while and see how she fit. "Very well then Popkins, we would like you to start as soon as the headmaster can release you from your current duties," Snape continued.

Clapping her hands Popkins smiled brightly, "Thank you Master Professor Snape," she paused, "But if the master and mistress do not mind, I is going by another name. A name the children gives me," she said hesitantly.

"Use whatever name you wish," Snape said indifferently.

"The children is calling me Merry," she said happily, "because I is so happy."

Alexis started as she remembered where she had heard the speech from, "You mean your name is Merry Popkins?" she gasped out.

Dumbledore allowed Snape to Floo from his office directly to their quarters. Alexis had not stopped giggling but she refused to go see Madame Pomfrey.

Snape gave the twins to Slinky and led his wife to bed. She was singing something under her breath that sounded like "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-oo! Good luck will rub off when I shake 'ands with you. Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too."

Snape kissed her and settled her under the covers and as she drifted off to sleep he heard her mutter, "I should have known we would end up with a nanny named Merry Popkins."

AN Song lyrics in order of appearance:

Wizard of Oz

Carly Simon "You're so Vain"

Tom T Hall "Sneaky Snake"

Tiffany "I Think We're Alone Now"

Paula Abdul "Cold-hearted Snake"

Wizard of Oz

Elvis Presley "Love Me"

Louis Armstrong "No Body Knows The Troubles I've Seen"

Wizard of Oz

Mary Poppins

AN2: Thanks for the inspiration MarkDarcy!


	36. Mistakes Are Part of Being Human

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Chapter 36 **Mistakes Are Part of Being Human**

_Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from._

_Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002_

Alexis stared in disbelief at the giant rabbit with the truly remarkable set of horns that was sitting on Remus and Amber's hearth rug. "I…," she stuttered to a halt just shaking her head.

The jackalope was replaced by a large rotund man in his mid-seventies.

"That is one of my more difficult changes," Uncle Buck explained with a jovial smile, "I had the devil of a time getting close enough to one in order to observe it and absorb what I needed in order to master the change. And then those blasted hunters trying to shoot me," with unmistakable pride, "of course I totally understood their desire to bag a ten point rabbit, so I only mildly hexed them, which led to some issues with the American authorities. They are really rather straitlaced regarding hexing Muggles. The fines they wanted me to pay were outrageous and then what that one chap suggested, well, let's just say I really do not believe it to be physically possible, not even with magical assistance. But, I digress," he tickled Cynthia under her chin, "Now this little angel seems to be very powerful. I wasn't able to master a complete change until I was three years old myself, much less change into a magical creature."

Uncle Buck had been demonstrating for the last thirty minutes some of the more interesting creatures he could transform into. "Now here is one of my absolute favorites," he chortled, "see if you can guess what it is."

The next moment a reptilian looking creature about the size of a small pony was burbling on the much abused hearthrug. It had eyes aflame and rather large claws that looked designed to catch prey. The beast flashed a most impressive set of canines and snapped his jaws as though ready to bite anyone foolish enough to approach it. With a whiffling noise the monster was gone and Uncle Buck's benign countenance was revealed, "So anyone, can anyone guess what that was?"

Snape sniffed, "A Jabberwocky of course."

Uncle Buck looked crestfallen for a moment but recovered quickly, "Of course it was my boy. Excellent!"

Snape looked nonplused for a moment at being referred to as boy before asking with feigned casualness, "When your scales molt, do you collect them?"

Uncle Buck shot him a knowing look, "I do my fine young man, indeed I do. Perhaps you and I could discuss this at another time? I believe Remus mentioned you are a Potions Master?"

Snape nodded slowly. This might turn out to be a very fortuitous meeting after all. Knowing someone who could morph into a variety of rare and magical beasts would allow him access to a much wider variety of some of the rarer potion ingredients, "Can one animorphmagus learn different animals and creatures from another animorphmagus or would you have to learn directly from a natural creature?"

Uncle Buck grinned at Severus, "Why I learned how to change into a dragon from the only other animorphmagus I've ever met, besides this here angel."

"And it is exactly as if you were the animal you have transformed into," Snape continued to question.

"Yes sir," Uncle Buck winked at him slyly knowing exactly where Snape was headed with his questions.

Snape eyed his young goddaughter with a slight hint of avarice. If she could be trained…..his thoughts trailed off as he felt a faint scorching sensation on his skin. Looking up he realized that Remus and Amber were glaring at him while Alexis was trying not to laugh.

"Severus Snape if you think for one moment you are going to use our daughter as a never ending supply of potion ingredients," Amber snarled in protective mother mode, "you can stop it right this minute."

Snape looked affronted, "My dear Amber that is the last thing on my mind. There is no way I would possibly consider Cynthia as a never ending supply," at Amber suspicious glare, "just a possible supply is all." Snape was surprised when Amber did not appear in the least mollified by this last remark.

Remus knowing full well that Snape would never hurt Cynthia continued to question Uncle Buck, as everyone had been invited to call him, "Sir, do you have any ideas about how we can control Cynthia's transformations without stunting her abilities?"

"That is a pickle of a predicament," Uncle Buck nodded seriously, "With the power she has and her apparent natural abilities, it is going to be very difficult," the elder wizard steepled his fingers and leaning his head back stared contemplatively at the ceiling.

The other adults in the room waited expectantly. When twenty minutes had passed without any further comment, Alexis shot a look at Snape. Snape totally missed the look because he was still making a mental list of all the potions ingredients he would be able to obtain once he had persuaded Uncle Buck to train Cynthia in transforming into a myriad of magical monsters.

Amber caught Alexis' look and raised an eyebrow in question. Alexis nodded toward the wizard who appeared to be deep in thought, pondering all the possible solutions to Cynthia's dilemma. Remus intercepted the look and leaned over to whisper, "Do you think he can help us?"

"Filius appeared to think so," Alexis reassured him.

The two couples continued to wait for Uncle Buck to deliver his verdict. Severus snorted irritated and Amber and Alexis gave him a stern look. Alexis leaned over and whispered, "Don't disturb him."

Just then a loud snorting snore interrupted and Snape replied sardonically, "I don't think a herd of rampaging hippogriffs could disturb him."

At that point a particularly loud snort and snuffle caused the to corpulent wizard to start up blinking myopically at the group, "Where was I?" he yawned.

"You were going to tell us how to assist Cynthia in controlling her abilities without stunting them," Snape said politely.

Remus fell out of his chair with a loud thump, "Severus, are you well?"

Snape sneered at him disdainfully before returning his attention to the man who was going to train his amazing animorphmagus goddaughter so that she could reach her full potential and provide a plethora of potion ingredients.

"Oh yes, yes indeed," he grinned at them, "Haven't the foggiest notion how to do that," he replied amiably.

"WHAT!" came at him from four different directions.

"Nope, haven't got a clue. Never really been asked that question before now," he grinned genially.

Alexis pushed back the sleeve of her robe where Aniya was twisting around her wrist. Hissing in Parseltongue to Aniya, Alexis wanted to know what the problem was. Ignoring both the questioning looks and Uncle Buck's look of surprise she continued her conversation, "Ughh!" she wiped at her face with a handkerchief, "I wish Parseltongue didn't involve so much hissing. She said she will not do it but she will allow one of her babies to be bonded to Cynthia."

"And that will work?" Amber asked barely daring to hope.

A few more moments conversation with Aniya and then Alexis continued with her explanation, "Part of their magic is the ability to dampen our magic if using it will harm us. You will have to set up some guidelines, Aniya will tell Cynthia's new guardian and that should be that. She wondered why we didn't ask her about it before but was too polite to say anything that might come across as criticism," Alexis' shrugged.

"A polite snake?" Remus questioned.

Snape smirked, "All snakes are polite, the more deadly, the more polite. Guardian Asps are among the most poisonous snakes known to Wizards and as such are the epitome of etiquette and courtesy."

"It is that simple?" Amber stuttered in disbelief.

Uncle Buck was staring at Aniya with a look of longing in his eyes, "Do you think I could hold her for a moment or two? I've never had the opportunity to study one so that I can make the transformation."

Alexis couldn't resist, "Severus, do you have the antidote?"

"I believe I do have some here somewhere," Severus replied, "although I cannot exactly recall when I distilled it so it may have expired."

"Antidote?" Uncle Buck questioned.

"For Aniya's bite," Alexis responded helpfully.

"Antidote?" he asked again.

"Yes, just in case she were to nip you," Alexis smiled sweetly at him.

"Antidote?" Uncle Buck quavered as Alexis held out the small asp to him.

"Don't worry, I can almost guarantee that she will not bite you," Alexis chirped.

Everyone had finally left and Amber looked into the crib at her sleeping daughter and the newest edition to the family: Zareb, the guardian asp. Zareb was coiled around Cynthia's wrist and to the casual eye would look like nothing more than baby bracelet.

Amber was cautiously hopeful. They had set out the guidelines and Aniya had assured Alexis who had passed it on that Zareb would not allow Cynthia to transform except when given permission to by either Amber or Remus.

For the first time since Cynthia had displayed her unique magical talent, Amber felt as if she might be able to get a full night's sleep: but, first things first, her husband was waiting in the bedroom.

Amber quickly showered and slipped into a sexy nighty. Strolling into the bedroom she spied Remus sitting up reading in bed. With a running start she leaped on her surprised husband who barely had time to put his book down.

Kissing him passionately she snuggled up next to him, "You sir are about to get really lucky," she trailed kisses down his neck.

Remus cleared his throat, "Amber," he tried again as he caught her hands before they could unbutton his pajama top, "Amber, slow down for a minute."

Amber pulled back and stared at him in amazement, "What did you just say?" before he could answer she grinned, "It was a joke right? Very funny, now where was I? Oh yes," Amber began to slip the spaghetti straps of her gown off of her shoulders.

Remus pulled them back up.

Amber pushed them back down.

Remus pulled them up and held on to them, "Amber, we have an audience," he whispered and nodded over to the corner of the room.

Amber turned to look expecting who knew what only to see Pookie lying on the rug, "What? It is just the dog and his back is to us?"

"But what if he turns around?" Remus continued to whisper.

"Who cares? He is just a dog. And why are you whispering?"

"I don't want him to hear us."

Amber stared at her husband and realized he was serious; "I promise to be quiet, now come here," Amber pulled him into a heated embrace.

At first Remus kept one eye on Pookie but it had been a very long time since he and Amber had been alone and she was doing that thing with her tongue that he just loved. Remus' eyes drifted closed and he began to enjoy the attention.

He was really getting into it when Amber pulled back. He tried to follow her but her hand on his chest stopped him, "What is it?"

Amber whispered, "He really is watching us."

"Who?" Remus tried to kiss her.

Amber pulled back some more and nodded to the edge of the bed.

Remus twisted to look and there was Pookie with his head laying on the edge of the bed watching the show: all he needed was a box of popcorn and a cold drink. Remus grabbed the sheet and pulled it over Amber before jumping out of the bed.

"Out!" he shouted and opened the door.

Pookie, with a doggy grin on his face trotted out into the hallway. Remus shuddered as he locked the door behind him.

Amber was sitting up in the bed hugging her knees, "There is something very strange about that dog."

Remus regarded her nervously, "What do you mean?"

"He is the only dog I have ever known to get mail," she turned back to Remus as he got back into the bed.

"Mail?"

"Yes a couple of large barn owls delivered him a package the other day," Amber explained before Remus distracted her, "It had a whole ham in it, bread and some chicken legs."

"Maybe he got on the meal of the month mailing list by mistake," Remus offered before they both lost all interest in everything for a long time.

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The Triwizard Tournament was over.

Alexis was awake waiting on Snape to return from answering Voldemort's call. Everything was quiet. The babies were asleep. Her hand was resting lightly on her slightly rounded belly where her daughter slept. And still she waited. Being married to a Slytherian, and thus an honorary Slytherian, she plotted and planned how to help Severus and maybe in the process rid the world of a mad man.

AN: Abrupt ending but it just seems to be dragging on. I do have some ideas for OotP but for now this story is on hiatus.

Sorry guys!


	37. Friends and Enemies

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: I tried but I just couldn't stay away. Thanks to everyone who helped!

Chapter 37 Friends and Enemies

"_**Money can't you friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy."**_

_**Spike Milligan**_

Snape glared at Alexis, "Let me up," he ordered.

"No," she replied firmly.

"I am leaving this hospital with or without your assistance," he stated ferociously.

"You are not going anywhere until Poppy gives you the all clear," Alexis said with forced patience.

Snape looked around the small room where he was recuperating after answering the Dark Lord's call two nights past. The encounter had drained him and left him weak. Something he really hated. Ignoring his wife and fully intending to make good on his prior statement, Snape pushed back the bed covers and got to his feet slowly. He swayed slightly and shivered in the cool air, "Why is it so bloody cold in here?" he groused.

"Because you are not wearing any clothes," Alexis reminded him.

Snape growled, "And just where are my clothes?"

"Poppy has them and she will return them to you as soon as she deems you well enough to come home," Alexis replied smugly.

"So you refuse to obey your lawful husband and bring me some clothes?" Snape sneered.

Alexis stiffened at that question before narrowing her eyes and nodding emphatically.

Snape pulled the sheet from the narrow cot and wrapped it around himself like a toga. While the sheet covered the most important parts it did leave a lot of skin uncovered. One shoulder was completely bare and the end of the sheet stopped at the top of his knees. Taking a deep breath he headed for the door.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Alexis called in a sing-song voice.

"You," he stated firmly, "are not me," and with his dignity only marginally dented, he opened the door leading into the main room of the infirmary. Alexis grinned evilly as she heard several gasps and what sounded like the thud of a body falling to the floor.

"No Miss. Weasley I do not require the loan of your pink fuzzy bunny slippers," Snape ground out through clenched teeth, "Five points ..."

Snape was interrupted as Albus Dumbledore breezed into the infirmary, "Professor Snape, I am pleased to see you up and about after your bout with the flu bug," Albus smiled genially, "So sorry to interrupt though, Miss. Weasley that was very thoughtful of you to offer your slippers, five points to Gryffindor: however, I do not believe we need to deprive you of them, instead," with a wave of his wand Dumbledore conjured a pair of fuzzy pink bunny slippers that obediently hopped over to Snape so that he could put them on, "There you go Severus," looking at the students sitting with Harry, "If you will excuse us for a moment," Dumbledore waved Snape back into his private room, "and Mr. Weasley you really should not be lounging around on the hospital floor. Not when there are plenty of chairs for you to use."

Snape glared down at the insistent slippers and reluctantly slid his feet into them before following Albus and slamming the door shut. He turned and glared at Alexis accusingly.

"I tried to warn you Severus," Alexis replied not one whit phased by the glare.

Getting up she hurried over to slip an arm around Snape to help him back to the bed. Knowing that he was not going to respond, she said "Severus, now you have to admit I told you not to open the door."

Snape gritted his teeth and allowed her to help him back into the cot.

Albus conjured another chair and settled himself into it, "Severus I am indeed pleased to see you almost recovered," Dumbledore chanced a look at Alexis to find that she was still glaring at him. She hadn't spoken to him since the night of Cedric Diggory's death. Although he had to admit, if only privately, that the silence was preferable to her verbal lashing she had given him. He muffled a sigh in his beard as he remembered the abrupt stops and starts of her harangue as his charm flicked on and off. He had reminded her that the charm would wear off at the end of next term but that had only garnered him a look so furious and yet at the same time glacial that he wondered if Snape had been giving her lessons on glaring.

"Just a few things," Dumbledore said as he watched Alexis help Snape back onto the cot, "Severus, you and Sirius MUST learn to work together."

Snape gave him a death glare as Alexis arranged the covers over him.

"I realize that there is a history between you two but if we are to defeat Voldemort we must not allow such enmity to exist between two of our members," Snape nodded once sharply as though in agreement, "To that effect, you, Alexis and Remus and Amber will be having dinner with Sirius next Saturday evening at his house," before it could fully register, Dumbledore rose and left the room.

Poppy came in just as Snape was recovering his power of speech after Dumbldore's sneak attack, "Severus Snape, I would have thought you had better sense than to traipse around a school dressed in nothing but a sheet. In front of impressionable young girls too," she fussed before holding out a spoon filled to the brim with a thick, dark purple liquid, "Drink this."

Snape clamped his mouth shut and glared at her.

"Severus you will drink this strengthening potion," Poppy informed him sternly, "or prancing around in a short sheet in front of Harry Potter and company will be the least of your worries."

"I was **not** prancing around in front of…"Snape protested.

Poppy took advantage and stuck the spoon into his just opened mouth, "And don't even think about spitting it back out."

Snape crossed his arms over his chest and forced the vial concoction down.

"That's a good boy," Poppy smiled at him.

"When can I return to my chambers?" Snape snarled.

"Why, who is keeping you here?" Poppy asked.

Snape turned to glare at his wife, "She said I had to stay here until you had given me the all clear."

"I gave you the all clear yesterday," Poppy replied serenely as Snape's glare intensified, "I was wondering why you were still here."

Now Alexis turned to look at Poppy, "So where are Severus' clothes?"

"Right there," Poppy pointed to the bedside table.

Alexis looked over, "I don't see them."

Poppy walked over and opened the drawer to remove a set of black robes, pants, shirt, shoes and socks from the tiny top drawer, "The drawer is bigger on the inside that it looks," she explained brightly.

Snape was taking turns glaring at each witch, "If you don't mind," he scowled.

Poppy turned to leave, "Oh and Severus you may want to use the other exit when you leave. Mr. Potter hasn't been released yet." With that last parting shot Poppy waved her wand at the far wall and revealed another door.

"Severus," Alexis began, "I don't recall her releasing you."

Snape continued to dress and did not respond.

"Darling I promise I did not know she had placed your clothes in that drawer," she tried again.

Snape finished tying his shoes and headed to the newly revealed doorway with Alexis following behind him anxiously.

Alexis was still apologizing when they reached their rooms. When the door had closed behind them he turned to her, "Enough. I want a hot shower and something to eat."

Alexis nodded, "You take care of the shower and I will take care of the food."

Alexis quickly called Slinky and ordered a simple lunch before making her way into the bathroom to check on Snape. Opening the door released a billowing cloud of steam. Cautiously venturing into the foggy room, "You weren't kidding about the hot shower were you?"

A disembodied voice replied, "I do not kid."

Alexis ignored him, "Slinky will have lunch set up when you get finished."

A noncommittal grunt came from the direction of the shower.

"So what happens now?" Alexis asked.

The water shut off and the shower curtain was pushed back. Alexis handed him a large bath sheet while she waited for his reply.

"Now, we discuss how I played unwitting host to that flea bitten waste of magic Sirius Black," Snape said in a conversational tone that was ten times scarier to Alexis than his death glare.

Alexis gulped nervously, "You mean the time that you made all his hair fall out and left him bald and then I dressed him in those humiliating clothes and then Darla came and transfigured everything pink and paraded him through downtown Hogsmead?" she said in a rush.

"Yes, that time among others," Snape reached for his bathrobe and slipped it on as he stepped out of the shower causing Alexis to take a step back.

"Did I ever tell you that I have pictures of him all dressed up and bald?" she offered hopefully.

Snape never paused in his slow advance on her, "I don't believe you did."

Alexis nodded rapidly, "Lots of really, really, extremely, black mail material embarrassing photos," Alexis abruptly stopped her spiel as the bathroom door halted her retreat.

Snape casually reached over her head and Alexis' eyes widened. Pulling another towel from the rack, Snape turned and began toweling his hair dry.

Alexis closed her eyes and let out a short lived sigh of relief. Snape had returned his attention to her, "First, never keep something like that from me again," he waited until Alexis nodded. "He showed up before Dumbledore placed the circumspection charm on you so you should have told me from the beginning." Alexis nodded again although she wasn't one hundred percent sure she agreed with that given the way Snape felt about Black.

"Second," he continued "I want copies of all the photos," he smirked and dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose. "Now, where is that food," he nudged her away from the door and headed into the living room.

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Darla was heart broken. How could this be possible? She just could not believe that her beloved pet was actually an Animagus. If she hadn't seen him change right in front of her eyes, she never would have accepted it. But there it was her precious Pookie was actually the escaped prisoner Sirius Black. Darla burst into heart wrenching sobs. She was crying from the loss of her pet, the feeling of betrayal and because it was all really too much to take in.

Darien followed the sounds of wretched misery. Looking into the bedroom he saw Darla sprawled across the bed crying as though her world was shattered, "Hey Dar what's up?"

Darla sobbed, "Poooookkkkiiiee goonnnne….."

"Pookie ran away?" Darien settled on the bed next to his sister, "can't say that I blame him after the way you dressed him up in all that frilly froufrou stuff. Want a bite?" he offered her a piece of chocolate from the large bar he was chomping on.

"Noooo," she wailed.

"Well if you don't want a bite all you have to do is say so," Darien huffed, "no reason to act as if you've lost your best friend," an uncomfortable pause occurred as Darien realized that if Pookie was gone that she had indeed lost her best friend. He stuffed a large bite of chocolate into his mouth.

"Nooo," Darla hiccupped, "Pookie didn't run away," she managed to get out.

"Well then what?" Darien asked impatiently around his mouthful of chocolate.

Only years of being an older sister allowed Darla to interpret the chocolate coated question, "Pookie isn't a dog," she sniffed into a tissue.

"What then? A bear? He is certainly big enough to be a bear..or a short shaggy pony," Darien laughed.

Darla hit him with a pillow, "No you git," she sniffled, "he is really an Animagus."

Darien thought about it for a moment as sister leaned her head on his shoulder looking for some comfort. Finally he figured out what to say, "Look Dar it could be worse," Darla looked up at him hopefully, "at least he is just an Animagus. He doesn't ride a motorcycle. You know how mom would freak out about that. And you, know it's not like he's a mass murderer or something," Darien chuckled at that.

Darla gave him a look of complete horror and then threw herself back onto the bed and broke into fresh wails of anguish.

"What'd I say?" Darien asked totally confused.

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"I am not going," Severus glared at Alexis.

"Yes Severus you are going," Alexis stated firmly. The castle was quiet as all the students had returned home just last week.

"And just what would make you believe that I would have any interest or intent in attending this _function_?" he asked sarcastically.

"Because we all need to cooperate in order to make this work," Alexis explained as she settled back on the sofa. This pregnancy was going much easier than her first but she still tired easily, and an hour of arguing with Snape was enough to tire out anyone.

"Why is it being held at his house? Why can't we simply meet at Amber and Lupin's house?"

Alexis grabbed her fraying patience firmly in both hands, "Because he can't leave his house because with the rat back with the master everyone will know about Pookie," Alexis deliberately used Sirius' more embarrassing name in an effort to defuse Snape. It failed spectacularly.

"Pookie," he hissed venomously, "That mangy mutt relieved himself on me, vomited on me…"

Alexis interrupted before Snape could continue his litany of abuse, "Yes dear and you removed all of his fur, helped me dress him up, petrified him," quirking an eyebrow at him, "shall I go on?"

Snape smirked, "Please do," he invited.

Alexis gave him an easily interpreted look, "I believe if Amber can handle Black's deception with grace and dignity you should at least be able to tolerate one evening."

"Fine I will attend, however," Snape held up one hand to forestall any comments, "I will **not** enjoy myself."

Alexis sighed, "If that is what will make you happy darling."

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"I am not going and don't think you can sweet talk your way around this Remus Lupin," Amber stated with crossed arms and furrowed brow.

"Now Amber," Remus began only to be interrupted by the fuming witch.

"Don't you dare 'now Amber' me," she replied shaking a finger at him, "that mangy mutt lived with us, ate our food and the whole time you knew that it was really Sirius Black. Don't try to deny it," Amber's finger was shaking faster, "OH MY….I can't remember…did I ever get naked in front of him…I think I did…but I can't remember…and Darla…did she dress and undress in front of that pervert?" Amber got up and began to pace as she tried to remember. "And he was watching us make love that night," Amber turned to Remus, "That voyeuristic pervert was watching us."

"Amber he left before we got started," Remus said soothingly.

"Yes he did…AFTER YOU KICKED HIM OUT!"

"We have been over all of this Amber," Remus said soothingly, "Sirius promises that he never watched nor even accidentally saw you are Darla in any type of compromising state."

Amber narrowed her eyes at him, "And you believe him?"

"I do," was the empathic response.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because he knows I would hex his balls off if I even thought for a moment that he had peeked at either you or Darla."

"Promise?"

"I swear to you," Remus said holding out a hand to her.

Amber allowed him to pull her onto the couch next to him, "I still don't understand why the five of us need to get together for dinner."

"Because we need to be able to work together in some semblance of mutual tolerance," Remus explained, "Dumbledore feels that it would be better if the five of us work out our differences privately instead of meeting for the first time as a group at one of The Order meetings."

"And Severus and Alexis have agreed to this?" Amber queried.

"Yes they have," Remus replied, "and really Amber I have explained about Severus and Sirius' history and if Severus can handle this with dignity I really think you should be able to show a tad more acceptance. After all Sirius tried to kill Severus while we were at school."

"I'll go," she finally allowed, "But I will be miserable the whole time."

"Yes, dear."

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"Severus I am not wearing my Malfoy Ball gown to dinner with Sirius and the Lupins," Alexis told him firmly, "and why on earth would you want me to wear it?"

Alexis stared at Snape, "No reason in particular," he replied not looking at her, "You just look particularly attractive in that gown."

"You hate the thought of me wearing that gown on any other occasion. What made you change your mind?"

Snape ignored her and pulled out a leather mini-skirt with a matching bustiere, "How about this? I think you have some matching boots in here somewhere."

Alexis stared from her usually ultra conservative husband to the sexy outfit he was holding out for her inspection, "Just what is your goal here tonight?"

"I have no idea what you are insinuating," Snape said with refined dignity, "If you don't like the outfit I will see about finding another," tossing the items on a chair he dived back into the closet. This time he pulled out a long knit skirt with a matching off the shoulder top. It looked innocent enough except Alexis remembered the thigh high slit in the skirt and the fact that the material clung to every curve of her body like it was painted on.

Alexis watched as Snape pulled out sexy, slinky outfit after outfit trying to figure out what had gotten into the man. Usually he wanted her covered from chin to ankles in loose baglike garments. Alexis started as an idea hit her. Getting to her feet she nudged Snape away from the closet and pulled out a simple but very attractive outfit. The robe was formfitting without being overly tight and while the skirt brushed her ankles there was a slit that came up to just above her knee. The bodice had a sweetheart neckline that revealed just a hint of cleavage, "I'll knock his socks off in this one without looking like the whore of Babylon."

Snape stared at it before responding coolly, "I really don't know what you are talking about."

"I know dear," she smiled at him.

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Alexis muttered to Remus, "This is going well."

Remus snorted, "Couldn't be better."

They were both looking at their spouses who had taken up residence on a doxie chewed love seat. Severus and Amber were sitting stiff backed on the edge of the seat, with arms crossed and both were scowling and staring straight ahead. Two untouched glasses of wine were resting on the coffee table in front of them.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Remus said to Alexis.

"They have to learn to get along," Alexis said shaking her head slightly at the stubborn duo. A welcome interruption came in the form of Sirius Black returning with a small tray of cheese and crackers.

"Dinner will be ready shortly," he said as he placed the tray on the same coffee table with the wine glasses, "Wine not to your taste Snivellus?" he sneered.

Before Snape could respond Amber had jumped in, "The wine is excellent, charming, mature and full-bodied," as Sirius grinned smugly, "the exact opposite of our host in fact."

"It is a very nice wine Sirius," Remus jumped into the awkward silence following Amber's critique of the wine.

Alexis shot Sirius a warning look before going over to perch on the arm of the sofa next to Snape, "Yes Pookie," she stressed the embarrassing nickname, "it is a very enjoyable wine."

Sirius flashed her a grin, "Now you don't want to go using pet names, Sniv…Snape," he changed quickly at Amber and Alexis' glares, "might get the wrong idea."

Snape sneered as he hooked a possessive arm around Alexis' waist almost pulling her into his lap. Alexis steadied herself with an arm around Severus' shoulders.

Amber smirked, "I believe Severus is fully aware of the fact that Alexis has absolutely no desire for a mongrel pet at this time. After all she has her hands full with Star, Aniya, the boys and soon they will be having another baby."

"Ahh, please we are about to eat and the thought of Snape procreating is enough to put me off food indefinitely," Sirius replied.

Alexis squeezed Snape's shoulders as a low growling noise came from deep in his chest. Amber's face had flushed a becoming shade of pink as she tried to control her temper enough to come up with a response other than a few well flung hexes.

Remus looked at the three sitting frozen in a rictus of anger and grabbed Sirius' arm, "Come on let's check on dinner."

"It will be ready in a minute," Sirius grinned up at his friend oblivious to the peril he had placed himself in with his careless words. Intent only in baiting Snape he was unaware of how insulting he had been to Alexis and her sons.

"Really Sirius, I think I smell something burning," Remus insisted.

"Mooney old boy, it is that time of the month?" Sirius asked him with a barking laugh.

Alexis reached over and grabbed Amber's shoulder exerting some small effort to keep Amber from leaping to her feet. Snape shrugged his shoulder trying to loosen Alexis' grip on Amber. Alexis slid off the arm of the sofa and onto Snape's lap and reached over to grab hold of Amber's arm, "Sirius, I really think you should go check on dinner with Remus," she managed to gasp out as Snape was now gripping her waist as though to try to assist her efforts to restrain Amber but really just tickling her in an attempt to get her to release Amber's arm.

Remus had grabbed Black by the ear and was tugging him from the room.

"Ouch Mooney! Stop it!" was heard as the door slammed shut behind the two wizards.

Alexis was stretched out across Snape's lap and partway on top of Amber panting heavily from all the exertion.

"You may remove yourself from my person," Amber said haughtily.

Alexis gave her a considering look which Amber returned serenely. Alexis slowly pulled herself away from Amber wary of her sudden capitulation. Amber just continued to straighten her hair and clothes completely ignoring Alexis.

Snape was watching the performance. His money was on Amber for now although the odds were split pretty evenly between the two women as to who would win in a physical tussle. Alexis had a slight reach advantage but Amber wasn't pregnant.

Alexis was distracted by a sudden bellow of outrage coming from the hallway soon followed by the sounds of the paintings adding their screams, shouts and mayhem. Amber took her chance and leaped for the door.

Alexis might have caught her but Snape had not been distracted by the noise and was able to hold onto Alexis allowing Amber a few more moments to make her escape. A well executed wiggle had Alexis free from Snape's hold but only momentarily. He had managed to get a grip on the back of her robes thus impeding her pursuit of the maniacal Amber intent on wreaking revenge. Alexis thought she heard Amber mumbling "Castratis, Castratis, Castratis," as she hurried to leave the room.

Amber was almost to the door when Alexis managed to pull free from Serverus' grip ripping the back of her dress. A flying tackle had her wrapped around Amber's legs bringing them both to the floor with a decided thud. Amber managed to wheeze out while trying to regain her breath, "I just want to take care of a small but aggravating problem Alexis. I promise it won't be painful. Come on be a sport."

Alexis was struggling to keep a good hold on Amber, "Won't be painful? You were muttering a castrating charm as you headed for the door!"

"Well it won't be painful to me," she explained reasonably.

"You can't," Alexis let out a yelp of pain as Amber's elbow caught her ear, "castrate your husband's," Alexis twisted as Amber caught a handful of her hair, "let go of my hair you witch," she tugged free leaving a few strands clutched in Amber's fist, "best mate," Alexis finally managed to pin both of Amber's arms down. She was panting loudly. Looking back at where Snape was sitting calmly on the divan, "Thanks for your assistance."

Amber spit a hank of hair out of her mouth, "Yes Severus thank you for your assistance."

"My pleasure."

"Are you going to behave?" Alexis stared down at Amber intently.

"Tell me one reason why I should?" Amber hissed, "He is an immature, sarcastic, sneaky…"

"Don't forget felonious," Snape offered helpfully.

"Now he helps," Alexis muttered.

"Yes, felonious, aggravating git who spied on me and my family and took advantage of our kindness to live off of us," Amber replied.

"He is a man who was imprisoned for eleven years for a crime he did not commit," Alexis said simply.

"He may not have committed the particular crime for which he went to prison, but there were other crimes he committed," Snape sneered sharply.

"Severus, Dumbledore is insisting that we all work together," Alexis said tiredly. "You and Amber have to call a truce and learn to get along with Sirius," as the derisive snorts emitted from the duo, "that may be asking too much, how about an armed truce where you are at least polite to one another?"

"Amber he is your husband's best friend," Alexis looked down, "Can't you at least get along with him for Remus' sake?"

Before she could answer there was the sound of the door creaking open and Sirius stepping in, "Dinners rea….What happened?"

Alexis sat up and pushed her hair back from where it had fallen from its pins, "Nothing, nothing at all. Just go on about your business."

Remus helped Amber to her feet which allowed him to maintain a good grip on her, "Are you alright?" he whispered to her.

"I'm fine," she smiled at him tightly, "and you?"

Snape rose majestically and proceeded to assist Alexis up from where she was sitting on the floor. A simple reparo charm had her dress back in order.

"So Sirius, lead us on to dinner. I am starving," Alexis smiled weakly at him while trying to brush the carpet dust off of her skirt.

"What just happened?" Sirius tried again.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Amber said frostily straining slightly against Remus' hold.

"You and Alexis on the floor…" he trailed off slowly at the glares he was receiving.

"Just let it go Padfoot," Remus advised softly while still maintaining a safe distance between Amber and Sirius.

"The kitchen is the only place set up to eat in yet," Sirius explained while trying to figure out what he had just walked into, "You need to be quiet going through the hallway or you will wake up dear old mum," he finished with a sardonic twist to his lips.

Sirius led the way into the basement kitchen where a simple dinner was set out. Snape held out a chair for Alexis but before he could finish seating her she let out a sharp scream and tried to climb up his body, "Something brushed my leg under the table," she said shakily.

Sirius hurried over and peered under the heavy oak table, "Kreacher," he gritted out, "what do you think you are doing?" he reached under the table and grabbed the leathery bat-like ear and began tugging on it.

"Oh master, I'se is just serving the noble house of Black," Kreacher whined trying to pull away, "filthy little blood traitor, bane of his mother's existence."

"Get out of here," Sirius flung him toward the stairs.

"You can come down now," Sirius told Alexis, "he won't bother you again tonight."

Alexis nodded, "Sorry, but it just felt so strange. Like a bat or a something leathery rubbing against my leg."

Sirius had a strained look on his face as though he was struggling valiantly to keep something in check. A long moment later he let out a burst of breath and replied, "Let's sit and eat before it gets cold."

Dessert was barely over and Amber and Snape were making noises about needing to get home. Remus and Alexis exchanged looks before deciding that the evening had gone as well as could be expected and that they would probably be pushing their luck if they tried to extend it any further.

Alexis gave Sirius a long look before pulling Amber to one side and whispering something to her. At first Snape could tell by the look on her face that Amber really wasn't liking what she was hearing. A long whisper later and she reluctantly nodded before heading over to where Remus and Sirius were talking. "Remus why don't you stay and visit with Sirius while Alexis and Severus see me home," she offered woodenly.

Sirius' face broke into a pleased grin while Remus looked at her suspiciously, "I'll take you home."

Amber really took the time to look at her husband and then another searching look at Sirius, her voice thawed, "Remus, you stay here. I 'm fine with it." Amber was surprised to find that she really did mean that.

Remus gave her a grateful kiss and hug before allowing her to leave with Severus and Alexis.

Snape looked at Alexis as they headed up the walk toward the castle. They had just dropped Amber off at her home, "I will admit I was wrong on one point about this evening."

"What was that dear?" Alexis asked as she leaned into his shoulder.

"I did have an enjoyable moment this evening," he replied with a smirk.

"When was that?" Alexis looked up at him suspiciously.

"When we left."


	38. Scrub A Dub Dub

Disclaimer: Not mine.

**Chapter 38 Scrub A Dub Dub**

**_I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.  
_****_- Joan Rivers_**

Alexis rubbed at the tension headache that was developing right above her left eye, "I am going to attend this meeting Severus," she told him for the forty-second time.

Snape was glowering at her from his position by the mantelpiece, "You are not going to attend. I forbid it. I am your husband and my decision is final. This discussion is over."

Alexis looked up at him from where she was seated on the sofa trying to control her temper, "Severus, that is the biggest load of dragon dung I have ever heard come out of your mouth." Deciding to relieve some of her tension she let loose, "First of all I AM going to attend. Second of all, 'you FORBID it?' What do you think I am your dog that you can order around and expect me to just obey you? Thirdly, I do recognize that you are my husband and that is the ONLY reason you are still standing and are hex free after the way you have been speaking to me. Fourthly, this discussion is NOT over until we BOTH agree that it is over. Our marriage is a partnership NOT a dictatorship and if you ever, ever try something like this again I will," Alexis paused her for a moment trying to think of a threat dire enough to get her point across. A look of smug triumph dawned on her face, "I'll sit with the Gryffindors for EVERY Quidditch game next year."

"You wouldn't?" Snape was appalled.

"I will wear red and gold the entire week before the Slytherin and Gryffindor game," she continued really getting into stride.

Snape was dumbfounded.

"And if you still continue to try to act like a control freak I will decorate our rooms in red and gold with a lion motif," she finished.

"Now that is going entirely too far!" Snape snarled.

Alexis got to her feet and pushed the footstool over in front of Severus before climbing up onto it. Going nose to nose with him she hissed, "Try me!"

Severus looked down at her. Even with the footstool she still had to stand on her tiptoes in order to be eyelevel with him. His lips twitched. Her eyes narrowed. His lips twitched again. Her eyes narrowed even further.

"I don't want you to attend," he stated clearly, "I am concerned for your safety."

Alexis placed her hands on his shoulders and kissed the tip of his nose, "I know: but, this is something we both need to do. I don't like the thought of you going to the meeting alone."

"I am not alone. If I were alone it would hardly be a meeting now would it," Snape helped Alexis down off of the footstool.

"You know what I mean," she gave him an exasperated look, "This is the first official meeting and I want to be there."

"This is important to you?"

"Yes."

"As you wish," Snape conceded ungraciously glaring at the pink bunny slipper that was nuzzling his foot.

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Severus reached up to the door of number twelve Grimmauld Place and prepared to use the silver doorknocker, "Severus, we were told not to knock," Alexis grabbed his hand, "because it will disturb that painting of Mrs. Black."

"I know," Snape sneered evilly and gave the knocker several good, loud bangs.

As soon as Molly Weasley opened the door for Alexis and Snape the sounds of Mrs. Black and company yelling and screaming assaulted their ears. Remus and Arthur were trying to close the curtains over the paintings without much success.

Alexis walked over to Mrs. Black's painting and yelled as loud as she could, "PAINT THINNER!"

The sudden silence was deafening. Mrs. Black stopped in mid-screech and stared bug eyed at the young witch smirking at her, "Much better. Thank you."

Alexis turned to look at stunned group in the hallway, "Where are we meeting tonight?" Molly pointed toward the basement kitchen. "Thank you." Alexis smiled politely, "Coming Severus?"

Snape took her arm and muttered disgruntled, "Spoilsport."

Amber was sitting at the kitchen table with Sirius and several other witches and wizards who Alexis had not yet met.

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Alexis was surprised at how well the meeting had gone. Snape and Sirius had pretty much ignored each other. Moody had tried to get in a few digs but after being glared at by both Alexis and Amber he had settled for a general muttering and dark looks.

It had been decided that the Weasley family would be moving into Grimmauld Place in order to be better placed to co-ordinate the watch on Harry Potter and other Order business.

"Sirius, I will be by tomorrow to begin cleaning out the bedrooms," Alexis overheard Molly.

"If the bedrooms are anything like the rest of the house, it's going to take more than just you Molly," Amber joined in, "I'll meet you here at eight if that's convenient?"

Molly was nodding gratefully.

Alexis glanced up at Severus, "No," he replied firmly.

She cocked her head to one side, "Absolutely not," he continued.

She smiled at him, "What would you do with the boys?" he asked.

"Slinky and Merry would be well able to watch them for several hours," Alexis replied, "And Amber could drop Cynthia off with them and we could travel together."

"Why on earth would you want to help clean up a crumbling mausoleum like this?" Snape inquired.

"I'm just a nice person," Alexis smirked at him before going over to let Molly and Amber know she would be there the next day to assist.

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"All right ladies," Molly was armed with brooms, mops, buckets, rags and _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests_, "the way I figure it we will need at least five bedrooms habitable for witch or wizard and at least two bathrooms."

Alexis had to stifle an urge to salute, "Just tell us where to start Molly."

Molly looked at them worriedly, "We'll be working in pairs: Ginny and I and you two. This house has sat vacant for about ten years and things seem to have been breeding. Be careful and keep your wand with you at all times," with this dire warning Molly handed the two witches cleaning supplies and motioned them toward a door on the first floor, "Start in there."

Alexis and Amber straightened their shoulders and prepared to do battle. Amber eased open the door as though expecting something to pop out at her; but all that was revealed was a very dusty and dirty bedroom. There were two twin beds a nightstand next to each and a wardrobe in the corner. The bed hangings were in tatters and there were a large number of cobwebs.

A flick of Amber's wand had the wall sconces lit and Alexis went over and poked the broom at the heavy drapes covering the windows. When nothing objected to the poke, she opened them to let in the little stream of light that managed to work its way through the grit and grime on the glass panes.

"Where do we start?" Alexis asked.

"At the top and work our way down," Amber rolled up her sleeves and began to sweep the cobwebs off of the ceiling. The ceiling was so high that she had to use a levitation charm to get the broom along the corners and edges.

Alexis proceeded to use her wand to remove the dusty and nasty remnants of the bed hangings, "What do I do with these?" she levitated the pile gingerly in front of her.

Amber turned to look and another wave of her wand had them burnt to ashes, "How about that?"

"Do you think we could get away with doing that to the whole house?" Alexis grinned.

"It would probably be quicker, but, I doubt it," Amber grinned back. "Use some of that pest spray on the mattresses," she instructed Alexis.

Alexis obediently retrieved the spray bottle and began to squirt the mixture on the nearest bed. Amber glanced over at her, "Really soak it in. Sometimes those little buggers will dig themselves in deep."

"What am I spraying for?" Alexis asked as she concentrated on soaking the mattress.

"Bedbugs," Amber wrinkled her nose as she continued to brush down the walls.

Alexis took a cautious step back from the bed.

Alexis had finished with the first mattress and had almost finished the second when a strange rustling noise caught her attention. Turning back to the original mattress she noticed little things popping up from the cover. Curious she stepped closer only to recoil in disgust. Thousands of bugs were now popping out of the mattress. Alexis noticed a strange phenomenon taking place. The more bugs the thinner the mattress. "Amber," Alexis cried as the same rustling noise came from the second mattress she had just finished soaking.

Amber turned to look, "Merlin's beard! The mattresses are nothing but bugs!"

The sounds of bangs and shouts quickly brought Sirius and Remus running. Skidding through the door they found both women up on one of the night tables casting spells at the sea of bedbugs that was covering the floor. As soon as they had cleared one area of the floor it would be overrun with more bugs from the rapidly deflating mattresses.

Sirius and Remus quickly began a flanking attack on the army of angry bugs. It appeared as if the pest spray had only irritated them.

"Molly!" Amber yelled at the top of her lungs, "Bring stronger spray."

Molly came charging down the stairs from where she had been working with Ginny on the upstairs bathroom. One look was all it took for her to realize what was going on. Grabbing up the undiluted pest spray she yelled to everyone, "Cover your noses," and she began to slosh the concentrated mix directly onto the bugs.

The bugs began to retreat back to their mattresses. "Get the girls out of here," Molly ordered Sirius and Remus.

The two wizards hurried over and helped Amber and Alexis off of their precarious perch and they all scurried for the door. When Molly saw that the room was clear she used a complicated charm that allowed her to hose the whole room with the pest spray. When she had finished, the stuff was dripping from every surface and a half inch was soaking into the flooring.

Closing the door behind her, Molly emerged and removed the rag she had used to cover her nose and mouth, "There, that should take care of the problem. But it will take a while for the room to dry out. Why don't you two go work on one of the second floor bedrooms? None of the rest of the mattresses should be infected as bedbugs tend to congregate in one room."

Alexis and Amber nodded mutely looking at the indomitable Weasley matriarch with much respect.

Gathering up a new supply of cleaning equipment, their original having been abandoned when they fled the room, they proceeded to the next battle.

Alexis muttered to Amber, "Burn the mattresses and I will buy all new ones."

Amber nodded fervently in agreement, "I'll help you shrink them and sneak them in."

The next bedroom was much like the first: twin beds, two nightstands and a wardrobe. This room also had an empty portrait hanging on the wall.

Alexis and Amber looked warily at two mattresses. They believed Molly about the bedbugs, but just the same…

"Let's leave the mattresses for last," Amber suggested to Alexis' relief.

Nodding her agreement the two proceeded to sweep the ceiling and walls free from cobwebs and dust. Alexis and Amber were getting ready to flip a coin to see who would open the wardrobe door and who would stand guard with wand drawn when they realized they were witches.

Standing several feet back Amber cast the spell to open the doors and they both crouched down in a defensive stance as the heavy oak doors swung open. It was anticlimactic to find that there was only more dust inside.

A cleaning and waxing charm had the wardrobe sparkling. Amber started on the nightstands while Alexis began sweeping out from under the beds.

The first bed revealed more dust and the dried carcasses of several nasty looking bugs. Alexis began to sweep under the second bed. She was half way down the length when the broom stopped abruptly. Putting some more muscle in it she gave it a harder push only to have the broom yanked out of her hand. Scrambling for the handle she just managed to grab the end of it before it disappeared entirely under the bed. Alexis gave the broom a good tug trying to free it from whatever had caught hold of it. The broom tugged back pulling her forward a good two inches, "Amber, give me a hand here."

Amber hurried over, "What is it?"

"I don't know," Alexis panted out as she struggled to keep the broom from disappearing, "but we only have two more brooms left and I am not giving up this one!"

Amber gave her a strange look before lighting the tip of her wand and peering under the bed, "It's just stuck on a pile of old clothes," she said exasperated.

"No way," Alexis grunted with the effort of maintaining her grip on the broom handle, "it's just a pile," she slipped another couple of inches, "of old clothes," she had braced her feet on the edge of the bed and was straining back with all her strength.

Amber knew Alexis was a world champion prankster, she also knew what she had seen under the bed so she wasn't buying this act, "Alexis we really don't have time for all this fooling around," she told her sternly.

Alexis shook her head and concentrated on keeping hold of the broom. Amber leaned over and told her sweetly, "If the pile of clothes wants the broom just let it have it."

Alexis let out a sharp, "No."

Amber sighed in frustration, "Alexis Snape I am not going to stand here and be pranked like this. Just let the bloody broom go!"

Alexis gave her a surprised look and that moment of distraction was all it took. The broom slid under the bed with a grating noise, "Now see what you did," Alexis said in exasperation.

Amber lit her wand and rolled her eyes before looking under the bed again. She was prepared to see the broom just laying there. Instead what met her eyes was the pile of clothes devouring the broom. Soon all that was left was the very tip on the handle. When the pile let out a loud belch spraying her with bits of broom straw Amber screamed and ran from the room. Alexis was on her heels.

Remus and Sirius again came running.

"Monster," Amber panted as Remus held her up, "under the bed," she pointed back into the room.

Remus gave her a concerned look, "Did you inhale a little too much of the pest spray?"

Amber shook her head in denial and just kept pointing at the room.

Alexis was leaning up against the wall, "Ate broom."

Sirius on the other hand was grinning like a loon and hurrying into the room.

Remus urged Amber back into the room sure that Sirius was going to show her that there was nothing under the bed. Alexis reluctantly brought up the rear.

The trio found Sirius on all fours peering delightedly under the bed, "Mike I thought you were dead!" Turning back to the rest, "This is Mike; he is the monster under my bed. I used to have so much fun with him. He used to hide under Regulus' bed and grab his ankles when he got up to use the bathroom," Sirius let out his bark like laugh as what appeared to be the cuff of a shirt sleeve caressed the back of his hand. Then the end of a belt came out and lapped at Sirius' face rather like a dog's tongue but leaving a trail of green slime, "Hey, none of that," Sirius chastised. As Sirius turned back to continue talking with Mike, Alexis and Amber headed on to the next room wondering what they would find there.

Molly met them on the third floor landing, "What happened to your broom?"

Alexis muttered something in response.

"The bed ate your broom?" Molly asked ready to believe it. With this house anything was possible.

"No," Alexis said more clearly, "the monster under the bed ate the broom. His name is Mike," she added helpfully.

"I haven't run across a bed monster in ages," Molly smiled in fond remembrance. At their questioning looks, "Charlie's Ralph was the last one. Ralph managed to sneak into Charlie's haversack and followed him to Romania."

Molly looked at the two dusty, dirt streaked, bedraggled witches standing in front of her, "Why don't we take a break and have a spot of tea?" she offered.

They had all settled in the kitchen and Molly was bustling about preparing tea and setting out trays of sandwiches and biscuits, "Oh one thing girls, you need to be careful of the third floor dust bunnies. They seem to have gone rabid."

Ginny piped in, "Yes, they are foaming at the mouth."

Alexis looked from Ginny to Molly, "Foaming dust bunnies?"

"Yes," Molly shook her head. "The mess is atrocious, little bits of foam all over the floor," she tutted in disapproval, "there is nothing to do but put them down when they go rabid like that."

"How do you put them down?" Alexis asked.

"Oh a simple vacuum charm will take care of it," Molly continued at the puzzled looks she was receiving, "I'll charm the bags for you," she said kindly.

"Charmed vacuum bags," Alexis repeated softly.

"Yes the best ones have a HEPA on them," Ginny offered helpfully.

"HEPA?" Alexis asked.

"Yes a helpful expansion and propulsion attachment," Ginny grinned, "it expands the bag to whatever size it needs to be and has a self propulsion charm on it. That way you just activate it, leave it in the room you want cleaned and come back later."

Molly nodded thoughtfully as she placed the tea on the table, "We may want to place an unbreakable charm on the bags though. Some of those bunnies were the size of house cats."

Amber and Alexis finished the fortifying tea and returned to the battle armed with new determination and a bigger, better arsenal of pest fighting equipment. Molly and Ginny were going to set up the vacuum bags on the third floor so Alexis and Amber headed up to the fourth floor to try and finish cleaning at least one room before the day was over.

The room they chose was just as dirty and begrimed as the rest of the house. This time they carefully checked under the bed with lit wands before sweeping under it. They had managed to clean everything in the room except for the large bureau taking up most of one wall. They were relieved as each drawer they carefully opened only contained dust and moth balls.

With a feeling of accomplishment they looked around the much cleaner room. Amber's look stopped at the bureau, "Did you clean under that thing?" she asked pointing a mop at the huge piece of furniture.

"Nope," Alexis sighed shifting her grip on one of the two remaining brooms and preparing to sweep under the bureau.

"Wait," Amber stopped her, "I just saw something move."

They cautiously approached and kneeling down managed to shine enough light from their wands to see two sets of dully gleaming eyes.

"What is it?" Alexis asked trying to get a better look.

Just then the thing shuffled forward slightly.

"It is just a pair of bunny slippers," Amber sighed in relief.

Alexis shifted the broom and started to insert it under the bureau and sweep the slippers out. Amber noticed a low growling noise, "Alexis I don't know if I would do that," she cautioned.

"Why not?" Alexis continued to probe with the end of the broom, "They're just bunny slippers."

The growling noise was getting louder, "Alexis I really don't think you should be doing that."

Alexis had finally registered the threatening growl emitting from under the furniture, "Maybe you're right," Alexis cautiously began to back away from the bureau. As soon as she moved the broom there was a horrible snarling noise and the broom started shaking and quivering pulling out of Alexis' hand. Alexis made a grab for the handle and managed to pull the broom out. Or at least pull out what was left of the broom. Whatever was under the bureau had destroyed the bristles on the broom leaving a slightly smoking ragged stump.

"Remus," Amber yelled and began pushing Alexis out of the room. Alexis was stunned and could not take her eyes off of broom remains.

Remus and Sirius came panting up the stairs, "What now?"

Alexis just held out the end of the broom to them and softly said, "Bunny slippers."

"So that's where dear old mum's slippers crawled off to," Sirius growled heading into the bedroom.

A moment later there was a bang followed by some squealing. They could hear Sirius cursing fluently. Some more bangs and then a cloud of smoke followed by Sirius coming out of the room brushing his hands off on his robes. There were several scorch marks on his robes and a nasty looking scratch on his face.

Amber cast a healing charm on the scratch while Alexis continued to stare at the broom end.

"Acid," Sirius explained. Alexis looked over at him, "Mummy dearest charmed the little blighters to spit acid. She thought it a great joke."

Alexis and Amber just nodded dumbly before heading on to the next room.

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"And just exactly why are we buying Grimmauld Place four new mattresses and three new brooms?" Snape asked quietly.

"Well I told you how the first two were filled with bed bugs and we had to destroy them in order to get rid of the infestation." Snape nodded. "Well, Amber and I were cleaning another room and we thought the bed was rustling so we both blasted it to smithereens."

"That accounts for three of the four beds," Snape said.

"Well," Alexis actually blushed, "I could have sworn the last bed was following me around the room. I could just picture the blasted thing knocking me on top of it and then sucking me into its depths."

"So you blasted that one too?"

"Actually that one I set on fire and watched it burn," Alexis smiled in remembrance, "it made a very cheery blaze. Amber conjured some marshmallows and we roasted them. Then Remus and Sirius came in and wanted to know what we were doing. So we told them and then they helped us roast marshmallows. Of course when Molly came in and saw what was going on she got angry and drenched our mattress fire," Alexis yawned before snuggling sleepily into Snape's shoulder, "Did you know that Sirius' brother was quiet good in herbology?" not waiting for a reply, "I really think he had stuffed some of his research into that mattress."


	39. Happy Happy Birthday Babies

Disclaimer: Not mine.

**Chapter 39 Happy Happy Birthday Babies**

_**You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.  
John P. Grier**_

Alexis was pouring over several different lists crossing out items and adding new ones. The detritus of a marathon planning session was scattered all around her chair. Snape came in just in time to see Slinky pop in with a slice of cake, "Heres is the sample I'se got from the kitchen, Mistress Snape," he handed her the plate.

"Hmmm," Alexis tasted it carefully. Noticing Snape, "What do you think Severus?" she held out a forkful for him to try.

Snape accepted the offering, "Tastes like cake."

"Yes but does it taste like the perfect birthday cake?" she asked him impatiently.

"Since I have never had the perfect birthday cake I would be the wrong person to ask," Severus settled into an arm chair and opened up the latest edition of _Potions Quarterly_, "and why do you need the perfect birthday cake?" he asked idly.

"Severus Snape I can't believe that you have forgotten that our sons' first birthday is in two weeks," Alexis stated indignantly.

"You forgot didn't you?" Snape said as he turned several pages looking for the article on the proper use of moonstones.

Alexis glared at him, "I did **not** forget," he looked at her over the top of the magazine, "…exactly," she conceded guiltily, "I didn't forget that their first birthday was coming, just forgot about planning a party."

That got Snape's attention. "A party?"

"Yes, a party," Alexis repeated with a hundred times more enthusiasm than Snape had said it the first time. "In fact it was Narcissa that reminded me that we should be planning a party for the boys."

"When did you see Narcissa?" Snape asked her intently.

"This morning in Diagon Alley," Alexis had returned to her lists, "Do you think we need to see if Hagrid can convince one of the unicorns to give the children rides or perhaps one of the centaurs would do it?"

Snape stared at his serious wife, "Alexis, the boys are only going to be one year old. How do you expect them to stay up on the back of a unicorn? And don't even suggest the centaur idea to anyone," he stated firmly. "They are extremely sensitive to any suggestion that they may possibly be used as mounts."

"I guess you're right," Alexis conceded reluctantly. "Maybe next year we can see about unicorn rides," she scratched something off of her list, "How about a merry-go-round then? Narcissa was telling me they still had the one they used for Draco's first birthday party."

"Just where are you planning on having this event?" Snape wanted to know.

"Albus said we could have it here," Alexis was making copious notes, "If it is wet we can have it in the Great Hall and if the weather is nice we can have it on the grounds," Alexis tapped her quill on her chin, "I wonder…"

Snape looked at her apprehensively.

"You know Harry Potter and the boys share the same birthday," before she could finish Snape had already started shaking his head in adamant denial.

"No, absolutely _not_. There is no way I am going to budge on this one," Snape had crumpled the magazine into an accordion, "My… I mean _our_ sons are not going to share their first birthday party with the bloody boy who lives to make my life miserable."

"Albus probably wouldn't allow it anyway," Alexis made another note on the paper in front of her, "I have cake and ice cream, do you think we need to serve a sit down lunch or have it buffet style?"

Snape was staring at her completely nonplussed by the entire situation.

Alexis checked a few things off of her list, "Party balloons, I am using the same balloon manufacturer as the one I used for your balloons for Valentine's Day year before last," she flashed him a smile. "All we have to do is decide on a theme and they will charm the balloons to twist themselves into the appropriate shapes. I was thinking about dragons, or perhaps a Quidditch theme. Party favors and goody bags for the children. What do you think about having goody bags for the adults as well?" Alexis grinned but didn't wait for Snape's response. "I like that idea," she scribbled madly on her list, "just more adult versions of whatever we put in the kiddy bags."

"What type of games do children play at birthday parties?" Alexis asked Snape. "I know some of the Muggle games: pin the tail on the donkey, hot potato, three blind mice," Snape's eyes widened as she continued the list of games, "tug of war, poker faces…"Alexis trailed off as she caught the look on Snape's face, "What?"

"Don't you think those are a bit violent for a children's party? Poke her face and tug of war, sound like things they would do at a Death Eater gathering. And I really don't think Hagrid is going to let you remove a tail from a donkey just so you can pin it back on. Also, there is absolutely no way that Albus or Hagrid are going to let you go around blinding mice."

Alexis stared at him, "What on earth are you blathering on about? Severus I really don't have time for your jokes. Now please try to be serious."

She rapidly flipped several pages, "Do you think a clown or a magician? What am I thinking that would be a Muggle party?" Alexis chuckled, "Although," she grew thoughtful but let out a sigh, "no a Muggle themed party would NOT be a good idea in today's climate." She scribbled some more on her lists, "I have waited too long to get a decent band," she pursed her lips in disappointment.

"Why would we need a band?" Snape wanted to know.

"For musical chairs," Alexis responded not even looking up, "Oh, and of course for dancing after dinner. It wouldn't be a party if we didn't have dancing after dinner."

"Alexis, the boys are just now walking," Snape gave her a stern look, "I don't think they will be dancing or playing with chairs musical or otherwise."

She ignored that comment and leaned over and began shuffling through the stacks around her chair. Grabbing up a roll of parchment she handed it to Snape, "I need you to look over the guest list and make sure I haven't forgotten anyone please."

Snape opened up the parchment and watched as it unrolled down his lap and then continued down onto the floor for a good foot and a half, "Exactly how many people are you inviting?"

"I think there is almost an even one hundred and fifty if I did not miscount. That just doesn't seem right though," Alexis looked up at him with a furrowed brow, "Narcissa said they invited over three hundred people to Draco's first birthday party."

"One hundred and fifty guests to a children's birthday party?" Snape demanded, "They are not even a year old yet. I really don't think they know a hundred and fifty people."

"Of course they don't silly," Alexis smiled over at him, "Most of those are people we know for them."

"We know people for our sons?"

"Yes of course Severus," Alexis smiled at him again as she explained, "We have to make the correct contacts so that Nathair and Aleser will have every advantage."

Snape began to have an inkling of an idea, "Alexis, exactly how long were you and Narcissa together today?"

"Several hours," Alexis responded as she tried to retrieve the list to add a few more names to it that she had just remembered, "She was really helpful with ideas for the party and names of caterers and all, why do you ask?"

"Alexis do you really want to have an elaborate party for Aleser and Nathair, stop and think about it for just a minute? You would be running around like a mad witch, you would not have a minute to spend with the boys. In fact you would in all likelihood only be able to see the party in photographs."

Alexis stared at him stunned for a moment, "What was I thinking?"

"How about a nice picnic lunch with cake and ice cream and our closest friends?"

"Can I still have my balloons?" Alexis grinned up at him.

"As long as they do not form hearts nor shoot bows and arrows."

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Snape and Remus stepped into a camera shop located at the far end of Diagon Alley. Snape had decided that his sons' birthday party was the perfect excuse for the purchase of a new camera. Alexis had been one hundred percent in favor of the idea. Amber had seconded the notion when she heard about it and had insisted that Remus join him on the shopping expedition. Snape had a suspicion that it was more the thought of them being out from underfoot for a few hours than the idea of a new camera that had the two witches so enthusiastic.

The camera shop was fully stocked with everything a wizarding photographer could need or want. As the tiny bell announced their presence, a young attractive blonde witch came out from the storeroom and flashed them a toothy smile, "Gentlemen, welcome to Smiley's Camera Emporium, my name is Wendi with an 'I' how may I be of assistance?"

Snape and Remus exchanged looks, why would they care how to spell her name. Snape shrugged slightly before turning back to Wendi with an "I" and replying, "I require a new camera."

"Wonderful," Wendi enthused and clapped her hands together, "What type of camera do you want?"

"I was thinking that you might be able to show me some models and perhaps tell me about them so that I can decide," Snape said slowly.

"I guess I could do that," Wendi replied equally slowly, "In fact I know I can do that," she bounced in delight.

Wendi gestured them over to one of the counters and began pulling out several cameras. Snape nodded to Remus, this was more like it. Stopping in front of the counter they waited for Wendi to begin her sales pitch.

Beaming happily at them she waved her hand at the dozen or so cameras neatly placed on the counter, "Taadaa!"

Snape waited.

Wendi smiled brightly and waved her hand again at the assembled cameras.

Snape glared and waited.

Wendi's smile dimmed a watt or two.

Snape's fingers began to drum a tattoo on the counter top.

Wendi's smile faltered.

Snape gritted out through clenched teeth, "Is there anything you would like to tell me about the cameras?"

Wendi's smile returned full force, "Of course sir," she picked up the first one, "This one is black and has a really bright flash," she handed him the camera.

Snape looked from her to the camera. Then he looked from the camera to Remus who was staring in shocked surprise at Wendi so he didn't notice Snape looking at him. "Is there perhaps another sales person who could assist me?" Snape sneered.

Wendi looked surprised, "I'll just go check."

As she disappeared into the back room Remus leaned in and whispered to Snape, "She must be related to Engvall."

Snape snorted in agreement.

There was a whisper of sound and a breathy voice asked, "May I assist you gentlemen?"

A red haired witch walked over to the counter and gave them a small smile, "Wendi said that you requested someone else help you?"

Snape eyed her intently. She looked vaguely familiar. He wondered if perhaps he had taught her, "Yes, I would like to know something about these cameras?" he indicated the ones that Wendi had placed on the counter.

She nodded, "I am Wendy with a 'Y' and these are all very nice cameras," a hint of enthusiasm crept into her voice. Snape nodded curtly while wondering why the sales clerks insisted that their customers know how to spell their names. Wendy with a 'Y' picked up one, "Now take this one," she smiled brightly and Snape again felt that flash of almost recognition, "You see the flash," she pointed and Snape looked, "it is very bright," Snape's eyes narrowed, "and if you will notice it is a very nice shade of black," Wendy was now grinning widely.

Snape glowered at her, "Is there perhaps someone working here who can tell me about the cameras you have for sale?" As she opened her mouth, "More than the brightness of the flash and the color?" his jaw was clenched as he spit out the words.

Wendy sniffed, "I will check," and she too disappeared into the back.

Remus commented, "Did she seem familiar to you?"

Snape nodded curtly, "She and Wendi with an "I" must be related."

"Do you know if Professor Engvall has any daughters?" Remus asked idly.

"Not to my knowledge," Snape shuddered slightly at the thought of Professor Wilhelmina procreating.

Just then a brunette witch stepped briskly out of the storeroom, "What'ya want?" she asked abrasively and popped her gum in time with her nails tapping on the counter.

Snape glared at her coldly, "I want to know something about these cameras?" before she could open her mouth, "Other than that the brightness of the flash and the color."

She glared back at him and pointed to the smallest camera on the table, "That one is really small," pointing to the next on in line, "this one weighs a lot," Snape stared at her as she continued down the line losing a little more of her abrasiveness with each camera, "this one is pretty and this one has a handy strap," she was becoming more bubbly and at the same time more familiar.

Snape interrupted her, "What is your name?"

The brunette stuttered to a stop staring at Snape with wide eyes before a big grin appeared, "Windi with two "I"s." she said triumphantly, "Now this camera here is very special," she held up the camera, "see it has two flashes so it is very, very bright and the case is a very shiny black."

Remus grabbed Snape's arm as he went for his wand. The tension was broken with the tinkle of the bell over the front door.

A short plump balding man came in carrying a sack of what appeared to be lunch, "Wendy why is the door unlocked?" starting slightly, "and why is your hair brunette again? I've told you time and time again that you need to maintain your natural blonde," he muttered in an aside, "it gives people a warning of what to expect."

The brunette cast her eyes down and looked guilty for a moment, "I just wanted to help Smiley. You wouldn't let me go get lunch."

Smiley interrupted, "Not after the last time. How you could fall for the magic bean soup tale?" he shook his head, "I know you want to help," he sighed, "Just take lunch and go into the back." As she turned to leave he added, "And fix your hair." She nodded dejectedly.

The plump wizard turned to Remus and Snape, "I hope you weren't too inconvenienced?" He winced slightly at Snape's glare, "I will give you a ten percent discount," he offered tentatively.

Snape nodded once in acknowledgement, "Now what can you tell me about these cameras?"

Smiley lived up to his name and smiled brightly, "Well this one here," he held up a camera, "is one of our most popular sellers. It has many interesting features."

Snape relaxed slightly as it looked as if they might finally be getting somewhere.

Smiley turned the camera and pointed to the flash, "See here," Snape nodded studying the flash. Smiley continued, "This flash is the brightest that I have ever seen. And the case, well there is none blacker."

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Alexis smiled at Snape as they both looked over the party that was in full swing on the front lawns at Hogwarts, "You were right Severus, this is much better."

"Much better than what?" Severus asked as he scowled at the raucous pile of people who seemed to be trying to outdo themselves with having fun.

"Much better than that large elaborate party I was trying to plan," Alexis laughed as Aleser managed to grab George Weasley's hair instead of the balloon George was holding for him.

Snape shook his head at his wife. While there were not one hundred and fifty people present, the shear amount of activity going on made it feel and sound as if there were twice that many present.

A long table was piled high with gaily wrapped presents. Other tables groaning with food were scattered around the lawns and brightly colored balloons were tied to every available surface. Flitwick had charmed the area immediately surrounding the boys to rain confetti and streamers much to their delight.

Uncle Buck was over at one table amusing some of the children by transforming into any animal they requested. Snape started as he saw a full grown hippopotamus pop into being.

Alexis hurried over to rescue George before Aleser managed to yank him bald.

Snape noticed after Alexis had freed George that he and his twin were exchanging looks and nonchalantly heading over to a secluded area of the grounds. Being naturally suspicious as well as fully cognizant of all the trouble those two could cause, Snape followed him. The thought of Amber and Remus' wedding reception only spurred him on. There was no way he wanted a repeat of the Canary Creams.

Sneaking up on the dastardly duo he was just in time to see them enlarge a box one of them had taken from a pocket. They were so intent on what they were doing that neither noticed Snape.

"And what do we have here Misters Weasley?" he asked silkily.

They started slightly, "Just a little surprise for the tiny tots," the one on the right grinned cheekily.

"A few small things to enhance the party as it were," the other grinned identically.

"Nothing to worry about," they began to back away.

"We will just go and put these someplace safe," they looked ready to make a run for it.

Snape pulled his wand; "How about if **I** take the box and see to its safety?" it wasn't really a question.

Fred and George glared at him for a moment before surrendering the carton, "It was just a few fireworks."

Snape nodded curtly before waving them to return to the party. Why Alexis had to ask those two to the party he just couldn't understand.

After a moment's consideration Snape put the box behind Hagrid's hut. While he was back there he noticed a large crate covered with burlap sacks. Curious he walked closer noticing a faint rattling sound coming from the box.

"Ho there Pr'fesser, Don't want to be goin' an' spolin' me surprise," Snape turned as Hagrid called out as he came around the corner.

"Hagrid, exactly what kind of surprise do you have planned?" he asked suspiciously. Hagrid was not known for the appropriateness of his surprises.

Hagrid winked at him, "Jus' summpin' to make yer young men's day special. Its' not every day yer young man turns one now."

Snape really wanted to see what was in the crate now but Hagrid had his arm and was pulling him back to the party. Snape made a mental note to sneak back. When the crate started to rock violently; he decided it would have to be soon.

Snape was able to escape Hagrid and quickly found Remus and apprised him of the suspicious crate behind Hagrid's hut. Remus agreed to take care of the crate and disappeared while Snape went to distract Hagrid.

Snape was beginning to become worried about the amount of time Remus was taking. Snape was about to go looking for him when Remus staggered out from behind Hagrid's hut. Remus' robes were singed and torn. He was also covered in dust and ash and had a long scrape on his left arm that was still bleeding.

Snape tried to hurry over to him without attracting any attention. George and Fred were amusing everyone by charming the balloon animals to fight. Snape managed to make his way over to Remus without anyone noticing. He quickly cast cleaning and repairing charms before whispering, "Ogden's Fire Whiskey in a flask under the present table behind the middle leg. The flask looks like an old boot."

Remus nodded in appreciation.

"What was in the crate?" Snape asked.

Remus just shuddered and turned a whiter shade of pale, "You don't want to know," he shook his head as he stumbled over to find the flask, "you really don't want to know."

Snape watched to make sure Remus was going to be able to make it to the table. When he saw Remus bend over and then come up a few moments later looking slightly better Snape made is way to where Alexis and Molly were watching Draco and Ginny play with the boys.

Snape walked up behind Alexis and smirked as he watched Nathair try to shove a handful of grass up Draco's nose.

Draco calmly removed the grass and tickled the toddler's tummy.

Alexis looked back at Snape, "Time for the cake?"

Snape quirked an eyebrow at her reminding her that he was even more in the dark regarding this type of party ritual than she was.

Alexis then turned to the guru of all things to do with children, "Molly do you think it is time for the cake?"

Molly smiled, "You may want to open presents first as they will be very messy when they finish eating the cake and ice cream," she advised. "Why don't you take the boys over to the present table and I'll start sending everyone over there?"

Alexis nodded grateful that the Weasley matriarch was a natural leader. Ginny and Draco each assisted a birthday boy in walking over to the table laden with gifts.

Snape had been able to purchase a camera especially for the party at a twenty-five percent discount from Smiley's Camera Emporium. He and Remus had spent an entire evening figuring out how to work the thing. He had been out on the lawns the day before scouting out the perfect location for the photos according to the time of day that the events were supposed to occur. The tables for the presents and cake were set up so that they would get the best light for pictures from between two and three in the afternoon.

"Severus, hurry it up," Alexis hissed at him as he continued to fuss with the tripod and focus.

"It will take as long as it takes," he replied snidely, "I want to make sure that everything is perfect."

"Where's Colin Creevey when you need him?" Ron muttered from the crowd.

Snape's death glare was interrupted by his mad grab for his tripod as it slowly listed to one side and began to topple over.

Finally after innumerable adjustments Snape decreed that they could begin opening presents. Ginny and Draco woke the babies up and handed them their first presents. Nathair chuckled and stuck the corner of the box in his mouth and began gnawing on it. Aleser took one look at the garishly wrapped present and burst into loud wails. Snape snapped his first shot.

Several long minutes later and after much coaching and encouragement from Molly, the presents began to be opened. Dumbledore had given the boys matching play robes in bright purple with shooting silver stars across the bottoms.

Minerva had given them green tartan hats. Filius had provided them with play wands and the Weasley boys had given them toy brooms.

Remus and Amber's gifts were tiny toddler Quidditch robes. Snape waited until no one was looking and transfigured them from red and gold to green and silver. When Remus noticed he transfigured them back. Later that evening when Alexis was putting everything away she found the tiny sets and burst into laughter. The robes were a kaleidoscope of colors: primarily red, gold, green and silver but some of the colors had merged and combined to form new colors never before imagined by man or wizard. It was as if some mad tie-dying demon had gotten hold of them and run amuck.

He quickly finished the first roll of film and tried to reload the camera. He was hurrying because the boys were on a roll and were not inclined to wait for daddy. He felt like a pro as he slipped the second roll of film in the case and firmly pressed the back closed as he brought the camera up for the perfect shot of the boys hugging their new toy dragons. A muffled yelp brought Remus hurrying over.

"What?" Remus eyed Snape's grimace in concern, "Stop it Severus you are scaring the boys."

Snape's hands were shaking and his teeth were gritted, "Help me you fool," he muttered.

Remus looked down at the camera Snape was holding out to him, "Fine, I don't mind taking some photos. All you had to do was ask," he whispered back and took the camera from Snape. Snape came with the camera, or at least his left hand did. Remus winced as he saw that Snape had caught the webbing between his thumb and forefinger in the latch of the film compartment.

"Hold on Severus," Remus tried to release the catch and free Snape's skin, "It's stuck," he muttered pulling on it causing another muffled yelp from Snape, "Oops, sorry," Remus grimaced in apology and wiggled the latch more gently finally getting it to pop loose and release Snape.

"Thank you," Severus gritted out wanting desperately to suck on the sore spot on his hand.

Remus got a strange look on his face before whispering, "At least the flash is very bright and you didn't mar the black case."

Remus took a quick step back as Snape glared at him before returning to photographing the party.

The Malfoys had purchased both the boys controlling interest in a small wizarding company. Draco had bought them something on his own. He had found a child's set of Quidditch balls. They were charmed to work exactly the same as their larger counterparts just at slower speeds and both the quaffle and bludgers were made of a soft, springy material.

Hermione Granger, who was staying with the Weasleys, had won Snape's approval, although she would never know it, with her gift of tiny cauldrons and miniature sets of scales and weights.

Molly had knitted tiny jumpers and Arthur had included some Muggle children's books he had found. Hagrid's gifts were bundled into a cage and Remus and Snape had quietly agreed to release them back into a distant and secluded section of the Forbidden Forest.

After Hagrid's gifts Alexis lost track of the rest of the presents but Ginny Weasley was keeping a list so that thank you notes could be sent out.

The large stack of gifts was eventually exhausted as was Alexis' patience with Severus and his constant camera clicking. If he made her pretend to help the boys re-open one more present just so he could get a better shot she was going to stupefy him and prop him against a tree.

Molly and Amber picked up the tiny tots who were beginning to droop and carried them over to the table where the birthday cake waited. There was a large cake that was beautifully decorated with icing roses and the message spelled out in bright blue icing "Happy Birthday Nathair and Aleser". This time Remus insisted on taking the camera so that Snape and Alexis could help the boys blow out the candles.

Snape flicked his wand to light the candles on the big cake. Remus had been assisting Snape with the photo shoot and neither realized that the other had lost track of the Weasley twins.

When the candles started singing "Happy Birthday" Snape and Alexis exchanged looks each asking the other, "Did you do that? And why are there so many candles on the cake?"

Before they could do more than shake their heads the candles jumped free of the cake and began doing a conga around the top of the cake. The boys were laughing in delight so the bemused parents smiled over in thanks at Flitwick.

Filius however had such a look of impressed surprise that it was immediately evident that this was not his work.

The candle conga was getting faster and faster and Alexis was starting to become concerned because the faster the conga the higher the candle flames. When the candles decided to build a pyramid all the while happily singing Happy Birthday, Alexis waved everyone back from the edge of the table. But the pyramid was completed faultlessly, the dismount was perfect and the candles bowed as the audience clapped.

One of the candles had burned slightly brighter than its fellow candles and was rather lopsided. This caused it to overturn while completing the bow and knock the candle in front of it wick first into the icing. The candle went out with a sizzle. The rest of the candles gathered around their fallen comrade. Helping the prematurely snuffed candle up they began to advance upon the lopsided candle stopping only long enough to scoop up globs of icing. The lopsided candle was scurrying trying to hide behind an icing rose, but the remaining candles soon had him surrounded. An icing ball fight erupted and Alexis watched in horror as her perfectly decorated perfect birthday cake was reduced to a war torn landscape.

"Severus, do something?" she cried, "They are ruining the boys' cake," she was practically in tears.

Snape looked from his upset wife to his sons who were clapping and laughing at the antics of the candles, "Where's my camera?"

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It had taken the combined wand work of Severus, Flitwick and the Weasley twins before order was restored to the birthday cake. Alexis stared in stunned disbelief at the tattered remains of what had once been a glorious cake. Fred and George were supervising the removal of the remaining candles while Snape and Flitwick were trying to reattach some of the icing roses that had been used as ammunition.

Snape stepped back to check out the repair work. The cake now said "Hap B y Na r Al" and there were holes where the candles had actually broken through the icing covering and had started lobbing bits of cake at each other. Snape and Flitwick had filled them in as best they could. It was a very different cake than the one that the house elves had originally placed on the table. Snape noticed something sticking up slightly from behind a rose. Levitating it revealed that it was the original lopsided candle which was now nothing more than a wick and runny wax. Holding the candle gingerly by the wick in front of him Snape turned to the waiting crowd, "Cake anyone?"

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It was midnight and Nathair and Aleser had finally crashed from their sugar rush and were fast asleep. Alexis had collapsed on the couch and Snape was sprawled out next to her.

"I can't believe it is finally over," Snape muttered as he rubbed at a strange blue stain on the back of his left hand. "What type of dye did they use in that icing?" he asked irritably.

"I really don't know," Alexis sighed, "And right this very minute I really don't care."

Snape grunted his agreement and contemplated the inside of his eyeballs, "We really should go to bed before we both fall asleep right here."

Alexis huffed out a breath, "As usual you are right. Thank Merlin, Circe and Agrippa that it will be a whole year before we have to do this again."

Snape shot straight up as though stuck with a pin and in a horrified voice, "We have to do this again?"


	40. Chapter 40 Kids Collards and Conundrums

Disclaimer: Not mine.

**Chapter 40 Kids, Collards and Conundrums **

_**Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. **_

_**Anonymous**_

It was the morning after the boys' party and Snape was curled up around Alexis nuzzling her neck. "Mmmmm, that feels good," Alexis arched to give him better access, "but the boys will be up soon. It will have to be a quickie," she snuggled her bottom in invitation.

Snape's lip trailed down to her shoulder. "I had a word with Slinky and Merry last night," he nipped her lightly causing her to moan softly, "and they will care for the boys for an hour," his hands were busy moving her nightgown out of the way, "or two," he almost had it all the way off, "maybe even three."

Alexis giggled and turned in his arms to capture his lips when suddenly the bed shook and a deafening roar came from the parlor.

Snape leaped from bed grabbing his wand and ran from the bedroom quickly followed by Alexis. They burst into the living room with wands poised only to find Slinky and Merry each holding a boy and sitting on the floor with a strange contraption in front of them. A tinny voice was coming from the box, "The Dragon says, '**ROAR'**." The rafters shook as the same loud noise came again. Nathair and Aleser laughed and clapped their hands.

"Heres is a different one for young masters," Slinky said as he adjusted a knob on the box and pushed a lever. "The Grim says…" Alexis and Snape clapped their hands over their ears as a deep booming bark flooded the room. Again the boys just laughed, "'ky" Nathair demanded.

Snape hurried over and grabbed Slinky's arm before he could complete the move and set off the contraption, "Stop at once," he growled.

"Dada," Aleser hollered and raised his arms to be picked up.

"Dada," Nathair demanded pointing at the box, "dada."

"No absolutely not," Snape tried to control his snarl.

Nathair scowled at his father as he pointed again at the box, "Dada!"

Alexis tried to hide a grin. Nathair looked exactly like Snape when one of the first years was being particularly dense.

"No," Snape returned the scowl with interest.

Nathair's scowl darkened and his tiny hands clenched into fists, "DADA!" he screamed.

Aleser's lips began to quiver as he looked from his scowling father to his equally scowling brother.

Snape took a step closer to his rebellious son who proceeded to do what any one year old would do when thwarted by his parents: he dropped to the floor and screamed bloody murder while kicking his legs and flailing his arms.

Snape scooped the screaming infant up and marched into the nursery where he dropped him into his crib. Walking from the room he placed a silencing charm that immediately cut off the ear splitting cries.

Alexis scooped up the teary-eyed Aleser and cuddled him a moment before handing him over to Merry, "Why don't you play with your stuffed dragon, sweetie?" Merry took him over to the pile of stuffed animals.

Alexis watched as Aleser kept casting glances over to the nursery where his brother had been banished.

Slinky had slunk into the nursery to keep an eye on Nathair, although firm looks from both Alexis and Snape had convinced him not to comfort the tiny terror.

"Oh boy," Alexis plopped down on the couch, "We need to nip that in the bud." She giggled to Snape's disgust. Seeing his glare she defended herself, "It's just that he looked so much like you."

Snape glowered at her.

She burst into laughter, "Yes, that is the look. The exact same look he had on his face when you told him no."

Snape settled beside her and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, "And just who do we have to thank for that monstrosity?" Snape pointed at the toy that had instigated the tantrum.

Alexis stifled her laughter and muttered something.

"Who?" Snape asked again.

"That gift was signed from Pookie," Alexis' eyes gleamed with laughter.

"I should have known," Snape growled.

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Snape and Alexis had taken the boys out to the Quidditch pitch so that they could play with their new toys. Alexis was unsurprised to see Remus and Amber pushing Cynthia in her tram coming towards them.

Remus gave Alexis a hasty peck on her cheek in hello before hurrying over to where Snape was helping the boys kit out in their new Quidditch gear which was now in Slytherin green and silver.

"So Remus dragged you out here too?" Alexis asked Amber as they settled on a blanket at the edge of the field.

"Yes," Amber sighed in amused resignation as she settled Cynthia on the blanket between them and cast a sunscreen charm over the baby.

"I'm surprised and impressed that they managed to wait this long," Alexis commented.

"Let's see," Amber quickly calculated, "two weeks and three days. By the way, how was the boys' annual checkup with Poppy?"

Alexis looked concerned for a moment, "You have to promise not to say a word to either Remus or Severus."

Amber frowned, "Alexis, if it is something serious you can't keep it from Severus; he's the boys' father."

"No, the boys are healthy as young thestrals," Alexis reassured her. "It is something else. Poppy just mentioned it and told me not to worry about it and gave me some suggestions. I just really don't want Severus to find out."

"Alexis you can't keep secrets," Amber cautioned her.

"Oh I'll tell him," Alexis muttered, "just as soon as it becomes a non-issue. Promise you won't say anything to him." Alexis pleading eyes were more than Amber could stand.

"Spill," Amber said as put her hand over her liver, "Witch's word."

Alexis was puzzled, "Shouldn't your hand be over your heart?"

Amber looked indignant, "If it is important enough to demand a heart promise than you had bloody well better tell your husband about it and right now."

"No, no," Alexis reassured her, "A liver promise is fine."

"It better be," Amber huffed.

Alexis resolved to ask Severus at the earliest opportunity what the difference was, "Poppy says that the boys are developmentally behind their peers," Alexis was tugging on strands of grass and refused to meet her friend's eyes.

"In what way?" Amber put on her healer's face.

"Poppy says that by this age a normal wizarding child usually has more than a three word vocabulary," Alexis looked up, "My kids are stupid."

Amber shook her head, "No they aren't. And if you think about it they have a five word vocabulary." At Alexis' questioning look, "Mama, Dada, No, 'luddy and 'ell."

Alexis gave her a disapproving look, "This is serious Amber. Now do you see why I can't tell Severus?"

"Not really," Amber replied.

"Severus is brilliant. He is a genius," Alexis said despondently, "So their stupidity must come from me."

Amber tried not to laugh, "What did Poppy tell you to do?"

"I'm to read to them more," Alexis answered, "talk to them, stuff like that."

"I'll help," Amber offered, "we can each read to them for an hour or so each day."

Alexis smiled, "Thanks," they both looked up as Remus and Severus' conversation began to heat up, "When we purchased these outfits," Remus started.

"You must have been blind," Severus cut in, "or else the shop keeper tricked you into purchasing…"

It was Remus' turn to cut Severus off, "They were a perfectly acceptable shade of red and gold. I must insist on returning them since the colors have so obviously faded to green and silver."

Snape snorted, "I am perfectly happy with the way they are now," he put an especially strong emphasis on now.

Before the discussion could escalate Alexis called out, "There are two of them."

The two wizards turned to stare at her in stunned disbelief.

Alexis gave them an impatient look, "One in gold and one in green," she clarified.

After a few moments more wrangling Nathair was dressed in red and gold and Aleser in green and silver.

Nathair looked from his new outfit to his father's robes with the green and silver Slytherin badge, "NO!"

Aleser looked down at his green and silver robes and over to where his brother was wearing red and gold, "NO!"

Severus and Remus exchanged looks of puzzlement.

Nathair toddled up to his father, "No," and began pulling at the offending robes.

"See, Lupin," Severus smirked, "even one-year-olds know which house is better."

Remus smiled back before pointing at Aleser, "I see what you mean."

Aleser had stripped down to his diaper and was toddling around the pitch laughing in delight as he fell to the ground only to get back up and do it all over again.

Snape watched in stunned disbelief as his son's diaper drooped and then dropped leaving Aleser the youngest streaker Hogwarts had ever seen. Before he could react, Nathair had joined his brother and another little bare tush was running around. Amber hollered, "Don't look, Remus!" But it was too late. He'd already been mooned. Flashed him right there in front of  
the Slytherin stands. Alexis and Amber were rolling with laughter. Remus and Snape turned to glare at them.

"Oh Severus, you had better stop him," Alexis stopped laughing long enough to direct Snape's attention to where Nathair had suddenly stopped in front of the Hufflepuff stands and was relieving himself.

Snape looked at Remus and shrugged, "Never did much care for the Hufflepuffs myself."

High up in the castle Albus was chuckling as he watched from a window. Minerva walked over, "Exactly what is so funny Albus?" she demanded.

Albus handed her the omnioculars and directed her attention to the Quidditch Pitch. After a long look Minerva's lips were twitching, "I don't know Albus, is it safe for Remus to be out there with **two** full moons?"

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Remus and Snape had gathered the two budding naturalists and returned them to their diapers. Alexis had offered a suggestion of putting Nathair in green and Aleser in red.

Snape looked vaguely disgruntled at the sight of Aleser happily playing in his red and gold gear.

Now they had the two toy brooms and they were trying to get the boys to ride them. Alexis was biting her lip remembering her first broom lesson.

Amber patted her hand. "They are perfectly safe," she consoled, "the brooms won't go higher than a meter from the ground and they don't go much faster than a brisk walk."

Alexis nodded although she didn't feel all that reassured. It was fun watching Severus and Remus helping to hold the two tiny boys onto the miniature brooms and hurrying along beside them.

After about thirty minutes Alexis' concern had shifted, "Maybe we better call them over to rest?"

"The twins are fine," Amber laughed.

"I know they are but look at our husbands," Alexis replied indicating the two red faced, sweating, and panting men.

"You may be right," Amber observed. "Remus, why don't you and Severus bring the boys over for some juice?"

Alexis added her voice, "Yes, Severus, the boys look like they may be getting too hot."

Remus and Snape nodded tiredly and urged the two riders over to the blanket. The twin's protests were soon quieted with cups of juice and cookies.

Snape and Remus were both laid out on the blanket, arms over their eyes. Alexis cast a breeze charm on both of them to help them cool off.

"Don't you think you've had enough for today?" Alexis realized her mistake as soon as the words fell from her lips. "I mean the boys," she said hastily, "don't you think the boys have had enough?"

Snape levered himself up onto one arm and glared at her, "Do you think I cannot play Quidditch with my sons? Perhaps you think I am too old and feeble to enjoy a game?"

Alexis refrained from pointing out that his arm was trembling from trying to support his weight and that they hadn't even started playing Quidditch yet, "No, of course not Severus," she tried a conciliatory tone, "but Quidditch is not a game that is learned in a day. I think the boys have made a good start on the basics."

Snape looked unconvinced, "They haven't even had a chance to play with the Quidditch ball set that Draco got them."

"I know," Alexis said, "but maybe you should save that fun for another day. We were just talking about how we had to stop spoiling them."

Snape nodded slowly sure that he was being patronized but too tired to object any further.

Later that evening Alexis was trying very hard not to giggle as she ministered to her husband. She gently rubbed a soothing cream into his sunburned skin. Snape scowled at her, "Not one word," he hissed.

Alexis bit her lip and nodded trying to look solemn. When she had covered the red, hot skin she went to toss the jar away.

"Did you use all of it?" Snape asked snarkily.

"Well it was a rather large area to cover," Alexis said not meeting his eyes.

Snape turned on his heel and stormed into the bedroom. Alexis followed him unable to resist, "Severus, you really should have thought to cast a sunscreen charm."

Snape glared at her, "As I was adequately covered by my robes I didn't think I would need one."

Alexis' eyes gleamed with suppressed laughter as she looked at her disgruntled husband before turning back to the parlor and singing a tune curiously inappropriate for August and making up the words as she went along, "Severus the red nosed Potions Professor had a very shiny nose…"

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Snape looked around in distaste. Alexis had talked him into taking her to lunch in London. He hadn't objected to the lunch; it was her choice of restaurants that had him so displeased. Instead of eating lunch in Diagon Alley like normal people, she had insisted that they dress as Muggles and eat in a Muggle restaurant. Casting a careful eye over the clientele he realized that at least he wouldn't have to worry about running into any Death Eaters.

And a look at his beaming wife was enough to convince him that he could put up with all of this Muggleness for an hour.

Alexis began to study the menu, "It is nice to just get away for a little while."

Snape nodded as he tried to determine what on the menu was least likely to poison them. He paused to do a mental inventory of the potions he always carried with him, yes he did have the general all-purpose antidote and of course he always carried a bezoar. Better to be safe than sorry though, because while some poisons actually were quite tasty, all the antidotes were foul.

Alexis looked up from the menu at the couple sitting two tables over from them. It was obvious they were tourists from the cameras, shopping bags, maps and tour guides all around them. She grinned as she heard the man say in a distinctive Southern drawl, "Ahh told yew thar was no way they would have sweet tea."

"Ahh know, Bobby Joe, and yew were right wern'tcha," the woman drawled back at him, "Didja' see the way that waiter was lookin' at you when you asked him."

Bobby Joe snickered, "Usedta be a time I woulda' wailed the tar otta someone fer lookin' at me like that."

"But now yer all matured aintcha'," she snickered back at him.

"I jest wanted our second honeymoon ta be purfect," he took her hand across the table, "and you wanted some sweet tea Tommie Sue."

Alexis waved over their waiter and ordered two strong pots of tea, an empty pitcher, a pitcher filled with ice, two cups of sugar, a plate of sliced lemons, a long spoon and two tall glasses filled with ice.

Snape quirked an eyebrow at her as the puzzled waiter hurried off to fill the strange woman's order. Alexis smiled at him and he went back to his menu determined not to give her the satisfaction of asking.

Both the waiter and Snape watched Alexis as she proceeded to pour the steaming hot tea into one of the large plastic pitcher. She then mixed in the sugar and stirred it until it was totally dissolved and then poured the hot tea into the pitcher with ice. After garnishing the glasses with lemon slices she told the waiter, "Please deliver this to the couple over there with my compliments."

The waiter looked at her as if she were crazy.

"I promise if they don't appreciate it, I will make it right," she slipped him a couple of pound notes and he reluctantly placed the pitcher and the glasses back on the tray and took them over to the table.

"What was that all about?" Snape asked as they watched the couple's pleased surprise when presented with sweet tea.

"Don't try to offer me anything, what it comes right down to baby, don't tempt me; I'm where I wanna be 'cause on the eighth day, God made sweet tea," Alexis looked over at him and laughed as he looked even more puzzled, "Just quoting a song. They remind me of before…" Alexis trailed off.

Snape continued to look puzzled until the waiter came up to take their order.

They were almost finished when the sweet tea couple came up to the table. Snape stared in fascination at their attire. The first thing he noticed was that the man's belt buckle was the size of a salad plate. The wide leather belt was holding up blue jeans and he was wearing cowboy boots. His cotton button up shirt had mother of pearl buttons and was a red check. He carried a baseball cap in one hand along with most of the shopping bags. His hair was cropped short in the front and sides and left long in the back.

The woman was wearing shorts and sandals with a t-shirt printed with the Tower of London. It wasn't her clothes so much that startled Snape as it was her hair. It fell to her shoulders in stiff waves and the front and top was teased up about five inches. She was standing directly under a ceiling fan and not a hair on her head was moving.

"We jes wanted ta thank y'all fer sendin' over tha tea," the woman smiled shyly.

Snape tried to puzzle through what she had just said. About all he could catch was 'tea.'

Alexis smiled at the couple, "It was my pleasure. I hope you are enjoying your trip to London."

"Yes'm," the man said nodding quickly.

"Bobby Joe, won this'er trip by playing tha lotto," the woman bragged.

Again, Snape tried to interpret the strange language the couple was speaking. Some of the words sounded vaguely like English but they were so badly mangled he really couldn't tell.

"Congratulations," Alexis beamed at them, "Where in America do you live?"

"How'd'jew know we're from America?" Bobby Joe asked.

"Your belt buckle," Alexis nodded at the impossible to miss accessory, "it says 'Proud to Be an American'."

"Oh yeah," Bobby Joe blushed while Tommie Sue jabbed him in the side with a well placed elbow.

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Alexis was fuming, "How could you ask her that?"

"It was a perfectly reasonable question," Snape defended himself.

"It was rude," Alexis insisted as they headed toward 12 Grimmauld Place.

"She didn't seem to mind," Snape stated, "And it's not as if I even understood what she said. Aqua Net: what the bloody hell is an aqua net? Is it a net to hold water?" Snape shook his head, "That wouldn't make any sense."

"How could you tell she didn't mind?" Alexis demanded, "You claim you couldn't understand them."

"I comprehended maybe one in three words those two uttered," Snape sneered. "Exactly what language were they speaking?"

"They were speaking English," Alexis hissed at him. She had noticed that they were collecting some looks from their fellow pedestrians.

"English?" Snape sniffed. "Preposterous, in what English dictionary do you find the words: usedtacud, mitecud, yuwanta, and of course summatch."

"You know, you do that rather well," Alexis grinned at him.

"I do all things well," Snape sneered at her with a smirk playing across his lips.

"They are from one of the southern states in the U.S.A. and that is the accent," Alexis paused here, "with which a lot of them speak."

"And what was that you were muttering as they walked off?" Snape wanted to know, "What does party and fish have to do with each other?"

Alexis thought for a moment before she realized what he was referring to, "Bobby Joe's hair style is called a mullet: business in the front and paarrttee'," Alexis deliberately drawled the last word, "in the back."

"What type of hairstyle is named after a fish?" Snape groused.

They had reached their destination and Alexis gave him one more exasperated look. "I still can't believe you asked that of Tommie Sue."

Snape looked down his long nose at her and quirked an eyebrow as he prepared to ring the bell.

"Really, Severus," Alexis grinned and shook her head, "I guess you didn't offend them too much since we have an invitation to stay with them if we are ever in Ludiwici, Georgia." Alexis chuckled, "But really, did you have to ask her how'd you get your hair up that high?"

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Harry was looking for some place to be alone. The hearing at the Ministry regarding his use of underage magic in front of Muggles was tomorrow. Harry snuck into the library. They had finished cleaning it a couple of days ago so it should be safe enough. Harry settled into a worn and ratty leather armchair and was staring into the unlit fireplace when a muffled thump had him turning suddenly.

"Hello Harry," Alexis Snape smiled at him.

"Sorry Mrs. Snape, I didn't know anyone was here," Harry stuttered and tried not to stare.

Alexis grinned at him although it looked rather strange considering her position. Harry was trying to remember if he had ever seen her in jeans and a t-shirt before. Alexis was still smiling although her face was very flushed, "Not a problem Harry."

Harry shrugged and then his curiosity got the better of him, "Excuse me Mrs. Snape."

"You may call me Alexis during the summer, Harry," she beamed at him.

"Okay, Alexis," Harry said slowly. "Can I ask what you are doing?"

"Of course you may," Alexis replied genially.

Harry waited a moment before noticing Alexis' smirk and asking, "Mrs. …Alexis, what are you doing?"

"I am trying to meditate," she replied, "by doing some yoga."

Harry looked at the strange position she was in, "But isn't that uncomfortable?"

"Extremely," Alexis grimaced.

Harry winced at the expression on Alexis' face. She was upside down with her head on a pillow. Her legs formed a pretzel with her feet resting on her upper thighs.

"Then why are you still doing it?" Harry had temporarily forgotten his worries.

Alexis gave him a considering look, "Harry, can I trust you?"

Harry nodded solemnly.

"You promise you won't tell anyone?" she continued.

Harry nodded again.

"I'm stuck," Alexis confessed, "Will you help me?"

Harry tried to stifle his laughter.

"Go ahead and laugh," Alexis huffed as Harry hurried over to her and helping her to lower her bottom half onto the floor. He then helped her untangle her legs and watched as she tried to rub some circulation back into her legs, "You may not believe it after this demonstration," Harry laughed as Alexis continued, "but it really does help to clear your head."

Harry was practically rolling on the floor at that statement.

Alexis shoved him and got up and hobbled over to a chair, "I'm glad I could be so entertaining," she said dryly.

Harry was having trouble catching his breath. When he had finally stopped laughing and was just grinning up at her from his position sprawled on the floor, Alexis continued, "Meditation helps me to bring things into sharper focus," she gave him a considering look, "some days I feel like a stranger in my own skin. As if I'm living someone else's life and having someone else's dreams."

Harry had sobered up at this statement and he nodded slowly perfectly understanding what she meant, "Yeah, I get that feeling myself sometimes."

"If you want to," Alexis offered softly, "I could show you how to meditate."

Harry looked surprised, "No offense Alexis, but I don't think I could do that," Harry added a vague wave at the corner of the room where Alexis' cushion still rested.

Alexis laughed, "How about if I show you a method that doesn't involve folding up like a pretzel and standing on your head?"

Harry nodded cautiously.

"Honestly Harry, that was the first time I tried that position and I don't think I will ever try it again," Alexis confessed as she summoned some cushions.

"Alright Harry, make yourself comfortable," Alexis tossed him a couple of cushions. "We'll try a simple breathing meditation."

Harry flopped down.

"Not quite that comfortable," Alexis said to the teen sprawled on the floor, "you have to sit with your back straight." After Harry complied, "Now try to clear your mind. Go ahead and close your eyes and just concentrate on your breathing. Breath in and out. In and out."

Harry's eyes popped open.

"It's ok, Harry," Alexis said soothingly. "It is going to be difficult at first to clear your mind. Just close your eyes again and focus on your breathing. Don't allow your thoughts to distract you." Harry wiggled on his cushion and Alexis continued with her instructions, "You are just finding out exactly how busy your mind is. Try to stay focused on your breathing."

Harry spent a few more moments wiggling and then he started scratching his nose. After a few more moments he was sitting calmly and serenely on his cushion. It only lasted five minutes before someone set off Mrs. Black's portrait and the resulting chaos squelched any further attempt at meditation.

Alexis tousled Harry's hair, "I tell you what…" Harry looked at her shyly causing her to pause before continuing. "Why don't you practice that until you get back to school? Once term starts again, you and I can get together and work on the breathing meditation and if you find it helps we can try other types."

Harry nodded. He wasn't sure it would help but right now he was willing to try anything.

Alexis put a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Harry, this next year is going to be especially difficult for you," she squeezed his shoulder when he tensed and turned his head away, "Fifth year is a difficult year for any student with the O.W.L.s and then there is the fact that you are fifteen. You, as usual, are a special case," Alexis nudged his chin so that he would look at her. "You went through something last year no one else can possibly understand. If you ever want to talk or get away from everyone or anything like that you know where to find me."

Harry nodded slightly while giving her a considering look.

"Now onto something a tad more serious," Alexis said casting a look around the room.

"What?"

"Will you help me find my shoes? I think Kreacher may have run off with them."

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Alexis and Snape were sitting on the love seat snuggled together. Each had their own book that they were reading, the boys were playing quietly on the floor in front of them and all in all it was a pleasant afternoon.

Severus leaned forward and picked up a goblet from the coffee table. Taking a swallow he immediately spit it back into the glass, "Great Merlin's hairy balls, what is that?"

Alexis looked at him, "Severus, that was my glass and now you've ruined it," she complained taking it from him.

Giving her a suspicious look, "Alexis, you are not drinking pancake syrup again are you?"

Alexis flushed at the reminder of one of her cravings, "No," she stated firmly as she banished the contents of her glass and then cast a cleaning charm on it. She then refilled it from one of the two pitchers, "It is just sweet tea."

Snape shuddered in the memory of the taste of the overly sweet drink. Slinky popped in interrupting whatever Snape was going to say. Slinky was carrying a covered tray, "Where would miss like mes to put this?" he asked cheerfully.

Alexis cleared a space on the table and Slinky deposited his burden.

"What exactly is that?" Snape queried.

"Just a snack," Alexis smiled as she served Aleser and Nathair milk and toast fingers along with some pieces of orange.

"No I mean that," Snape pointed at a bowl of strange looking white stuff.

Alexis scooped it up with glee and lifting the tops off of several more dishes unearthed butter, cheese, and a strange thin brown liquid. Snape blanched as she liberally added all three to the white lump. She almost moaned as she took a huge bite of the disgusting looking mixture, "Want some?" she offered.

"I try not to eat that which I cannot name," Snape said.

"This," Alexis took another mouthful and closed her eyes in bliss before swallowing and continuing, "is cheese grits with red eye gravy."

"Red eye of what gravy," Snape asked slightly worried. Certain eyes were poisonous if not prepared properly.

"No eyeballs," Alexis reassured before resuming her snack, "Is there any ham or greens there?"

Snape looked from the tray to his wife, "No there is no ham and nothing even remotely green is on the tray."

Alexis nodded in disappointment, "How about fried catfish or stewed tomatoes and okra?"

Snape asked repulsed, "Cat fish?"

Alexis was looking at what was on the tray, "I guess my order hasn't arrived yet."

"Your order of what?" Snape said still looking slightly ill.

"I just ordered a few items," Alexis said evasively.

"Like what?"

"Some Virginia ham, and some collard greens, and some hush puppy mix," Alexis trailed off at the look on Snape's face," as well as a few other things."

Snape looked at the nauseating mess she was eating. "Alexis I really have to draw the line at puppy mix." He paused for a moment, "Although if you would like to make dog mix using Pookie," he sneered as he said the name, "I could possibly support that."

Alexis stared at him for a moment, "Hush puppies, Severus, do not contain either puppies or dogs. That is just disgusting."

Snape nodded his agreement, "It all sounds disgusting. Would you please find some place else to eat it?"

Alexis looked hurt for a moment before nodding slowly in agreement.

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Sirius looked up in surprise at the knock on his kitchen door. He had stopped by the kitchen to wash up after feeding Buckbeak. Opening the door he found Alexis, the twins, a young house elf with a very disapproving look on his face, and a large shopping bag.

"Can we come in?" Alexis asked.

"Sure," Sirius stepped back and waved them in.

"Sirius," Alexis started, "I need a favor please."

Sirius took Aleser from her arms, "What?"

"Can I borrow your kitchen to cook a few things?" she asked in a rush.

"I beg your pardon," Sirius shook his head.

"I want to cook some things I have been craving," Alexis explained.

"And you can't do that at Hogwarts?"

"The house elves won't let me," Alexis replied mournfully.

"That is right Mistress," came a squeaky voice, "Mistress not supposed to cook that is elves' work."

"I know Slinky," Alexis' tone was conciliatory, "but I want to make some stuff the old fashioned way."

Sirius was still looking at her as if she were crazy but he shrugged, "It's no skin off my nose."

Alexis beamed at him while Slinky just shook his head.

Slinky hurried over to an out of the way corner and with a snap of his fingers it was so clean it shined. Alexis placed a playpen charm on the area and settled Nathair with his toys.

Sirius expanded the area and transfigured one of the kitchen chairs into a rocking chair and prepared to enjoy the babies.

Alexis opened up the bag and pulled out a huge pot. Filling it with water she pulled several large onions out of the bag and a package wrapped in butcher paper. A quick charm had the onions chopped and in the pot along with the spare ribs that had been in the package.

Sirius stared in disbelief at all the items she kept pulling out of the bag. The bag must have a bottomless charm on it to hold everything.

She pulled another huge pot out of the bag and turned to look at Slinky, "Are you sure you can do this?"

Slinky looked at her and nodded, "I is being able to do this."

"Ok Slinky, but we don't want to burn the house down because if the grease gets too hot it will catch on fire."

"I is being cooking since before you is being born," Slinky asserted looking slightly insulted.

Alexis didn't look completely convinced.

Slinky huffed out, "I is knowing the extinguishing charm for grease fires Miss."

Alexis nodded and Slinky floated the huge pot and several containers of cooking oil out the back door.

Alexis went back to her bag and began pulling out turkeys. She had five on the table and was rummaging around in the bag. "I know it is here somewhere," she muttered, "now where did it get to."

Sirius watched amused as she almost disappeared into the bag. He was considering getting up and giving her a push just to see what would happen when she stood back up and pulled several jars and a large cylinder with a sharp needle like point attached to one end out.

"Gotcha!" she said triumphantly. Looking over at Sirius she gave him a considering look. She had sorted out the jars on the table putting one in front of each Turkey and had two left over. She swapped out two of the jars and cast a cleaning charm on the turkeys. She opened one of the jars and stuck the pointy thing into it and began to draw the top up pulling the liquid from the jar into the cylinder.

Sirius watched and winced as she jabbed the hapless bird with the sharp needle and forced the liquid into the turkey, "What are you doing?"

"Seasoning the birds," Alexis replied absently as she repeated the process until all the liquid in the jar had been injected into the turkey. She quickly seasoned the remaining birds just as Slinky opened the back door.

"I's ready," he called.

Alexis floated the turkeys to him and Sirius watched the parade of birds disappear into his back garden.

After washing her hands Alexis proceeded to pull two gold foil wrapped packages out and place them in wire racks on the table, "What's that?" Sirius asked.

"Spiral sliced honey baked ham," Alexis said in a reverent tone.

Alexis started another large pot of water on the stove and threw something in that Sirius couldn't see before pulling a huge bunch of large green leaves out of the bag. She cast cleaning charms on them before washing them at the sink.

"And what is that?"

"Collard greens," Alexis responded as she began cutting the leaves into thin strips, "I got Professor Sprout to grow me some. She magically enhanced them to grow quickly." Alexis added the sliced green leaves to the pot and then sprinkled them with a bit of sugar.

After checking on the pot of spareribs she began pulling bottles and spice jars out of the bag. A large bowl was retrieved and she began mixing up apple cider vinegar, cayenne pepper, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, brown sugar and salt and pepper she then cast a cooking charm on it. When it was finished she dipped a clean spoon in and tasted it. Grabbing another spoon she dipped that one and walked over to where Sirius was rocking Nathair and Aleser, "What do you think?" she asked holding the spoon out to Sirius.

Sirius opened his mouth to refuse and she stuck the spoon in. The taste was surprisingly good, "I can't tell, how about another taste?"

Alexis laughed and put the bowl to one side to sit, "That's all I needed to hear."

"What?" Sirius tried to look insulted.

"If you want another taste it must be good," Alexis began pulling more items out. She was soon surrounded by pie plates. She looked from the flour bag to her clothes, "You don't happen to have an apron?"

Sirius put the boys on the floor and gave them some toys to play with, "I doubt it: unless Molly brought some with her." He rummaged through a drawer and pulled out an apron before tossing it to her.

"Thanks," Alexis caught it and soon had it on and the flour in the bowl.

"What are you making now?" Sirius wondered over keeping one eye on the sauce bowl.

"Pies," she was succinct as she began cutting the butter into the dry ingredients.

"What type?" Snape was trying to distract her.

"Pecan, Key Lime, and sweet potato," Alexis listed them, "and if your finger goes into that bowl it won't come out," she threatened without looking at him. Sirius hastily pulled back the offending digit. Alexis soon had all but three of the pie tins filled with pie crusts. Sirius just stood back and watched her work in amazement.

Soon the aromas drifting up from the kitchen had the rest of the household members sniffing around the kitchen. When Ron saw all the food Ginny had to hand him a napkin to keep the drool from making a puddle on the floor.

When George tried to sneak a taste there was a large crack and he was nursing sore fingers, "What was that for?" he complained.

"Mine," Alexis smirked.

"What?" came the outraged cries from the teens present.

"Mine," Alexis reiterated, "I bought it, I cooked it and I am going to eat it."

There were wide-eyed stares at the amount of food spread all over the kitchen. Ron had been reduced to whimpering in a corner.

Alexis was humming as she finished garnishing the Key Lime pies. Slinky opened the back door and levitated in five perfectly cooked turkeys.

"What did you do to those turkeys?" Hermione asked.

"Deep fried them," Alexis replied as she set out platters for Slinky to put the birds on.

"That sounds disgusting," Harry said.

Hermione was looking intrigued, "I read about that in a book on cooking in America. It is supposed to be very good," she said this last doubtfully.

"It is some of the best turkey you will ever taste," Alexis smiled at her, "Want to try it?"

Hermione nodded after a moment's consideration. Alexis carved a slice and put it on a plate, "Let it cool a minute."

All the Weasleys, Harry and Sirius were staring in rapt attention as Hermione brought the bite of meat up to her mouth. There were a few winces as she placed it between her lips. As soon as the flavor touched her taste buds her eyes widened and then closed as she slowly chewed the tasty, juicy meat.

"Hey why does she get to try it?" Ron was practically in tears.

"You really want to try all these strange dishes?" Alexis asked the group at large.

"Well maybe not all of them," Ron was looking at the bowl of wilted greens.

"If you eat any of it you have to at least try all of it," Alexis bargained.

"How much?" Ron asked cautiously.

The rest were letting Ron bargain realizing that Ron's strength lay in his stomach.

"A spoonful of each dish," Alexis bargained.

"A small spoonful," Ron countered.

Alexis held out her hand, "Deal," they said as they shook.

The room erupted into cheers as Molly and Arthur swung the door open, "And just what is going on here?"

"I cooked dinner Molly," Alexis smiled.

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Snape was tired of waiting for Alexis to find her way home. He stalked into the kitchen at 12 Grimmauld Place to find the remnants of what looked to have been a bacchanalian feast.

"Severus," Alexis beamed up at him, "you are just in time for pudding," Alexis made as if to get up and serve him.

Snape sneered over at Black. Sirius was too stuffed to do more than give him a belch, "'scuse me," he muttered before yawning. Ron had barbeque sauce smeared liberally over his face and he was chewing on the end of a spare rib and was ignoring everyone else in the room. Aleser and Nathair were seated with Ginny between them and Fred and George on either side. They were in highchairs and clad only in diapers. Snape started for a moment. Both boys were totally smeared with a red substance. They had even gotten some in their hair. They were contentedly sucking on the ends of spare ribs. Snape's glare intensified.

Molly smiled over at Alexis, "Severus, I had no idea Alexis was such an accomplished cook. Imagine knowing all of those American dishes."

Snape looked over as his wife brought him two small slivers of pie, "Sorry dear, this is all that is left."

Arthur said helpfully, "There is a whole lime pie on the side board."

"I was saving that for Albus. I thought it would make a nice change from his lemon drops," Alexis said.

"It is too bad you couldn't join us, Severus," Arthur said genially. "This was some of the best food I've ever eaten. Although I have to admit that while the crackling corn bread was good, my absolute favorite was the fried turkey. I think there might be a bit of breast left if you would like to try it."

Before Snape could object Alexis was holding out a fork with the last of the fried turkey. His eyes promised retribution later from putting him in this position as he grudgingly took the fork and ate the meat. Alexis smirked in satisfaction as she watched him register the taste and cast a hungry look at the turkey carcasses littering the table. He almost growled as he saw Sirius grab the last remaining wing and begin gnawing on it.

"Here Professor," Hermione offered. "There are some more hush puppies too."

Snape glared over at Sirius who was making a big show out of eating the last remaining turkey wing, "I'll leave those for Black. Perhaps they will live up to their name and silence a certain mutt."

Harry glared at Snape while Sirius laughed, "All the better, more for the rest of us."

Alexis broke the glaring contest between Harry and Snape as she handed him the plate with the pie on it. Whispering so only he could hear, "You told me to find somewhere else to eat."

"Yes," he hissed back at her as he stabbed the fork into the pie, "But did it have to be here?"

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Snape was in a snit. He and Alexis had returned to Hogwarts with the boys and Slinky. Alexis was ignoring his mood and was humming a happy little tune as she quickly prepared the twins for bed.

"Are you hungry?" Alexis smiled at her husband who was brooding in the parlor. "I could get Merry to bring you something from the kitchen, perhaps a sandwich?" That question earned her a glare.

"Exactly why did you cook for the Weasley's, Potter, Black and company?" he asked icily. Before she could respond, "And just when did you learn to cook? And to cook like that?" He was now on his feet pacing back and forth in a right rant, "You can barely brew a proper potion and yet you cooked that feast?"

Alexis humphed at the comment about her not being able to brew a potion but Snape ignored her to continue. "I would think that as your husband you would have at least allowed me the chance to partake of your cooking. Instead I get the barest taste of turkey and two slivers of pie that are more a taunt than a proper taste."

Alexis walked over to her bag and began pulling containers out. Snape noticed what she was doing after his last rhetorical question had gone unremarked upon, "What are you doing now?"

"I am getting a snack ready," she replied not looking at him, "I have a feeling you are going to be going on about this for a while," now she turned to look him coolly in the eyes, "although **you** were the one who told me to find someplace else to eat."

Snape stopped his rant to reassess his arguments, "Be that as it may, you were the one going on about cat fish and stewed okra and tomatoes. At no time did you mention turkey or ham or pie in any way shape or form. I would have remembered."

Alexis gave him another cool look, "So, let me see if I understand this correctly, I am to give you a complete menu if I ever get the urge to cook again and then you will decide whether or not you wish to partake of the bounty of my culinary effort?"

Snape opened his mouth only to shut it abruptly, "Not exactly," he said carefully. His Slytherin side began to kick in, "I would have just appreciated being able to help you with this project."

Alexis' look told him she clearly wasn't falling for that one so he changed tactics, "I am devastated that you would have revealed your culinary skills to Black before allowing me the pleasure…" he realized that was perhaps over the top and finally opted for the truth. "Bloody hell, Alexis, that turkey was wonderful and all I got was the tiniest piece imaginable."

Alexis moved from in front of the table to reveal containers spread out containing generous amounts of all that she had cooked that day.

Snape helped himself to the food pleased to see there was a generous portion of turkey.

Alexis stayed his hand as he was about to spear a large slab of meat, "Just remember, Severus, next time _don't_ make me go to someone else for what I need."

Severus, his mouth stuffed with turkey and hush puppies was only able to get out a muffled, "Yes dear."

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AN: Thank you to everyone who is still reading the story and a special thank you to all who review. Reviews encourage me to keep going. Oh, I hope everyone likes the new longer chapters too.


	41. Meetings and Mayhem

Disclaimer: Not mine.

**Chapter 41 Meetings and Mayhem**

_"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."  
_Woody Allen

Lord Voldemort had summoned his faithful followers to attend him at Malfoy Manor. They were in the very bowels of the manor. Lucius had provided a raised dais and a chair that could only be called a throne.

The Dark Lord looked out upon his minions and smiled. Snape's blood ran cold.

"Ahhh," he hissed out, "It is so good to see you all again. I trust you have all been remembering our past association and what I expect from you?"

There were murmurs of agreement from the small crowd kneeling on the floor in front of the throne like chair their faces pressed firmly to the cold stone floor, "Excellent. Now a small test," a small gasp was the only response, "You know what I want," the monster whispered." No one moved, "Give it to me now!" he demanded.

Slowly all the men got to their feet, keeping their heads bowed. In unison they began to chant, "I," there was an indistinct mumble as everyone said their name," hereby acknowledge the following fundamental principals of my enslavement to Lord Voldemort henceforth referred to and known as The Dark Lord, My Lord and Master, my liege, my leader - my boss - is the one and only Dark Lord. Unto him I do pledge my troth and my undying fidelity and servitude. My heels shall have wings in the service of his every need. No other shall rule my deeds and words but Him. I shall always resist the various demagogic influences and temptations which are ever present in the word. When The Dark Lord calls he shall be provided with: food and beverages at all times. I will do all in my power to make sure that The Dark Lord's fruit salad is fresh and tasty, his pumpkin juice is fresh and ice cold, and that the stairs and hallways are free of mudblood waste and other unidentifiable schmutz, whatever its vile origins. I will do everything in my power to insulate the Dark Lord from the hexes and curses of outraged Aurors as they manifest themselves on a daily basis. I shall make it my business to ruthlessly ferret out and correct any "funny business" involved in the following areas: Muggle torture, Ministry Malfeasance, and Blood Traitor Murder. I shall be ever vigilant in my involvement in such unscrupulous dealings. I shall submit to random Occlumency screenings, so that he may know that I am reverent and clean in thought and action, and worthy of my responsible position in his enslavement. I understand clearly that there will be additions made to this oath as necessary and I shall cheerfully abide by whatever modifications and addenda The Dark Lord deems appropriate. If I should ever betray the Dark Lord may my magic have pity on me for he surely will not."

Voldemort rapped on the arm of this throne, "I am pleased that you have all remembered your oath. Now we can begin our meeting."

The Death Eaters settled back down on their knees with their foreheads pressed to the floor. Voldemort rubbed his hands together, "I, Lord Voldemort, do hereby call this meeting of the Death Eaters to order," he looked to Snape, "Mister Secretary?"

"Yes my lord," Snape answered.

"Do we constitute a quorum?" Voldemort asked.

Snape didn't have to even try to remember the by-laws. It only took one particular member being present to meet the necessary number for a quorum, "Yes my lord."

"Do I hear a motion to waive the reading of the minutes of the last meeting?" Voldemort asked in a threatening tone.

"I make said motion," Lucius' voice was muffled by the floor.

"I second the motion," Snape quickly offered.

"Good, good, any discussion? Motion made and carried to waive the reading of the minutes of the last meeting," Voldemort didn't wait for a response. "Now, Mister Treasurer?"

Lucius responded, "Yes My Lord?"

"Do you have the treasurer's report?"

Lucius recited from memory, "Most of our investments have been paying well since your," Lucius paused nervously, "magnificence left me in charge of the assets of our group."

"Yes, yes," Voldemort waved an impatient hand, "Bottom line if for me Lucius."

"Our funds should be more than adequate for your needs," Lucius finished rapidly.

"Should be Lucius?" Voldemort hissed menacingly.

"There were a few investments that are not paying off as well as predicted," Lucius tried.

"Which ones?"

"We took a heavy hit with Euro-Disney stock," Lucius muttered to the stones, "and then with the Exxon Valdez Oil spill the…"

Voldemort interrupted, "I expect you to make up the difference, **personally."**

"Yes my lord," Lucius replied.

"Any new business?" queried Voldemort.

Avery raised his hand at an awkward angle, "Yes My Lord."

"What is it?" Voldemort's voice held a note of aggravation.

"Master, we have been wondering," Avery hesitated slightly.

"What Avery?" Voldemort hissed.

"Well, some of us feel," he stuttered out.

Voldemort leveled his wand at him menacingly.

Avery finished in a rush, "It's just our robes master."

Voldemort lowered his wand, "What about them?"

"They're just so 1980's," he complained, "although black is always timeless and wears well. No worry about stains showing up after a brutal night of torturing. And this fabric has really held up. I mean I don't know how many missions I went on, burning houses, killing people and engaging in running duels with Aurors. I mean one of them even grabbed the hem of my robe as I was using the Cruciatus Curse on him and even his whole body weight couldn't tear the fabric or rip the seams. All in all it is very impressive work. Perhaps the same color and fabric just an updated cut?"

Voldemort looked intrigued, "Very well Avery, you may head up the committee to look into possible new robe designs. Any other new business?" from the tone of the question everyone knew very well there hadn't better be any more new business.

"Now let us address old business. How are we going to kill Dumbledore and Potter," he hissed.

Snape wished he had remembered to put the cushioning charm back in his robes his knees were killing him. This was going to be a long night.

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Severus glanced around Lucius Malfoy's study. He and the other Death Eaters had finally been released for the planning meeting, or perhaps it would be more appropriate to call it the "I Hate Harry Potter" meeting. Now Snape might not have been the president of that particular club, but he was a founding member. Even so, three hours of listening to the Dark Lord rant and rave about the boy who refused to die had even started wearing on his nerves.

And of course none of the fiasco in the graveyard had been Lord Voldemort's fault. Not in the least. Someone else must have wanted to gloat about the predicament Harry was in. And of course someone else wanted to toy with Harry in order to make himself appear more powerful instead of just blasting the annoying brat to smithereens. Snape was very careful to not even allow the merest hint of these thoughts until after Voldemort and left.

The mood had lightened considerably after Voldemort had returned to his hideaway. Snape wished that he could just leave and return to his family. He had an overwhelming desire to shower and remove the taint of having been in the presence of such demented evil.

Lucius held out a glass of fire whiskey to Snape, "Nice turn out tonight," he said conversationally.

Snape had to suppress a snort at the banality of the comment and just nodded. His control was further tested by the way Lucius was posing. The studied effect of casual elegance was spoiled by the baggy black Death Eater robes. The effect was further ruined by the mask dangling from his wrist like the dance card of a ballroom belle of a bygone era.

Lucius continued quietly, "I received your proposal," he said delicately. "My representatives are still looking them over," he took a sip of his drink. "Although I have to admit my surprise at you wanting to commit yourself so early."

Snape gave him a noncommittal look before replying, "Circumstances change and it is better to be prepared for any eventuality."

Lucius nodded, "Yes, Narcissa and I are looking forward to making an announcement soon regarding Melanctha."

Snape allowed a slight smirk to briefly appear. Inside he was wondering how much longer he would have to endure this charade. They both looked over to where Crabbe and Goyle were paying intense attention to McNair's instructions. "No Crabbe," McNair grabbed Crabbe's beefy hand and repositioned it, "the pinky goes here when you do the secret Death Eater handshake. Now try it again."

Crabbe and Goyle held out their hands to each other and proceeded to make an elaborate production out of shaking hands. McNair growled low in his throat, "For the last time, the pinky goes here." Again he repositioned their hands so that the grip was correct, "Look you two had better practice before the Dark Lord calls another meeting. He wasn't too happy with you not remembering how to do something so basic."

The two hulking men nodded dejectedly and retired to a corner to practice.

Malfoy commented to Severus, "You would think that they would have had a chance to order new black robes by now. I know it was fourteen years ago that we were last active, but they have had plenty of time since the Dark Lord's resurrection to obtain some robes that actually fit them now." Malfoy's lip curled in distaste at the sight of the two men in robes that were straining at the seams.

Snape sneered, "They both proudly proclaim that they can still wear their old junior Death Eater robes."

At that moment Nicodemus Nott approached them. His mask was hanging down his back and his robes were askew. It was obvious he had been taking advantage of the free liquor, "You two are never going to believe what Crabbe brought tonight." He pointed over to the far corner where several of the men were gathered in a tight group around Crabbe, Sr. who had given up his attempt to relearn the secret handshake. A burst of raucous laughter burst forth.

Lucius looked down upon the inebriated Nott and made no response. Nicodemus was so sotted he didn't realize the dangerous ground he was on. Lucius wasn't one to allow someone to take advantage of his hospitality.

Snape smirked as he remembered the fate of Lucius' last guest judged to be rude. Although he honestly couldn't blame Lucius after what the cretin had done on a priceless Aubusson rug. He wondered idly if the guest's testes had ever fallen back down.

The oblivious Nott snorted rudely before grabbing Lucius by the arm, "He's got Muggles Gone Wild." Nicodemus grabbed for the back of a chair when Lucius shook him off, "I always knew they were little better than animals. This just proves it."

Snape and Lucius made their way over to the corner. All Lucius had to do was hold out his hand and the magazine was quickly proffered. Lucius flipped a few pages and looked in disgust at the magazine, "This isn't even a wizard publications," he tossed it to Severus, "the photographs don't move."

Snape looked through the pages while Crabbe looked on anxious that nothing happen to it. He had paid a pretty Galleon for the thing after all. Snape sneered as he read the title aloud, "'_Victoria's Secret'" _he tossed the magazine back, "She doesn't seem to be keeping much secret if those photos are anything to go by."

One of the younger Death Eaters said, "It is a series of magazines," he flushed slightly as attention was turned to him, "I have my father's collection of classic Muggles Gone Wild.."

"More of _Victoria's Secrets,_" Lucius sneered.

The hapless young man cleared his throat, "No, these are _Frederick's of Hollywood_."

Snape snorted, "How common, not only Muggles but American Muggles at that."

Lucius gave the men a warning glare, "I don't want my wife to find such filth lying about. Make sure you take that Mudblood Magazine with you."

The men nodded in agreement before returning to their reading.

Lucius muttered to Snape as they took club chairs as far away from the lecherous group as possible, "It is going to take the house elves a week to clean the drool off of the furniture."

Snape nodded his agreement but before he could comment Sebastian Sneed walked over and addressed him, "Severus, how are those delightful twins of yours?"

Snape referred to his mental catalogue of facts and remembered that Sebastian had a three-year-old daughter. Settling back in his chair he looked up through veiled eyes," My family is quite well." He took a sip of his drink, "And yours?"

That appeared to be the opening Sneed had been waiting for, "My lovely Cassiopeia is becoming more beautiful every day." Sneed stood with his back to Lucius who caught Snape's eye and then crossed his own eyes. Snape tried to ignore this byplay as Sebastian continued pompously, "I am in the process of looking through the many, many betrothal offers I have received for her." At this Lucius held up two fingers.

Snape nodded, "Yes, I understand completely. I too am having to ponder the weighty decision of which families to consider as possible mates for my sons." Snape paused slightly for effect, "Fortunately, I won't have to worry about betrothal agreements for the daughter I am expecting this winter."

A hush fell over the room broken by Sneed's question, "Alexis is expecting?" Sneed questioned, "And you are positive it will be a girl?"

Snape nodded, "Completely positive."

Lucius wasn't pleased by Snape revealing this fact to the group at large, but he did take note that Snape had said he would not have to worry about betrothal agreements for her.

The assembly looked from a smirking Snape to a smug Malfoy and realized that baby girl Snape was not going to be placed on the Marriage Mart. You could almost see the wheels spinning three Snape children, two Malfoy children. Snape swore he could hear when the math finally clicked for some of those present. There was one more chance at alliance with the Snape-Draluck fortune.

"So," Charles Stein asked jovially, "how are those two fine strapping lads of yours? I remember when my son was one he was into everything and chattering up a storm. In fact I found him one time with his mother's wand and he had blasted a hole in the nursery because he couldn't have cherry ice cream."

This started a spate of anecdotes regarding children and the mischief they could get up to. Lucius even joined in with a Draco story, "We were at the ministry and Arthur Weasley walked by in his shabby robes. Draco piped up in his baby lisp, 'Father, is that a mudblood?' Of course it was in the middle of the atrium and the place was packed." Lucius had to wait for the laughter to subside before he could continue, "I did explain to him once we were at home that Weasley wasn't a mudblood but rather a blood traitor. Even at that young an age he had a discerning eye," Lucius finished proudly.

Snape was listening to the various stories and wondering just how much of it was true and how much was hubris. He was going to have to talk with Alexis, because if even a fraction of the stories were true, his sons were falling behind. He had to wonder if the boys were behind, how much of it could be related to all those potions he had tried in his youth. It had been the seventies after all and everyone was experimenting with different potions. Snape stared at Goyle and Crabbe and worried more. They had been the biggest users of illicit potions after all.

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Alexis was waiting for Snape in Dumbledore's office. She couldn't help but think about the shape he had been in the last time he returned from a meeting with Voldemort. Of course at that meeting Snape had been required to prove his allegiance. Alexis shuddered and desperately tried to think of something else.

"More tea my dear?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"Thank you," Alexis accepted the refill and sipped it absently. Looking up at the headmaster with pleading eyes, "How much longer do you think it will be?"

Albus sighed softly before responding, "I would estimate another hour at least."

Alexis nodded before returning her attention to her tea. It was going to be a long night.

A sudden crack jerked Alexis from the trance she had fallen into. Dumbledore was petting Fawkes, "Severus is back. He should be here shortly."

Alexis glanced at her watch. He had been gone over six hours.

The door swung open and Snape walked in. Alexis jumped to her feet and ran over to check him for injuries. She had only taken a few steps before an overpowering stink hit her. Her eyes began to water and she pulled the sleeve of her robes up to her nose trying to filter out some of the horrible odor, "Severus are you alright?" she gasped out trying not to breath in any more than absolutely necessary.

"My apologies," he sniped, "but I was the Designated Apparater tonight."

Dumbledore cast a few cleaning and deodorizing charms which muted the stink enough that normal conversation would be possible.

"Thank you headmaster," Snape nodded gratefully.

"Designated Apparater?" Alexis asked confused.

"Yes, the Dark Lord frowns on his followers getting injured or killed in drunk apparition accidents," Severus said bitterly. "We tried to use the Floo to send them home but the," Snape censored his first choice of words, "gits were too drunk to speak clearly. In fact Nott tried to Floo home before we could stop him and the fireplace just spit him back out." Snape sneered, "Lucius was furious at the mess. Nott is going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow."

Snape carefully removed his outer robes and folded them so that the most disgusting of the stains were hidden from view and smell. He looked down at his shoes, "Damn bungling incompetents," he hissed.

Alexis followed his glare to find that his toes were sticking out of a very large hole in his left shoe, "Severus what happened?"

"McNair," Snape snarled, "It is just a good thing I always carry a regeneration potion with me." Snape wiggled the regenerated toes before returning his attention to Albus and Alexis, "But none of this is important." He stared intently at Dumbledore, "He has decided we need more funding for our plans."

"What does he have planned?" Albus poured Snape a cup of tea and handed it to him.

Snape rubbed his forehead tiredly, "Unfortunately Narcissa overheard Lucius and I discussing it before I started my Apparating chores. She has decided that this is something she can do for the cause."

Alexis knew it was inappropriate so she tried to stifle the giggle before asking, "Let me guess," Snape glanced over at her, "a mother son fashion show?"

"What are you babbling about?" Snape asked.

"It's just a Muggle thing," Alexis responded, "So what is the plan? It's not as if they can go door to door with a collecting tin asking people to contribute to the second coming of the Dark Lord."

Snape ran his fingers through his hair, "The first thing is for me to make some of my specialized potions. They can be offered for sale and the proceeds will go to The Dark Lord."

Dumbledore pondered his Potions Professor, "What else is troubling you Severus?"

Snape barely hissed out, "He wants to meet Alexis."

Dumbledore had finally ordered the couple to go to bed. It was too late, or as the case may be too early in the morning, for anything to be decided. They would revisit the discussion after everyone had had a good night's sleep.

In spite of Snape's disapproving look Alexis took one of the lemon drops the Headmaster offered. She didn't see how it would help anything but it certainly couldn't hurt anything either.

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Alexis looked around the Great Hall. All of the students were there but she was the only adult present. Everyone was acting so strangely.

Suddenly Hermione started singing,

"Dum, dum, dum,

Harry what have you done?  
Dum, dum, dum

it's the sound of my wand.

Dum, dum, dum,

Harry what have you done?  
Dum, dum, dum

it's the sound.."

All the rest of the students joined in as they moved in a slow rhythm around the still pacing Harry,

"Harry's got a wand.

Harry's got a wand.

His whole world's come undone.  
His parents were on the run.

What did the Dark Lord do?

What did he put you through?"

Some of the students were now dancing on top of the tables but they all kept singing,

"They said when Harry was a baby

they found him in the rubble at Godric's Hollow.  
But man, the Dark Lords got it comin' now that Harry's got a wand

he ain't never gonna be the same."

Alexis stared at them. She couldn't believe what she was seeing and hearing. Still they sang,

"Harry's got a wand.

Harry's got a wand.

His dog day's just begun.

Now Death Eaters are on the run.

Tell me now it's untrue.

What did the Dark Lord do?

He cursed a little bitty baby.

The man has got to be insane.

They say the spell that he was under left the lightning shaped scar on Harry's head."

The students were trying to pull Alexis into their dance as the song continued.

"Run away, run away from the pain

yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Run away run away from the pain

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Run away, run away, run, run away.

Harry's got a wand.

Harry's got a wand.

His dog day's just begun.

Now everybody is on the run."

Would the song never stop.

"What did the Dark Lord do?

He's resurrected: You Know Who.

Harry had to take Cedric's body back.

He knew evidence he did lack.

He said 'cause nobody believes me.

The man was such a psychopathic killer.

He ain't never gonna be the same."

The students stopped singing as the doors to the Great Hall burst open and in marched Lucius Malfoy followed by a horde of fellow Death Eaters. Lucius glared and sneered at the assembled students before proclaiming to the whole room,

"I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright!

And I pity any wizard who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming, oh, so charming it's alarming how charming I feel!

And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real."

He danced and swirled his cloak,

"See the pretty wizard in that mirror there," one of the Death Eaters held up a large hand mirror for him. Lucius preened and smirked,

"Who can that attractive wizard be?

Such a pretty face, such a pretty robe, such a pretty smile,  
such a pretty me!

I feel stunning and entrancing, feel like running and dancing for joy,  
for I'm loved by a pretty wonderful Dark Lord!"

The Death Eaters began to sing badly out of tune,

"Have you met my good friend Lucius, the craziest wizard on the block? You'll know him the minute you see him, he's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.

He thinks he's in love. He thinks he's in Spain.  
He isn't in love, he's merely sworn allegiance to someone insane.

It must be the heat or some rare disease, or too much to eat or maybe its fleas.

Keep away from him, send for Draco!

This is not the Lucius we know!

Modest and pure, polite and refined, well-bred and mature and out of his mind!"

Lucius took up his song again and began prancing around the room,

"I feel pretty,  
oh, so pretty that the Ministry should give me its key.

A committee should be organized to honor me."

The Death Eaters continued to sing backup, "La la la la . . . "

Lucius began rapping them on their heads with his snake headed walking stick as he danced by them,

"I feel dizzy, I feel sunny, I feel fizzy and funny and fine, and so pretty,  
Miss Witch Weekly can just resign!"

The Death Eaters chimed in, "La la la la . . . "

Lucius sang while looking in the hand mirror again,

"See the pretty wizard in that mirror there?"

Death Eaters, "What mirror where?"

Lucius preened, "Who can that attractive wizard be?"

Death Eaters, "Which? What? Where? Whom? "

Lucius sang, "Such a pretty face, such a pretty robe, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me!"

Death Eaters, "Such a pretty me!"

And they all joined in to finish the song, "I feel stunning and entrancing, feel like running and dancing for joy, for I'm loved by a pretty wonderful Dark Lord!"

There was a crash of thunder, a burst of lightning and a cloud of smoke billowed in through the open doors. There were shrieks of horror and cries of terror as Lord Voldemort appeared. All the Death Eaters in the room fell to the floor groveling in terror and the hideous monster glared around at them.

A path cleared as he made his way straight to Harry. Terrified students pushed and shoved, nearly trampling each other in their haste to flee. He only stopped when he was within striking distance of Harry. Harry was now flanked by Ron and Hermione and they all had wands drawn and glares on their faces. They looked prepared for anything. Well almost anything.

You could have knocked them over with a feather when Voldemort began to sing,

"I'm a cold-hearted snake.

Look into my eyes.

Oh oh oh You can't tell but I've been tellin' lies."

He and Harry began to circle one another,

"I'm a sadistic boy at play.

I don't play by the rules," he fired off a curse that Harry barely blocked.

"Oh oh oh Fudge is such a fool—"

Harry hissed, "That at least is one thing we agree upon."

Voldemort ignored the commentary,

"He's the one givin' up the wizarding world anytime I need it.

Don't turn your back or I'll be off and runnin' with the old crowd."

Hermione and Ron were keeping the old crowd at bay.

"My followers are the ones to sacrifice anything to please me.

Did you really think I was dead and gone?"

His supporters cheered.

"I'm a cold-hearted snake.

Look into my eyes.

Oh oh oh you can't tell but I've been tellin' lies.

I'm a sadistic boy at play.

I don't play by the rules oh oh oh Fudge is such a fool—

It was only late last night I was out there torturing'

Then I summoned my Death Eaters just watch them run."

There were some discontented mutters from his old crowd at this revelation. But again Voldemort continued to focus on Harry,

"All the world's a candy store I've been trick or treatin'

when it comes to true evil there's no one worse?"

Harry blocked some more curses and fired off a few of his own.

Voldemort laughed as he easily repelled them,

"I'm a cold-hearted snake.

Look into my eyes.

Oh oh oh you can't tell but I've been tellin' lies.

I'm a sadistic boy at play.

I don't play by the rules. Oh oh oh Fudge is such a fool—

You can't find me, Fudge.

No matter how hard you try.

I'm gonna' make you scream Fudge.

I'm gonna' make you cry."

Harry paused cautiously, "Now maybe that is something we can collaborate on?"

Voldemort seemed to consider it for a moment before returning to his song, "I'm a cold-hearted snake.

Look into my eyes.

Oh oh oh you can't tell but I've been tellin' lies.

I'm a sadistic boy at play.

I don't play by the rules. Oh oh oh Fudge you're such a fool—"

The professors had managed to break through the shields the Death Eaters had cast while Harry and Voldemort dueled. Now Dumbledore and Voldemort were staring at each other waiting and watching to see who would make the first move. Alexis gasped in horror as Snape strode down the center aisle between the two house tables and stated in a loud clear voice, "I have something I have wanted to say to the two of you."

Dumbledore and Voldemort gave him about a quarter of their attention. Snape shrugged, that was better than what he usually got so he opened his mouth and in a deep baritone sang,

"Take this job and shove it,

I'm not working for either of you any more.

I have my woman now, and I want so much more.

You better not to try to stand in my way, as I'm a walkin' out the door.

Take this job and shove it, I'm not working for either of you any more."

"Now really Severus is this the proper time to resign," Albus said calmly.

Snape sneered before continuing,

"I've been teaching in this school, for nearly fifteen years.

All this time, I enjoyed reducing students, to puddles of tears.

I've been a spy, had a lot of bad deeds to repay.

I'll burn the dark mark off my arm, and I have the guts to say.

Take this job and shove it, I'm not working for either of you any more.

I have my woman now, and I want so much more.

You better not to try to stand in my way, as I'm a walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I'm not working for either of you any more."

Voldemort hissed, "Snape I'm very disappointed in you."

Severus blocked the curse Voldemort cast and snarled the song out,

"Well, that Dark Lord he's an evil bastard,

and Dumbledore, he's no fool.

Both of them trying to run my life; it's really way too cruel.

This is the day, I'm going to blow my top, and sucker, they're going to pay. Merlin, look at the expression on their faces, because I got the nerve to say: Take this job and shove it, I'm not working for either of you any more.

I have my woman now, and I want so much more.

You better not to try to stand in my way, as I'm a walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I'm not working for you any more."

He grabbed Alexis by the arm and headed back out the door sneering over his shoulder, "Albus, Tom I QUIT!"

Alexis sat bolt upright in bed gasping for air. Snape rolled over and asked sleepily, "What is it? Are you alright? Is something wrong with the baby?"

Alexis panted out, "Nightmare. Students. Singing. Dancing."

Snape patted her back and pulled her into his arms before mumbling into her hair, "The term doesn't even start until next week," he yawned, "and I've told you a hundred times not to take lemon drops from Albus right before you go to bed."

Songs in order of appearance

Parody of _Janie's Got A Gun _Aerosmith

Parody of _I Feel Pretty _ From Westside Story

Parody of _Cold Hearted Snake _ Paula Abdul

Parody of _Take This Job and Shove It _Johnny Paycheck


	42. Fashion Victims

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Thanks to all who read and review…enjoy

Chapter 42 Fashion Victims 

_Do you prefer fashion victim or ensemblelly challenged?_

_Cher in Clueless_

Alexis looked over at Snape as they ate a late brunch, "Exactly what types of potions are you going to be making to raise money for him?"

Severus replied with a snort, "Vanity potions for the most part. Lucius and Narcissa will want liters of the hair dye potion."

Alexis snorted into her coffee, "They dye their hair?"

Snape cast her a derisive look, "All of the Blacks have jet black hair," Snape paused for effect, "except Narcissa. What does that tell you?"

Alexis nibbled on her toast and asked, "But what about Lucius? And Draco?"

"Lucius was as blonde as Draco in his youth but his hair has darkened with age. It is more a dirty blonde now naturally than the platinum he prefers," Severus explained.

"So what are they doing now if you haven't been making them a hair dye potion?" Alexis asked.

"Hair color charms," Snape replied, "But they have to be refreshed daily and they tend to dry the hair out. My hair dye potion lasts for six months and your roots don't show until the last day of the six months is up."

"What other vanity potions?" Alexis was really getting interested in all of this.

"The Bulstrodes will want depilatory potions," Snape answered after a moments thought.

"Is that easier than a shaving charm?" Alexis was thinking she might have Severus make her one if it were.

"Mildred Bulstrode told me that it kept the hair on her face, arms and back from re-growing for three months while a shaving charm only worked for three days," Snape smirked as his wife's eyes grew wide.

"Most of the Death Eaters will pay dearly for my Viagerus Potion. And then their ladies pay even more dearly for the counter potion," Snape said with an evil grin.

Alexis tried to grin back but her face wouldn't cooperate.

Snape gave her a serious look, "Don't worry about the meeting tonight."

"Ahh but Severus," Alexis tried to lighten the mood, "I haven't a thing to wear."

Snape snorted softly.

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Alexis twisted in front of the full-length mirror trying to decide if the dress emphasized her pregnancy or hid it. Catching sight of Severus in the mirror, "What do you think?"

Snape took his time perusing the Slytherin green gown. The drape of the fabric seemed to emphasize the tiny bump that was Alexis' pregnancy. The vee of the neckline hinted at her cleavage and the sleeveless top left her arms bare from the shoulders down. "Trying to make a statement are we?"

"Of course I am," Alexis grinned at him. She rubbed her tummy, "Good breeder of pureblood babies." Indicating the modest robes, "Faithful wife," and holding up her bare arms, "unmarked."

Snape nodded his approval, "Have you removed all of your memories that could be dangerous?"

Alexis indicated the Pensieve sitting on the desk, "I feel as if I've shed a heavy weight. Do you think Dumbledore would let me keep my memories there?"

"Doubtful," Snape replied.

"I wonder where I can get my own pensieve," Alexis answered half-seriously.

"It is time to go," Snape said holding out her traveling cloak.

Alexis stroked Aniya who hissed comfortingly from her wrist.

"Remember that Aniya is bonded to us and even though the Dark Lord is a Parseltongue she will protect you. Don't accept anything to drink or eat unless she tells you it is safe," Snape wrapped the cloak around her shoulders and gave them a squeeze.

Alexis took his hand and rubbed her face on it, "Let's do this."

Snape nodded and placing her hand in the crook of his arm they headed out.

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Once again the meeting was to be held at Malfoy Manor. Under the guise of a small, intimate dinner party for thirty or so, Alexis was to be formally introduced to Voldemort. Snape had been tutoring her in the etiquette demanded by the deranged madman.

"Remember you must not rise until he gives you permission. When you leave the room you must back out of it until you reach the door. Never," he emphasized, "turn your back to him. Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

Alexis smiled at him reassuringly, "Yes darling."

Snape gave her a puzzled look. Alexis just smiled at him, "Whatever you think is best." She had decided to make sure that there were no recent memories for Voldemort to use against them.

Snape sighed, "We'll be there soon."

Alexis and Snape were shown into the small, family parlor when they arrived. Lucius came forward and kissed Alexis' cheek briefly. Alexis managed to repress the shudder of revulsion and considered it the first small victory of the evening.

"Alexis you are positively glowing," Lucius smiled.

"Thank you," Alexis moved to sit next to Narcissa. "Narcissa you look beautiful as always."

Narcissa inclined her head in the properly correct two inches to acknowledge the compliment.

"What can I get you to drink while we wait on the rest of our guests?" Lucius offered.

As Alexis sipped her gillywater she knew it was going to be a very long night.

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Alexis was carefully repeating all of Severus' etiquette instructions to herself over and over as she knelt face down on the floor in front of the throne like chair in which Voldemort was seated.

"Rise my child," Voldemort hissed softly.

Keeping her eyes firmly fixed to the floor and her mind as blank as possible, Alexis got awkwardly to her feet.

"Come closer," was the hissed order.

Alexis stepped forward until she was standing in front of the snake man. A cold, dry hand tilted her head up to meet red slitted eyes, "Such a pretty face."

"Thank you my lord," Alexis replied breathlessly.

"Am I your lord?"

"Severus told me you were," Alexis responded simply.

Alexis felt a faint whisper of magic against her skin. It felt as though she had just brushed through cobwebs. She focused on Severus allowing her mind to fill with images of him and how he made her feel. The touch was quickly withdrawn.

Alexis smiled at him innocently as she desperately tried to channel Wilhelmina Engvall.

"So my dear are you happy at Hogwarts?" he asked her silkily as he tried to read her again.

Alexis flooded her mind with images of all the places she and Severus had made love at inside and outside of the castle at Hogwarts. She was mildly surprised herself to realize how thoroughly they had 'christened' the castle, "Yes my lord," she responded quietly.

Voldemort shuddered and dropped his hand from her face. It took a moment for him to gather his composure; he would never look at Snape again in quite the same way after that last image. The man was thirty-seven years old for Merlin's sake he really shouldn't be that flexible.

"And what do you think of Albus Dumbledore?" he managed to continue his questioning.

He was surprised to hear her giggle, "I'm sorry my lord, please forgive me. Severus tells me I have to show him respect."

"And why is that?"

Alexis stared at him blankly for several long moments just blinking in confusion before responding hesitantly, "I've never asked him why my lord. Severus doesn't like it when I ask him questions."

"He doesn't?"

"No my lord, he tells me not to worry that he will do my thinking for me," she smiled at him.

"And what do you think about that?" Voldemort wanted to know.

Again his question was met with confused silence before she ventured, "I don't know my lord, I've never thought about it. Things are much easier when Severus makes all the decisions and tells me what to do. He tells me he is much smarter than I am."

Voldemort was thinking that a turnip was smarter than this woman. Deciding to make one last stab at her, "And what do you think of Severus?"

The flood of images that swamped him had him slamming up his mental shields and breaking off all contact with the witch in front of him. He barely heard her response, "Severus is wonderful. The way he touches me…"

Voldemort abruptly cut her off, "Look at the time. You are going to miss the fashion show if you don't leave right this moment."

Alexis blinked at the abrupt change of topic and the giving him a deep curtsey, "Thank you my lord," she backed from the room.

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Lucius and Severus were meeting with the dark lord. Snape tried to pretend an interest in what Lucius was saying, "Have you heard this one my lord? How many blood traitors does it take to light the candles in a room?"

Voldemort waved him to continue.

Lucius chuckled, "As many as you want to."

Voldemort stared at him, "I don't get it Lucius."

"See my lord, you just have to tell one of your loyal followers how many blood traitors you want to light the candles in the room and we would make them do it for you," Lucius explained.

"But why would I want blood traitors to light candles in a room? Why wouldn't I just do it myself or order one of my loyal followers to do it for me?" Voldemort's voice grew cold, "Are you trying to say I am too weak to light my own candles?"

"No my lord, never that," Lucius hastened to say, "It was just a joke my lord."

"Not a very funny one Lucius," Voldemort told him. "You may go now."

Lucius backed from the room leaving Severus to a private meeting with Voldemort. Snape was anxious to get back to Alexis. He had only had a glimpse of her after she left from her private meeting with Voldemort. She appeared to be okay but he would feel better once he had spoken with her.

"Well Severus," Voldemort hissed, "I am impressed with your choice of bride."

Snape bowed his head, "Thank you master."

"Although she seems a particularly lusty witch," Voldemort said with a touch of revulsion.

Snape wasn't sure how to answer that observation so maintained his silence.

Snape joined Alexis in the ballroom at Malfoy manor. A long runway had been set up in the middle of the room and chairs had been arranged all along the length of the platform.

"What are we doing?" Snape hissed quietly to Alexis as he settled into the chair next to hers.

"We appear to be in for a treat," Alexis smiled coolly, "Avery is going to preview the new line of Death Eater robes for us."

Snape crossed his arms over his chest and glared, "You must be kidding."

"Not at all, of course these are all of the possibilities. You-Know-Who will chose which robes make the final cut," Alexis answered.

"Did I miss anything?" Snape asked dryly.

"Well, Narcissa and Avery got into a cat fight as to who was going to be emceeing the fashion show," Alexis snickered quietly.

"Did I miss anything important?" Snape stressed sarcastically.

"It was important to them," Alexis replied. "I don't think I've ever seen Narcissa so coolly correct and Avery was having a hissy fit. I really believe they would have started hexing each other if Lucius hadn't stepped in."

"And what did dear Lucius decide?" Snape asked sardonically.

"What do you think?" Alexis smiled, "Narcissa of course is emceeing."

"How did Avery take that?" Snape questioned.

"Well Lucius told him that he was needed to model the robes." Alexis took a sip of the drink she was carefully nursing. Aniya had warned her several times during the course of the evening not to accept a specific drink.

"Who was going to model the robes earlier?" Snape wanted to know.

"Actually it seems as if Avery was planning on emceeing and modeling at the same time," Alexis said trying not to laugh.

"He was the same way at school," Snape said dismissively.

"He wanted to model robes at school?" Alexis almost spilled her drink in her surprise.

"No," Snape stated with a smirk, "he wanted to run everything. They had to ban him from the Quidditch team because he tried to play all seven positions at the same time."

"He does seem to be a bit of a control freak," Alexis said as she carefully scanned the room.

Narcissa took her place at the podium set up to the right of the long runway and after applying a sonorous charm, "Hello, testing, one, two, three. Can everyone hear me? Testing. Testing. Lucius I think there is something wrong with my charm." Narcissa turned to her husband.

"Your charm is working fine," Lucius reassured her curtly. There was a murmur of agreement from the assembled Death Eaters.

"Thank you," Narcissa was reading from note cards, "for your kind attention. Tonight we will be premiering the fashions that will strike fear into the hearts of Blood Traitors, terrorize mudbloods and let the world know that the Dark Lord has returned," Narcissa paused for the polite applause that greeted this statement.

"And now I would like to present our first selection of the evening," she waved a hand and Avery came strutting down the stage wearing flowing black robes with a deep hood and his mask. "This ensemble is made of summer weight wool and is cut to allow the maximum amount of arm movement." Avery demonstrated by waving his wand around vigorously. "It is perfect for those summer raids in warm weather." Avery swirled around while Narcissa continued her patter, "With a built in hood," Avery flipped the hood on and off his head, "and a wand holster," now he pushed back his sleeve and demonstrated the ease with which he could stow his wand and retrieve it, "these robes are designed for both comfort and efficiency."

Avery gave one last twirl and headed back down the stage to a smatter of applause.

A few seconds latter Narcissa continued, "Our second selection is for the more active Death Eater." Avery strutted out in another set of billowing black robes. "As you can see these robes are cut a full two inches shorter than our first set. This allows for more ease when chasing down those fleeing victims." Avery demonstrated by running a few steps. "No more tripping on those long hems gentlemen," Narcissa enthused. "These are also made of the finest summer wool with a tight weave that will wear well and resist stains and tears." Avery tugged on the sleeves at this. "These also come with the built in hood and wand holster. Thank you Avery."

Avery disappeared behind the curtains at the end of the runway. There was a muffled grunt and a thud. Narcissa looked at the curtains anxiously. As the assembly was getting restless Avery pushed the curtains aside and hurried out again in billowing black robes. Narcissa gushed, "Our third selection is designed for those cold winter evenings stalking and hunting mudbloods." Avery crouched down and pretended to stalk something. "The black color blends in perfectly with shadows and allows the wearer distinct advantage. The ankle length is a nice compromise between athlete and fashion allowing freedom of movement while at the same time showing your sense of style. These robes are made of thick warm wool with a built in warming charm. The flame retardant charm makes them the perfect choice for those times the Dark Lord orders include burning as well as pillaging and murder."

Alexis noticed that interest seemed to perk up at the mention of flame retardant charms. Snape leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Those robes were designed with Crabbe in mind. He has set himself on fire more often than the target. No one wants to go on missions with him anymore. He caught Lucius' hair on fire once." Snape snickered, "When Lucius finished with him it took three of us to remove Crabbe's head from…" Snape trailed off here, "Well let's just say Crabbe wasn't able to sit for about a month." Snape stopped talking as he caught Narcissa's disapproving glare.

Avery had disappeared and reappeared. Alexis was surprised to see him in green robes this time. "This ensemble is perfect for the Death Eater on the go. This is what you want to wear those times when you have to appear in the public eye but want to be ready for any eventuality." Avery twirled a cane as he swayed down the catwalk. "A simple touch of the wand and the correct code word," Narcissa paused as Avery demonstrated and suddenly his stylish green robes were now black billowing robes with a deep hood and he was again wearing his mask, "and you are ready to answer the Dark Lord's call."

There was more enthusiastic applause this time and murmurs of approval. Narcissa beamed at them, "These robes are available in green, blue, gray, pinstripe and tweed."

"Now for those 'Come As You Are' raids we have this sturdy yet still stylish set," Avery appeared in billowing black robes. "This selection has a detachable hood and the wand holster is concealed in a hip pocket." Narcissa paused as Avery showed everyone how easy it was to remove the hood, "It's like magic," Narcissa gushed. "And the hood and mask can be concealed in an inner pocket allowing you to go from Death Eater to innocent bystander in mere moments."

Alexis settled back into her chair as Avery disappeared only to again appear in billowing black robes. This was going to be a long night.

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Alexis and Snape had been debriefed by Dumbledore and were now alone in bed. Snape had been acting distant and aggravated ever since his meeting with Voldemort. Alexis was determined to get to the bottom of the matter and had snuggled up to him, "Tell me," she ordered softly.

"What?" Snape snarked.

"Tell me what has you so upset," she nestled even closer.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Snape rubbed his chin on the top of her head knowing that it irritated her to feel his stubble pulling at her hair.

Alexis ignored the aggravation and persevered, "What has upset you? The evening went as well as could be expected."

Snape nodded and continued to brood.

"You do realize that I am not going to let you go to sleep until you tell me what happened tonight," Alexis stroked his chest.

Snape stayed stubbornly silent.

Alexis sighed and asked, "Did he want me to take the mark?"

Snape hugged her tightly, "No, he agreed that it might be detrimental to your pregnancy."

"Did he seem suspicious of something?" Alexis continued.

"He is always suspicious," Snape answered shortly, "That is the nature of his disease. But he wasn't overly suspicious of us or of you."

Alexis twisted so she could see his face, "Than would you please tell me what has gotten your knickers in a knot?"

Snape gave her a long considering look before relenting, "He complimented me on my choice of a beautiful, fertile and rich young witch: a witch without any living relatives or close friends." Alexis waited. "He commented on your lustiness." Alexis smirked at him. "What made him ask that?" Snape had wanted to know the answer to that question ever since his meeting with the Dark Lord.

Alexis sniggered, "Probably because the whole time I was in his presence all I was concentrating on was remembering our first time together, our last time together and anticipating our next time together."

Snape grimaced, "So he is privy to all the details of our sex life?"

"Not at all." Alexis snuggled closer, "He seems to be a bit of a prude," she paused to gather her thoughts and impressions, "I could feel him trying to read me so I would really concentrate on you and how you make me feel. As soon as it got too graphic he pulled away."

"I doubt if I can get away with that," Snape mused.

Alexis was not to be distracted though, "That can't be what upset you," she prodded.

Snape glared at her before giving in, "He also told me that he couldn't find any sign of brain damage from the Sleeping Death Curse. And finally he wanted to know if I had used a potion or the Imperious Curse on you to get you to marry someone like me."

Snape snarled as he felt Alexis start to shake with silent laughter.

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It was a few days before the start of term and Alexis had gone back to 12 Grimmauld Place. She had decided that while Dumbledore might be able to keep her from telling anyone what was going to happen this year, it didn't mean she couldn't try to work to prevent it.

She had already changed things by marrying Severus and having his children: neither of which were in the books she had read. Also, Amber Doff had not been part of that particular reality. If she had changed those few things, maybe she could change some other things.

Nathair, Aleser and Slinky had accompanied her on her visit. Sirius seemed to derive pleasure from being with the twins. They especially enjoyed it when he would transform into Snuffles and play with them.

Alexis left the three of them playing. Slinky was a watchful guardian. Alexis trusted Sirius with the boys but she really didn't trust Kreacher. She had caught Walburga Black's portrait in the hallway screaming at the boys about being blood traitors. Slinky had cast a stunning charm on the portrait and then painted a moustache and devil horns on her. It was the worst thing he could do since she had only insulted his charges and not actually harmed them. Sirius had approved the changes to his dear old mum's painting and wouldn't let anyone change it back.

A frustrating hour later Alexis was ready to hex Harry Potter seven ways to Sunday. "So you've had a hard knock life," she snarled at him, "people keep 'secrets' from you. You feel like the whole world is against you," she took a deep calming breath, "welcome to puberty Mr. Potter and please fasten your safety belt it's gonna' be a bumpy ride."

Harry glared at her in confusion, "What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?"

Alexis stared back at him before bursting into laughter, "I don't really know." Running a hand through her hair she gestured for him to take a seat before sitting next to him on the sofa. "Harry if it were up to me I would tell you everything you want to know," at Harry's accusatory look, "but it's not up to me. There are things I can't tell anyone, not even Dumbledore or Severus."

Harry glared at the name of his most hated professor.

"Harry, one of the first things you learn as an adult," she nudged him "is that you don't always get what you want."

Harry's scowled darkened.

"Do you really think that everyone in the Order knows exactly what everyone else knows?" she asked sternly. "Think about that Harry James Potter." She got to her feet and headed to the door, "And one more thing to think about; if you want to be treated like an adult, you better start acting like one. Learn to control you anger and clear you mind Harry. It is vitally important."

Harry stopped scowling as he saw for the first time how serious she really was, "I'll work on it."

Alexis stared at him for a long minute before nodding, "Harry this is something with which no one else can help you."

Harry stared at the closed door after Alexis had left. Grabbing a cushion he plopped it on the floor and settled down to practice his breathing meditation.

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It was the September first and Alexis had snuck out to 12 Grimmauld Place. There was one thing she could do that she hoped would prevent some future aggravation.

She arrived just in time. Everyone was in the front hallway getting ready to go. Snuffles was dancing impatiently anxious to get a taste of freedom and fresh air.

Alexis grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him into the parlor. Sirius changed back and shook her hand off, "What's the big idea?"

"You can't go out as Snuffles," Alexis stated, "Wormtail will have told him about your Animagus form."

Sirius was looking rebellious.

Alexis glared right back at him, "I didn't say you couldn't go. I said you can't go as Snuffles."

"Then how the bloody hell am I supposed to go," he demanded.

Alexis smiled a wicked smile, "Just stand still for a minute and I'll show you."

A few minutes later a very unhappy looking parrot was sitting on Alexis' shoulder as she came out of the parlor.

"Who or what is that?" Harry asked pointing at the very large, very green bird.

"That is Pepe," she smiled, "Snuffles' alter-ego."

"Sirius is that you," Harry held his arm out for the large green bird.

Pepe walked along Harry's arm and up to his shoulder, "Snivellus is a snot," the parrot croaked out.

Harry laughed while Alexis glared at the bird, "Keep it up, I know a nice recipe for poached parrot."

Pepe flapped his wings and croaked out his disapproval, "No! No! No!"

Alexis began to shoo them out the door, "You lot had better get going or you will miss the train."

Molly screeched as she saw the time, "Get going."

Alexis leaned toward Sirius, "See you when you get back."

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Lupin returned with Sirius clinging to his shoulder. The bird was squawking flapping his wings angrily. Feathers were flying everywhere and Alexis blanched at the curses coming from the furious bird. Alexis turned even whiter as she noticed the tall, black clad wizard storming in behind Lupin.

"Severus, what a pleasant surprise," Alexis smiled sickly at him.

Snape glared at her, "Alexis it is time to return to Hogwarts."

"Yes dear," Alexis replied. Snape turned his head to glare at Sirius who was awkwardly trying to fly about the parlor. Alexis noticed for the first time a long red scratch still bleeding slightly running down his left cheek.

Furious she glowered at Sirius, "Sirius Black if you are responsible for my husband's face…"

Sirius interrupted with a croak, "Not me. Not me. Blame his parents. Sour puss. Here kitty, kitty."

Snape grabbed Alexis arm before she could snatch the aggravating avian from the air. Alexis and Remus both stared at him in surprise. Snape smirked, "Not with your bare hands Alexis. You're a witch, use you're wand."

Remus stepped between the infuriated witch and the parrot, "Everyone just calm down." He gave the bird a firm look, "And Sirius keep your," here he paused briefly lips twitching slightly, "beak closed."

The parrot finally landed with a soft thud on the sofa and settled its feathers.

Remus asked Alexis, "What spell did you use? I haven't been able to lift it."

"Darla and I worked it out," Alexis replied as she preformed the counter charm allowing Sirius to resume his human form much to Snape's irritation.

Sirius popped back into his normal self and scowled up at her, "I still don't know why I had to go out as a bloody bird. I would have been perfectly safe as Snuffles."

Alexis stared at him, "Have you forgotten that most of the Death Eaters have children that attend Hogwarts?" Alexis continued without giving Sirius a chance to respond, "And most of those parents were on the platform seeing their children off to school," she held up a finger to stop him commenting, "AND I'm sure Pettigrew has informed all of them to be on the look out for a large black dog."

Sirius opened and shut his mouth several times.

"Look," Alexis said with an understanding look on her face, "if you want to be able to get out of this place every once in a while, you are going to have to be careful. Snuffles is no longer an adequate disguise." Alexis rested her hand on his shoulder, "But Darien, Darla, Amber and I are all working on alternatives."

Sirius shook his shaggy hair back and nodded once before getting to his feet and leaving the room with a final glare at the smirking Snape.

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"And just what possessed you to go gallivanting off today?" Snape hissed to Alexis as they walked up to the castle.

"It was something I needed to do Severus," Alexis tried to explain.

Snape stopped her with a hand on her arm, "Just what is it with you and Black?"

Alexis stared at him for a moment, "You should know that there is nothing between us."

Snape stared at her, "Exactly what do you mean by that?"

"The binding ceremony," Alexis reminded him before shaking off his hand and continuing toward the school.

"So you know about that?" Snape questioned uneasily.

"I've known about it for a while now," Alexis sighed stopping again to look up at him. Seeing the worried look on his face she grinned, "It is actually comforting in a weird way to know you can never cheat on me," she admitted.

"You can also never cheat on me," Snape reminded her.

"I never would have," Alexis grinned at him, "No matter how many slightly deranged, escaped Azkaban prisoners who are also unregistered Animagus I might chance to meet."

Snape gave her a long look, "Then exactly what is it with Black. You have been involved with him in some way ever since he reappeared."

"I feel sorry for him," Alexis tried to explain. "He was sent to Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit," Alexis continued before he could interrupt, "I know he tried to kill you when you were at school together. But he probably served more time in prison for a crime he didn't commit than he would have spent for what he did to you."

Snape broke in, "What are you talking about?"

"What happened when it was believed Hagrid accidentally killed a student with his pet monster?" Alexis asked. When Snape didn't answer she continued, "His wand was snapped and he was expelled from school. Sirius didn't kill you and it probably would have been argued that he didn't intend to kill you just scare you. So what do you think would have been done to him?"

Snape glared at her unable to come up with a proper response.

"Sirius is an arrogant git but he paid for his crimes many time over. He has lost everyone close to him except Remus and Harry. He is an outlaw on the run and once again he is imprisoned." Snape started at this. "Would you like to be stuck inside 12 Grimmauld Place?"

Snape shook his head and started back up the walkway with Alexis beside him.

"Severus I want you to really think about something," Alexis took his hand, "Do you really wish Sirius dead? Wait don't give me your knee jerk reaction. Just think about it for me." Alexis squeezed his hand before changing the topic, "Have you met the new Defense Teacher yet?"

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The first staff meeting of the new term was being held a scant two hours before the train was due to arrive. Alexis was seated next to Severus in the staff room. Albus had just introduced Dolores Jane Umbridge to the rest of the staff. Dolores had hemm hemmed her way through a speech and had resumed her seat.

Professor McGonagall was staring at her, "You mean that you will not be teaching the students how to perform any spells this year?"

"I believe I have already gone over my curriculum for the upcoming school year," Umbridge simpered.

"But how are the students supposed to be prepared?" Professor Vector asked.

"Prepared for what exactly?" Umbridge questioned in her high pitched voice.

"For being attacked?" Vector stated.

"My dear professor," Umbridge cooed, "do you really believe that the students will be attacked in my classroom?"

Alexis couldn't resist. Before Vector could respond Alexis adopted her best dumb blonde look and replied, "Professor Umbridge is absolutely correct Septima." This garnered Alexis several stunned looks, "I mean really none of the children have been attacked in a classroom."

Umbridge was preening at the support. The Malfoy's had been right about the Snapes.

Alexis continued with a slight smile, "The hallways, dorms, and grounds, but never the classrooms."

"Whatever are you talking about Madame Snape?" Umbridge's voice had lost some of its simper.

Alexis blinked at her several times blankly before smiling, "Why just last year dear Draco was attacked in the hallway by that escaped prisoner posing as Professor Moody." Alexis turned to Professor McGonagall, "Minerva you witnessed the attack," McGonagall nodded waiting to see where Alexis was going with this, "That monster transfigured Draco into a ferret and then bounced him all around the hallway," Alexis said indignantly. "And then the preceding year another escaped prisoner attacked a student in his bed and then he attacked several students while they were on the grounds." Alexis turned with a look of hero worship on her face to Snape, "If Severus hadn't been so brave and rescued those poor children there is no telling what might have happened to them."

Turning to look at Umbridge she smiled brightly, "So will you be teaching the children how to protect themselves from escaped prisoners in the hallways, on the grounds and in their dorms?" Alexis screwed up her face as though in thought and finding the process painful, "Although I don't think you would be able to get a whole class into one of the dorm rooms. Maybe Professor Dumbledore could have your classroom fixed up to resemble a dorm room." Alexis turned to look at Albus in inquiry but was interrupted by Umbridge.

Umbridge looked as if she had swallowed something particularly nasty, "As there will be no more escapes from Azkaban than there is no reason to teach the children such nonsense."

"Wonderful," Alexis gushed excitedly, "it is so reassuring to have a ministry official here to keep us informed of these matters." Alexis stopped there as the pressure Snape was exerting on her thigh had reached the slightly painful mark.


End file.
